fbpx
Menu

Confused between my past and the present… Wanna figure out the future.

HomeForumsRelationshipsConfused between my past and the present… Wanna figure out the future.

New Reply
  • This topic has 11 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #376450
    kitty
    Participant

    I’m trying to deal with this confusion nowadays.. but sometimes I just burst into tears. I wanna ask myself: “why am I crying? Is it because I miss my ex because this new guy I like isn’t like him” To say, the worst that could be, is that I’m attracted to both of them and can’t decide whom to continue with and whom to cut off of my life. coming to cutting off my ex from my life, I couldn’t do it even after the breakup.. because after the break up, we still decided to be friends because he understands me like no one else and so do I.. we’ve been there for each other when no one was… but the fact is, not completely because it had been long distance from the beginning.. I wanna write my heart out here because there’s probably no one I know with whom I can talk to about this and get an opinion.. but the story is interesting.

    so here it goes…

    Talking about my ex, let’s name him Sid. 4 years ago, this cute-shy guy got newly admission in my school and was my classmate.. I didn’t date or been in a serious relationship with anyone till then so I was kind of curious about being in a relationship.. Although Sid was cute, he didn’t seem handsome and hot to me at first, he was an average looking guy with a simple haircut. The thing I liked about him before having a crush on him was that he was simple and shy.. he was so shy that he didn’t talked to any girl unless she would approach that too, he would keep it a small talk. so the thing is, at the time, universe was trying to make us meet in every possible way I guess..

    Starting with a couple group dance in school, teacher was paring according to height and that was the time when I first got to know his name, as we never talked in class before.. “Sid and Kitty pair up” the teacher said. And there I looked at him… even after being partners, we didn’t talk much except for this one time to decide the color of our costumes.. although there was not much interaction during the practice, but at the final performance, he smiled looking at me while doing the couple step.. that was sweet because he thought I didn’t notice, but yeah , I did.. since then, some of the people started teasing me and that too in front of him and that kinda made me nervous maybe because I was starting to get attracted towards him. after few months, I admitted to myself that I was attracted to him… he  didn’t knew though.

    Then few months later, he and his best friend joined the same tuition as me. The other time we were together was bench mates at an Olympiad outside the school… It was just luck or maybe fate that according to our roll no’s we were supposed to sit together… that time also something happened… a guy at the back was bullying and teasing him, but nah! how can I let someone do that to my crush in front of me… (yes I’m a girl but I don’t fear to take stand) so I gave a savage reply to him after which Sid was laughing on that guy and the guy was speechless..

    The days went by,  I got to see him during school and tuition.. that’s why I wouldn’t miss even a day… but we didn’t talk even a bit… even though after some incidents it was obvious that I like him and he liked me too a bit, the problem was, there were many guys who liked me and wanted me.. and those guys didn’t let him even try to talk to me… by saying bullshit about me or beating and threatening him..

    So 2 years passed by and none of us made the move of proposing or even asking out… but then at the end of 2nd year, when almost many of us classmates were moving to other schools for high schooling, I was moving to other city and so was he.. maybe the fact “now or never” made him confess that he was attracted to me and made me propose to him before few months of separating… (yes I proposed) but turns out now, that either we should have gone in few dates before taking this step or we should have known each other more.. we just came in a relationship because of the mid school attraction and the fact that we were separating. anyways it was neither’s fault as it was the first serious relationship for us… so yeah we can kinda say it was completely long distance from the beginning…

    No dates, no movie nights, no hanging out, no holding hands, no hugs in times of need, not even being able to see each other for over an year because we were so far from each other and were in high school… can you imagine, our first kiss, first hug, even first time holding hands happened after 1 and 1/2 years of being in a long distance relationship.. so yeah we talked before, but it was virtual.. we saw each other but it was virtual, we comforted each other and been there but not really… All those times I needed “my boyfriend” the most, he wasn’t actually there.. it felt like something was missing.

