Nick,

It is only a joke if both people are laughing. If you are getting hurt feelings, its not actually joking, its abusive (even if playfully intended) and will eventually undermine the intimacy you have with him.

If two people in love like to hit each other, on the butt for instance, it is fine thing for the intimacy to strike one another. If one likes to hit and one likes to be hit, that is fine. If one likes to hit and the other gets bruised and hurt feelings, it is not fine.

This seems like an issue with boundaries. If you have told him you do not like the cutting remarks, they hurt your feelings, and you don’t want him to do it anymore, and he continues… then it is not about being “tougher” or creating something inside you to deal with his mannerisms. It is about realizing that an intimacy that is based in mutual acceptance and respect would not look like what you have. If you wish to keep the intimacy alive, you have to set the boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise you’ll eventually lose your trust of him and look for a different partner.

Sometimes the lesson of the thornbush isn’t how to move through it without a wound, its to learn to disengage.

With warmth,
Matt

nick,

Being assertive starts with a total understanding that you are sovereign over your body. You have every right not to be hit, playfully, psychologically, physically or otherwise. Its your body, so his jabbing is invasive.

From that ground, perhaps you could say calmly:
“I don’t like that, stop. Now.”
“If you want to touch me, how about rubbing my shoulders?”
Get up and leave the room
“When you do that, I feel abused. Is that what you intend?”
“That doesn’t feel loving”

The more calm you stay, the more likely it will be to reach him as long as you are consistent. It is quite usual for a jokester/abuser to be doing what they are doing to get a reaction. If your reaction remains “that is wrong” without an emotional outburst, there is a much better chance that his desire to poke will blow itself out. Said differently, if you are consistently reflecting it back at him, he will either see it and stop, or you will become more and more assertive until you realize his cuteness isn’t enough to keep you in the line of fire.

In between, when he seems open and with you, you could try explaining your side of it. Don’t tell him what to do or what not to do, but say that when he does X, you feel Y. You don’t like feeling Y, and it is painful. If he cannot hear you, or makes excuses, perhaps you could suggest couples counseling. Communication is very important for intimacy, and if he isn’t listening on such an important issue, there are probably many areas in your relationship where you are not heard.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Nick,

Right now I see my partner once a week, maybe twice tops. During the week we text each other, maybe Skype together mid-week, but that’s it. When we first started dating (3 years ago) it was WAY more intense though, we saw each other 3-4 times a week and Skyped every single night.

I do miss my partner when we’re apart more than anything else, but I also recognize that our time apart allows me to gather my thoughts and center myself without obligations to anyone else’s needs or desires. Also, I’m a very anti-conflict person (and so is he) but the longer we know each other the easier it becomes for us to clearly voice our concerns and disagreements and annoyances without taking it personally or turning it into a Big Deal.