Dear IpkRO9:

You wrote in your post to me yesterday: “There were never issues between us- we understood one another well, but these addictions were always the bone of contention”. By “these addictions” you were referring to his addictions: “drinking.. smoking.. porn.. masturbation”.

In your original post on this thread, April 23, 2020, you posted a goodbye letter to the boyfriend who you met 1 year and 5 months earlier (Dec 2018), and who broke up with you most recently, on April 7, 2021.

In that goodbye letter to him, you wrote: “it was my obsession to have a guy in  my life who truly loved me, one who loved my weirdness, my craziness, my dramatic self”.

When you met him, you felt that you knew him from before, thinking of him as your soul mate and a twin flame. But there were issues in the relationships: “all the things that went wrong between us… (his) indulgence with other women”. There were so many issues in the relationship that your friends told you that you were a masochist for being in the relationship.

You apologized to him back in April last year, “for all the discomfort I have caused you from my love for drama”.

You wrote about a breakup you had in December2019- January 2020: “I was sick the whole of December and rarely went out of my bed… in January I did start going to college, I made sure that I was drunk in the evenings so I don’t think of you. I have attended many quizzes and classes drunk”. He then contacted you, then stopped stopped talking again, and you spent most of your evenings “sitting on top of an underground subway passage on top of the highway, drunk”.

You wrote in that same post that according to your family, “I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through by fighting”. You gave two examples of what your family referred to as “dramatic stints” performed by you:

(1) “A few days  back, I was constantly being shouted at… I remember the actions of my body but I don’t remember what was going in my mind and what I was thinking regarding the action. I screamed and screamed, as if I was being killed, kept hitting my head with my hands.. Nobody was speaking but I kept hitting myself till my mum came and held both my hands. I pushed her away..”.

(2) One day again, same thing happened… I was crying and on the floor begging them to shut up… I ran towards the terrace.. I started hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing. Papa generally stays away but he got angry and hit me few times, kicked me few times till I stopped.. I remember feeling no pain at all at that time… I kept crying till I stopped being able to breathe and heavy breathing started, they got scared and brought me water and forced fed me water and then took me to bed and asked me to sleep”. Later, you gained “all thoughts back” and felt “so scared of hurting myself nearly busted my head open by hitting it. I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”

You added: “I am never going to destroy anyone’s life now and I will stay on my own always. I will be honest about my mental state with whoever approaches”-

– you meant, I believe, that if a man approaches you for a relationship in the future, you will tell him honestly, right away about your mental state.

I would like to ask you five questions so to understand you and your situation better:

1) you wrote that you will tell whoever approaches you about your mental state. Can you tell me about your mental state?

2) What is your understand about those two episodes you described (#1 and 2 above)? Did you see a doctor/ a psychiatrist regarding those episodes?

3) Did you have such episodes outside your family home, with a boyfriend/ others?

4) Do you still drink to access at times, sitting on top of an underground subway, drunk?

5) You wrote regarding the second episode: “I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”- what did you mean by becoming worse, and by you being damned for life?

anita