Danny,

Your TinyBuddha page says though that you are Dannydan 😊

https://tinybuddha.com/members/dannydan/

And if I click on the other members’ @Danny, I get to “chanty”:

https://tinybuddha.com/members/danny/

I wonder if @Dannydan tags you?

Anyway… Yes, I noticed that posters here are very kind and warm and that I can relate to a lot of experiences and feelings expressed in their posts. So I hope to gain some clarity, too, especially since you, a male, is here with his male prospective.

I also returned to your previous reply and to your words and gave them more thought:

1. A) never had serious intentions – so you’re well rid
2. B) Not many men can brave facing hard truths and growing. It was really challenging and painful for me. It’s sometimes easier for men to compartmentalise and move on rather than fight. This can be down to low self worth or just that they don’t know what they want!

Yes, one of the reasons why I don’t rush into relationships is that if a man has serious intentions, he will wait. If not, there is nothing to regret. Unfortunately, if I get attached, I get attached. Even if it is just to my fantasy of what it would feel like to be with this or that man. It does take time to stop thinking about somebody. Sometimes it happens naturally, without much effort on my part like with those crushes, sometimes it takes longer and a more conscious effort.

You B) paragraph does fit my B. I feel that he is great at compartmentalising. He is a successful man, but it doesn’t mean that he may have low self-worth deep down. (Though him saying that he is just a dumb military guy sounded more like false modesty.) “Don’t know what they want” somehow fits, too. However, when we actively communicated, it did feel like he knew what he wanted and a few times his phrases could be understood like he knew that he wanted expressly me. He said that he didn’t need to think twice. He asked me whether I was his, and then, when confronted, denied. Said that “we” wouldn’t “drag the situation” for a long time. Joked about “pillow talks.” But even during that active phase, he pulled away a few times and then came back. Said that we should talk several times and never set day or time. Said we (oh, I loved how he said “we”!) should go here and there, do this and that together, and we hardly ever did. In short, in reality, he wasn’t quite a “very good friend” he said he would be. Thus one more reason for me back then to be very cautious. Of course, I was aware that he was still married, so I never pursued it or invited him myself to do something together.

• You mentioned he finally got a divorce, which is a big decision. He probably has not healed. Hence the possible reference to being a “mess” – if this is the case he’s done you a favour by not reinserting himself back into your life when he can’t give you an equal footed relationship. Becoming involved with an emotionally unavailable man would only bring you pain and eventually resentment.
• Although you perceived your bond to be deep and meaningful. He’s a man he may have compartmentalised and boxes you off as his form of escapism or emotional crutch – if he was not divorced when you met or still hung up on his relationship with his ex then that is also emotional cheating on his part. You’re lucky to have escaped yourself in that case! You deserve better than that type of relationship.

Yes. I agree that even if a divorce has been coming for a long time (in his case it was about ten years), even if a man has been living separately for some time, one should give the man at least a year of new, officially independent life to figure himself out. That year isn’t over, and we have Covid, and his daughter had just started college, and it is of course remote for the most part, so his son and daughter probably alternate between their mother’s place and his. I guessed right that, at the very latest, they would divorce when his younger daughter goes to college.

What also helped is me telling myself that even if he had promised to get back to me, it doesn’t mean that he would.

So ultimately, it doesn’t matter what we did or didn’t do five years ago. (We did cuddle fully clothed, but never kissed, even though he tried, but didn’t insist when I turned away. But that cuddling probably sealed my attachment even further, just because of how few men I like and how good it felt.)

• If he made mistakes like me but the connection was genuinely real then he maybe hasn’t reached an impasse? He hasn’t done any growth. You shouldn’t wait for him. You should always carry on if your paths converge again then if you feel so strongly still then go for it. B did this she moved on, was happy and striving still.

4) Oh another thing to note about men is we can be physically attracted, have great chemistry but not develop romantic attraction due to an inner conflict. Maybe he is confused like I was so doesn’t even know what he needs or wants. Unless he explores he will waste his own time and continue to do that with anyone he encounters.

Also rings true. My New Year’s major resolution was to stop looking up his Twitter until and if he contacts me again. If he hasn’t wanted me in his life for so long, why should I be bothered? It will be easier to forget him without this extra reminder of him. My other crushes did go out of my mind because nothing was feeding my imagination – no social media for some, no updates on social media for others.

