Hi Richard

In my own confrontation with the problem of certainty I discovered more often then not it involved the ego desire to control life.

I learned that there is a difference between being certain and acting with certainty and that we often confuse the two. What I mean is that we can act confidently even in the face of not knowing, and even find pleasure in that.   To act confidently in the face of no knowing how thing will turn out. This is not a arrogant confidence, but a humble confidence, eyes open and flexible. A adaptable confidence in the face of uncertainty.

You are ‘still here’, and this is a indication that you have handled everything that has happened to you, much of which I suspect was unexpected, some of which un-wanted and mourned, and some perhaps where you were pleasantly surprised. Thus, is life. If history is the best predictor of the future, you will continue to handle the uncertainty that is life. You may even find certainty overrated. All things in balance.  – fear is to courage as doubt/uncertainty is to faith… is it a matter of trust? In yourself, in others, in life, in love…?

The Life of Pi has interesting things to say about Doubt and uncertainty.

“Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.. If you live in doubt you won’t get anywhere because you don’t move in any direction”

So…

“We must put our confidence in truth.  But that does not mean sitting back and waiting for the truth (certainty) to shine from above, as one might sit back and wait for the day to break. It means following with devoted obedience the truth we have seen as true, with the entire confidence that G_d (Life) will correct, clear, and redirect our vision, to the perception of a freer and deeper truth.

Go with the truth you have, and let it carry you into collision with the life, and then you will learn something.” And maybe even find yourself happy.

Dear Richard:

You shared that you recently finished a very long grueling doctorate program, wrapping up an internship this month, expecting to be unemployed next month, having “no clue” what to do  next. You feel “very scared… I wake up in the middle of the night with a sense of dread and hopelessness… Last night was another rough night. I seem to only be able to sleep for a couple hours at a time and when I wake up my heart is racing, and I begin ruminating”.

My thoughts and suggestions this morning: it seems to me that you’ve been scared for a long time, all through the very long doctorate program, including the time over a year ago, when you were offered a job at the office where you are currently doing your internship.

Ongoing fear = anxiety. The symptoms of your anxiety: feeling physically sick (a year ago), insomnia, heart racing, ruminating.

You wrote: “My partner is INCREDIBLE, but she lives half way around the world... I began re-reading a book called Embracing Uncertainty”- your partner cannot physically embrace you. As humans we are born to be physically embraced every once in a while so to calm our fears.  Mentally embracing anything- however useful- cannot substitute our need to be physically embraced.

When was the last time you were embraced/ held, I wonder (?)

“I have told my dad and my partner that I feel  embarrassed by how I am feeling”- if you peel off the shame that is attached to your anxiety, you will feel better. You study and work hard, you endured anxiety and distress for so long.. you are dedicated to your partner, I imagine- no valid reason for you to feel ashamed. You are human, and a human being cannot meet the great challenges of life being alone for too long. What do you think?

anita

Dear Richard:

“Really struggling with uncertainty” is the title of your thread, “The uncertainty I am feeling is crushing”,  you wrote.

Uncertainty demands us to make choices of significance. Your excessive struggle with uncertainty, seems to me, is the result of your excessive fear of making the wrong choices= choices that will later prove wrong. This fear had led to you being “filled with regret and second-guessing”, exhausted and sleepless, feeling anxious, hopeless and depressed.

In your mind, making choices that will later prove wrong is too scary. You wrote: “I felt like I dodged a bullet” when you turned down an offer- your excessive fear about making that choice was comparable to  the fear when faced with a loaded gun pointing at you.

“I know.. that many other people are facing greater difficulties in life”- the difficulty you are facing is your internal excessive fear of choosing wrong, which is greater than the difficulty that an external, real-life situation requires.

“Anxiety is something I have struggled with most of my life. It has been particularly acute as of late”- the excessive fear started before recently, probably in childhood, as is most often the case.

“I am not someone who is particularly physically affectionate. When I see my parents I more or less lean in for a hug but I do not usually really hug them… about 5 years ago I was about ready to quit my doctoral program. I felt completely lost and was so anxiety and depression ridden.. My dad gave me a hug during that time and I wrapped both my arms around him and hugged him back. He actually thanked me later for giving him a ‘real’ hug for a change”-

– you normally give your parents a perfunctory hug, motivated by duty, not a “real hug”. It took a whole lot of anxiety for you to give your father a real hug, one that was motivated by your real, strong need for comfort. I am guessing that somehow (and it is not uncommon) your parents gave you the message, when you were a child, that choosing wrong leads to terrible consequences, and/ or they shamed you/ rejected you for needing comfort, and/ or they weren’t there when you needed comfort.

In regard to the excessive fear of making the wrong choices, a fear beginning in childhood, here are two possibilities as to how this can happen: (1) A parent tells the child again and again about how his/her wrong choices led to terrible consequences, going on and on about how he/she suffers for having made those choices. The child naturally feels intense empathy for the suffering parent, and his/her experience becomes the child’s own experience because of that empathy, (2) A child is excessively punished for making certain choices- choices that are not necessarily wrong- punished not necessarily physically as in a beating;  a look of intense disapproval/accusation/shaming, or comparing a child unfavorably to another- these are punishments enough for a young child, especially when they happen repeatedly.

You mentioned “Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real”- evidence perhaps that you are incapable of making the right choices, and/ or that your need for comfort is shameful?

I am bringing these things up because although what you are already doing (taking a walk outside, reading certain books, doing CBT exercises, listening to a sound machine at night, etc.) are very helpful, gaining insight into how things came about-in the long run- is necessary for healing.

anita

Hi Richard,

I think you have articulated very well what you are going through and the ways you are supporting yourself. Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your struggles. I recommend looking into the process healing method by Dr. Garry Flint of Vernon, British Columbia. It is a self-technique you can use for addressing your own anxiety, depression, etc. We each have within us all we need to address our challenges and struggles. That is what real healing is, igniting the body’s own ability to care for itself. Wishing you all the best on this part of your journey and know you are not alone.

Best,

Jules