Dear Neverdyed

Read my post , 0ver 35 years I had a complicated love but not a relationship with a woman who wanted a relationship with me . I played along as it was flattering to my ego, but in time I  unceremoniously cut her off when I decided to marry someone else. In other words, this guy will never commit to you, as he has not done so this far. He is committed ( or will commit) to someone else and you will be cut off and hurt. If I was you I would be proactive , cut him off and find someone worthy of the great love you are obviously capable of.

Tony

Dear Neverdyed:

It is difficult for me to understand your story not only because of your English, but because regarding factual information, you share a little bit here, a little bit later on, some of your thoughts about the facts, but overall, very little factual information (what happened, where, when, what, who.. said/ did what). It is a lot of work for me to piece together the little here, little there, and see the story, what actually happened.

I read and re-read again everything you shared. For the purpose of getting a yet better understanding of your story, I will re-write what you shared in my own words, plus your exact words (I will italicize your words). After reading it all, you can let me know if my understanding is accurate. At times, in what follows, I will be guessing, making up facts that I think are likely to be true. Here it is:

I was in a relationship with a man. It was not a committed relationship: we didn’t talk about dating exclusively, and we didn’t talk about a future together. Most of the time we lived in different countries. I hardly ever reached out to him, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t want to intrude on him. When he reached out to me the ashes inside me reignited, but I didn’t tell him that.

I hardly reached out to him and I hardly shared with him my deep thoughts and feelings because I didn’t know if he wanted to hear it. I didn’t know if I will interrupt him if I initiate contact with him. When I initiate contact with people, I expect him or her to initiate next time, as it’s not my turn to speak.

I don’t want to intrude on people, so I’ve applied it to the man by hardly asking questions, even those like ‘how’s your family?’. I believe that if he wants to share, he’d do it voluntarily, if he doesn’t (share voluntarily), I’d probably get a fake or reluctant answer.

I also think that it will be selfish of me to talk much, and I was afraid sometimes that I may say something that will cause him to get angry with me, so I kept silent much of the time. When I am angry, I keep silent because I know words can be mean, so I’d rather say nothing.

Instead of risking, I choose to stay silent. But inside my head, I am not silent: I over analyzed everything, thinking a whole lot about his messages, what he meant by them, often interpreting them negatively. When I expressed to him my negative interpretations of what he said, he complained that he had to be careful talking to me.

He told me before that I should talk whenever I wanted to, but how do I know if others want to hear from me?  It’s true that I kept many things to myself when he and I were able to meet in person.

When I am upset with someone, I just keep silent and wait for the other to break the ice, so I didn’t say anything to him when I was upset. I just waited.. and waited for him to talk to me. But last week, I’ve tried to open up and communicate which I rarely did–  I finally spoke up for myself last week. I told him that I was afraid  that people I value will disappear from my life. The only encouraging thing he told me as a response was something like less contacts didn’t mean less care. I hope(d) that he’d value my worth and suggest a try, but he didn’t, and  overall, the outcomes weren’t good. Maybe I talked too much, maybe I’ll be more guarded with my thoughts.

I think it’s the right thing to cut him off, but I don’t want to block or leave him on read as I don’t like to be treated like that. Blocking is my mother’s behavior, she’d announce doing that, and it’s childish to me. A part of me probably still want to be seen ‘mature’ by him, not childish like my mother.

If he ever reaches out again, to protect myself, I may simply ignore him, which is cold and probably selfish. What if I’m too self-centered? One thing I’m afraid of is that I’d be selfish or totally cold when putting myself before him, even though that’s probably a must at the moment. If I don’t ignore him, if I continue contact with him, I will continue to shrink my true self.

Lately I developed a negative feeling towards him, not sure how to describe it, a kind of hostility maybe even though there’s no interaction at all. Hope it won’t last for too long.

When I was little, I was able to observe the unpleasant atmosphere between my parents, the process until the divorce was frightening. I can’t stand her aggressive attitude during a fight. She was always the one who forced others to talk during a fight. She tried to force my father to talk, and she’s also done that to me, which caused tensions between us. Observing my mother, I thought that she just couldn’t control herself, and I didn’t want to be like her, out of control. When she picked up a fight with me, she was like “what now? what have I done now?”, and I just wished she’d leave me alone! or she’d threat on her life

My mother told me many times, something like ‘you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude toward people”, and she criticized your performance such as in a signing contest with your brother. No mater how good I’m, she can criticise something. She told me many times how much she sacrifices for the family, and that compared to her, I’m selfish for not doing much for the family. She thinks I’m lucky.

During the fights between my parents, my mother was the one who talked and talked and demanded him to talk, but he was either quiet or simply left the house.

And now, my comments:

1) You wrote about the man: “it’s obvious that he’s far less ‘invested'” in the relationship than you. It doesn’t seem obvious to me, because you didn’t ask him questions, didn’t talk much of the time, didn’t share with him your deeper thoughts and feelings, hardly reached out to him.. so how is he to notice that you are invested in the relationship?

You know that “the ashes inside me reignited” when you met him, but how is he to know how you feel unless you tell him. You keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, so another person doesn’t know what is happening in your mind and heart. A person can guess, that is all. When you keep so much of your thoughts and feelings to yourself, in the context of a relationship, you are like a stranger to the other person. The other person doesn’t have the opportunity to get to know you.

2) You wrote: “I can’t take people lightly, I either care for someone or I don’t”, “I can be cold to those I don’t care”-

– it seems to me that in your childhood  home, your mother was like a source of hot fire, trying to ignite people with her fire, trying to force them to talk, trying to force them to get angry, trying to make other people have strong emotions. So you adjusted to her best you can by keeping inside of you anything that can burn in her fire. You became.. cold. So to not be burned by her fire.

When you feel fire (“the ashes in  me ignited”), for this man, you probably don’t express it, you keep it inside, so he doesn’t know of your fire. Or if he sees a glimpse of it, it’s only a moment in time before you turn cold again. What I am trying to say is that you feel that fire, but if it is not expressed, it remains your experience alone.

3) You decided long ago that you don’t want to be like your mother (“I’ve tried to not be my mother”). She talked too much, forced other people to talk, asking questions, ruining the atmosphere with her agitation, seeming to be out of control, childish- so you try to be the opposite of all these: talk very little, avoid asking people any questions, be in control, mature. (You also don’t want to block people, because that’s what she did).

In summary, as I see it: to truly be yourself, you need to stop trying to be the opposite of your mother. You need to learn how to talk, to communicate, to ask questions, to ask the person what he meant by saying this or that, instead of obsessing about it and making assumptions that may not be true. You need to.. interrupt the atmosphere in a good way, to let go of some control. This will not be easy, but it is possible, with work, practice and time.

And you will need to be comfortable with feeling anger at people, to learn to be okay with anger, to learn that anger has a purpose, and to express it appropriately, instead of rejecting it.

Your mother criticizes you for being cold to people.. she doesn’t know that you became cold as an adjustment to her! (You were not born cold).

She talked a lot about how much she sacrificed to her family- she didn’t sacrifice her damaging behavior for the sake of her family. On the other hand, you sacrificed .. your true self, for the sake of your family, keeping your true self hidden and locked inside you, so to  be a part of  your family.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .

Dear Neverdyed:

Thank you for your note and for wishing me a pleasant time. Take as much time as you want before getting back to me.  I wish you a pleasant time as well.

anita