Thank you for believing in me. I need it. Yesterday was tough. I woke up and spent time meditating, hoping to practice some distance between my thoughts/feelings and reactions to them. I’m going to keep meditating daily because I know it’s the single best practice I’ve come across to train my mind.

It was about 1130am yesterday and I had a crying episode, when I had to be ready to see a client at noon. I screamed, cried, and begged for my fire to come back. I had the urge to physically self harm, of course I didn’t but I don’t get that specific urge in that way very often anymore. Where I used to cut now I just try to feel the pain to completion. I know I have a long way to go but damn has it been tough just getting to that point. I finally picked myself up off the floor about 1150 and washed my face put in eye drops and somehow was still able to do therapy for the next 5 hours.

I only slept about 5 hours last night waking up around 430am this morning. I couldn’t sleep because my body is so damn anxious. I know I need to do better with regulating but I feel like there’s only so much I can really do before the biological effects of social isolation set in. My anxiety is telling me clearly we don’t want to be alone. It’s 630am right now. I don’t want to be alone. I’m so used to being able to solve problems but this loneliness feels so unsolvable. Please forgive my pessimism. I feel beat.

I feel like there’s something you, my therapist, and my life are trying to teach me that I’m too incompetent to comprehend