I would say yes to all those things with OCD, not to an extreme but I feel uncomfortable with things like odd numbers etc., not a serious issue with those incidences but there is trait there, ruminating in particular I would say.

I wouldn’t say spying but I would read into things like profile picture change etc., I know that’s a red flag, it was from the get go after the first time she got cold feet with seeing each other, from that point onwards I never felt secure in whatever the relationship was but was happy to go along with it because I was still spending time with her even though it wasn’t right. There was a lack of communication on my part as well as I never wanted to lose what I had at the time no matter how toxic it was from the outset, these are all lessons though, I was just so desperate to keep anything alive I lost all control of what was going in and that in a sense probably contributed to her losing attraction.

Also apologies I never tag, I add from my phone and for some reason I’ve never got the hang of it lol

It was about 2 months in, she had come back from a holiday with her children and she just felt long term it wasn’t going to go anywhere even though she enjoyed my company, anyway I tried to reason for a couple of days and then just left it, about a week later she wanted to meet up and ended up staying with me for a few nights because her kids were away, I knew really I was being used because she had nothing else going on but I was craving her company then, few days after that she felt she hadn’t given it a chance and wanted to carry on dating so of course I went along with it, I knew all the time in my gut it was doomed but I just really liked her around me so I settled for this as shameful as it is, I think it was a combination of both desperation and liking her, I never thought she was the one because I knew early on the balance was off and I was far more into her than me, from my point of view though this was the first person I had felt that way about in a long time, in hindsight I would of loved to have gone this isn’t worth my energy so let’s just leave it, still I have learnt lessons and I’ve improved my life massively whilst this has gone on.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.

I know it’s crazy how I’ve let it go like it has, like you said in a previous post she knew I was vulnerable and easy to manipulate, for the first 3 weeks I wasn’t really that interested as I couldn’t see myself being someone who could get into a long term relationship with 3 children but I thought we had developed a connection, it really does seem as she felt comfortable with me and knew I was a nice person it was convenient for her to get some company for the time being, what I still can’t understand until this point is why she always came back, she could or easily found someone else and moved on.

Of course I can take all this into future relationships and to have more respect for myself, normally I’m really good with being firm with people and not being taken for a ride but this particular person I was just soft and let her walk all over me, guess she just had a hold on me, i really believe it was more her of a person than fear of being my own, at times I really believed it could work out.

No I’ve never spoken to a therapist before, I’m not nervous or anything, i can comfortably talk to people I don’t know well about feelings, I also hope it can benefit me in some way and I’m open to anything that will help with the battle I’m in currently, I’ll be sure to let you know Sammy thank you.

@Jay2023 you’re a bigger person than I’ll ever be. It shows if you even contemplated taking on 3 children. I just don’t think I could without having my own first. So right away I’d steer clear. I think it’s also quite selfish of her to have introduced you to her family I.e. kids knowing she was unsure. As a mother instead of having a revolving door of men enter and exit I’d want stability for my children. So I think you’ve avoided bigger problems down the line had you stayed longer.

I think no offense to you in this instance she came back to breadcrumb so she had you available when she needed you at times she was bored, lonely and horny. Most women only sleep with a guy they are unsure about to get their needs met. This is why I asked did you ever buy her things because she could have also been using you for gifts. GOLD DIGGERS exist. A self respecting woman would never go there. Eventually the guilt must have got to her.

I really am sad to say I don’t think she came back to you because she cared because at no time have you indicated she supported you. Also she couldn’t have been fighting for some love because when a woman is in love she is all in. Like I said earlier takers don’t know their limits. They will use you without a thought for how their actions impact the other. When you come across an emotionally unstable person this is what happens.

I’m so happy with the movement you’re making, CBT is all about your capacity to change and believing you can alter the negative thought processes. It is something I did with the support of my bestie who has a masters in psychology. It does work. As long as you’re willing to put effort and change then I think you will make it a success and get out of that hole. Jay surround yourself with people who love you and will support you during this time and your progress will be incredible.

I hope you are starting to see the glimmer now. Baby steps toward a better you. How’s your sm hiatus going? Any slipping? Might help to just block her.

@Jay2023

I know it was a picture but often social media is a lie, don’t let your head get wrapped up in the trail of thoughts she’s now x,y,z without you, whilst you’re drowning. You may be drowning right now but at least you’re confronting your issues whilst she’s masking hers with another guy. She’s bound to run into problems sooner or later. Everyone who is emotionally unstable does! She clearly is.

Instead praise yourself for trying to get to the root of your issues and being a better version for yourself. Us men hardly ever change, the one’s who undertake this task are the ones that always end up successful. So good on you bro!

Thailand sounds like a shout. You planning a single trip or taking some mates?

Don’t worry about the whole exchange thing that Sammy is getting at. I don’t think you were looking at the usual scenario men get caught up in – gifts for sex. You’re too kind for your own good. I think you saw a person you genuinely cared about and wanted to treat. No indication you wanted to buy her love or affections, like she was a commodity. There’s very few genuine people who spoil and do that these days, she was lucky. Another reason why it’s her loss.
(Sammy, I now how the song gold digger running through my head!! Ahaha)

It appears she had a high flying career herself? So I doubt the gold digger notion too. However if she has a great career and suspected you wouldn’t match it then I can see a reason for why she may have dropped you.

