- This topic has 2,306 replies, 63 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by Anonymous.
April 13, 2021 at 11:29 am #377617DannyParticipant
@Sammy you okay there mate? These bleeds don’t sound so healthy. You haven’t had the jab have you? Why you feeling stressed? It’s okay to hit a stumbling block in the journey even when you’re on the other side so don’t be afraid to ask for help or feel you have to live up to the happily ever after expectation.
2@Jay2023 I think @Rhaenys may be hitting on you! Imagine that if there was a TB romance ahaha.
@Jay2023 you’re doing great bro, you’ll be making waves and hitting the decks before you know it! That’s some progress you’ve made in altering the mindset and setting some great goals. How you finding the healing process with things opening up?
@Rhaenys you have been very busy and done a lot of hard work. Give it a little more time and work on those fears and before you know it you’ll be enjoying cuddles on the sofa!April 13, 2021 at 12:11 pm #377621
@Danny aww I’m really touched by your concern. Sometimes the sheer kindness of strangers is really beauts!!! Thanks Danny, I’m OK it’s a lot of change, new home, new bf, getting used to not being a hermit. I have sinus issues so give me headaches and terrible bleeds sometimes. The dust and moving boxes hasn’t helped. My bf is trying to help me but I’m being bit stubborn I want to do it myself. Its a big step. How are you? Wedding stress toned down for you?April 13, 2021 at 2:07 pm #377634
Evening guys hope your all well and had a good day. Welcome back Rhaenys, thank you for taking the time to read through my posts, I’m sorry that you have had to go through a similar experience, it really is the worst and most challenging episode I’ve personally had to go through so well done on making it to where you are now and what you have achieved despite the way you have felt over the last 9 months, from both our circumstances it’s comforting to know to their are people out there in the same boat wanting the same things, it’s just down to fate that we meet them one day, thanks to Sammy and Danny I now believe this will happen some day and so should you! Its good that you have found someone to chat to online if your isolated due to the lockdown, even if it doesn’t go anywhere it will help you with your confidence for talking to other people in the future.
Yes I’ve been quite lucky to have a friend who has been able to cut my hair, I’ve got to go his salon now though, was quite nice to have a home cut service!
Guys I’m gonna be honest with yous, I’m really disappointed in myself, after last night I cracked on looking at SM after seeing the profile picture change, I just couldn’t help myself. From what I can see the other person I see her in a picture with her has deleted her on fb so who knows what has happened there, I know this is completely irrelevant to me now as I should be moving as far away as I can from the situation, i feel like I’ve destroyed all the determination I’ve had the last days and making myself anxious from speculating on something that shouldn’t be important to me. I’m just reopening old wounds, I’m going to start over as I was doing so well and felt like I was making progress with starting to get away from feeling like crap, there’s only so much the medication will help if I won’t help myself. I’m just hope I don’t have to wait too long for an appointment for counselling as I think this will really help with preventing me from making these mistakes, I think where I’m fighting so hard everyday I’ve just ran out of energy to keep it up.April 13, 2021 at 2:39 pm #377637
Smack on the wrist for you! I’m just joking. What feeling triggered you to look? You were doing quite well. Was it pure curiosity that was too much, if so understandable but upon learning that information do you feel you want to be with her again?
You’re right you two are not in any form of relationship so you should be focusing on you now. Who knows what’s happened. It could have been rebound, he could be her fwb etc but without asking her you’re just letting those obsessive scenarios or thoughts eat you up.
The thing is Jay, do you really believe she’s good for you? I know you enjoyed a physical romance but scratch beneath the surface there wasn’t much else. You need to keep reminding yourself of that.
As a person she has shown no care for your feelings throughout your relationship. Hasn’t supported you in your lows or given you the encouragement to gain emotional strength. Yet you’re allowing her to have such a grip over you emotionally. The medication like you said will not stop you making the bad choices. It will just take the edge off the feelings that arise. Only you can have the power to steer this the way you should.
I feel your pain, I really do. As much as i don’t want to see you get hurt, I don’t think you have closure, I don’t think you want to let go. So maybe you need to learn the hard way? Or maybe you just need to have a good heart to heart with her like I did with my ex.
