Dear MonaD:

What your manager said reads very wise to me in a lot of social contexts, especially in the work/ professional context: to accept that there “will always be inadequacies in people around us”, and that “it is up to us to learn and understand those inadequacies and work with each individual’s strengths without highlighting their faults”- but in the mother/daughter context, when/if your mother still puts you down, still criticizes you, still blames you for what you are not guilty of, and not expressing gratitude for your financial help- it is not a good idea to use the euphemism “inadequacies” for these abuses and disrespect and then aim at accepting and excusing these behaviors.

Other thoughts I had yesterday: I was wondering if the reason you arranged to meet with your father was to check if your mother told you the truth, if you suspected that she lied to you about the marriage and the divorce?

I was wondering, for example, if your father sent your mother money but she lied and said that he sent her none, so to make him look bad in your mind, and your sister’s.

I was also thinking that the reason your mother did not pay attention to your father while you and your sister were young may not have been that she loved her girls so much but that she didn’t love her husband and did not want to spend any time with him. Possibly she really did see him as an income source and nothing more. Later, she chose to blame you and your sister for your father leaving, not taking any responsibility for making the home a very unpleasant place for him (??)

I can’t tell you how strongly I feel that your mother did you and your sister a lot of harm by blaming the two of you for her actions or inactions in her marriage: it is she who chose to not attend to her husband other than an income source (if that was the case), it was not yours or your sister’s fault!

anita