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Neverdyed

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  • #375550
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I think I do have become obsessed along the way, and all the contradictions contributed to the thread title. It’s true that I feel if there was someone else here, I wouldn’t be so “stuck”, but I still don’t want to go meet people especially just to get over the situation. Also, it’d be worse if there was someone else here, yet my mind continued to focus on him…

    And you’re probably right about his ideas, just that we can never know 😉

    Sometimes I think that I don’t really need to be in a committee relationship with him, like in the last contacts, I noticed that he’d respond in rather long hours (please note again that in the first year, he replied quickly and almost daily), which is opposite to what I often did, and that shows an imbalance of how I and he values the connection. Maybe I simply expect to be valued equally.

    Now I seem to start to detach myself gradually by feeling even far less for him and not believing a reconciliation could happen and even work.

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 22 hours ago by Neverdyed.
    #375492
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I still don’t think there’s anything unusual during the reunion, from what I observed, things got bad after the video chat, or a bit earlier than it (can’t recall very well now) when I told him about my next travel plan (8 months after the reunion).

    #375462
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I really appreciate your efforts along the way, and it’s incredible that you went back to examine the whole thread, however, if you don’t mind me being honest here, I get stressed again and your latest words have affected my mood, because I feel being attacked and wronged…

    a) If responding “nothing” when my mother asked aggressively is considered a fake answer, then that’s the only lie I’ve ever said in that case.

    b) If possible, I’d simply show you all the chats between me and the man to prove that I’ve never tried to hide anything.

    c) I left this thread before because my new job consumed too much of my energy and I said I’d reply when I felt less tired, which is basically what I want from personal relationships (a notice) and what I’ve been doing (respond even when I’m exhausted).

    d) I admit that I’m rather passive aggressive and I even told him that before things got bad. If I did use his words against him, I’d express “so? I don’t like your behaviour, but do you care?” when he said “I don’t like your tone” to my “i hope this connection can continue, but I won’t accept further on and off contacts”.

    #375461
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thanks for clarifying, but did you feel that now I’m rather willing to demand anything from him??

    And yes, I (have?) started to draw a line after he suggested that, yet it’s much later or recent that I made it clear with “I don’t need on and off contacts” 🙂

    #375367
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I suppose he said that because he felt he was responsible for my sadness, even though I never “blamed” him, and it’s natural for me to be emotional after separating from someone I had feelings and just had a good time with. He used to initiate a video chat once a month until then by the way.

    Yes, I’ve noticed my contradiction :). I think I’ll make it clear about loyalty in a committed relationship, and that’s probably one of the reasons that I never asked him for it.

    Could you explain “But also notice that him suggesting infidelity was the line you didn’t want to cross.”?

    Thank you for answering that question, it sounds like all the opposite of what he did later, haha!

    #375366
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Thank you, anita.

    #375239
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    No worries with your questions, just that I feel I’ve been away from “the memory one” (if I categorise the times as 2018 = memory one/2019 and so on) for quite some time, and I got somewhat reluctant to reminisce about it at first, but please understand that, I suppose it’d be necessary for me to go back to fully heal myself and I appreciate your willingness to discuss the matter here with me.

    The relationship was secretive (because no family or friends were introduced in person, but he took me to both his parents and sister’s houses when no one was there) yet “public” (we went out and did things together). Other reasons that I didn’t say anything about the relationship status: my stay in his country was short-term, and with his already made statement, I didn’t want to look clingy or so.

    During the time when we were together, there were deep conversations and I could talk better, and he’s the one who showed more affections. He started to get distant after the reunion (which was fine still). The last video chat ended after he said I’d made him responsible (I couldn’t hold my tears because I missed him even without addressing it). Later in the msgs, he suggested me have more than 1 lover to avoid being stuck. Ever since then, I’ve tried to withdraw and move on. Although the above just made me a little sad, I’m proud that I no longer feel like crying frequently like I was.

    And yes, it was me who said “only in a marriage can you ask for something” (he commented something like “everyone can ask for something in a relationship, but the other can decide whether he or she agrees to it”), somehow I think only marriage empowers the couple to demand/request what he or she wants/expects, maybe it’s because it’s formal? As for my idea about marriage, I believe it’s related to my parents’ terrible divorce, but I’ve stopped claiming that it’s all their fault. I don’t mind having a partner for life, just “getting married” is totally unnecessary for me, the most important thing is being faithful/loyal. Now it seems weird to me for how infidelity scares me off as it has nothing to do with my parents’ divorce!

    Finally, I’d like to bring up a question since I’m quite afraid of being a third party without knowing it in the future… How to tell if a man’s single? I mean, if one wants to lie about his relationship or marital status, I can be sensitive and observant, but :/

    #375238
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    In addition to my freedom (without the need to take care of family, to quit a job, etc.), now I think my mother’s also secretively jealous of my health.

    #375204
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I just had that feeling, maybe from your id name ;P

    And I’m going to talk further below 🙂

    If I understood it well, your relationship was never meant to be a committed relationship. Whose idea was it? How did you feel about being in such a “loose” relationship?

    No, it was never a committed one, he called me his lover, if possible, I’d honestly tell him that the term sounded like a mistress. Maybe you’d say it’s more like his idea as I simply stayed silent when he said he didn’t even want a girlfriend in the beginning, but I didn’t “fall for” him much back then, haha, and it didn’t bother me much as I had no reason to assume whether he’s entertaining other people or not, because we spent a lot of time together.

    And could you clarify – what do you mean when you say that you couldn’t demand much even in a committed relationship?