Are you feeling lonely? Missing company? Also Jay always be honest on here we will never judge you. Will give you an honest opinion but the choices are your own at the end of the day. You should be able to spill without feeling judged, that’s the point of anonymity on forums.April 13, 2021 at 2:56 pm #377638
Thank you Sammy, I will always be honest on here with you guys, after succumbing to temptation yous and my sister are the only ones I have confessed to, this is because I di really want to beat this addiction and that’s what it is now and I really feel like your all in my corner. The picture change was the trigger, I just felt an urge to have a look even after how I made me feel last time and not knowing what to expect, I suppose where I’ve told myself she’s seeing someone else now I can’t feel any worse and my anxiety is so much better now, I am curious of course to whats happened but it doesn’t change anything, bottom line is I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I want to be free of wanting someone who doesn’t want me back and I’m trying so hard to undo bad habits, I promise you though I will not contact her under any circumstances. I suppose it is loneliness creeping in, it is a reminder of missing the messages, phone calls and banter we used to have, I want to fully accept she’s gone for good but I suppose I’m not quite there yet, I’ve lost count of how long its been now, I think it’s around 8 weeks, I’ll go again though Sammy, I’ll restart the process and slowly but surely I’ll get to a place of peace so I can build a foundation for my future.
Thank you for the prompt reply, I’m feeling fine I’m just a little annoyed with myself for throwing more wood on a fire I want to go out.April 13, 2021 at 3:25 pm #377641
No problem @Jay2023, I didn’t want to leave you hanging for a reply when you need it.
Don’t be too harsh on yourself, your human and we are designed to make mistakes. You can share those calls, banter and messages with other people in your life. There is a fine line between romantic relationships and all others and that’s sex. So just a small shift in focus will aid in enjoying others company and ranting about your day etc.
As you know I’m not an advocate for doing things because a rule book states this is the way to recover. If it’s so draining for you to avoid it like I said don’t force it but don’t seek it either.
I think you have some very deep reflection to do. Like do you want to move on or secretly are you harbouring an idea of reuniting? If you want to move on then you need to recognise you have an addiction and highs from the drama i.e. New pic or latest update is keeping you hooked on the release of all those chemical reactions in your brain. Youll need amazing friends and support structure. I needed that during my alcohol addiction. It makes all the difference so surround yourself with people who want you to win.
Then really ask yourself what am I missing that I keep going back to want someone’s second best. Is it self esteem? Is it something else?
Think it was Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. You need to tackle the unconscious habits and behaviours that are repeatedly preventing you from moving on. Bit by bit destroy the patterns.
One day if this connection was as real as you deemed, if she was really a good person but wrong fit for you then you can offer each other the opportunity to reconnect and you will cherish it as much, I have done with my ex and let me tell you it feels peaceful. But right now you need to disconnect.
I never thought the man I loved for 5 years and desperately prayed for I’d be happy to be friends whilst I enjoy a wonderful new beginning and relationship. Things changes because feelings pass. You’ll get there, I promise.
You just need to commit to letting go of the baggage of crap, the things not good for you. Then you can start afresh. XApril 13, 2021 at 11:47 pm #377662
Morning Sammy, I appreciate those words, I come in from a friend’s and went straight to sleep and actually slept well. Its one day where I’ve looked so today is a new day and I will get back to avoiding it again, I really don’t want to be 2nd or 3rd best for anyone because I know I’m worth more than that, your not the first person to quote Einstein to me either. I’ve got the goals to work towards and that won’t change but the days just feel so long at the moment, I know what would help would be if I could at least establish light contact with someone else as at the moment life does feel a bit empty. Anyway I know one thing I will keep going with my routine and won’t let anything change that and I’m sure something will develop sooner or later
April 14, 2021 at 1:20 am #377667
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Jay.
@Jay2023 yes it was one day so it’s not like you have spiralled out of control. Like I said we are all prone to mistakes, we’re human. You have to have compassion to a degree.
Einstein been quoted before so listen lol!
Establish light contact then with someone else…..what’s stopping you, if it would help?
