Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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    I know I need to create new patterns, I feel like I’m going down the same ones daily lol! I’m hoping the therapy helps with that, I’ve tried so hard to focus different patterns but i alwayd come back to the same roads, the worst is in the morning when I first wake up, within a second I’m aware of whats happening, such a dark surreal feeling. I may start to write things out to help organise my thoughts, I’ve done this before and it did help.

    I’m not spiritual but I do enjoy reading, I tend to read a lot online, I have a wealth of knowledge on dealing with losing someone you deeply care for leaving your life in a painful way but its so hard to implement everything, saying that I know timeframes vary and i may have deeper issues that need to be addressed.

    I know what your saying about my friends, I’m very much cared about and I know that, it’s more about me wanting to be myself and I’m happy to wait it out until I feel better, I know this isnt going to last forever.

    I feel have closure now that’s she’s seeing someone else, Ive actually said before I wish she would just move on if she doesn’t want me because at least I can be left alone to heal so its happened now, I think it’s just stinging because she has moved on with someone else and I’m still grieving, although like Danny said I’m working on myself to better and she had just jumped in at the first opportunity when she has all the issues she has, I will reap the benefits in the long run, well I hope so anyway

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.

    @Jay2023 sorry yesterday I had an awful headache so fell asleep straight after work, I thought I’d message you today as you said the weekend was going to be empty. I know how it feels! New roads will lead to an exciting new adventure, pattern up!

    I used to feel awful as the day went on, in the mornings I’m so groggy I have no concept of time or anything lol. But I do recall Shelby saying the mornings for her anxiety are the worst, so maybe it’s anxiety or chemical balance thing?

    Journalling is amazing or keeping a diary, it’s good to read back, and sometimes writing it all out feels like you’ve expelled all the bad vibes.

    I wasn’t always spiritual but my break up happened right at the start of this pandemic, someone called dose of reality posted a very thought-provoking post, for me, it triggered an awakening and put everything into context so I went back to faith. It helps to know there’s a greater being who you can put your hope and faith in and no matter what happens that constant is there. Not for everybody but really does give you a different type of solace.

    Reading relationship advice is good, but if you draw too much data or read too much into something then sometimes it can leave you more confused than you started.

    I do believe you have underlying issues like rocd, over analysing and self worth. These are all remediable, i think you have the perserverance and will make change. Yes she may have moved on, that doesn’t mean she’s winning. She may even get married and tick off that checklist you wanted with her. However without facing her problems head-on will she ever grow? What you are doing will no doubt make you a better person, make you less needy, more self-loving and lead you to real contentment if done properly. Even if I didn’t have a bf right now, I would be happy. This time last year I was suicidal and never thought I’d feel complete without a relationship etc. It’s those people who are able to work on themselves, who take time to reflect, don’t rush to another relationship for validation that find inner happiness that win in life. You could be married, 2 kids, millionaire but if your soul is not happy you’ll never be.

    Tell me about yourself Jay, who were you before this chapter?



    Hey Sammy, hope you feel better from yesterday and are having a good weekend! Mine hasn’t actually been so bad, yesterday I didn’t feel great and only stayed at my friends for a short while as I felt anxious and wanted to have a quiet night in online with my friends, didn’t sleep well either, think its a combination of my thoughts and sleep pattern, I hate waking up at 6am when I don’t have work!

    Today I have felt a lot better, I chilled in the day and have been to see friends in the evening and not felt really down, I’ve been able to laugh and joke with them and I’ve avoided drinking alcohol and also I’ve not let myself constantly obsess what she may or may not be doing, I think this is a combination of the medication possibly and I’m still going strong on the SM blackout so that has definitely helped, could also be I’m finally starting to accept she’s gone for good subconsciously and my mind could be adjusting to moving forward after how long its been now, hopefully this carries on and will be less curious as to what’s going on in her life.

    I’ve started to make notes of how I feel in my phone now with dates, it’s a bit late but I do have this thread to go back on also if I need to give myself a boost and see the progress I’m making.

    Who I was prior to meeting her was a very lost person, I had no direction or ambition to change my life, I had pretty much given up on doing anything apart from working a dead end job which I hated just so I had money to pay what I needed to live and then just get wasted at the weekends, I never even to buy any new clothes unless I had to, I literally had no pride in myself and really was just floating through life. This is a big reason why even though its been painful to be on and off for the last year and half I would never regret it because it has awoken me to really look at my life and change my perspective on what I want for the rest of it. I was really unhappy prior to that night I met her in the pub and we hit off and she made me feel the best I had in years for the first couple of months, this is obviously why I have become so attached and desperate to cling on no matter how toxic it has become, she may have used me when it was convenient for her but to be honest it’s has been my gain to endure all of it to learn lessons and be a catalyst for better things, I’ll be sure to thank her for that if we cross paths in the future lol.

