Dear Neverdyed,

I’ve re-read your earlier posts, and I see a lot of ambivalence on your part in your relationship with him, especially in the beginning. For example, the fact that you didn’t even like him very much at the beginning. You were surprised when he contacted you after you’d returned to your country (“When I returned to my country in 2018, I didn’t expect him to stay in touch, but he did and rather frequently, that’s why I got used to the pattern”).

You said in one of the posts last June that you don’t even want a relationship with him and would leave him when someone better comes along:

“In fact, I don’t really want to be in a relationship with him, just my obsession of letting people go makes me so. And I’ve always been aware that once there’s someone “better” here, I’d leave, yet the problem is there’s none and I’m not going to chase.”

You also said that he behaved more maturely than you (“The man acted maturer than me most of the time.”) and that after you’ve returned to your country in 2018, it was you who might have made your communication more difficult, by interpreting his messages negatively, after which he might have ran out of patience:

“It’s true that I’d kept many things to myself when he and I were able to meet in person. And it’s awkward for me to express at times. Then I returned to my country, the main communication was via messages, I already tend to over analyse, without seeing the other’s facial expressions, I interpreted messages negatively often. I know it can be tiring for him to deal with me from time to time, yet it’s definitely worse for me. I decided to open up a little (the core one was my fear of people’d disappear, as it’s happened several times) after sensing some changes in the relationship and reading psychological stuff. Maybe he was encouraging in the beginning, then he either ran out of patience or simply shifted his attention.”

Since you were quite ambivalent about him in the beginning, and got very attached as the time went by, I can imagine that your initial lack of interest and a sort of indifference was a protective mechanism. You thought that nothing would come out of the relationship anyway, so why get too excited. Perhaps you referred to this state of indifference as “ashes”, which he then ignited each time he contacted you.

As the time went by, I am guessing you were less and less indifferent, started to get attached to him, but because of your protective mechanism, you didn’t show it very much. He was initiating contact, you were responding, but you were careful not to start a chat when it’s not “your turn”, because what if he doesn’t want to hear from you. You also didn’t inquire much about his life or his family, because you thought it would be intrusive. You were protecting yourself from rejection and humiliation, you didn’t want to let on that you care about him.

So you were getting more and more attached, perhaps you even started believing that this could turn into a serious relationship, but you didn’t express it to him, you didn’t show too much enthusiasm to him. What you did show was a certain “negativity” (when you misinterpreted his messages), maybe accusing him of things, which he didn’t like because it was supposed to be a light, casual relationship, in which people don’t demand things from each other.

I can even imagine that his initial enthusiasm and “affection” was because you said you weren’t interested in a committed relationship, and he felt safe. When you started expressing some “heaviness”, perhaps some passive aggressiveness and veiled accusations (I don’t know, just guessing here), he didn’t like it and started withdrawing.

For him, with his avoidant attachment style, any kind of demand for regular contact, exclusivity and commitment would feel like a threat. So as you were getting ready to put down your guard at least a little and peek out of your shell (while still being careful not to show your affection too much), he was already withdrawing because he sensed you wanted more than he was willing to give.

During this whole process you’ve realized that a casual relationship isn’t what you actually want. You want a real, committed, exclusive relationship. It’s something he most probably isn’t willing to give you. He realizes he makes you sad, but doesn’t feel responsible for your sadness, since he never promised you anything more than fun. But you are hurting because although in the beginning you thought you don’t care, you ended up caring quite a bit.

Please correct me if I made wrong assumptions and if your relationship wasn’t like that. If you feel it’s mostly true, I am sorry it happened like that. It was painful but you don’t need to repeat it, if you understand how and why it happened, and how your own attitude might have contributed to it.