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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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Viewing 15 posts - 2,041 through 2,055 (of 2,308 total)
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  • #377748
    Jay
    Participant

    Morning guys, I had more hours sleep last night than I’ve had in a while so that done me the world of good, still not feeling too positive but I’m ready to tackle the day.

    I’m know I’ve been a bit harsh on myself and is only human when those feelings are there, I just know in myself I’ve identified this is a weak spot that is hindering me moving on faster, Rhaenys you are so right with everything you said, I know everything being said is true as to what I deserve but the attachment just bypasses that all, I know it could take a while for this to pass so I’ll just keep doing as I am and adding any positive changes I can along the way and I know I will get to a better place.

    I’m glad I’ve got this thread to post on, it makes me feel like I’ve got a safety net when I’m feeling like I have this week, I know it’s going to pass and I’m going to feel better so thank you for your replies

    #377753
    Sammy
    Participant

    Morning @Jay2023

    Well that’s a positive you have had an excellent night sleep. It might be the medication making you drowsy but who cares if you get some proper kip! Win ✔

    I know you said you’re not spiritual and this is just a suggestion so hear me out. When you start to believe or have faith in something I.e. God or the universe etc.  You realise attachment is often confused with love.

    Learning to let go of something or an attachment you are holding onto, you start to make room for your destiny to move in. If you keep yourself in a space where you feel “loved” because of an attachment then when something enters your life, something that is good for you repel it unconsciously due to fears. You then lose the opportunity to form a real union of love. You lose the chance because you were blinded, you didn’t practice gratitude.

    Have you heard the story of the drowning man? He is stuck on the rooftop of his house drowning in a flood, a motorboat comes,  a helicopter etc but he refuses them all because of his faith in God himself rescuing him. Then he drowns when he meets God he says why didn’t you rescue me, I had faith. God replies I did through other means I.e. boat. So the moral is sometimes the very people we need are right there but because of fears and lack of gratitude we reject them. Because of our attachment to one thing we lose perception.

    So what I’m saying is letting go has been a combination of having gratitude and then faith in the process, trust that you are going to a place you are meant for, a place that might not make sense now but will make plenty of sense later.

    I don’t believe in coincidences I believe we cross paths with people for a purpose. The order of it all, no matter how painful or beautiful, was exactly what it needs to be.

    You also need to remember and learn what real love is;

    “Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you’re already full.”

    When a person loves and cares about you, they will give but expect nothing in return even if they are empty, they will still think they are full because of gratitude so they will not want anything from you. That’s pure love. Have you ever experienced that Jay?

    Your ex didn’t give you that. My ex didn’t give me that. That’s what I want and that’s what I’ll give. Which is why I’ve let go, learned to be in the present. Acceptance.

    A lot of what we are or think comes from the attitudes of those we surround ourselves by. Think Danny cut off a lot the lads for this very thing and he’s prospered. I had to distance myself from those who were not bettering me. Which is why I keep saying you need to find those people to surround yourself with that have and always will challenge you to be better and not just molly coddle or be a yes man.

     

    It will be interesting to see what you think and you don’t have to agree at all but discussion often leads to a light bulb moment.

     

     

     

    #377759
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi Sammy, i think it was more to do with being emotionally and mentally exhausted why I slept so well, either way it was well needed. I agree fully with everything you said there and it is very good advice. I haven’t experienced anything like that for a very long time and ideally that’s all I want to feel content. I know that I wouldn’t let this past relationship cast doubt over future ones and hold me back, I think I’m pretty much one of those people who won’t fully get over someone until they meet another person who makes them feel the same way or better.

    I do trust everything you say Sammy, you are living proof of that last post, I’m sure once I get to talk about this to someone and dissect everything I will be able to learn better thought patterns instead of going back to the same ones, in the meantime I’m functioning, I’m keeping to my routine and I’m keeping faith in better days coming eventually.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.
    #377762
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 hey Jay whatever it was that k.o you, learn to focus on the positive gained lol. Sometimes we think too much into things and they are not as they seem to us.

    I don’t want to overload you. You seem to be at capacity. Is that what you meant when you said establish light contact with someone else? It is the only way for you to begin moving on?

    Well I don’t agree in suppressing or filling voids by using other people. But I think if you’re really struggling then establishing a connection like @Rhaenys has and making sure both are on the same page of what it is may help you. But you will need to find someone who is supportive, caring the chances of finding that in a casual affair is low. You might want to form other connections instead?

    I think you yearn for emotional intimacy and connection. You are the type that needs that support. If you have someone to keep you company and support you as long as you’re both happy and equally getting something out of it, then go for it. Make sure it’s balanced and you’re not just taking.

    In the long run you still need to continue working on your self esteem, attachment issues but maybe you do need someone who can make you feel better or have a positive influence along the way to spur you on and help the healing process.