    Overall though weekend has not been nearly as bad as I feared, I’m starting to feel positivity more often now and I’m determined to use the way I feel to push me to do the things I want to do in the pursuit of my personal happiness.

    Thank you for checking in, I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend!

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.

    Bloody hell @Jay2023 what kind of work do you do that requires a 6 am rise? I roll out at 8 am and my first zoom call is me in half my pjs.

    I’m so glad to learn you had a better weekend than anticipated, see no expectations lead to surprises! Well done you for enjoying your day! It’s never too late!

    It seems you both used each other to a degree, you certainly got an ego boost out of it and confidence. Obviously, you’d been single so to experience physical intimacy again must have been great. It must make you realise though it is a factor that leads to attachment. It’s very similar for me, I’m very monogamous. All in or not. Maybe in the future ensure the intentions and wants are aligned before doing the deed. Women are not the only ones who get stung with thinking sex equates to love! You live and you learn.

    I think it is very sweet you would want her to know she was the catalyst for your growth. Maybe you needed to be put in that place to learn. I hope you can be in a better place one day and be reacquainted at least. She can’t have been all bad if she made you feel that good. Sometimes recognising painting the person as the bad cop or villain in the chapter is not necessary for healing but just understanding the incompatibility takes greater courage to admit and greater growth. At first, it was so much easier to feel aggrieved and I was determined to lay all the blame at the doorstep of my ex but it takes two and I saw things from his perspective when we had a final heart to heart which made me understand the reasons we didn’t fit.

    My weekend is a write off just suffered my 4th bleed today so my head about to explode! We can plan but our steps are already determined………


    Afternoon Sammy, hope today has been better for you. Woke up again at 6am, another 5 hours sleep! Its weird though because I don’t feel that tired, didn’t have much to do today and was feeling a little bit down this morning so I actually dragged myself in the gym and done 14km on the bike and felt better for it and then got an invite to watch football round my friends so at least I haven’t been stuck indoors with time to dwell on anything and back to work tomorrow! I actually get up at 5am as we have to travel quite far to get there but I’m used to it now so all good.

    I do believe this has happened for a reason and was a chapter that had to be undertaken for my own good, we did have some good moments and as much as I wanted to make more memories and enjoy life with her, I did really know from the start in my gut it couldn’t of lasted for a long period of time and the attachment and infatuation has masked that. At this time I have changing emotions but I do think once the pain settles down and I get to the point where I love myself I will look back without bitterness or hate, I think I’m doing at times now and it is still early days.

    Your right as well with the weekend being unexpected, on Friday I thought I would spend the weekend indoors dwelling on things but I have seen a lot of friends and socialised without drinking any alcohol so I feel good about that and I’m not feeling constantly sad and down about everything, starting to feel things will get better now rather than just hope they will.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.

    @Jay2023 sorry had a tough weekend with bleeds and headaches, I think the stress of the move is getting to me. On top of that I missed a deadline because I didn’t realise we are almost midway through April. The boss wasn’t happy. Luckily today I had requested a me day and just got a haircut finally and went for a walk. Friends are trying to convince me to join them for happy hour at our local but since stopping drinking I don’t enjoy the environment either. So I think ill give it a pass and relax with a bubble bath.

    How are you feeling? Did you enjoy the football with your friend? You’re doing so well in trying not to dwell. There will be moments where you feel like your going backwards but reel yourself out of it.

    Woaaaah 5am? When do you sleep and how many miles is your commute to work if you have to wake up at 5?


    @Jay2023 I accidentally pressed send without completing my reply. I’m glad you’re feeling the change now rather than just having hope. Bit by bit you’ll surpass all your own goals. Do your best to carry on persevering! Like you said at least you experienced good moments so some of the pain is worth those moments. But one day you’ll meet someone who will love you, support you, spur you to be better and spoil you and then ALL the pain will vanish. Everything will have been for that moment. May that moment last forever. Just got to do some hard work right now to better yourself so you’re ready for her when she comes and you can make better choices.

    I can’t wait to read about it. So don’t ever give up! Sometimes the mess and chaos in our lives is what makes us!


    Evening Sammy, sorry you had a difficult weekend but glad you had some you time to yourself today. I was in the same boat and declined an invitation to sit outside the pub, far too cold and not really feeling it at the moment. Yesterday was OK just wanted to get out of the house to be honest but all in all happy I had a chilled weekend and squeezed in a workout as well. So it’s a 110 mile trip to work each day but I get picked up and dropped off, normally have a sleep on the way there lol.