You will get through it, got to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. You deserve 1st place!April 14, 2021 at 5:53 am #377672DannyParticipant
@Sammy mate glad it’s not anything too concerning and hope the sinuses stop giving you trouble. Don’t be such , let your man help it makes us feel helpful and good! Wedding planning is in place as long as Boris doesn’t introduce new laws. I think the constant moving dates etc has added to the stress. I just need to turn up! ‘B’ wants to spend 3 weeks with her family before the wedding and not see each other at all. I’m not exactly keen on that idea but she feels it will be even more special. I feel she definitely wears the trousers in certain things so I will not have a say, you got to keep the Mrs happy !
@Jay2023 so you slipped up, happens to the best of us bro. No harm done just need to keep it moving forward. If she has had a breakup, then don’t be surprised if she hoovers she seems like that type considering how she used you. This will be your test to stand up for yourself so don’t get sucked in for another hook up.
Sammy is right if it’s a case of incompatibility then soon once those feelings pass and you have healed then you’ll have the chance to reconcile as friends or acquaintances if she was someone you actually cared about. But most often what happens is the infatuation wears off and people move on becoming indifferent. So time will prove the intentions of a person and if they cared at all.
If you really care about her so much and the feeling was mutual it’s just a temporary parting until you cross paths again with a new outlook and can share a different relationship. So don’t see it as a complete loss.
I’m confused who do you want light contact with?
Believe in yourself bro, you are the prize!April 14, 2021 at 10:51 am #377700RhaenysParticipant
Dear @Sammy, no need to apologize. You did not get it wrong at all, that was the reason I use tinder, but I guess I don’t call it dating myself until I meet this person directly, not just online. We did talk about that, and I guess we will probably meet eventually, so we’ll see how it goes. I just don’t want to have much hopes or projections, since we haven’t really meet.
Thank you for sharing your experience how to let go. I guess I’ve read all this, here and on other places. I kind od think this is how I should feel but I don’t, not yet. I guess I can’t let it go yet. I hope I will be there yet.
Actually, my ex just called me today, and as his family has some problems, he asked me on advice, since it has to do with my profession and I could help. So I told him everything I could to help. We heard a few times after our breakup. There was snow here recently and traffic jams so he asked if I am ok… He is not a bad person, we are just at different stages in our life and he is too young, and I want some other things.
I also agree with Danny you could let your bf help you, I think he would be glad to do it.
@Dannydan, hahaha, yes it does seem like I was hitting a bit. I just thought he is a good catch and I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know there are girls similar age who want connection, partnership and family, the things he mentioned he wants. I guess when I know that there are guys who want that, it makes me feel better, so I wanted to make him feel better too. 🙂
I hope everything will go well with the wedding plans, fingers crossed.
@April 14, 2021 at 11:02 am #377703
@Danny thanks again for the concern very appreciated! I’m quite a healthy individual so no need to get a jab yet so it wasn’t what you’re thinking. The sinuses give me trouble around this time usually but it will pass.
I didn’t quite see it like that. That I might be making him feel emasculated or redundant. Thanks for that info. Maybe I’ll ask him to help with a few shelves. I’m a bit nervous as things are going very well, last relationship just at the suggestion ex and I moved in and we did a lot of our adulting together. I don’t want to rush this relationship. I like he is independent with his own space and vice versa. I don’t think I’m quite ready to share a space together again I feel like if we start creating or decorating the space together it will happen before I am really ready. So that’s why I’ve been a bit more resistant to any help. I don’t want him to feel entirely excluded either so thank you.
With ‘B’ what’s 3 weeks if you are going to spend your lifetime together. I am sure it will not be a complete blackout and you can text and call. You mentioned you are from different cultures it must be a tradition to not see the bride before the big day. In other cultures, a lot of my friends don’t even cohabit with their fiancé’s before they are officially married and funnily enough their marriages are thriving. I wouldn’t be too concerned, she is right, that yearning for her by the time you meet at the aisle will be incredibly heightened and considering you two haven’t yet done the deed it will definitely be an extra special moment when you touch her. So don’t ruin it with doubts, respect her choice. Also this is her last moments with her family as a single woman, as daddys little girl, with her siblings, so it will be incredibly emotional for her to leave them considering how you said her family are very important to her. So don’t make her choose, when she has chosen you for a lifetime.