    Even when we both were in the same city for 9 months, he only came to meet me once or twice.. that too once by sneaking out coz once no one was at home and the other time only mom knew, but both of the times his parent’s didn’t knew. (typical strict parents) The other fact that kept us being apart even in same city was this covid pandemic. So at some point, it was becoming weird because the time we met wasn’t enough after being apart for more than an year… we couldn’t spend much time together, couldn’t talk much as we were shy cuz it was all of a sudden after this much of virtual communication.

    God knows how strong and ideal couple we would have been it the distance wasn’t in between.. but anyways even after trying to communicate and being there for each other, virtually fantasizing about each other and sexting,  at some point things didn’t work out. There were many complications and problems between us. It was also getting a little toxic and we couldn’t understand each other at times even if we tried.. I tried to breakup a few times but every time, he tried to convince himself and me that its working out when it wasn’t…

    At the end, after almost 2 years of being in completely long distance relationship, we both understood the situation and came to a conclusion that we shouldn’t continue being in a relationship rather we would be friends. We both understood that if we’re meant to be, we’ll be together in future maybe when and if we would be in same city or nearby. we both understood we weren’t being able to handle long distance…it was easy for neither of us to completely lose contact…but it’s not that we talk daily, just once in a while really like friends.

    Our breakup happened few months ago and I know it’s a bit weird being friends so early after the breakup but it’s just what it is… Sometimes it feels like yeah, we’re good, we’re buddies, sometimes I even feel like I’ve moved on but sometimes I crave him.. emotionally and sexually.. this had happened only a few times yet 2 times when I couldn’t control, I called him and he’s hell of a sweet guy or maybe he also  craves me, every time I had called regarding this, I straightway told him that I missed him or when I was turned on, he treated me like his little baby and both the time handled me so well… made me calm even with his voice and made me feel good by a video call… the first time I called, he told that we should do it casual and we both agreed, but then there was this other guy I started liking so I told my ex that we shouldn’t do this and just be friends.

    So the thing is, this other guy, let’s name him Jake.. He’s great, he’s very funny and has the best sense of humor. I’ve known him from 1 year or so, he was my classmate… although  I didn’t liked him romantically at first. so it started when one day, we suddenly started talking normally after being lost contact… we started talking very much and even talked on call.. he made me laugh but sometimes flirted romantically.. maybe that’s why I started  liking him.. he’s awesome, I love his vibe and we both know we’re not ready for something serious yet, but he told me that he’s interested in me too and wants to see if it would work out.. yeah this guy is great and all, no drama, down to earth and understanding, he wants me to grow and whenever I tell him any of my problems, he understands and encourages me to do the right thing.. I haven’t told him yet that I miss my ex (because I need to be sure myself before making a decision of letting him hurt by saying something).

    So this guy (Jake) is great and all but the thing is he might have said something rude (maybe he was just being funny) that too after letting me know that he was interested in me too. So that was the second time I called my ex maybe cuz I missed him (Sid) thinking that he never told me something like that.. yeah there were complications with him yet I don’t know why I just went ahead and called him.. but now Jake is being nice and maybe that was just something funny and not rude and I’m hella confused..

    I definitely know that even if I be in relationship again with my ex, this won’t change the fact that it’ll still be long distance whereas with Jake, we both know we will take a decision only if we’re ready… the thing is it feels kinda weird and confusing cuz I don’t wanna hurt either of them. I just want to be sure about my feelings! should I wait for my ex (Sid) and give it a chance or should I move forward with this new guy and be with him…?

    The thing is I don’t want to make a wrong decision.. anyone who’ve experienced such situation before could give their opinion.. I would be happy to read💜

    #376490
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kitty:

    You shared that you met Sid four years ago in school. He was shy. One day a guy at the back bullied him and you took a stand for Sid, gave the bully “a savage reply” that rendered him speechless and made Sid laugh. It was only when you and Sid were to move to different cities, that Sid and you confessed/ proposed and a long-distance relationship ensued, the “first serious relationship for us.. No dates, no movie nights, no hanging out, no holding hands, no hugs”. The two of you did engage in “virtually fantasizing about each other and sexting”.

    After 1.5 years of LD relationship, the two of you lived again in the same city for nine months, but saw each other only once or twice because your respective parents are strict and do not allow dating. Eventually you broke up. Sometimes you are okay with the two of you being buddies, but at other times, you “crave him.. emotionally and sexually”.

