I’m trying to deal with this confusion nowadays.. but sometimes I just burst into tears. I wanna ask myself: “why am I crying? Is it because I miss my ex because this new guy I like isn’t like him” To say, the worst that could be, is that I’m attracted to both of them and can’t decide whom to continue with and whom to cut off of my life. coming to cutting off my ex from my life, I couldn’t do it even after the breakup.. because after the break up, we still decided to be friends because he understands me like no one else and so do I.. we’ve been there for each other when no one was… but the fact is, not completely because it had been long distance from the beginning.. I wanna write my heart out here because there’s probably no one I know with whom I can talk to about this and get an opinion.. but the story is interesting.

so here it goes…

Talking about my ex, let’s name him Sid. 4 years ago, this cute-shy guy got newly admission in my school and was my classmate.. I didn’t date or been in a serious relationship with anyone till then so I was kind of curious about being in a relationship.. Although Sid was cute, he didn’t seem handsome and hot to me at first, he was an average looking guy with a simple haircut. The thing I liked about him before having a crush on him was that he was simple and shy.. he was so shy that he didn’t talked to any girl unless she would approach that too, he would keep it a small talk. so the thing is, at the time, universe was trying to make us meet in every possible way I guess..

Starting with a couple group dance in school, teacher was paring according to height and that was the time when I first got to know his name, as we never talked in class before.. “Sid and Kitty pair up” the teacher said. And there I looked at him… even after being partners, we didn’t talk much except for this one time to decide the color of our costumes.. although there was not much interaction during the practice, but at the final performance, he smiled looking at me while doing the couple step.. that was sweet because he thought I didn’t notice, but yeah , I did.. since then, some of the people started teasing me and that too in front of him and that kinda made me nervous maybe because I was starting to get attracted towards him. after few months, I admitted to myself that I was attracted to him… he  didn’t knew though.

Then few months later, he and his best friend joined the same tuition as me. The other time we were together was bench mates at an Olympiad outside the school… It was just luck or maybe fate that according to our roll no’s we were supposed to sit together… that time also something happened… a guy at the back was bullying and teasing him, but nah! how can I let someone do that to my crush in front of me… (yes I’m a girl but I don’t fear to take stand) so I gave a savage reply to him after which Sid was laughing on that guy and the guy was speechless..

The days went by,  I got to see him during school and tuition.. that’s why I wouldn’t miss even a day… but we didn’t talk even a bit… even though after some incidents it was obvious that I like him and he liked me too a bit, the problem was, there were many guys who liked me and wanted me.. and those guys didn’t let him even try to talk to me… by saying bullshit about me or beating and threatening him..

So 2 years passed by and none of us made the move of proposing or even asking out… but then at the end of 2nd year, when almost many of us classmates were moving to other schools for high schooling, I was moving to other city and so was he.. maybe the fact “now or never” made him confess that he was attracted to me and made me propose to him before few months of separating… (yes I proposed) but turns out now, that either we should have gone in few dates before taking this step or we should have known each other more.. we just came in a relationship because of the mid school attraction and the fact that we were separating. anyways it was neither’s fault as it was the first serious relationship for us… so yeah we can kinda say it was completely long distance from the beginning…

No dates, no movie nights, no hanging out, no holding hands, no hugs in times of need, not even being able to see each other for over an year because we were so far from each other and were in high school… can you imagine, our first kiss, first hug, even first time holding hands happened after 1 and 1/2 years of being in a long distance relationship.. so yeah we talked before, but it was virtual.. we saw each other but it was virtual, we comforted each other and been there but not really… All those times I needed “my boyfriend” the most, he wasn’t actually there.. it felt like something was missing.

Even when we both were in the same city for 9 months, he only came to meet me once or twice.. that too once by sneaking out coz once no one was at home and the other time only mom knew, but both of the times his parent’s didn’t knew. (typical strict parents) The other fact that kept us being apart even in same city was this covid pandemic. So at some point, it was becoming weird because the time we met wasn’t enough after being apart for more than an year… we couldn’t spend much time together, couldn’t talk much as we were shy cuz it was all of a sudden after this much of virtual communication.

God knows how strong and ideal couple we would have been it the distance wasn’t in between.. but anyways even after trying to communicate and being there for each other, virtually fantasizing about each other and sexting,  at some point things didn’t work out. There were many complications and problems between us. It was also getting a little toxic and we couldn’t understand each other at times even if we tried.. I tried to breakup a few times but every time, he tried to convince himself and me that its working out when it wasn’t…

At the end, after almost 2 years of being in completely long distance relationship, we both understood the situation and came to a conclusion that we shouldn’t continue being in a relationship rather we would be friends. We both understood that if we’re meant to be, we’ll be together in future maybe when and if we would be in same city or nearby. we both understood we weren’t being able to handle long distance…it was easy for neither of us to completely lose contact…but it’s not that we talk daily, just once in a while really like friends.

Our breakup happened few months ago and I know it’s a bit weird being friends so early after the breakup but it’s just what it is… Sometimes it feels like yeah, we’re good, we’re buddies, sometimes I even feel like I’ve moved on but sometimes I crave him.. emotionally and sexually.. this had happened only a few times yet 2 times when I couldn’t control, I called him and he’s hell of a sweet guy or maybe he also  craves me, every time I had called regarding this, I straightway told him that I missed him or when I was turned on, he treated me like his little baby and both the time handled me so well… made me calm even with his voice and made me feel good by a video call… the first time I called, he told that we should do it casual and we both agreed, but then there was this other guy I started liking so I told my ex that we shouldn’t do this and just be friends.

So the thing is, this other guy, let’s name him Jake.. He’s great, he’s very funny and has the best sense of humor. I’ve known him from 1 year or so, he was my classmate… although  I didn’t liked him romantically at first. so it started when one day, we suddenly started talking normally after being lost contact… we started talking very much and even talked on call.. he made me laugh but sometimes flirted romantically.. maybe that’s why I started  liking him.. he’s awesome, I love his vibe and we both know we’re not ready for something serious yet, but he told me that he’s interested in me too and wants to see if it would work out.. yeah this guy is great and all, no drama, down to earth and understanding, he wants me to grow and whenever I tell him any of my problems, he understands and encourages me to do the right thing.. I haven’t told him yet that I miss my ex (because I need to be sure myself before making a decision of letting him hurt by saying something).

So this guy (Jake) is great and all but the thing is he might have said something rude (maybe he was just being funny) that too after letting me know that he was interested in me too. So that was the second time I called my ex maybe cuz I missed him (Sid) thinking that he never told me something like that.. yeah there were complications with him yet I don’t know why I just went ahead and called him.. but now Jake is being nice and maybe that was just something funny and not rude and I’m hella confused..

I definitely know that even if I be in relationship again with my ex, this won’t change the fact that it’ll still be long distance whereas with Jake, we both know we will take a decision only if we’re ready… the thing is it feels kinda weird and confusing cuz I don’t wanna hurt either of them. I just want to be sure about my feelings! should I wait for my ex (Sid) and give it a chance or should I move forward with this new guy and be with him…?

The thing is I don’t want to make a wrong decision.. anyone who’ve experienced such situation before could give their opinion.. I would be happy to read💜