@Jay2023 are you doing okay? I always used to think when someone goes quiet they are doing fine but come to find the opposite, the silence is because they are hurting, confused or upset. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I can think of far worse things I’ve done! Here if you need a chinwag.April 14, 2021 at 11:13 am #377705
@Rhaenys that’s so thoughtful what you wanted to portray to @Jay2023. Yes there are wonderful people out there who want to love, spoil and express affection. The journey is to believe in yourself that you deserve it and then accept it when it enters.
Your advice to @Jay2023 and your behaviour towards your ex shows the size of your heart. It’s nice that although you have a yearning for him you are reaching that place of peace where you realise you don’t fit but can offer him advice and support because he is a good person. So that is very mature and giving of you. Be proud of yourself!
Thank you for the hint to allow my new bf to help. I do feel a little awful now but I will definitely reach out and include him.
With your new prospect, keep it light and gave no expectations that way you can’t be disappointed. Let it be by being in the present. You might surprise yourself! If he offers to meet , do it rather than get into a virtual attachment. You do want eventually meet a man so don’t hide behind a screen for too long !April 14, 2021 at 11:19 am #377707
Evening all, I’m okay, just not felt great today, the tablets I take can be inconsistent for the 1st couple of weeks so I’m just trying to battle on, earlier finish today which was needed, I just wanted to get home and chill, gonna have an early night and hopefully feel a bit better tomorrow, I wanted to wait until I passed from this current mood before replying lol.
It’s nice you guys can say I’m a good catch based on my posts, thank you for that nice compliment, I think you are all wonderful and considerate people, I know my posts are mainly focused on myself but I am just as invested in your journeys as you are mine 🙂.
I will be back on track and back to where I was, felt so good to be in that mind frame but I do understand its not always going to be plain sailing with the attachment I’ve got and I shouldn’t be too hard on myself given how longs it beenApril 14, 2021 at 12:16 pm #377711
Don’t worry none of us think you are being selfish by talking about yourself. It’s better to just say hey guys I don’t have the capacity then pretend and over extend yourself to point of self damage. I learned that the hard way. So by no means do any of us think what your inner critic might be feeding you.
I’m sorry you’re feeling a bit low. I suspected as much but have a relaxed evening and good night’s sleep. Sometimes sleeping on things gives you a better perspective in the morning.
You’ll get there. Don’t ever feel you can’t express or need to feign your mood. The whole purpose of this forum is it creates a space to empty out those thoughts and real feelings so you can feel heard and feel like a normal person. Because you are normal, every one of us has our own battles,life is no where near the fairytale portrayed in movies,books, SM it is full of ups and downs and about surviving each day. Becoming stronger. Becoming a better communicator, being kinder to others, showing empathy and gratitude. Equipping yourself with the tools to deal with adversity but also being brave enough to be authentic and ask for help or shoulder to lean on.
If you can do that then you’re already winning in life. I think Jay you have a lot of good qualities , focus on them and focus on the people who appreciate those and make you want to be better each day. You’ll find inner peace and contentment. Like I said you’re going to need anchors and support structure, so don’t be afraid of asking or reaching out to those who want and care enough to want you to win!
I’ll message you tomorrow. Need to finish a report. Good evening all xApril 14, 2021 at 12:44 pm #377702RhaenysParticipant
@Jay2023 Thank you for your kind worlds.
You are too harsh on yourself. I slipped myself a lot of times after my breakups.
I think after a breakup it takes some time.. You read for example Sammy’s and Danny’s posts, telling you how she wasn’t good enough for you, how she didn’t support you and wasn’t right for you. And you know they are right, you believe them, you want to believe them, but you just don’t feel it as such yourself. You still miss that person.. Sadly it takes time.
I guess the process can go slower or faster, and I don’t think I’m the best person in doing it faster.. I’ve done many things that made it slower, I guess. But at the end you realize all they were saying by yourself, when the infatuation stops. And then you will know all that they were saying to you by yourself.
You are doing all the right steps, hanging with your friends, taking care of you, going to therapy.. Don’t be so upset because of the slip. You can also try light contact with someone else, to see if that helps you.