Hi anita,

Thanks for responding, I had hoped you would. Regarding my family, I agree with everything you said. My happiest and calmest of times was when I was in college building a life away from them, when I did not speak to my parents. Now as I have gotten older it has become more difficult to keep that boundary. When I was younger the pain was fresh and present, and I had friends in college to support me so it was easy not to feel guilt. Now I don’t have many friends, and I have found the people in my life as of late have all shamed me or hurt me in similar ways. My parents are not a part of the group chat, but I feel the same negative feelings around my siblings. During the video chat they always want to “discuss” our toxic family dynamics.It’s weirdly formal, like a college seminar. My former therapist thought this was great and healing, and I subscribed to that thought because therapists are supposed to know what’s up, supposedly. But my siblings often make excuses for the way our parents acted, especially my mother. They are still attached to her and see my father as the one with all the problems. However deep down I believe they are both at fault.

Once I shared with my siblings how my mother had hurt me far worse because she is my same gender parent. They told me I was being unfair to expect her to be better because she is a woman. That’s not what I meant. Also, there is always a feeling of competitiveness, maybe I imagine it but I feel it every time I speak to them. My younger sister basically emulated all of my career and education choices and constantly goes on about her accomplishments, discussing all of her feelings, ranting about politics, etc. She is also very close to my mother. I find myself feeling very inadequate around her and I blame myself for feeling that way, but my mother always hated and belittled me and glorifies her. Now my parents are “nicer” to me, meaning they don’t scream at me but I believe they are only “nice” because I have a decent job and can pay my bills. I feel there has never been anyone in my life to validate me which is why I disassociate. It’s confusing because the same patterns always repeat even with people outside my family, and within my sibling group there is this “us vs. them mentality”. I used to have a good grasp on how all this was affecting me but my therapist confused me, she always said I need to talk to them and open up to them so I have been but it’s done more harm than good. I barely feel comfortable sharing my accomplishments with them but I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. It’s tough because the idea of family first is so entrenched in society,

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Rachel.

Thanks again anita. I appreciate your insights and talking to you is helping to calm me down. I notice, the incessant chatter in my mind and tightness in my chest dissipates when I read your words. I hope we can continue communicating as I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. My former therapist really messed me up, and I’m just starting to really come into that realization a year after I stopped seeing her. So talking to you is helping me shed some light on my issues.

I agree wholeheartedly about your comments about the jigsaw puzzle. Where did I fit into the puzzle? Well, I was always the fixer as well as the scapegoat. Even now, I’m the one siblings turn to for advice, but not in a way that makes me feel good. One of my sisters sees herself as the “truth teller”. She is always demanding that we respond to her questions about things, and gets mad when people don’t engage in that chat. The sister I mentioned above sees herself as perfect, all knowing. My older brother sees himself as the father figure, so on and so forth. I don’t know what my role is now. I guess I am still supposed to fix: for example, my father moved in with a much younger woman from another country. He brought her to my sister’s graduation uninvited, and everyone was mad about it. (it was highly inappropriate). My mom then tells me I need to confront him and tell him he’s making a mistake. Why? It’s none of my business what he does. Whenever one of my siblings is acting up or in trouble, my mom contacts me to vent about it and to ask me to fix it somehow. I have never vented to my mother in my whole life, the relationship is entirely one sided. My youngest sister has been in a lot of trouble. Most recently she crashed the car my mother bought for her and started selling drugs. My mom asked me to talk to her and somehow force her to act differently. This was after I paid for her to visit me in the city I am living, constantly tried to reach out to her to offer her support, etc etc.

I realize this is a lot of information, but I’m just saying this to further prove your point. My family members and 99% of the people in my life want something from me, and I serve a function but I am not a human being. So I go somewhere else and I feel I am essentially a robot. It’s hard to feel sane when you’re surrounded by insanity, and sooner or later you absorb the insanity. And then I always feel I am the problem, somethings wrong with me that I need to fix, and spend a lot of energy and money and time fixing.

Hi Anita,

That is a great point, and something I didn’t consider before. You’re absolutely right: I momentarily get a “feel good reward” for her supposedly looking up to me. Subconsciously I feel that maybe this means I am not as worthless as she always claimed me to be. But you’re right, nothing was ever fixed. She ended up confronting my dad after ranting to me about it and he got angry at her and told her to leave him alone. She showed me all of the texts and conversation and of course I gave her empathy, saying she did the best she could etc etc. I had no idea I had fallen back into this trap of her extracting energy from me. Of course my dad continued to do whatever he wanted. But did she really expect he would listen to her? Maybe it was just a show to get empathy. She always would do stuff like this: talk about how hard her life was, how hard she works and how my dad treated her so badly. But she never takes responsibility for her part: no one forced her to marry my dad, no one forces her to live in an expensive house and spend so much money on material things. No one told her to buy my sister another car when she already got into 2 accidents. I realized as I was reading that my sister does the same thing! She rants and complains and asks for advice but she never does what I say. And I feel a false reward, but the truth is she doesn’t look up to me either. So I’m left spending this energy on people who don’t appreciate it and it does no good. But who can I rant to when I am in trouble? I have to figure everything out by myself.

People dumping their emotions on me has happened to me my whole life. A friend I had from high school would do the same: every time she was in trouble (which was all of the time) she would call me to complain, and I would be supportive. I gave her money when she needed it. Even in the middle of the night I would wake up and listen to her complain about whatever predicament she had got herself in. Finally one day she borrowed money and didn’t pay me back. When I asked for the money back she paid me less of what she owed me. I told her she didn’t pay me back the full amount and she laughed it off and said she would pay me, but never did. That’s when I separated myself from her. And one again, I got the reward of  her saying I was such a good friend, I was always there for her etc. But she was never there for me. She would talk about it, but not actually follow through.  Even my ex did this, all throughout the relationship and even after the breakup. She talked about how bad things were for her, she got sick, her family was mistreating her, she’s disabled, no one cares about her, so on and so forth.

I have never been in a relationship with someone who actually genuinely cared about me. It’s always been people draining my energy. Maybe that’s why I am so tired all the time.

Hi anita,

Thanks for saying that I can let you know if I feel you are trying to control me. I doubt I would ever feel that way, but it makes me feel respected that you would say so. It reminds me of the best therapist I ever had. Even though he didn’t share my identities (he was a white man) he let me know right away that although he didn’t share my identities and might not always understand, he would always try to. That made me feel respected and I healed a lot with his help. He was always on my side, and viewed me in an unconditional positive light. On the contrary, this other therapist that did share my identities did not respect me or empathize with me. She enjoyed me being weak and depending on her. She wanted to feel powerful, not help me help myself. I got worse under her care.

What is love? A hard word to define as it is misused all the time. Love is caring for someone at the same level, and at times more, than you care for yourself. Sometimes it’s easier to define something by saying what it is not. Love is not keeping score. There is no obligation in love. Love is respect at all times. Love is allowing a person the freedom to be who they really are. To allow space for them to grow into their highest self. Love does not demand, threaten or invade. Love requires us to do no harm, and in those moments of human weakness when we do harm, to apologize sincerely and take steps so it never happens again.

Yes, my former therapist and girlfriend were bad. Thank you for saying that. It feels validating and makes my heart feel at peace. My inner child feels happy to hear this. For years my heart has been hurting from confusion. People say we shouldn’t judge that we should forgive. But these notions if used wrongly keep us chained to suffering. There has not been anyone on my side, to validate me or my humanity. Often I’ve thought to myself over the past few weeks that I don’t exist. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think, who are you? It’s hard to feel like a ghost.