February 17, 2020 at 10:51 am #338708
You are welcome.
My input on first topic: “I find myself judging her for her mistakes.. women I want to be intimate with I find myself judging them for their past even if they are more self-aware and a completely different person now. It makes me feel hypocritical”-
– in the core of this judgment is your judgment of.. you: “My inner child is so noisy and still requires very much attention”, you wrote today. You judged what your inner child has to say as noise, and you judged your inner child as requiring attention that he does not deserve. Your judgment of your inner child is wrong: what he has to say is not noise, not if you listen to him. And he doesn’t require any more attention than what he deserves. The reason that the attention you paid him is not enough is because it was never an empathetic, gentle attention!
You still don’t know your inner child, the person that you were (and are) well enough. Aim at getting to know yourself in a different way, in a way that places this child that you were/ are as the most important person in your life, a person born good but not treated good. Fast forward, he needs you to treat him differently from how he was treated.
He was noise to your mother growing up (when he made a noise), he was noise to your father… he needs to not be noise to you!
Now back to women you were intimately involved with, this woman particularly- the reason you judge them but not your clients is the intimacy issue, the women activate your judgment because they feel too close to you. The judgment of a parent activates self judgment-> self judgment activates woman judgment.
Prepare counter thoughts to focus on when you feel that judgment for the woman in your life, relax into those thoughts, and place empathetic, gentle attention on your inner child, listen to him, listen to the simple sentences he has to say to you.
My input on the second topic (I read the part of your post on the second topic after typing the above): in the first paragraph of your post, you wrote: “I find it difficult to see myself sometimes, had someone come to me with this same issue it would have been easy for me to identify”- it is easy for me to identify that your decision to have no contact with your mother is the right choice for you, and long, long overdue. For now, you can see it yourself and you felt relief having made this decision. But too soon (has it already happened?), you will feel guilty about it, and you are likely to find reasons to contact her again. When that happens, it will be easy for me to identify that you shouldn’t reconnect, but you will have a difficulty seeing that yourself.
In that same first paragraph, you wrote: “I am an adult yet my inner child is so noisy”- your inner child wants you to see him as he is, a good child. But you can’t see him this way for as long as you don’t see your mother as she is. She is selfish and unloving, dishonest and not a good person.
Your inner child is mixed with your misunderstanding of your mother. There is a mix between the two, and her part of the mix is what gets projected into the women in your life. You have to separate you (your inner child, you in the beginning) from her. A no contact is only the beginning, but a necessary beginning.
You have to go back in time and give her the Bad that belongs to her, so to see your inner child as the Good that he is.
Don’t let the (unjustified) guilt draw you into the swamp of depression where you spent so much of your life in. If you make this separation happen, you will not have to aim at “being better at accepting depression” (the title of your thread), you will be able to not be depressed.
anitaMarch 10, 2020 at 10:25 am #342626nonameParticipant
Thank you for your response.
I had read and processed it at the time you wrote it. Since then me and the woman i was seeing decided not to be romantically involved anymore. It was a healthy break which i learned from. We had a discussion and she basically wanted to be my girlfriend and I wanted to keep seeing her casually as we had only known eachother for a month. She knew exactly what she wanted and i applauded her for that and I had to be humble enough to admit i did not, even though i thought i did. I realized there is fear of intimacy present for me. At the core of it i believe is i’m most afraid of having a responsibility towards another person. The responsibility is that to love myself unconditionally, i.e. i’d have to give up impulsive pleasures and rewards for a greater, yet less thrilling, though more fulfilling pleasure of being vulnerable again with another human being. At the moment i do have responsibility towards other people, my clients in particular, i must be prepared to hold their emotions, for some reason having that responsibility towards a girlfriend seems scary to me right now in that i believe i may hurt them because of my lack of emotional availability at times. I feel the need to be alone frequently after work.
In other news, i still haven’t spoke with my mother and i don’t really intend to. I’m tired of the merry go round. My sister told me she believes I have mistreated my mother over the past few years as well. She doesn’t empathize very well with me about keeping boundaries with my parents. She gets her need to be needed filled from them, my mother especially and she admitted to this. So at this point i feel I may have to avoid going back home altogether and my sister will just have to come and see me for a change instead. It seems no one is okay with me being firm with my boundaries and as you’ve said in the past all the empathy is reserved for my mother. If i were to have this conversation with my sister there will always be something like “you need to forgive them” my mother preaches forgiveness yet wont every forgive me. This situation sucks but i know it’s better for me if I don’t ever go back to my sisters house while my mom is present. The thing is i don’t feel guilty for not talking to my mom, because it would somehow turn into a conversation about what im doing wrong in the relationship, there is never an end to those types of conversations unless me or my sister admits we were wrong. But at this point i refuse, of course i’m not perfect, and i have responded out of anger, suppressed anger specifically, and it is a parents job to hold their children’s emotions, and empathize with them, instead my emotions have always been met with criticism and im too tired to keep up that pattern.
Thank you for everything Anita, i’m so grateful to have such an empathetic person to bounce things off without judgement. dMarch 10, 2020 at 12:28 pm #342652
A month is a very short time, too short to make a serious relationship commitment. I am all for a man and a woman getting to know each other gradually, over time, and in different contexts, before making a heavy duty relationship commitment.
Regarding your sister- I recommend that she visits you by herself, that you see her without your mother there, and that you and her agree to not discuss your mother. Talk about other things, not about your mother, and maybe even better, don’t talk about your parents at all. Your inner child doesn’t need another advocate for your mother owning your empathy. Your child needs an advocate for him, for empathy being with him, for a change!
You wrote to me: “I’m so grateful to have such an empathetic person to bounce things off without judgment”- you are welcome. I want to point out that I am judgmental here: I judge your mother plenty. In the context of you and your mother, I judge you as innocent of all of her (and your sister’s) accusations and complaints, and I judge your mother guilty. If your mother somehow appeared on this thread, I would tell her this myself.
anitaMarch 22, 2020 at 4:20 pm #344666
I am wondering how you are feeling and doing these days, in this ongoing pandemic, it wasn’t a pandemic when we last communicated. I hope you are keeping yourself as safe as possible.
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 8:29 am #345502nonameParticipant
Thanks so much for checking on me. How are you doing with all this??
I have been up and down this past week. My discomfort with anxiety has been evident. I have been doing therapy with clients over video chat. I also started a job 1 day a week working in a foster care facility. I am so grateful to be employed right now as so many people i know have lost their jobs overnight.
My sister text me last weekend pleading to unblock my mom and talk with her. I said okay but i still haven’t done it. My mom was in the hospital yesterday with kidney stones but shes okay now. I felt shame for not checking on her but i’m also just very tired of communicating with her, the conversation is always criticism of what i’m doing to hurt her and never about the abundance of things i’ve done right. My mom couldn’t have asked for two better children, yet she is always complaining about us and how we treat her. I’m sick of it and don’t feel like defending myself anymore against her opinions of me, because i frankly don’t have the capacity to care that much right now. I’m much more focused on keeping myself from spiraling into a deep depression.
My therapist pointed out to me the discomfort i feel with the tension of anxiety. I have probably said this before on here but sometimes i just want my life to go ahead and crash completely so i can just deal with it. Waiting around to see whats going to happen always feels worse than when the worst actually comes for me. Right now i have two months of savings, something i am extremely grateful for. Though it still makes me very anxious if it will be enough to keep me from being evicted if i cant keep cash flowing in. I should be okay, but again the anxiety is probably worse than the actual event, much like we’ve seen these past couple weeks with the panic vs. the actual virus in society at large. The anxiety itself seems to be the enemy. My therapist suggested i use this as opportunity to just be, be with the anxiety, and to be unproductive. Being productive has always been my coping mechanism (or achievement) , and these circumstances have forced me to be unproductive. When i’m working i feel as if im doing something to fend off the worry, as business has slowed to a trickle for me this week it has been difficult for me to stay calm without just becoming all out depressed.
This whole situation has raised some awareness in me however, its shown me how disconnected we are from the earth, and meeting our own basic needs like food and shelter. It is clear to me I am far too dependent on the system to meet my basic needs and to meet the needs of others. This disconnection has highlighted why there is so much despair within me and the world around me. I want a small affordable home with a yard where i can grow food and raise chickens or somethings, i want a community where people are interdependent on eachother for our physical and emotional well being. I want to live more humanely. This is where the dissatisfaction in my life has it’s roots i have discovered.March 26, 2020 at 9:46 am #345510
So very good to read from you! I am fine, thank you for asking, I will elaborate later in this post. For now I want to respond to a few things you brought up:
1. “My sister text me last weekend pleading to unblock my mom and talk with her”- I am so sorry to read this. I am sure she is not intending to do her part to hurt you/ prevent you from getting better, but that is exactly what she is doing. I am asking you to keep your mother blocked; this is what I am doing, having no contact with my own mother (even though she is getting older, and there is a pandemic, and my sister is living with her.
This is what you don’t need: “criticism of what I’m doing to hurt her… defending myself .. against her opinions of me”.
2. “sometimes I just want my life to go ahead and crash completely.. waiting around to see what’s going to happen always feels worse”- what I found out more thoroughly during this pandemic is that we who grew up as children in scary home situations, keep being scared of the same that scared us back then. As adults, we move though different political leaders and situations, different economies, still fearing what we feared as children. If you read through your posts before this pandemic, you can clearly see that you were no less afraid before the pandemic than you are now.
We keep feeling scared of something that is not a real-and-present-dangerfor us anymore (ex: your mother criticizing you; my mother blaming me for causing her so much hurt by my alleged wrongdoings).
What I found out during this pandemic, a first time situation in my lifetime, is that the fear I felt about the pandemic itself, the economic consequences, is amazingly lesser in intense than the fear I felt for decades previously.. during good economic times, with no epidemics on my mind!
“You mentioned your basic needs in the last portion of your post, referring to your need for food, and other material goods. One very crucial need that you have is to no longer suffer as you do. There is no way to accomplish this in life other than to no longer be afraid/ anxious about the same-old-same-old that scared you as a child.
“I want a community where people are interdependent on each other for our physical and emotional well being”- this is exactly what you did not have as a child, this kind of home-community. Exit the home community that you did have, and you will find your way to the community that you want.
“I want a community.. This is where the dissatisfaction in my life has its roots I have discovered”- having had the home situation/ community that you did have is indeed where the roots of your lifetime dissatisfaction are to be found, and those roots should be uprooted, meaning, leave that home of origin in each and every way.
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.