    I discussed with him once and I said something like “only in a marriage can you ask for something”, and I’ve no interests in getting married. I’m still trying to figure out what a girlfriend is entitled to do, so far I only know that I don’t want to share the person.

    True intimacy is possible only if we’re vulnerable, if we honestly share how we feel. However, you don’t need to be vulnerable with people who don’t deserve it, who don’t care about you or respect you. This man doesn’t seem like someone who’d appreciate your vulnerability, or care to reciprocate. But somewhere down the line, the right person might come along, and then, it will be important for you to be able to come out of your shell, without being so afraid to share yourself.

    I’ve been manifesting a partner whom I can always turn to without hesitation!

    Well, what would you like better? I think that for the sake of breaking the pattern of silence and withdrawal, it wouldn’t be bad to stand up for yourself and express how you feel or have felt. But you might also decide it’s not worth it because he wouldn’t understand it anyway, or that his remarks might hurt you, so better to stay silent. What’s important is that you’ve understood it and that you’ve decided not to tolerate certain behaviors any more.

    You saw my “dilemma”! I guess I’d like to talk back or return the anger, but what’s the point, right?

    #375202
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I see. Although I get along with my mother now (better than before), I just recalled her recent comment (“your life has been too smooth”), and I’ve held the belief that she’s jealous of me.

    #375169
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Good to see you responding further, somehow I feel that you’re a man and no offense. I had tears in my eyes when reading your words, because they’re another confirmation of what I think about the situation.

    Hope it wouldn’t be too confusing for you as I’ll continue discussing but in 2 subjects:

    With the man, I hadn’t been so bothered before leaving and I guess I began to express more “negative” opinions later when things went down. I’ve been fully aware that without the formal title, I have no right to ask much, but actually, I still don’t suppose I could demand a lot even if it’s a committed relationship. And yes, I definitely don’t want to be humiliated ever again. The big question for me at the moment is, should I save my energy and simply stay silent or should I “list” my points “in case he pops up once again”?

    With my mother, first of all, thanks for point it out, I didn’t relate the man’s judgement to her criticism! And I forgot when did she commented like that, but I know I’ve stopped being extrovert since high school.

    Now I’ve cut people off from my already tiny circle, as they failed to reciprocate the way I’d valued them, and I hope to meet my like-minded pal(s) eventually.

    #375167
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I wanted to defend for my mother because I know she’s probably the only responsible parent for us.

    Maybe your point would be, even though, she shouldn’t have treated me like that?

    #375072
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thanks for joining, I’ll clarify further below.

    From your recent posts, it appears you’re still keeping in touch with your male friend, but now you’re cold with him, and he doesn’t like it. Did I get that right?

    Yes, you’re right, just the contacts are gone once again, and I’ve decided to not respond anymore if he returns, although I know that I shouldn’t think much about it, I still do.

    It seems to me that both of you have the avoidant attachment style, meaning that both of you are afraid of intimacy and a deep, honest sharing of yourself. Of vulnerability. Because without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy, and there cannot be a deeper bond between two people.

    I checked it before and found that I might have an anxious attachment style or so, haha. I did open up to a degree long time ago, but it’s not appreciated, so to protect myself from being hurt again, I’ve chosen to share far less now.

    I don’t know what his story is and why he’s afraid of intimacy, but clearly, his actions suggest that he doesn’t have serious intentions with you, and that he believes it’s okay to forget about you for days on end and not reply. Even, that daily contact wouldn’t be “healthy”.

    The problem for me his returning pattern/behaviours, to me, it’s like he leaves me behind and have fun then when there’s no one around him, he remembers me. Lately I thought again that without constant contacts, he’s no one or simply a stranger. Also, if he wasn’t putting so much effort in the beginning to contact frequently, I wouldn’t have observed the difference/change and assumed that he’s got other targets. And it’s greedy for me when he has someone else but keeps me there, but of course, I never said it because I don’t want to judge him like what he’s done to me.

    You asked anita if he behaves like this because you’re too much to handle (so he needs to put a boundary to protect himself), or because he doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it’s because he doesn’t care – because you’re not asking too much. On the contrary, you’re hardly asking anything!

    Yes, I don’t want to force an answer, and I don’t want to be seen as “oh, I’m so interested in you”.

    As anita noted, you’re afraid to express your needs, to initiate contact, to even demand things that are rightfully yours, because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re also afraid of being like your mother if you’re too assertive or “demanding”. The result is that often times you stay silent, withdrawn, unexpressed.

    Yes, my pride is still the first thing for me, actually, I recalled the other day that I once told him something like “I care too much about my pride, so even if I want something, I wouldn’t say it”.

    Earlier in the conversation, you said that you mother used to tell you “you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude towards people”. What exactly did she mean by that? What attitude towards people did you have?

    I think I might be self-centered in my childhood, and now I still am somewhat so, just when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.

    It seems that during childhood, you witnessed two unbalanced ways to deal with conflict: one is your father’s, who’d rather leave the house or stay silent throughout the conflict (basically, he escaped conflict, choosing not to express himself). The other is your mother’s, who complained a lot, attacking and blaming your father (for being the victim, for serving your father while he behaves like in a hotel, etc). If I understood well, she was also provoked by his silence, which made her even more furious.

    Yes, she disliked our silence during a fight/argument.

    #374802
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    P.S. I think that my father wasn’t “always” stressed.

    #374801
    Neverdyed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Upon reading your reply, I thought to defend for my mother, but now I feel that maybe my father was stressed after returning home.

    As for myself, I believe what I provided were attention and interesting chats, and to protect myself from being further taken advantage of, I’ve changed my attitude, I still replied but with coldness. And he complained. I suppose it’s obvious that he still disturbs me.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 48 total)