Dear Jem:

You shared that in mid 2018, you started to seriously date your current boyfriend with whom you are “in a distance relationship”. You wrote about him that he cares a lot about you, does everything for you, and you love him a lot. But you are very academic and goal oriented, and he is not. He tried many businesses but they all failed. At this point, he is 34 and in order to enter university, he will first have to fix his high school grades. You wrote: “I always wonder if none of these things are really important in the relationship, or only the love he gives me is important”.

Your boyfriend has a friend, who unlike your boyfriend, “is doing very well”; he is “smart, working hard”. You have a crush on his friend and feel guilty about it. You are also somewhat attached to an ex who broke up with you ten years ago, wishing to talk to him, even though you were not happy when you were with him.

You wrote regarding this ex of ten years ago: “I ask myself always, why do I need his attention, why am I not over him”.

My input today: you shared that you always wonder if these things (your current boyfriend not being goal oriented, or educated, or financially successful) “are really important in the relationship or only the love he gives me is important”-

– depends on what you plan for your future with your current boyfriend: if you plan on having children with him, then the two of you together will need to be able and willing to provide what children need emotionally and financially. If you plan to not have children, then his lack of academic and financial success is less of a problem, and may not be a problem at all, depending on the lifestyle you want.

A loving partner is very, very important in a relationship, therefore I understand that you consider it to be very important. Is it enough? Depending on your plans for your future.

I wonder if you had plans and dreams for your future long ago, plans you gave up, or compromised, because life didn’t turn out to be easy or as wonderful as you hoped it would be. Would you like to share with me about your long-ago dreams for the future, when you were younger.. and what happened to those dreams? You can also share more about anything else that may be relevant to your conflict.

* I will soon be away from the computer for hours, but will be back.

anita