Hi dear Anita, thanks for asking. He is now back from his hometown and we were fine for a few days. However, the cycle started to repeat. He was a bit upset and he annoyed me with some clever word-plays, some innuendos about my mistakes, such as the lack of desire on my part. I know that not being able to respond with desire in these situations is kind of normal, I’ve been stressed for so long and it’s just so hard to even breathe mindfully. When you’re not mindful at all, it’s hard to focus. I cannot distract myself with desire, it just doesn’t happen as it happens with him. Then we fought, I caught him looking through my messages when I was in the kitchen. Another discussion and I simply said that I didn’t want to warn him again about this since I’ve understood him doing this for the thousandth time. “Please, do not ever look through my stuff again”. He accepted, said that I was never this clear and he’ll listen. But in the morning, he tried again. I was furious and he was mad, as well. He kicked the wall and tried to break the glass, then went outside, we moved along with our days separately. Now, I guess we have to find a flat for him, I am still feeling sad about this stuff since I feel like I made him use all the drugs, I influenced him to go to another psychiatrist and be prescribed. I know I’m not the reason, but I feel like it could be different. I was distant at times, unable to respond to his need for attention and love. I took what I needed but I wasn’t able to give what he needed from me. Then, he started to look for some answers. Maybe our perceptions are different, maybe I need more than I can give, at this point. Maybe that’s not fair, I’m not sure. But I was able to see that living together harms him as well. Me being around him all the time gives him a burden as you suggested. He should be free of that burden first. I’ve gone to his room after he has fallen asleep to put a blanket on him yesterday, I feel really sad when he sleeps in his room, which has a little bed that’s not even clean enough instead of our comfy big bed. Also being on my own in this comfy big bed makes me feel upset and guilty as well. And he said that it makes him worse thinking about all the things I do, like putting on a blanket, since it reminds him that he’s the one to be blamed in this relationship. Now he might move in with someone who’ll disappear after 1-2 months and then he’ll be alone again.

I also quit my job, I couldn’t take it anymore and I just told a bunch of lies to be able to quit without hurting their feelings. It was not a nice way to quit, I felt so guilty for doing it this way but you can’t unring a bell. Now I’m home, most of the time, and I can process what is going on. I can mourn, I can be depressed without the obligation to be sleepless all the time. I can just cry without thinking how I will look with those swollen eyes in the morning or how will I conceal them before work. I guess I was also running from the inevitable side of humanity, being miserable. I was running from it, trying to stay in my comfort zone even though it was making me miserable day by day. I wasn’t feeling alone that much, but there were so many other things making me suffer. I guess I have to face it now, I have to be miserable for some time and do not let any other relationship distract me as I’ve done in the past.