June 9, 2020 at 11:46 am #358029
Have been stuck in the situation for more than 1 year, and feel like I need to talk about it, so, look forward to your responses!
It wasn’t a committed relationship, and most of the time we’re in different countries, it’s obvious that he’s far less “invested” here, even though I hardly reached out, every time he contacted me, the ashes inside me reignited until he left for his business. I finally spoke up for myself last week, but he judged me again and left it for me to decide, although he said something like less contacts didn’t mean less care.
Conflict #1 I hope to keep in touch with him, but I have no faith in keeping a formal relationship.
Conflict #2 What’s the point of staying in touch if we can’t meet again?
Conflict #3 I want to be happy, but I can’t take people lightly, I either care for someone or I don’t.
Conflict #4 I don’t want him to contact me when he’s with someone, but then it’d probably result in a long absence as he’s not going to be alone for sure.
Conflict #5 I doubted his intentions and worried if I’d mistaken him.
Conflict #6 My principles or his.
Conflict #7 I think it’s the right thing to cut him off, but I don’t want to block or leave him on read as I don’t like to be treated like that.
Conflict #8 I should believe myself, but what if I’m too self-centered?June 9, 2020 at 4:32 pm #358059
I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 14 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I am back.
anitaJune 9, 2020 at 5:18 pm #358065
I decided to answer you earlier. If I understand correctly, you want a formal, committed relationship with him, where you date only him and he dates only you, and you see him regularly. He on the other hand, wants to continue the current casual, not committed relationship with you where he can date other women as well, and see you once in a while.
Your conflict is whether to break up with him or to see him on his terms. Did I understand correctly? Please correct me where I didn’t understand you correctly and I will reply to you further in about 13 hours from now.
anitaJune 10, 2020 at 12:12 am #358095
Thank you, Anita.
I need to edit that he’s “become” far less invested.
Yes, you understood correctly, just I’m also afraid if he does want to give us a try, distance is one of the factors.
And he doesn’t “restrict” me to see others, it’s my choice or circumstances now.
Looking forward to hearing from you, but take your time (thanks a lot for letting me know, that’s something I wish he would do)!
<p style=”text-align: left;”></p>June 10, 2020 at 9:36 am #358162
P.S. I’ve tried to open up and communicate which I rarely did, but the outcomes weren’t good, I don’t regret doing that, but maybe I’ll be more guarded with my deep thoughts.June 10, 2020 at 9:58 am #358164
You are welcome. The situation doesn’t read promising to me at all. Reads like he is definitely not interested in the kind of relationship that you are interested in. He doesn’t restrict (the verb you used) himself from dating other women and he doesn’t restrict you from dating other men. He lives far away from you, his investment in you is even less than before, you opened up to him and “the outcomes weren’t good”-
– I want to understand better, therefore I ask: are you hoping for him to have a big change of mind and heart and discover within himself that he wants you after all as his one and only? If so, please tell me more about this hope.
anitaJune 10, 2020 at 8:39 pm #358222
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you, Anita. Your words woke me up more, now I see the truth better, though it’s not sweet :)</p>
About the hope, yes, I hope that he’d value my worth and suggest a try, however, that would be hard work for sure, and the result may still be unpleasant.June 11, 2020 at 7:19 am #358247
You are welcome.
“Your words woke me up more”- it is better to be awake to reality than it is to close our eyes to it. If we close our eyes we bump into things and fall. If we keep our eyes open we can see where we’re going and choose our way.
“I hope that he’d value my worth”- he values you as a casual date; he doesn’t value you as worthy of a serious relationship. Better you don’t keep waiting and hoping that he values you as more than a casual date. In his brain, he may have the image of you and the term casual date connected, and such brain connections are not likely to change.
I was not valued by people myself, there are currently people who don’t value me, but it doesn’t mean that I am not valuable; it means that a lot of people don’t bother to value other people. See the difference?
June 11, 2020 at 9:45 am #358260
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
Thank you again, anita.