But his posts, quite varied, gave an impression that his is doing this, doing that, probably enjoying his life since he was finally free (he confessed once that he “dreaded” his wife) and retired early with a stable military pension and small freelance jobs here and there.

However, so many questions and pain could be resolved by just communicating directly with him. Given it has been 5 years I suggest you do contact him and ask him directly you have nothing to lose, it seems you had no closure to that chapter.

Well, after half a year of his no contacting me, I did write him in June 2017 saying that I had been on a few dates, but I failed to feel the same connection that I thought he and I shared. I told him I thought he was special. He replied that he was flattered, but no, oh no, ugh, he was sorry if he had given me the wrong idea.

It can’t be more clear, can it?

So I thought that was where our ways parted for good until he sent that how are you? message in December 2019. I thought he had completely forgotten about me. Turned out he hadn’t. More than that, because of that little exchange two and a half (!) years later, we are on speaking terms again, as if nothing had happened, including my confession. Not that we spoke again since December 2019, but I feel that I now have permission to contact him should I need it (not that I think I will).

Why do I think you haven’t found someone new? It could be a whole range of reasons, the answer lies within you.

• Have you genuinely invested in yourself and moved on?
  • You may be comparing the new prospects to him?
  • You still hold hope for him?
  • You think you want commitment but deep down you do not know what you want or need in a relationship?
  • You may have low self esteem and think you don’t deserve better as a result of your other betrayal.

I think the main thing is you don’t have closure. If you did you’d make better choices for yourself and not curve so many people for one person who after 5 years failed to step up.

You need acceptance and peace, with self discovery you may be able to give it to yourself like ‘B’. You just need to clear your thoughts and listen to your soul and do what’s best for you.

Maybe you haven’t found someone new because your wounds from this “emotional affair ” are still there 5 years on alongside the betrayal and you don’t realise you deserve better?

Well, when I wrote that I still thought deep down he was the one for me, if I look deep enough, I find that he matched my desires on a number of levels all at once. And I simply haven’t encountered anybody to match that.

One was that emotional constituent. I told him about my exes and love life, he did the same; we discussed world affairs, politics, finance, likes and dislikes and so on and so forth. It was never boring and I could effortlessly funny with him. Somehow, witty retorts to his words would come just like that to me, and we would both laugh out loud.

Another was sexual desire that you pointed out. I have given a lot of thought to what makes male friends different from a potential partner. And I came to the conclusion that yes, I have male friends with whom I click just as well on the intellectual level, but I have zero desire to cuddle with them, to give them a hug. Even though some may have features which I normally find physically attractive in a man.

For better or worse, I meet few men for whom I feel that sexual desire. But sometimes I feel it with hardly any warning. And that gives me hope, that not all is lost.

The problem is that the other person must feel it too, right? That hasn’t happened yet.

And the other person must also be compatible with me in terms of that emotional ingredient. And willing to build on, to work on it all. That, combined with the sexual piece, hasn’t happened yet either.

In addition, B was better looking than my A and his resume so to speak was better. Outer appearance and position in life are not the most important things (if there is no chemistry, I don’t care if the man is King or President and physically attractive), but it definitely contributed to making it harder for me to forget him. You see, it felt as if one door (A) closed and here I have another door (B) opening, markedly better than my ex from all angles.

But the main thing is that sexual desire. I have met men for whom I felt it, but they didn’t feel it for me. They were few and far between (it has always been like that), but they existed, including after B. And vice versa. Some wanted a second date, but I couldn’t just force myself. And what’s the point of pretending? I have never been good at it. Surely, one date is enough. Particularly, if I feel aversion for the man (yes, there have been cases like that, with no valid logical reason). I am not going to like him.

And this is something I can’t bypass. I can enjoy a lively discussion with somebody, but if I don’t feel like holding his hand, that’s it. He can only be a friend, no more. Even if he maybe wanted more. (I don’t think this is my male friends’ case.)

Like Shelby at some point, I believe I am stuck. B of five years ago was the last one with whom it was at all levels, like with A, and mutual. I like those who don’t like me, and I am liked by those whom I don’t like.

This is why I wondered whether it was also a matter of time and chance. But it has been so long now, five years (or four since my confession). On the other hand, I am not 20 or even 25 right now, so hormones may be more at bay.