Bit cruel of her to have a family dinner and then drop the doubts bomb. In hindsight I’m sure you’re aware of how profoundly incompatible and how far removed this was from a healthy loving relationship.

Try in future not to let physical intimacy blind you. Think objectively. Although you were warming to the idea of a mixed or integrated family unit , I think because you desperately wanted to be with her you’d be able to also uphold that responsibility for the children. But the realities of such a situation are completely different.
The support front was already lacking for you when you lost your job. This is a red flag.

Imagine adding responsibility and inevitable friction with kids arising, you would have been left on the sidelines always and felt unsupported and worn yourself out!

I think you’re doing all the right things. You’re proactive approach will serve you well. I hope CBT is a success for you. I hope you are starting to realise this is no longer about her but you. You have the power within yourself to attain that future happiness you desire. Better choices, better outcomes.

@Sammy1

Your new man sounds great, I’m very happy for you. Hopefully you can settle on the Michael Buble front! Slow and steady and I’m sure you will have a good chance of making a great partnership!

Thank you for the advice on ‘B’ is nice to be reminded about the bigger picture. Me and her starting a new life together. I can’t reveal the date of the civil ceremony, yes I’m slightly superstitious but its looking likely we will get all of the events done this summer as long as Boris doesn’t have other ideas. Wedding planning is a nightmare though. I think I’m looking forward to it all being done so I can enjoy her to myself. Cotswold is where we are hoping to settle!

@Danny and @Jay2023

Lol I wasn’t insinuating it was that type of exchange! Jay comes across as too caring and giving to give something to a woman as an expectation for something in return! Whereas you Danny have a track record…I’m joking you’ve grown so much and I’m very proud!

Sorry ” Eighteen years, eighteen years
She got one of your kids, got you for eighteen years….now I ain’t saying she’s a golddigger ” catchy tune! Lol not going to judge her like Danny rightly said it’s not about her it’s about you JAY!

She definitely breadcrumbed and probably still wanted you as an option if it went south with another guy!

Jay you sound like a different person already from the beginning of Easter weekend when you found out. You sound determined and positive. I know this doesn’t stay linear but you can look back at the thread and see the good days are coming.

It’s great you’re not getting too caught up in the past. Focusing on the present and future with your holiday plans and goals. Really huge steps so be proud. How are you today?

Danny , women plan their fairytale wedding from the day they’re born lol so try and enjoy the moments of being engaged too and the events to follow! Hopefully you have your whole life to be a married couple. So enjoy these magical days!

Sure @Jay2023 we’re here, may get busy with my house move but will do my best to reply.

That’s okay if it’s faded,no emotion stays at 100 that’s the same for sadness. It will not stay forever. Life will keep you moving one way or another. On days when you feel less confident or hopeful of change just try and survive that wave.

I’m really sorry I can’t help with how to deal with the effects of medication, I have no experience. I know @Tim1 and @Shelbyville took something for their anxiety/depression. I recall Shelby saying it takes the edge off enough to cope but you still feel all the emotions. You don’t go numb. Can you mix alcohol and these types of medications? Be careful last thing you need on top is a trip to A&E for interaction or overdose!

A thing that my bestie taught me was when that train of thought comes, each time it enters your mind. Say WHOOSH aloud. Adding onomatopoeia stops it in its track. Sounds stupid but do it long enough with some form of action, it distracts you immediately. Then give yourself the hard truths.

Relationships built on one individual desperately trying to craft themselves into a person they think the other would love are not good, or healthy, or sustainable. Relationships are about truth, about loving and respecting each other for who and where you are right now.

Where are you right now? Alone so you need to love yourself.

Whereas if you just constantly focus on what is she doing, is she thinking of me like I’m thinking of her, your thoughts will spiral. Most often or not you will not even cross her mind! So don’t destroy yourself with rumination.
It’s the smaller steps that add to the bigger progress. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself.

You’re doing great. Even if your weekend is empty in the sense you have no where to go. Tim once said having some form of niche hobby to look forward to at times of stress can help a lot. He enjoyed Lego.  Is there anything you enjoy doing? Any hobby that can involve some form of creative and manual work that will allow you to focus on the task at hand. Some people enjoy woodwork. Some people enjoy working on an old car. Is there a project you can embark on during your process of healing that can be the physical culmination of your work?

Also it’s very important as you heal and grow that you surround yourself with positive, encouraging people. If you feel like some of your crowd or friends are not supportive and just expect you to carry on then that’s the last thing you need. You need good people at times like this. So be wary of the influences of your inner circle. Be wary of those who may have encouraged to stay in a toxic situation too!  When I had my break up initially I pushed away the people who were good for my soul, who were honest and wanted the best for me. Instead I sought out those who were just saying what I wanted to hear who in the end delayed my healing.

The process of becoming a better adjusted person is developing the emotional tools and intelligence to know whats good for your soul. Once you start feeding the soul good, you will in turn feel much better!

@Jay2023

The brain is used to going to the established pathways. You literally need to create a new pattern. She won’t leave your mind until you decide to stop thinking of her. She’s there’s for that very reason because of dwelling.

Hit your home gym, endorphins are powerful for lifting the mood. