Anita,

I never ceased to be amazed at how much digging you are capable of doing! It is also hard to believe how long this thread has been alive. Not sure what to think of that.

Thank you for pointing out a pattern in my moods I may have not completely recognized otherwise. It has me wondering how much of my mood has been triggered by contact with them. I did reluctantly spend time with both of them this past Christmas. I had so many things wrong with my car and went to my Dad’s garage to work on them, and my mom still lives with my sister of course. I only spent a few days there this time, but i’d like to think my attitude towards them has changed some, in the sense that while it does still hurt very much that I won’t ever get the type of love i deserve from them, i no longer have any expectation of them changing either, therefore have detached myself from their judgement of me.

I guess the difference is with the way i see my relationship with them which is  = completely hopeless. Therefore i have zero expectation or desire there any more to cause me suffering (i think)

I do however have a desire to be loved by others, maybe this is why i suffer?

My hope for the relationship with myself is that I am able to cultivate hope. Right now I see my future as hopeless. Sure I’ll be able to survive, but it just seems so pointless. The past week I’ve been oversleeping and not doing alot of the paperwork for my job, because i don’t see the point in getting out of bed if there is no hope of me getting my emotional needs met that day. Even worse with the pandemic i can’t really work towards getting my emotional needs met either through socializing which was already difficult for me, now theres no point in even trying. Which brings me back to a need for a reason. I don’t expect my needs to ever be met at this point so i just looking for a reason to suffer through life like this. Granted of course there will be good times too where i feel belonging and loved they are just so rare, but i can count on loneliness to be there for sure.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by noname.