Dear noname:

Thank you!  You wrote today, Jan 6, 2021: “I’m starting to become afraid because I haven’t felt this type of hopelessness in a few years. In the past I was able to see or feel some glimmer of hope for my future.. However, right now I see nothing but isolation“-

– our memories are not reliable, we forget: you wrote today that you didn’t feel this type of hopelessness in a few years, but about one year ago (not a few years ago), on December 26, 2019, you wrote about hopelessness, hope and isolation: “I feel alone, deeply alone with no foreseeable end to my pain.. I can’t stop crying.. I want to feel hope so badly.. I just want hope and I don’t know how to give it to myself… I feel broken and lost.. I feel broken is the best way I can describe it, or hopeless.”

It may be, noname, that the reason you feel more hopeless at this time of the year, shortly after Christmas, is that you spent time with your family during the holidays. Let’s look at how spending time with your family during Christmas (and during one Mother’s Day) makes you feel:

October 24, 2017, before Christmas: “This gives me hope and some clarity as to what I need to be doing for myself right now”.

Feb 11, 2018, after Christmas: “Life never ceases to be difficult… the pain is always lingering.. I feel unattractive, worthless, and unlovable.. I feel broken”.

December 24, 2018, Christmas with your parents and sister: “Just being in my dad’s presence makes me anxious and angry, when I look at him I see all of the pain he’s caused me… there’s no room for me and my feelings with my dad… I became depressed upon arriving at my sister’s house last week”.

January 8, 2019, about 2 weeks after Christmas: “Being around my family for 2 weeks… I smoked, drank & cried the rest of the night.. I’m so lost right now, I want some relief but can’t find it anywhere” .

January 31, 2019, about a month after Christmas: “I’ve been doing well the past couple of weeks… I’m doing good. I feel loved and motivated”.

February 26, 2019, a couple of months after Christmas: “I have been feeling more balanced, grateful, worthy, confident, and self loving for the past couple months. My depression has gotten so much more manageable. I’ve been tracking my mood closely. In January I spent 4 days depressed, this month I’ve only spent 2 days depressed”.

May 13, 2019, four days after Mother’s Day: “I have been doing well since last post with the exception of a recent depression… I’m seriously considering not talking to my parents at all for good… I came home for Mother’s Day.. my mom was threatening to drive the van into his house, and I grabbed her…”

December 10, 2019, before Christmas: “I’ve finally reached the point where I feel no contact with my parents is here. Aside from thanksgiving & Christmas… I see it clearly now, especially noting how triggered I become around my mom especially, and how selfish she is general”.

December 26, 2019, Christmas with your parents and sister : “It is 3 am I have been crying alone for the past 3-4 hours… I feel alone, deeply alone with no foreseeable end to the pain… I want to feel hope so badly.. I can’t feel love, I feel broken and lost.. I’m at my sister’s for Christmas and my mom basically plays this ‘no one can ever understand or possibly be in  more pain than I am’ thing whenever she talks and it annoys the hell  out of me… I feel broken.. or hopeless”.

January 15, 2020, 2-3 weeks after Christmas: “I’m doing well… I feel peaceful”.

I understand that are other factors affecting how you felt at this time and that time, but according to your own words, being around your family trigger you, causing you to feel hopeless and depressed. Once away from your family- you recover. Back to spending time with your family- you regress.

Elsewhere, you shared: “growing up my mom was very depressed and my dad had anger issues.. The majority of my childhood was spent in isolation”- this childhood experience gets triggered every holiday when you spend time with your family: you re-experience her depression, his anger, and your isolation.

anita