Hi Sammy,

You are going through the mill right now. It’s not easy. Alcohol does not help. As I said I can’t offer advice on that end, as it wasn’t something that was part of my journey, but it does seem to be at the point where you may need external help to get through this difficult period. We can’t always do it all by ourselves. My therapy sessions have been invaluable to me at various times and the help of my GP with medication honestly got me to be able to see through the fog for a short time and now I don’t need it anymore.

From my perspective and this could be totally off, but lack of self worth didn’t come from the relationship with your ex. The relationship with your ex triggered a wound that was probably already there. Something from younger life. Anyway, you’re smart, you’re self aware. You can see what’s happening, even in the midst of a spiral. You don’t want to stay like this. But anything any of us on here say to you is not going to flip a switch inside you and magically make it all better. Enlightenment or growth or progress is a personal, internal trip. You might be ready to seek help, you might not. That’s okay. It takes time. It takes as long as it takes to reach where you want/need to be. But it does take a bit of discipline too, even if it’s not what you want to do. At some point, your higher self has to over rule your hurt self and make decisions in the best long term interest even if it’s not at all what you feel like doing.

Whether that’s binning all the booze or waking up every day and committing to going for a 3km walk somewhere, no excuses, no rainchecks. Little steps lead to big steps and we call all offer advice along the way. But it has to be you who takes the action. Words without action cause little change. It’s not easy to be strong when you’re heartbroken and hurt, so that’s why it’s important to start with little steps.

Tim,

Thanks for the insight, much appreciated. Some things resonate and others maybe not as relevant to my particular circumstances. I know many may think I caught feelings for the ‘friend’ and he has many lovely qualities, but months ago i was just getting to know him and now that I know him much better I do see that he actually is a little unreliable and flaky as a person! I’m still friends with him and we jest sometimes. But now I can see, that he’s not for me. And that’s okay. i could only figure that out with time, getting to know someone over a longer period of time. My new boundaries are about providing a space in my life for people who truly add to my life and who feel nourishing as I would offer them the same. It’s uncomfortable to establish boundaries when people are not used to them, but it’s helping me and after the initial awkwardess, I feel my soul thank me. That friend finds it impossible to be fully present and had let me down with lunches, coffees, work sessions, phonecalls etc – he’s not a bad person by any means, but he just doesn’t merit a spot in my close circle.

@kkasxo Change is scary and it’s funny I always feel more ‘in control’ having an escape plan! Look who has turned in to a commitment-phobe! Ah no, I recognise that I’m risk averse these days, however I have made a conscious decision to know let that aversion stop me, so while I’m anxious and scared, I try it anyway. Because if the sh1t hits the fan ultimately I’ll survive, because look where we were two years ago…..the two of us have survived! So each time I get scared, I say, Shelb, go for it, yeah it might fail, but everything is survivable! Now….where i fully believe that is debatable….but remember how we try to trick our minds! I’m hoping it will work. Did you get a new job? Are you happy?