    There is another guy that you currently like very much, Jake. He is “awesome.. great.. down to earth and understanding”, and the two of you expressed your interest in each other. You are confused about whether what Jake told you was rude or not.

    You don’t know whether to choose Sid (“it’ll still be long distance”), or Jake. I can ask you a few questions that may help you to feel less confused and more clear. If you choose to answer me, please keep the answers as short and as factual as possible.

    1) Approximately, how old are you, Sid and Jake?

    2) Do the three of you live with your respective parents?

    3) What are Sid’s plans for his future, Jake’s plans, your plans?

    4) For how long will Sid be long-distance from you, if you renewed the relationship with him?

    5) Will Jake’s parents allow him to date you, to go on movie nights etc., and hang out?

    6) When you wrote regarding Sid: “There were many complications and problems between us. It was also getting a little toxic”- what were the complications, problems and what was toxic?

    7) What did Jake say that might have been rude?

    anita

    #376493
    kitty
    Participant

    Hey @anita thank you so much for reading this and trying to understand my situations.. I’m answering in most appropriate way possible.

    1) I’m almost 18, Sid is 18 running and Jake is almost 18 too.

    2) Yes we live with our respective parents, but the thing is my dad is strict about all this, Sid’s parents are kinda strict when it comes to relationships too but Jake’s parents are totally chill.

    3) Sid is in the medical path, giving entrance(NEET) and want’s to be a doctor in future, Jake is planning to do engineering first to be stable on his own and wants to do photography and/or film making on his own expenses, I am also planning to be a software engineer. (Jake and I are giving engineering entrance-JEE for that).

    4) I don’t really know.. cuz we’re not sure about the cities in which we’ll be getting admission but maybe chances are we will be able to meet more often as most probably we won’t be living with our parents.

    5) Yes, in fact he’s about the fact that if we will be in relationship, first one to know will be his parents and he’s planning to tell his mom about me in a few days even if we’re  not in a relationship yet.

    6) Actually there was possessiveness from his side, and there was the fact that when I wanted him by my side (when I was at my bad times), it didn’t really felt like I have a boyfriend cuz virtual communication was not that good and yet he thought that it wasn’t a big deal and said “we can’t do anything and we aren’t gonna die if we don’t meet” and that made me think that somewhere, he didn’t miss me as much as I was missing him.

    7) Actually, Jake and I were full on flirting romantically from few days and all those good morning and goodnight texts were there, but the day he told me that he was also interested in me, and I reacted accordingly as I was happy, but later that night, when he suddenly got offline and I texted goodnight, he behaved like “stop being so cheesy we’re not dating yet” but maybe he was just being sarcastic and humorous…

    kitty

     

    #376495
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kitty:

    Jake’s comment, “stop being so cheesy we’re not dating yet” does not at all seem rude to me (unless he said it in an angry voice). Jake seems like a better choice. Maybe your attraction to Sid has to do with the fact that he was your first relationship, first romance and such.

    I don’t see any benefit to choosing Sid over Jake, do you?

    anita

     

     

    #376499
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kitty:

    You wrote: “my dad is strict about all this”-

    – this makes me think that being in a long-distance relationship (with Sid) does have an advantage: fewer chances that you will get in trouble with your dad because in a LD relationship, there is no chance that (1) your father will find out that you are spending alone, in-person time with a guy, (2) you can’t get pregnant long-distance, and (3) you can’t get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) long-distance.

    What I am trying to say is that I am concerned about having given a not yet 18 year old girl advice about having a boyfriend who lives in close proximity, being that you are so young, that you are living with your parents, and that your father is so strict: I don’t want you to have troubles with your father/ at home, and I don’t want you to get pregnant or get am STD.

