Hi anita,

Thanks for responding, I had hoped you would. Regarding my family, I agree with everything you said. My happiest and calmest of times was when I was in college building a life away from them, when I did not speak to my parents. Now as I have gotten older it has become more difficult to keep that boundary. When I was younger the pain was fresh and present, and I had friends in college to support me so it was easy not to feel guilt. Now I don’t have many friends, and I have found the people in my life as of late have all shamed me or hurt me in similar ways. My parents are not a part of the group chat, but I feel the same negative feelings around my siblings. During the video chat they always want to “discuss” our toxic family dynamics.It’s weirdly formal, like a college seminar. My former therapist thought this was great and healing, and I subscribed to that thought because therapists are supposed to know what’s up, supposedly. But my siblings often make excuses for the way our parents acted, especially my mother. They are still attached to her and see my father as the one with all the problems. However deep down I believe they are both at fault.

Once I shared with my siblings how my mother had hurt me far worse because she is my same gender parent. They told me I was being unfair to expect her to be better because she is a woman. That’s not what I meant. Also, there is always a feeling of competitiveness, maybe I imagine it but I feel it every time I speak to them. My younger sister basically emulated all of my career and education choices and constantly goes on about her accomplishments, discussing all of her feelings, ranting about politics, etc. She is also very close to my mother. I find myself feeling very inadequate around her and I blame myself for feeling that way, but my mother always hated and belittled me and glorifies her. Now my parents are “nicer” to me, meaning they don’t scream at me but I believe they are only “nice” because I have a decent job and can pay my bills. I feel there has never been anyone in my life to validate me which is why I disassociate. It’s confusing because the same patterns always repeat even with people outside my family, and within my sibling group there is this “us vs. them mentality”. I used to have a good grasp on how all this was affecting me but my therapist confused me, she always said I need to talk to them and open up to them so I have been but it’s done more harm than good. I barely feel comfortable sharing my accomplishments with them but I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. It’s tough because the idea of family first is so entrenched in society,

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Rachel.