    Just be mindful and giving to others, set boundaries. I think with any type of relationship intention, honest communication and boundaries is key.

     

    Let me know if you need anything but I’ll keep schtum to not overload you.

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Sammy.
    #377764
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy thank you for the sage advice mate. You’re right I’m being selfish. I didn’t think about her thought process and why’s. It makes sense and thank you for that insight. I’ve had a totally different upbringing to hers and at age 16/18 were left to fend for ourselves. She is very independent but has that family centred core. It was what made me fall for her because she is very inclusive, supporting,  giving and selfless and that comes from her upbringing. Really appreciate the reminder mate so thanks!

     


    @Jay2023
    you sound very overwhelmed! @Sammy I think (correct me if I’m wrong Jay) he meant he can’t move on until all hope is gone i.e. the ex has found her one or someone better than him.

    That is crazy Jay, you can’t put your life on hold for someone who doesn’t even care. Who disrespected you like that during. That’s suspending yourself hoping to be moved by some miracle that she will want you one day. Dude where’s your self worth and respect? Go find your damn happiness , yes care about her if you wish that’s a sign of a good hearted  person but never ever stop living or joving. Ahhh man!!!c’mon who has hurt you so much to make you think that’s all your worth?

    I still confused by what you mean establish light contact with someone – do you mean her or someone else?

    #377766
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi Sammy, I’m overthinking everything at the moment, I just feel like nothing is moving along for me at the moment and I know I have to be patient as these things take time. I know I’m yearning for that feeling and I have been for a while now so when you want something your mind will try to problem solve with lots of different ideas to achieve that goal.

    Danny when I mentioned to fully get over the feeling I was referring to myself meeting someone who can make me feel that way, I’m not intentionally waiting for her find someone before I start to move on, I’m just not ready yet, when I mentioned light contact I was just thinking it maybe a way to take my mind off of things and to fill a void of loneliness I suppose, I don’t want to go out and force these scenarios, I want them to happen naturally, I’m hoping with the relaxing of the rules there will be an opportunity for that to happen soon. I won’t be establishing contact with her I can promise you that, not after this amount of time has passed, I don’t want to have to go through all this again, it’s just not worth it not matter how much I miss her.

    Honestly it could just be the medication I’m taking for the dip in mood this week, it is common for that to happen and haven’t helped myself but stirring it up by looking her up, I’m sure it will pass soon and I get back to a positive mindset.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.
    #377780
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 I understand how you feel. Overthinking is your worst enemy, I’ve been in the exact same place. It’s quite embarrassing how I was at times.

    Learn to just take things at face value. Try not to over read or question because most of the time the truth is right in front of us. Its us that twist and contort things in our mind to make it seem something it isn’t and its a very hard habit to break when you have a very querying or analysing brain. I get really understand and sympathise. That brain makes you intelligent, curious to learn but also gets you into trouble.

    Danny,  how the heck did you deduce that? Too right you’re wrong lol! I was dying to say that lol 😆  Jay is not at those depths, he has just lost sight of the bigger picture that is all!

    Jay,  you should never need to force these scenarios if you do then it normally ends like your previous relationship has. Like we discussed previously there was an aspect of you trying to make amends for the regrets in your previous relationship in this relationship but you lost yourself.

    Is there anyone on your radar or someone naturally in a position to offer you support and what you need in return – company? A morale boost from the right person can do wonders. To be frank my current bf and I formed a friendship before it developed into anything romantic. Maybe that’s a better route for you, if nothing develops you still have a great friendship and don’t need to worry along the way.

    I definitely wouldn’t advise jumping into another fully fledged relationship. You are not healed and in no position (no offense) to be a good partner right now.

     

    One thing that Danny did do right was ask himself this list of questions, he posted it a while back it might be useful for you to look it up as an exercise for yourself.

     

    In this situation I don’t get what you would gain from contacting her, so I agree don’t do it you’ve come a long way so far, reinserting yourself right now would be foolish because you’re clearly not ready to be just friends or acquaintances so you would only hurt yourself when rejected again, and the same spiral will begin. So don’t do that to yourself.

    Only contact her after enough time has passed – several months or year usually, and when you are over the romantic feelings. Just like I did with my ex. We had a heart to heart then cut all contact again, I had to change my number, sever ties with his family. I healed some more and finally we both reached a stage of peace and became reacquainted. Like I said we will never be best friends, given the physical intimacy we shared but it’s nice the person you invested so much in and still care for you can still be in touch and care about still – just like Rhaenys is learning.

    Sometimes we reach a stage where the infatuation disappears the rose tinted glasses lift and we realise actually this is a person who wasn’t very good to me, this person used me, I don’t care any longer. Then you’ll naturally not be bothered by wanting to establish any reconnection. Like Danny said when time passes, you’ll realise your and others true intentions.