    Are you aware of the risks of having sex in real-life (pregnancy, STDs, emotional costs)?

    anita

    #376517
    kitty
    Participant

    Dear anita: I’ll be turning 18 (complete) in the month of June, and my dad lives elsewhere (in another state) due to work but the thing is even when I and my family wet to stay with him for 9 months during pandemic, I was in relationship with Sid and he was also in same city, my dad had caught us when once he suddenly checked my laptop and found the folder in which I saved memories and photos of him. then after the 2nd time he caught us, we were trying to meet and that time he straightway called Sid’s dad and talked roughly.. that was hella bad situation for both of us. Afterwards I decided to call his mom and apologize for my dad’s words and i told her that it was a big misunderstanding.. she just said one thing “It’s ok child, but It’s a crucial time for you all, focus on entrance” ..

    the thing is, both his parents and my dad won’t have any problem once he and I get a good college and go at the path of being on our own.. I guess being in relationship was/ is a problem just because I’m not in a college yet, and I’ve understood this fact now. As to talk about Jake, he himself has this mindset from the beginning that he wants to date after he’s in college and hasn’t dated anyone yet and so we’re not in relationship yet.. neither is Sid since we broke up but I’m in such a weird state in which I’m being my ex’s friend and we share each other many things, he also talks about this girl he’s slightly attracted to in his class.. and I don’t have problem with that, but I chose not to tell about my attraction because, I know he’s possessive and moreover he says It’s just an attraction with that other girl and doesn’t wants to be in relationship even In college.. (but I’m exception he says)

    So the thing is he isn’t moved on yet or he doesn’t wants to be in any relationship (until he becomes doctor he says) but I think that he’s just giving himself peace by thinking somewhere in his mind that in future, we’re gonna be dating no matter how long it takes… see that’s the problem, he doesn’t understand the fact that I can date other people.. the one with whom things would actually work out.. and that’s why, if I’ll tell him even the slightest about Jake, he’ll get all angry and jealous… the thing is I really don’t want to break his heart by telling him about Jake.. and I’m not certain about our (my and Sid’s) future together… I’m stuck in this situation as it feels kinda wrong to not tell him about jake because everytime we talk, he (sid) indirectly tries to say and reassure that we’ll be together afterwards maybe and he still wants to meet if we again be in the same city (in vacations) after our exams and at this point I really don’t know what to do..

    We’ll be going to college this year after the respective entrance exams we’re taking

    Kitty💜

    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by kitty.
    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by kitty.
    #376521
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Kitty,

    There are many uncertainties in your current situation, but what’s for sure is that neither Sid or Jake want to date till they enter their respective colleges. The big difference being that Sid doesn’t want to date at all until he finishes college, whereas Jake wants to, once he gets in. What is also sure is that Sid’s parents are strict and it appears he’s afraid of them more than he’s attracted to you, because he visited you only twice, even when you were in the same city.

    If I understood well, you broke up with Sid mostly because of long-distance, i.e.  mostly because of you because he’d be fine with long distance, since he wants to focus on his studies anyway, and dating isn’t his priority. Once, when you felt bad and needed his support, he even told you “we can’t do anything and we aren’t gonna die if we don’t meet”. This tells me that he isn’t that disturbed that the two of you aren’t together at the moment. He’s assuring you that you’ll be together after college, and in the meanwhile he seems pretty cool about you not being together. He’s even telling you about a girl he likes.

    My impression is that you’re actually afraid that you’d lose both Sid and Jake because if you tell Sid about Jake, he’ll get angry and jealous (you said he was possessive in the past), and you might lose him forever. But I believe you might lose him anyway, because he doesn’t seem as attached to you as you are to him. Four years of college is a very long time, and in that time, both you and he might have multiple relationships. You’re young and so many things can change. So the fact that he’s telling you that you’ll be together later might be just something he’s telling you to make you feel better – unless he really has a strong intuition that the two of you are meant to be together. But if so, he wouldn’t be having crushes on other girls, I suppose.

    What I am trying to say is that even though you believe Sid couldn’t live without you (“the thing is I really don’t want to break his heart by telling him about Jake”), I don’t think he would be that heart-broken as you believe he would. My impression is that you’re more invested in your relationship/friendship than he is.

    So my suggestion is to take a look at what you want, and not worry so much about Sid, because Sid will most likely be fine. But will you be fine without him, that’s a question. Try to answer that question for yourself, honestly.

