Dear Michelle:

I am not surprised that you are familiar with his attachment styles and aware of his particular one. Regarding his sister telling you that she had a good childhood and that “she also doesn’t understand how he views their parents marriage as being so poor”- that’s very, very common that children and adult children view their childhoods as good when it was not. Children apply convenient (make-believe/ nostalgic) thinking so to feel better, and unless corrected, this thinking extends to adulthood.

‘It’s perception, right?”- an inaccurate, and sometimes very inaccurate perception, does not make it reality. A person can not pick and choose reality based on what he or she prefers it to be. Reality is what it is.

Regarding the recent messages you received from another member- I want to attend to them because there is a lot there to learn from. First, I want to address the delivery: it is rough/ aggressive- I am sorry for this rough “gift” presented to you just on time for Christmas.

The following makes her delivery aggressive, she:

(1) uses LARGE capital uppercase letters- looks like she is screaming in your face,

(2) uses bold print- similar to the first,

(3) uses You-s repeatedly with attached critical/ disapproving messages:  “You only shot down… You get bent out of shape… you only value ‘advice’…This (again) is you trying to make up something… You’re trying to act like.. You’re wayyyyyyy too attached to a fantasy…. You’re not willing to let go… you’ll reject this ‘Advice'”- feels likes an accusing/ disapproving finger pointing at your face, again and again,

(4) uses sarcasm (using words that show irritation, meant to insult a person): “It’s funny how my comments are judged”,

(5) uses aggressive/ violent verbs: “you only shot down the comments… cut through the nonsense… You get bent out of shape”,

(6) is being argumentative: “I read *EVERY* word you wrote just as much as the other people… But you just said you thought you were ‘FATED’… This is the ‘placeholder’ concept I tried to tell you about earlier that you ignored“,

(7) is insulting otherwise: “I’m not sure how much experience you have actually dating… Do you really not understand what is happening here?… You may not be old enough or mature enough to know this… You seem to lack a fundamental understanding“,

(8) she is throwing a temper tantrum- the whole three posts are a temper tantrum, except for the one word that closed the long tantrum: “Sorry”.

(9) she presents herself as The authority figure, a god of sorts that is all-knowing, having monopoly of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, able to read people’s minds/ know people’s unstated intents and able to predict the future: “the harsh truth you obviously don’t want to face… you’ll be here in 2021 grasping on to the slightest… if he meets her, he’ll drop you… it’s never going to be a real committed relationship… It’s not going to happen..”.

(10)  is inaccurate: a. she quoted me and assigned those quotes to you, b. she went on a tangent with a Fictional account of you trying to make him jealous and him not caring if you sleep with other men.

* I want to continue with a second post shortly.

anita