     

    Finally just some reassurance, I don’t have any medication but as a woman my mood goes through 15 different phases a day lol. So don’t think you need to be happy 24/7. We are exposed to so many stressor that it’s impossible to be just learn how to COPE with the varying feelings that is the key to success. Better emotional regulation.

     

    #377836
    Jay
    Participant

    Sammy you have a such a way with words you really do! Always said with empathy and understanding, along with overthinking I also have a very good memory and although I’m trying to prioritise the bad memories I can’t seem to stop the good ones popping into my head either.

    I fell asleep early again yesterday and slept through until 3am, struggling a bit with anxiety again but not as bad as it was before. I agree I’m nowhere near ready to pursue a serious relationship and it’s not something I want to consider, sure it would be nice to have someone new to talk to for comfort but no one current on the radar, we’ll see what happens, I’m just taking each as it comes and dealing with my emotions, I know I will be okay and will get through this. I know my thoughts run wild and can get me down but my actions are in check, I don’t feel to need to reach because as you said its pointless and will only prolong the pain, its actually been the longest period of time without contact since we first started dating so it’s progress in itself, I’ve also not touched alcohol since good Friday and I feel great for that also and don’t intend for the time being, so I know I’m doing things to aid my recovery.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.
    #377838
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy ahaha you’ve been waiting for me to slip up, gunning for me since day 1 😭😭. I’m messing. @Jay2023 my bad bro, I apologise for that assumption, so busy with everything that’s happening in my sphere I dropped the ball. I try my best to reply to everyone it’s just common courtesy. After all the help this thread has given me it would be rude and selfish to ignore anyone’s messages but I do agree with Sammy I should pay closer attention when reading. My advice could potentially upset someone already hurting. So in future I’ll definitely reply but take time.
    How are you feeling with another weekend approaching bro? Any better today? Sammy gave some sage advice above, if you can’t be bothered looking through the thread. I can re post the questions and it’s an exercise that we can do on this thread. I know @Kkasxo and others found it useful.


    @Sammy
    I know your previous message was addressed to @Jay2023 in regards to moving on and letting go, but something about gratitude resonated. It is very easy to get comfortable and take people for granted. I have been guilty of that myself in the past. I personally just wanted to add we may have had a rocky start but the amount of effort you put in to help even though you are now in a better place is a testament to your character. When people are in better place they often forget those who helped them there, you’ve helped others when you were low like Shelbyville, Michelle and whilst high like me, NBC, Jay. You’ve given your precious time, spared a thought for the feelings of others and check in when no one would expect you to, I think it’s an incredible quality you possess. Very difficult to find people like you, the people in your life are lucky to have you, I hope they know that and don’t take granted as I know people who exhibit kindness like you are often taken for granted. So I just wanted to take this moment to express my gratitude. I’m grateful to have had a virtual person who has given me the inspiration to continue to be a better person like ‘B’ offers irl. It’s encouraged me to make sure those in my life I express it to aswell! Eternally grateful to have stumbled across this thread, I agree with your sentiments about certain things placed in your life by God too. It’s all fated.

    #377848
    Jay
    Participant

    Its fine Danny, to be honest where I’ve been up and down it could easily have assumed I felt that way. I feel strange today, like I’m not feeling like I’m missing anything terribly but I do feel a bit anxious, maybe because it’s the weekend and I have no plans again. If you wish to post the questions again then I’ll happily have a look to see if they can aid me in anyway possible, I’m open to anything that could possibly make me feel better.

    Also I fully agree with everything you said in regards to Sammys contributions on this thread, she is very selfless and giving and I fully appreciate the advice and the time she takes to check in and provide detailed posts 🙂.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.
    #377853
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 here are the questions I asked. Copied and pasted.

    If like me you suffer from self doubts which seep into your relationship decision making, then from my experience these were the questions I asked myself and wrote out, which led me back to ‘B’ and solidified my decision and feelings.

    • What do I need in a meaningful relationship?

    I knew I needed an emotionally supportive partner. Someone who would listen without judgement, compassionate, generous but actually encouraged me to be a better person. A best friend so someone I can be totally 100 with.

    • Do our values and ideals align?

    Discussing your morals, values, future frankly is so important if you want a serious relationship. There will always be a need to compromise but discussing it early you can avoid staying in a relationship longer than you should if there are major conflicts. B and I always had that instant connect where we could talk deeply about anything – we discussed so much the first time so when I was reflecting I knew with compromise (mainly physical aspect) we were otherwise pretty much aligned before the reconciliation.

    • Is this person someone I truly trust to share anything with?