    Thank you for kind words, I will keep going, I feel like I’ve got my sensible head on now and will bide my time, I caught a glimpse of her name on my messenger when scrolling through and see she changed her profile pic but I’ve stood strong and not reinstalled fb to look so I’m definitely becoming more resistant to wanting to know what’s going on in her life.

    When that moment does happen when I meet someone who is on the same wavelength ill be sure to tell you all about it! Thank you for the positive messages, they keep me believing.



    @Jay2023 you’re doing great. Like re read your own posts and sensible and wise head is definitely screwed on! You sound more positive. Manifest what you want, you deserve better keep telling yourself that. Good job in not bothering to spy if it affects you like it did.


    Good grief 110 miles a day is that 55 there and 55 back or 110 each way? That’s bonkers, do you enjoy it? Right now there must be no traffic but once restrictions lift and people go back to more office days then it will be crazy! That’s dedication,  I get so car sick if I’m not driving. If you can do that you’ve got tonnes of potential to stick to a good regime to better yourself!


    Yes I’m shocked!!! I do look forward to you, Danny telling me your good news it’s hard to not get invested in your journey.


    I’ve requested another day off tomorrow my boss thinks I’ll quit after his dress me down but i know he can’t afford to lose me and i might be taking advantage a bit but u seriously feel stressy.  Dont want to take it out on others or my new bf so some me time is needed!


    You got any plans now restrictions are lifted? New haircut to match the new clothes maybe?


    Thank you! Its 55 miles each way, probably on average 3 hours a day travelling but I’ve got used to it now, the traffic is creeping up now though everything is getting back to normal. I really like the job and it’s well paid so worthwhile, in a way it saved me, I’ve worked in call centres for the last 10 years and I hated it, probably contributed to my depression over time, I used to struggle to get up at half 7 then but now I like the job I get up at 5am happily.

    If you feel you need another day then why not take one, it’s more productive for you if you’ve taken some time out from being stressed and a chance for some time to yourself. It’s been tough last few months! I’m saving my annual leave to go away nearer the end of the year and at the moment I would rather be at work! Its great to hear your invested in my journey, this thread has been a real comfort and I do look forward to the notifications popping up, knowing I can post if I’ve had a crappy moment.

    I’ve booked haircut today actually but cannot get in until May 1st, I’ve had 3 haircuts through this lockdown though because a friend I know is a hairdresser so I’ve been lucky there, no concrete plans just gonna go with how I feel at the time, I do plan to buy dj equipment in a couple of weeks to start a new hobby, I used to really enjoy it when I was younger so I thought why not!


    Hello guys

    I’ve been missing, but I was reading you all the time.

    I admit I left, because I actually felt ashamed. NBC just started posting then and I felt like I couldn’t read her posts and help her, I was feeling too bad myself, so I thought better post nothing.

    , I really admire you, you were here when you needed help, but you are now such a great support to others. I an very glad for you and your new boyfriend. 😀 And @Dannydan also helped other a lot with his advices.

    , I read you story and I do understand you, as it happened to me too. I also felt rejection and heartbreak. But it does get better. Sadly, it takes time. It is now been 8 and half months since my break up. I am no longer depressed and sad all the time. I actually was, maybe.. until month ago, month and a half. I’m not perfect also. You mentioned you are 35 I think and want to have a woman, family and kids. I understand that too, I’m 33 and I want that too. Actually, a guy like you in your years and single without kids would be really interesting to me.  It will be better with time, I promise. I can’t say I’m  perfect now and happily satisfied all the time, since I still want a partner and family. But it’s not so hard as it was at the beginning.

    These days… well I don’t cry very often, I’m not kind of depressed. Easter was a bit hard, I admit. It’s also a bit bland, with the epidemic, I admit. Sometimes I feel all the days are the same. And I know everyone stays at home too, but I also want someone to watch tv and cuddle with. And with all this epidemic, there are almost no chances to meet anyone new, and it’s hard and depressing. For both me and my other single friends, although there are few. That’s another problem, because coupled ones are not interested in going places where you can meet someone, they are mostly indifferend to that, and I understand that. But boy it is a bit hard to be one ot the last single ones in a big epidemic. I know I shouldn’t rush, but such circumstances are not easy.

    And I know people will say I sohuldn’t compare,  but that’s not it. I don’t want to be coupled because my friends are, I want that because that is my wish, it’s what I always wanted.

    I  meet with my friends often and I enjoy their company. I don’t think about my ex that often anymore. I have some really nice days. I started running and I also bought my first new car, it really was time for it. So actually I do feel much better.

    I’ve been going to piano lessons with my friends, and loving that. Also, I tried Tinder a bit. Most of my single friends did, and I also found many aquaintances, so I guess this is really popular these days. And after a few matches, I found an interesting guy that I can talk with. However, at first I was unsure and now the pandemic is rising again, so we haven’t met, but it’s nice to find someome like that. It’s like we keep each other company during these times. Still, he is from a bit further town, and we can not be even sure if we would like each other when we meet, so I don’t have hopes at this time, but it’s a little bit interesting.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.


