Dear Ally:

You shared that you (48) met a guy (52) online thirteen years ago (you were 35 and he was 39), and “became good friends”. Over the years you lost touch and got back in touch. In March 2019, a year and nine months ago, you got back in touch and you visited him. The two of you “clicked instantly.. he was my one, and vice versa.. fell head over heels in love.. it was perfect”.

He then visited you and met your three  kids and your mother. Your future “looked perfect”. He looked for jobs where you live, the two of you were saving money to renovate your future home, he sold the majority of the contents of his house in preparation of moving in with you, “the future looked rosy”.

Last week, he accidently sent you a nude photo of another woman. When he realized that you received that photo, he thoroughly apologized and he explained how it came to be. His explanation was at least in part, a lie (“the pic isn’t even the issue anymore, its that he’s lied about when he received it”).

“I can’t get my head round why he still had the pic when he’s so into deleting stuff.. he doesn’t even keep  our conversations on text or WhatsApp”. You are considering ending your relationship with him.

“I love this man so much… I just need to hear from others, because at the moment I feel alone and slightly round the bend.. it’s driving me crazy”.

My input:

1) Calm down before you make any decisions and before you execute any decision; don’t act while being “slightly round the bend”, and feeling crazy.

2) “it was perfect.. our future looked perfect… the future looked rosy”- that perfection and roses was not sustainable, it never is. Reality always pokes holes in the image of perfection and roses- it is just a matter of time.

As you are looking at the situation, you are seeing only a part of the story: that nude photo and the lie associated with it. Look at the bigger story: there is a multi billion industry of pornography that is thriving and has been thriving all  over the world, for many years. This industry targets men’s natural appetite for visual nudity, and for sexual stimulation.

Your boyfriend is not the only man with a penchant for female nudity, almost every heterosexual man (if not every single one), single or married, including happily married-  has this strong attraction to the visual of female nudity.

Regarding his lie: it doesn’t sound to me like a malicious lie, but a defensive lie that he came up with under emotional duress. Although I am a big proponent of truthful communication in relationships, I know that no one is 100% truthful at all times. Sometimes we are inaccurate, sometimes we forget, sometimes we get distressed and blurt something out. We have to forgive our own imperfections as well as others’.

If you forgive him and the relationship continues,  there will be more imperfections- some imperfections will be your doing. When that happens, I hope he forgives you too. Together, you can allow yourselves to be imperfectly human, doing your best in a very imperfect world.

anita