    Real love is meant to grow. It can only grow if you have a deep emotional bond where you go beneath the surface and see their true self without feeling afraid in anyway – B saw all my faults, scars and I hadn’t even been fully vulnerable yet. I knew that was special.

    • Is there some physical/sexual attraction there?

    Before anyone jumps on me, I said SOME because I’ve grown up from my superficial views. However that being said it’s got to be there to some extent without it you will find your eyes and your heart wandering/fantasising when needs are not met – I’ve always thought ‘B’ was hot and initially it was more about the chase. It’s deepened into an indescribable force because of the emotional attraction we’ve built by spending time together without going for the home run. I have no doubt now about the physical intimacy and I’d describe her as beautiful now!

    • Does your partner truly make you happy?

    When someone makes you really happy, it has a noticeable positive effect on your life. When I think of ‘B’ it’s always positive connotations, she always uplifts me.

    •  Am I ready to spend the whole of my life with this person until death does us apart?

    Commitment should be taken seriously so many people just say go with the flow, stay in the moment and staying like that often leads to a dead end. If you love someone you’ll want to be loyal, respect and fully accept your partners imperfections. I accept B’s flaw – not many discovered yet! But I actually love her so much I know I’ll overlook them. I want to commit with intent that’s so important.

    • Are you loving conditionally, is it a need for you, is your relationship equal?

    ‘B’ was a need for me the first time around. She saved me from drowning. I didn’t really offer her much but she clearly saw something in me. On reflection
    I only really understood the meaning of love through ‘B’ after she walked away. I love her unconditionally now and I believe our partnership is on equal footing. I believe she offers me everything I’ve needed and more. I believe I offer her the same in return now.

    The right person will feel like a light when you’re stumbling in the darkness, will make those racing thoughts and self doubts hush with their compassion and understanding. Have a positive energy and effect on you – from your mental space to all your relationships around you. Your productivity will increase and you’ll find yourself stepping up and wanting to do better not just for your partner but yourself too.  You’ll know it is real love because that person usually brings out the best in us.

     

    Now @Jay2023 these questions make you realise what it is you need. If you had it with someone like I did with ‘B’ then make amends. If you didn’t it makes you realise what you deserve and to look for.

    #377854
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 thought I’d break down the posts so it isn’t too long. Where are these anxious feelings stemming from. Usually there is something that causes unease then that festers until we confront it. So what is making you feel uneasy?

    Even if you don’t have solid plans , don’t write your weekend off before it’s even begun. Expect the unexpected.

    Yes Sammy is very selfless and I thought she deserved to be told. Quite often we get caught up in our own issues we forget to say a simple thank you, it goes a long way especially for those who have shown concern to check in on us. In a selfish world not many would.

    #377856
    Jay
    Participant

    Thanks Danny, I appreciate the time and effort in that last post, I will certainly give the first post some time and consideration and then let you know my views.

    Last weekend I had no plans and feared for the worst and it was okay, I’m not sure where the anxiety has come from there’s no specific reason, today I’ve not felt an overwhelming urge to know what’s going on with her or to check SM or sadness about things which I feel a sense of relief about today.  I’ve found this week quite challenging mentally so I’ll be glad to see the back of it. I think I will start getting myself together in the next couple of weeks and try to start making plans so I’ve got something to look forward, I haven’t really felt up to doing that recently but I thinks it’s important to start making positive plans.

    #377858
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    Maybe something else externally or internally is affecting you. Your feelings don’t  seem to be stemming from her alone especially considering you’re not experiencing the urge to pry further into the SM update. So something else is probably causing unease, you said you’ve had a challenging week mentally,  what else has been bothering you this week? Yes you slipped up this week, but it was minor, try to remember that the update in picture couldn’t have been any worse than discovering she had moved on with another man. That was the worst case scenario and it happened.

    When you have no expectations you live a more peaceful life. The steps you’ve taken are moving you forward. You need to continue thinking positively. Change will come. Whenever you’re ready get back to us on the questions. It may help it may not, everything is worth a try. If you don’t try you’ll never know.

     

    #377861
    Jay
    Participant

    Its definitely not anything external, I know it’s because I slipped and looked, it created lots of unnecessary questions in my mind and also weakened me to get back into a detrimental habit as I discovered things might not have worked out but I know if that’s the case then I’m just waiting for the next bombshell to set me back, I feel a bit stronger today that I can repel the urge to look for harmful information. Also I’m just feeling lethargic from the healing process, I have a void at the moment and it does feel a little bit lonely, this week barring one day I’ve just come home from work, had dinner and gone to bed which is not that stimulating for what I’m feeling at this time. I’m also waiting for medication to take affect as well so I know things will improve. I’ll have a good think about the questionnaire and come back with some thoughts, I can say I can’t tick many boxes from the answers I would have from the recent relationship but we all know that from my posts lol.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Jay.
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