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Reply To: Struggling to Find Myself

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#365419
Rachel
Participant

Hi anita,

That’s a very good point about self judgement. You’re right, I am not very empathetic towards myself. Or I am empathetic towards other people at the expense of myself. Sometimes I revert to my child self, waiting for someone to save me. But that person never comes. When I am healthy and strong, it’s because I am focused on saving myself. I often am very very hard on myself.

You’re right, I did judge this man unfairly. I got caught up in stereotypes, not fully understanding at the time that stereotypes work both ways. Sometimes I can be critical and judgmental, and I am trying to learn how to catch myself and redirect those thoughts. I try to remember that I am just acting the way my parents taught me and not to act that way, or else I might hurt someone like how they hurt me. I am glad I amended my behavior. I realized that if I was closed off and mean to him, then he would be closed off and mean to me. So I tried to be kind to him and understand him better. I learned that we had a lot in common! For example, we liked the same movies and bonded over things we liked as kids. I know this is something that I have to keep a lookout for: not to judge and to allow people to be themselves. It’s hard unlearning things we’ve learned as children.

Yes, my inability to articulate in that relationship was because of a “lack of air”. It’s amazing how you are so right about everything. The lack of air was her not listening, or twisting what I said, or throwing what I said back in my face to punish me. Or calling me crazy. So I choked up and couldn’t communicate. Then she blamed me and said I was abusive for ignoring her. This got so bad that I got physically ill. I had to go to urgent care because I literally could not breathe. Much like George Floyd: I can’t breathe.

What you wrote in your last paragraphs is so very true for me. I have had these exact thoughts. For a while I thought very clearly, was connected to myself and my feelings. But then I went backwards, and I got angry at myself. I kept blaming and blaming myself, and got more confused the more I blamed myself. I mistakenly thought healing was a “one and done deal”. I also mistakenly thought going to therapy would “fix me”. Then when it didn’t I felt more lost and disassociated, thinking I was broken. I didn’t realize the momentous task healing is. I also mistakenly thought I was the only broken person, that other people knew more and were better than me. If I saw more clearly, I would see that all of us are broken in one way or another. And I would not take it so personally when people hurt me, knowing it’s coming from a place of brokenness. I wouldn’t give other people so much power.

I guess the theme here is learning to be kind: to ourselves and to others no matter who they are. I know when I am kind to myself I naturally am kinder to others. And I hope to always remain a kind person as much as I can. But it can be difficult!