    It’s not often you hear someone say I really like my job. You must if you do 3 hours commute a day! That’s a real positive that you feel motivated for work. It makes up the majority of our lives!

    It’s so good to hear you talking positive forward planning and I hope all the restrictions lift to allow you to have your Asia adventure. Djing sounds like a cool place to get lost. I think music can be so healing too.

    Anytime you feel low or even want to chat you’re welcome to post. That’s what this forum is for. I’m just glad you’re starting to feel the change. 3 haircuts during lockdown that’s a privilege, lucky you that you have handy friends!

    I’m enjoying the sunshine and me time. One thing I committed to do was always give myself tlc. Sometimes I’d over extend then feel worse for it. So self love is vital. How is your day today, hope you get to enjoy some of the sunshine!


    @Rhaenys it’s good you felt you could come back. Don’t let shame make you feel down. It is not for everyone to be able to input something sometimes just listening helps too. So don’t be so tough on yourself.


    It seems you have done a lot of work and making positive changes too in your life. I’m glad your ex doesn’t bother you too much now. It appears you are now dating again. Just take it steady and I’m sure you’ll find someone who is wanting the cuddles and tv nights in to share with you too. You’re doing all the right things so be very pleased with your progress! Well done!


    Thank you @Sammy for your kind words and encouragement.

    I am really surprised you mentioned dating because it doesn’t seem like that to me.  I have not meet him, we are just chatting (messages only), no videos or calls, so I’m not sure if I would find him attractive in a romantic way if I met him, it there would be chemistry. Yes, I’ve seen pictures, but pictures and messages alone can be tricky. Also, I live in one town, and work in another, and he is even further, in totally different direction so I’m not sure if that would work really. I used to be ready to move because of love, but my boyfriends so far have not deserved that and I’m careful.

    So I’m not sure if anything will come out of it, or I want that because of distance and I also told him that. I guess we’ll see.

    I still have some bad days and some days these fears if you will ever have a husband or family do come back. Especially because of this weird times in pandemic, and the uncertainity of whether and when will it end. Sometimes I do get lonely, espcially when weekends come, and for example my friends are mostly coupled and they go on romantic trips or they plan summer vacations with their partners, and life gives so few chances to meet anyone these days.

    But most of the time I do feel better. I hope I will feel even better in future and I try to be optimistic. I hope I will manage to post here more.

    I wanted to ask you Sammy, how did you manage to overcame the fear of something new? I remember reading this topic, and how you wrote that you are afraid, and you would just want to wake up with married with someone, lying near you, and with kids. How did you overcome that? I’m afraid too, afraid I can’t make a wrong choice this time, because the time is passing…


    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.

    @Rhaenys you’re welcome but it’s you who has done all the hard work. So be good to yourself and do cheerlead your progress.

    Sorry I assumed you’re on tinder because you eventually want to meet up in person once the restriction lift. However if it’s just virtual company you’re enjoying and you’re both on the same page then there’s no harm in it.

    How did I get to where I am? I let go. I stopped trying to control things, I stopped letting my fears convince me that it was never going to happen or that I had a time limit.

    I learned about my needs , and now know exactly the type of relationship I deserve and want.

    I reframed my thoughts. I lent on my spiritual side and it gave me hope if it’s meant to be it will be. I started just enjoying relationships for what they were rather than letting my mind run ahead of itself. When you’re present and just accept the outcome you feel more yourself and less likely to self sabotage. My new bf I just let it happen after discussing our needs and we were pretty much aligned, we started off talking then sharing more time in each others company and it naturally progressed from there. I think forming a strong foundation of friendship and communication is better than rushing in and being swept away by infatuation. My main concern was if something went wrong how would it impact my friendship with his sister who is my bestie. I think just the reassurance from her and knowing that I’m passed the phase of getting high of the drama. I want stability so I invest in that. If it works great if not then I’m sure there will be some meaning in it and I’m already aware of the mistakes I don’t want to repeat.


    I think the fact my ex and I are finally in a good place really helps. It was a combination of acceptance, growing up, learning to be present. Like I said to @Jay2023 if I was single i have got myself to a place where I am very happy. Thats down to using the past year to do a lot of inwardly healing after the ex and I had our final heart to heart. It cleared the air. Everything was left on the table. Last week I bumped into his mum and she said he completed a very personal goal one we had often discussed and I felt so much happiness for him and I spoke to him.  Relationships don’t have to be toxic forever and I’m glad that after the amount we invested it isn’t all wasted and lost. That’s all you can hope for.

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