Okay, so I don’t intend to prolong the pain in those acute moments. That is something I used to do however because it felt “right” to me to punish myself. I try not to do that as much, although it does still happen.

What i mean by digesting my emotions is like the opposite of what suppression was to me. Instead of pushing it down i let it surface and be felt from the beginning to its end, trying to keep myself in a state of mindful awareness while experiencing the emotion. I would liken it to ripping off a band-aid instead of slowly pulling it off. I just want to get the pain over with so i don’t fight it (supress it) and let it run its course.

The exception to this is during times when it is not appropriate to digest an emotion for example when i’m doing therapy with people. I have to notice it, supress it and process it outside of working hours. I cant be crying on the floor of my office while my client is too.

My hypothesis is that i currently have a backup of emotion (and needs) demanding attention that i continually suppress, again for survival or else i may loose my income. This is why i feel being a therapist may not be right for me, because i don’t process my emotions regularly anymore. It was nice having coworkers who were supportive or being in school and having classes where we would process things. I don’t have that community with covid anymore, therefore it just sits on my heart, until the levees break.

I really dont feel like working today. I’m contemplating canceling my day right now. I just can’t focus. I cant manage to get any work done at home, i’m currently a week and a half behind on my notes, im tired, i’m lonely, i feel like shit, and really don’t have a good reason to keep trying anymore.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by noname.