Hey Sammy, hope you feel better from yesterday and are having a good weekend! Mine hasn’t actually been so bad, yesterday I didn’t feel great and only stayed at my friends for a short while as I felt anxious and wanted to have a quiet night in online with my friends, didn’t sleep well either, think its a combination of my thoughts and sleep pattern, I hate waking up at 6am when I don’t have work!
Today I have felt a lot better, I chilled in the day and have been to see friends in the evening and not felt really down, I’ve been able to laugh and joke with them and I’ve avoided drinking alcohol and also I’ve not let myself constantly obsess what she may or may not be doing, I think this is a combination of the medication possibly and I’m still going strong on the SM blackout so that has definitely helped, could also be I’m finally starting to accept she’s gone for good subconsciously and my mind could be adjusting to moving forward after how long its been now, hopefully this carries on and will be less curious as to what’s going on in her life.
I’ve started to make notes of how I feel in my phone now with dates, it’s a bit late but I do have this thread to go back on also if I need to give myself a boost and see the progress I’m making.
Who I was prior to meeting her was a very lost person, I had no direction or ambition to change my life, I had pretty much given up on doing anything apart from working a dead end job which I hated just so I had money to pay what I needed to live and then just get wasted at the weekends, I never even to buy any new clothes unless I had to, I literally had no pride in myself and really was just floating through life. This is a big reason why even though its been painful to be on and off for the last year and half I would never regret it because it has awoken me to really look at my life and change my perspective on what I want for the rest of it. I was really unhappy prior to that night I met her in the pub and we hit off and she made me feel the best I had in years for the first couple of months, this is obviously why I have become so attached and desperate to cling on no matter how toxic it has become, she may have used me when it was convenient for her but to be honest it’s has been my gain to endure all of it to learn lessons and be a catalyst for better things, I’ll be sure to thank her for that if we cross paths in the future lol.
Overall though weekend has not been nearly as bad as I feared, I’m starting to feel positivity more often now and I’m determined to use the way I feel to push me to do the things I want to do in the pursuit of my personal happiness.
Thank you for checking in, I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend!
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