    #376530
    kitty
    Participant

    Thank you so much @teak I think you’re somewhat right

    #376532
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Kitty, you’re welcome. If you want to share some more, please do so.

    #376539
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kitty:

    Your parents are right: “It’s a crucial time for you.. focus on entrance”. Better you don’t get distracted by a relationship, and instead- focus on your exams and education. So many, many girls/ young women lose their way because of a supposed love that leads them to a life (a) without education and a career, without a way to make money and (b) without love, as the relationship fails to deliver its promise.

    The girl feels like there is so much promise in a relationship, she focuses on it and… loses everything. So, please keep in mind the first priority in front of you: exams, education, career.

    As far as Sid: (1) no reason to tell him about Jake, it is not his business: there is no relationship in your life at the moment that requires your loyalty to this or that man. He may be possessive of you.. but he doesn’t have the right to be possessive of you. Plus, no reason to trouble him with something that is not his right to know.

    (2) I don’t think that Sid is a good candidate for a future relationship because while in a (limited)  relationship with you, “when we both were in the same city for 9 months, he only came to meet me once or twice”- this is a poor relationship performance on his part: I give him a Fail grade. His motivation to see the girl he claimed to be in a relationship with was poor and did not propel him to do what it takes to see her. This may be an indication of him having poor relationship motivation & performance later on, if you were in a relationship with him again.

    If I was you, I would figure Sid out of your future (“Wanna figure out the future” is in the title of your thread). You want a man with a relationship grade of a B or an A, not an F. If a communication with him as a friend-only is not possible, and if the communication with him troubles you, as it currently does  (“I am stuck in this situation”) ,then better you end all communication with Sid.

    *By the way, how is it that you don’t know if he came to see you 1 time or 2 times, don’t you remember?

    In regard to Jake, he seems more promising than Sid, but don’t zero in on him as The One. Instead, think of him as a possible One, someone to evaluate later on, as a candidate for a relationship. He is a better candidate than Sid, but there may be better candidates that you didn’t yet meet.

    The reason Jake is a better candidate is because he “has this mindset from the beginning that he wants to date after he’s in college”- indicating to me that (1) he may be a responsible young person and that (2) he has better relationships with his parents (he doesn’t hide a romantic relationship from his parents, and does not sneak behind their backs, like Sid did).

    A man who has a good, trustworthy relationship with his parents is likely to be a good relationship/ marriage candidate than a man with a troubled relationship with his parents.

    anita

    #376559
    kitty
    Participant

    Dear @anita :

    thank you so much for making me understand all this and of course I’ve kept my education and my career 1st priority from the beginning…

    as about Sid, yes, that’s what I needed to hear cuz somewhere in my mind, I felt he wasn’t that attached to me that much or maybe took me for granted whereas for me, I gave him much more importance than he did.. I got connected emotionally and missed him and when I told him this (even in the same city) he was like “yeah what can we do let’s hope to meet someday”

    *and yeah I remember, we met twice for a short period of time.

    and maybe It’s because the fact that his parents didn’t wanted him in a relationship before college, but then, yeah mine too didn’t but I still chose him because I knew I wasn’t letting it affect my studies.. at the same time he knew it too (he’s great in studies too) but I guess he didn’t really took that much risk for me as much as I did. I agree he’s not good for future but who knows…

    as about Jake, I don’t know much about him as a date/bf and I’m yet to discover.. and as u said, yes he might be a better candidate.. exploring is better than making a wrong choice. I just wanna see how things work out with him.

    Kitty

    #376562
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kitty:

    You are very welcome. I think that Sid is a waste of your time and emotional resources.

    “I agree he’s not good for future but who knows”- if in the future he actively pursues you (more than with words) and makes impressive efforts to see you and treat you well (…beyond words), efforts that he hasn’t make so far- then you can re-consider him as a candidate for a relationship. But don’t wait for him and definitely, don’t chase him!

    I like your use of the verb discover and explore, in relation to Jake: “I’m yet to discover… exploring is better”- yes, keep discovering and exploring, aka learning about Jake: who is he, what does he value, does he follow his words with action, does he keep his word, etc.

    anita

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.