Dear Madalina:

You shared that your childhood was bad, that your “entire childhood was made of 2 weeks of good dad and then 3 weeks or more of drunk dad who beat mom repeatedly”.

“I blame my father for how he was.. I blame my mother for not leaving.. I should have the ability to understand both”- no, you should have the ability to understand how terrible your life was, how scary it was for the little girl that you were. It was your parents’ job to understand you, to understand how scared you were because of their behaviors. It was not your job then, nor is it your job now to understand them.

They had the opportunity of years to understand the mind and heart of their little girl and they didn’t bother to take advantage of that opportunity. It is time for you to understand yourself because your parents didn’t bother to understand you.

“a part of me is hurt, is thirsty for love and safety and wants everyone to take care of her”- understand this strong part of you, have empathy for this part of you. Don’t blame yourself for being thirsty for what you did not receive for so many years, as a child.

“when (boyfriend) doesn’t give me attention, I really snap and go into bi** mode.. And other times.. blaming myself.. I see I am not that good person, I just wonder if (he) would be better off without me”.

You asked me in your first, recent post: “You said you struggled with Fear, how was it for you?”- it was bad for me, most of my life. This is how it got better for me: I attended my first quality psychotherapy in 2011. My therapist at the time focused on teaching me what is called emotional regulation skills, which made it possible for me, over time and practice, to feel fear and anger less intensely, to regulate intense fear and anger, so that they are not so  intense and overwhelming. When overwhelmed, I reacted to fear and anger in destructive ways, similar perhaps to you going into the bi** mode you mentioned.

Emotional regulation skills are such that when you feel your fear or anger going up, you take it down by taking a walk outside, a hot or cold shower.. listen to calm music, a guided meditation, adopting a daily routine of exercise, etc. It is the ongoing practice of lowering your distress level/ regulating your emotions so that you can choose how to react in ways that are not destructive to you and to others.

So, when you feel angry at your boyfriend, instead of reacting in ways that make you feel like a bad person later, take a time out (a walk  outside, a hot shower, etc.) and calm yourself down. After you are calm, think what to do  next.

We do our worst thinking when distressed, this is why it is wise to postpone our thinking until we are calm.

Is any of this potentially helpful to you?

anita

Dear Madalina:

You are welcome and thank you for wishing me the best. I wish the same for you.

“It is pretty hard not to cave into my impulses”- the right practice will make it less and less difficult. But it takes the right practice, expecting slow progress and difficulties/ regressions along the way, lots of patience and of course, time.

“it is a bit difficult when the me child comes out and acts on impulses”- imagine you were a mother to an impulsive young child, what would you do, how will you parent your impulsive child? Parent yourself the same way: don’t give in to what the child-you wants, but don’t punish her in any way. Instead talk to her clearly, with authority and with empathy.

“He is not guilty for my childhood”- when you feel the need to blame someone for your childhood, state to yourself: my parents are responsible for my childhood. Just hand them the responsibility, don’t sink into overthinking and trying to understand them, etc.

“when he does something that he knows bothers me, I want to revenge myself”- can you give me an example or two about him having done something that he knows bothers you, and how you reacted?

anita

Dear Madalina:

You are welcome.

“Sometimes he kinda doesn’t pay attention to me when I say something, he spaces out”- I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t space out from time to time, no longer listening to the other person, but getting lost in one’s own thoughts instead.

“simple things like help me out clean the table, wish dishes, and so on- if I ask him, he will do it, but I don’t want to have to ask every time.. it would be nice to him to at least try”- maybe you can place a little, colorful sign on the wall facing the dining table with the words wash dishes or the like. Maybe it will help?

“Him not taking initiative in doing things together- walks, or go out for a drink. He is more excited if more people come along”- I suppose he doesn’t like walks or doesn’t feel like taking walks or going for a drink. You can initiate it yourself from time to time, not too often if he doesn’t like to do these things, but from time to time.

You shared that he is patient, smart, helps you see things from another point of view, he is courageous. I say that he sounds like a quality man! He is not 100% perfect for you, but no  one is, no one could fit your preferences perfectly, or even close to perfectly.

I understand that you don’t “want to fight and blame (your mother) again”. I suggested earlier that you “state to yourself” that your parents are responsible for your childhood because stating this truth to yourself may help you in regard to your occasional anger toward your boyfriend.

anita