I think it’s because that I can’t see what the future unfolds, so I’ve chosen to stick to what’s already known, a kind of control obsession probably. Lately I’ve also tried to tell myself that maybe there’ll be someone more suitable for me, although it’s not easy to believe now.
Would you agree that even though he said we were friends, I don’t have to be nice to him based on that?
It’s intimidating to be myself again and put myself before him, but I hope to succeed at last.June 11, 2020 at 10:02 am #358262
I absolutely agree that you don’t have to be nice to him based on him saying that you are friends. I don’t know what he meant by saying that you and him are friends, what’s behind those words. These are words, after all, and it is easy to say words, it takes a few seconds to say things, it doesn’t take energy.. it’s easy.
I do hope that you put yourself before him. All we owe people is to not put ourselves before them at their expense. But put ourselves before others not at others’ expense, it’s what we owe ourselves.
Let’s say what he is interested in is being friends with benefits with you.. that’s a kind of a friendship, but not a kind I would like to have if I was you. If I was you, I wouldn’t let him define friendship for me.
anitaJune 11, 2020 at 8:01 pm #358319
It’s really helpful to get your feedback here, currently I’m feeling confident and light/worry free.
One thing I’m afraid of is that I’d be selfish or totally cold when putting myself before him, even though that’s probably a must at the moment.
And I think similar: as no middle ground to be met now, if I stay, it’d be like I accept his idea and continue to shrink my true selfJune 12, 2020 at 6:35 am #358346
I hope you still feel “confident and light/ worry free” and that if you don’t feel this way, that you will feel more and more moments of it.
You definitely don’t wat to continue to shrink your true self! If the cost of a relationship is the shrinking of your true self, better not be in that relationship. Unfortunately, this is a cost lots of children pay for their relationship with a parent, hiding their true self so to not get rejected by the parent. Later on, the now adult keep looking for that hidden true self.
“One thing I’m afraid of is that I’d be selfish or totally cold when putting myself before him”- can you tell me more about this sentence, more of what you mean by it?
anitaJune 12, 2020 at 10:04 am #358382
My confidence is growing these two days, and honestly now I’ve developed a negative feeling towards him, not sure how to describe it, a kind of hostility maybe even though there’s no interaction at all. Hope it won’t last for too long or I can release it well.
The sentence relates to what I mentioned before: I either care for people or I don’t. So if he ever reaches out again, to protect myself, I may simply ignore him, which is cold and probably selfish in my opinion, and that’s something I dislike to be treated and have tried to not to do that to him.
Talking about children, I seem to have abandonment issues, but I can’t recall if it stems from my childhood.June 12, 2020 at 10:18 am #358384
“if he ever reaches out again.. I may simply ignore him, which is cold and probably selfish”- you have the option of sending him a message, letting him know that if he reaches out to you in the future, you will not answer him so to protect yourself, and that you are letting him know of this because you don’t want him to be surprised or upset if he reaches out to you and you don’t answer. Then wish him well. There is no coldness or selfishness in this option.
“I seem to have abandonment issues, but I can’t recall if it stems from my childhood”- if you want, and only if you want to, you are welcome to share with me about your childhood experience.
anitaJune 12, 2020 at 10:47 am #358389
Hope you wouldn’t mind if I don’t take your advice to reach out as a precaution, because he probably doesn’t care, and I don’t want to humiliate myself. Maybe I should adjust/change this mindset, but I’m not “ready”.
Even being little, I was able to observe the unpleasant atmosphere between my parents, the process until the divorce was frightening to a degree. I used to blame that for forming my way of thinking about relationship, not until this year did I kind of stop the idea and decide that I’m responsible for my behaviour, too.
Throughout the year I’ve tried to not to be my mother although I’m fully aware that she’s innocent. Just can’t stand her aggressive attitude during a fight, and I’ve adopted my father’s silent but passive aggressive way.
And with this person, I’ve become my mother by opening up and trying to communicate (calmly), while he’s like my father.
Still don’t know when I felt being abandoned or worried about it.