Hey Miyoid!

Not posting here to give advice but just to help you feel a little less alone as I feel our situations are very similar in a way. If you read my most recent posts you can see this! I too have felt that all my life I was generally unhappy since childhood. ” I was rarely happy and I didn’t know why.”

For me also this was for no reason specifically specified, but with a lot of research, this forum, and a couple therapy sessions I have come to an understanding about where my mental illness has originated from, past relationships, and or your childhood. This relates to your story because these feelings have recently been exasperated by the relationship I am currently in, despite my love and admiration for my partner. Just like you said, it is not his fault in any way shape or form, but my despite my attempts to make him see this, he seems to tend to blame all of my own mental health issues on himself, which exasperates his own depression! I am not diagnosing anyone, as I am not a doctor in any way shape or form (just a 20 year old college student) but you should put some research into codependency, on his part and yours. Many symptoms of this include always feeling guilty for our own emotions, blaming ourselves for the way others feel, and often latching onto others to determine your own inner feelings, which seems to be the trend in your romantic relationships based on the info you provided me. This is often a learned behavior from our childhood or could possibly be from the abuse you suffered in your past relationships, and is often the brains way of coping with negative experiences! It doesn’t necessarily have to relate to relationships, although it does often create patterns in our romantic endeavors later in life! If you research the symptoms of this behavior, and feel that it fits you and/or your SO, I have some great reads and workbooks to recommend for you as you wait for your financial situation to improve to afford therapy/psychiatric help. If I am wrong and you don’t relate to these symptoms, feel free to disregard this information!

You are not alone, and I admire your honesty in posting about your situation and your ability to reflect on your problems! You sound like a very strong person and a beautiful soul!