Dear Neverdyed,

good to hear from you! I’m fine, thanks.

My boss showed up looking upset, and I guessed it’s because of me even without obvious reasons.

I said again because I often think like that, and now I wonder what I can do to improve the issue in addition to find out why I tend to act like that.

First, it’s good that you’ve noticed it, and also that you’ve noticed it’s a pattern that comes up in similar situations: that you’re blaming  yourself. It most probably stems from your childhood, because the child always believes it’s their fault if the parent is unhappy or upset. With your boss you feel the same, because he’s an authority figure, so he evokes similar feelings of wanting to please him and get his approval, or avoid his judgment. He might have been upset because something totally unrelated to you, but you took it on yourself, believing it’s your fault.

What you can do is be aware of the pattern, and also work on understanding the family dynamic that led to this pattern. How did your parents made you feel guilty, even when you were completely innocent? You’d need to understand that it wasn’t your fault and refuse to take the blame on yourself.

Dear Neverdyed,

you’re welcome. No need to worry about popping up only when you need help. That’s what this forum is about – people asking for help, and then others hopefully answering if they feel they can help in some way. That’s different than being in a relationship, where constancy and dedication to each other is important.

Back to that pattern, if I can’t recall where it stems from in my childhood, would you suggest “persuading” myself to believe that I’m innocent?

Perhaps the pattern has to do with your mother accusing you of being selfish, and you believing her? I remember we talked about it a while ago…  Try to list everything you feel guilty about in your life (perhaps you can share some of that here), and then we can see how it may be related to your childhood.

Dear Neverdyed,

alright, it’s a deal. You take care of yourself too!

* posted last… I wronged you

12 days later, still need to return. Placing this thread back to page 1

I spent some time on the 🖥 and will present the study with AI ( something that was not available to me back in 2020-21, the time of my communication with Neverdyed) tomorrow morning, when I am back to the computer.

For now, using my 📱, I want to process what I can without the use of AI:

As I reread my communication with Neverdyed, I was horrified by my almost zero attunement and almost exclusively clinical, analytical tone.

I sound so much like I don’t want to sound like: a “therapist” who is ignorant of the ABC of psycho therapy (attunement first, validate feelings first.. safety first)

Horrified by how corrective and directive I sound, and wondering how many people were turned off by my attitude and style- not only in this thread, by in many other threads- I was almost overwhelmed a little while ago).

On the other hand, I realize that I must be emotionally healthier, less consumed by toxic shame- to make it possible for me to see where I went wrong, so many times, and not collapse.

Why did Neverdyed lack of clarity (due to English not being her fluent language and due to being very emotionally conflicted (see the title of her thread)?

And why did I spend hours and hours rereading and analyzing her words 2010-21, again and again?

Because of an ongoing experience I forgot: my endless efforts to make sense of my mother words and claims and accusations- and trying to have a clear communication with her- with zero success.

I think I was excited when I discovered- as a teenager- psychology and self- help books, and I rushed to tell her about what I read, hoping for a meeting of the minds with my own mother.

But no matter how hard and long I tried- there was absolutely no meeting of the minds.

Fast forward, clarity is a life line, and when Neverdyed wasn’t clear, I did what I did with my mother: I invested many hours and energy trying to create a clear communication between me and her.

Unlike my mother, Neverdyed was kind and gracious and responsive.. but she wasn’t clear enough and rational clarity has been my number 1 need because I lacked it so severely with my mother.

My mother attacked my rational thinking as something bad and insisted on her no-sense, crazy making thinking being right.

My number one need was to trust my rational, analytical thinking and that’s why, in my communication with Neverdyed, it was my first and maybe only priority.

What’s the word.. when a person totally denies what is truly evident and doing so insistently- that’s what my mother did. Like let’s say, the sky is clearly blue and she’d say it’s grey.. oh, yes, gaslighted is the word.

So, when Neverdyed wad unclear or vague (as she was), I reacted to it as if she was gas lighting me.

B BACK in the 🌄

🤔 Anita