Dear TeaK,

Many thanks for your reply, here’s another issue probably: I kind of worried or feel guilty for not being around for some time and seem to only come back for help, which to me is like those people, the man for example :/

Back to that pattern, if I can’t recall where it stems from in my childhood, would you suggest “persuading” myself to believe that I’m innocent?

Dear TeaK,

Maybe the vagueness comes from my attempt to be not limited to him only, yet I merely have the example at the moment, but anyway, I’m relieved to know that you could understand afterwards.

Yes, I forgot to add (to feel good) “by myself”.

And yesterday I kind of remembered a possibly significant reason that has been “preventing” me to have fun as usual: the travel ban, since it’s a tradition for me to do so every year, and I usually relax much when being on holiday.

Dear TeaK,

Thanks for your understanding, and I hope the following would clarify 🙂

All of my male colleagues are married, and I don’t worry when chatting with them (though not often) like with that man.

I’m sure that there can be a friendship between a man and a woman, because I do have such a “pure” friendship going on, just wondered if I could be like that with that man, and you probably would agree that it’s not too possible as long as I still “hold on” to a degree.

And yes, it upsets (or upset) me to think if he has chosen other women over me, I think it left me feeling not good enough.

As for what I need from him, I read the question as “what did he give to make me stuck on this connection?”, and thought the answer were the good old times, but what I remember better now are those bitter moments.

Thank you for the examples, I’ll try to remind myself and continue to work on my own sense of security.

Dear TeaK,

I think I do have become obsessed along the way, and all the contradictions contributed to the thread title. It’s true that I feel if there was someone else here, I wouldn’t be so “stuck”, but I still don’t want to go meet people especially just to get over the situation. Also, it’d be worse if there was someone else here, yet my mind continued to focus on him…

And you’re probably right about his ideas, just that we can never know 😉

Sometimes I think that I don’t really need to be in a committee relationship with him, like in the last contacts, I noticed that he’d respond in rather long hours (please note again that in the first year, he replied quickly and almost daily), which is opposite to what I often did, and that shows an imbalance of how I and he values the connection. Maybe I simply expect to be valued equally.

Now I seem to start to detach myself gradually by feeling even far less for him and not believing a reconciliation could happen and even work.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Neverdyed.

Dear anita,

I really appreciate your efforts along the way, and it’s incredible that you went back to examine the whole thread, however, if you don’t mind me being honest here, I get stressed again and your latest words have affected my mood, because I feel being attacked and wronged…

a) If responding “nothing” when my mother asked aggressively is considered a fake answer, then that’s the only lie I’ve ever said in that case.

b) If possible, I’d simply show you all the chats between me and the man to prove that I’ve never tried to hide anything.

c) I left this thread before because my new job consumed too much of my energy and I said I’d reply when I felt less tired, which is basically what I want from personal relationships (a notice) and what I’ve been doing (respond even when I’m exhausted).

d) I admit that I’m rather passive aggressive and I even told him that before things got bad. If I did use his words against him, I’d express “so? I don’t like your behaviour, but do you care?” when he said “I don’t like your tone” to my “i hope this connection can continue, but I won’t accept further on and off contacts”.

Dear TeaK,

I suppose he said that because he felt he was responsible for my sadness, even though I never “blamed” him, and it’s natural for me to be emotional after separating from someone I had feelings and just had a good time with. He used to initiate a video chat once a month until then by the way.

Yes, I’ve noticed my contradiction :). I think I’ll make it clear about loyalty in a committed relationship, and that’s probably one of the reasons that I never asked him for it.

Could you explain “But also notice that him suggesting infidelity was the line you didn’t want to cross.”?

Thank you for answering that question, it sounds like all the opposite of what he did later, haha!

Dear TeaK,

No worries with your questions, just that I feel I’ve been away from “the memory one” (if I categorise the times as 2018 = memory one/2019 and so on) for quite some time, and I got somewhat reluctant to reminisce about it at first, but please understand that, I suppose it’d be necessary for me to go back to fully heal myself and I appreciate your willingness to discuss the matter here with me.

The relationship was secretive (because no family or friends were introduced in person, but he took me to both his parents and sister’s houses when no one was there) yet “public” (we went out and did things together). Other reasons that I didn’t say anything about the relationship status: my stay in his country was short-term, and with his already made statement, I didn’t want to look clingy or so.

During the time when we were together, there were deep conversations and I could talk better, and he’s the one who showed more affections. He started to get distant after the reunion (which was fine still). The last video chat ended after he said I’d made him responsible (I couldn’t hold my tears because I missed him even without addressing it). Later in the msgs, he suggested me have more than 1 lover to avoid being stuck. Ever since then, I’ve tried to withdraw and move on. Although the above just made me a little sad, I’m proud that I no longer feel like crying frequently like I was.

And yes, it was me who said “only in a marriage can you ask for something” (he commented something like “everyone can ask for something in a relationship, but the other can decide whether he or she agrees to it”), somehow I think only marriage empowers the couple to demand/request what he or she wants/expects, maybe it’s because it’s formal? As for my idea about marriage, I believe it’s related to my parents’ terrible divorce, but I’ve stopped claiming that it’s all their fault. I don’t mind having a partner for life, just “getting married” is totally unnecessary for me, the most important thing is being faithful/loyal. Now it seems weird to me for how infidelity scares me off as it has nothing to do with my parents’ divorce!

Finally, I’d like to bring up a question since I’m quite afraid of being a third party without knowing it in the future… How to tell if a man’s single? I mean, if one wants to lie about his relationship or marital status, I can be sensitive and observant, but :/