Anita,

In my last post, after very long, I looked at myself objectively and focussed on facts about me rather than all the negative self-talk. Thank you for understanding it. One of the bigger reasons why I am now able to look at myself for more of what I truly am, is because of my interactions here. Thank you so much. I feel so liberated today. I’ll try keeping my posts short.
The answers to your questions:

1. My arguing with my mother was exactly as I mentioned in the slouching example. With my ex, the fights were only because he’d be inconsistent and hot and cold.
Example: We generally had one proper conversation daily (daily as in for a few weeks before he’d become busy) which was shortly before bed-time. generally he’d call because whenever I’d call, he’d be busy so it was settled that when he is free, he will call. Say one night he doesn’t call, I message/call him, he doesn’t answer, neither does get back to me all night. Next morning he’ll message, ‘sorry was busy then slept early, didn’t see the phone’, I’d find it weird but be like okay. But he won’t call me. In the evening, when I’d go online, I’d see he is online but hasn’t called all day, I’d leave it again. At night, I’d message, ‘you could call once, R. Please call when free.’ He’d reply, very busy baby, will call when free. People at home’. The same would go on for days, some days I’d see he is partying with friends and then finally one day I’d call him multiple times, and say
J: what is this, I’ve been waiting all these days, one minute you could have called.
R: I told you I’ve been busy.
J: Yes, I get it, I am not wanting you to chat with me all day but maybe you could call me once in all these days for one minute, we can all take out a minute, I am also busy. When you have time for family friends, don’t I deserve some time?
R: Yes, okay but you need to understand, okay I have to go, I’ve some work.
J: No, R, talk to me today, you have to talk to me today, you always push me away when you have more important stuff
And then he’d either just hang up on my face or shout that I don’t understand anything at which I’d be like stop shouting at me, how can you do this to me, where am I in your life etc etc. This would drag on till one day I’d cry and he’d be like stop crying, okay I am sorry and the cycle would restart with him being super loving for a couple weeks. Eventually I broke so much that the initial conversation was skipped and I direct called him crying.

2. I would cry Anita, while arguing back but I didn’t beg in front of mom. I did in front of R.
3. We were in different cities, same country and would meet almost monthy, one weekend. Initially he’d come more but eventually I was the one who travelled to him more. We did spend time together but obviously more was on calls/skype.

4. We wanted short-distance, in fact I was planning to look for job opportunities in his city, he also at least said that he’s trying to look for one in mine.

Frankly Anita, I am done with that relationship, mentally and emotionally. The more I talk about it here and in my head, the more I realise how one-sided and toxic it was, it was a fairytale in my head but the reality was so different and ugly. In the last few days, I read the book, ‘why does he do that’? a friend suggested, its a book on abusive treatment and there was so much that resonated Anita, the conflict avoidance, the name-calling, the hot and cold, so much. R in no way was any Prince-charming that I imagined him to be. I don’t know what he was but he definitely was not what I imagined him to be.

Love
Jenny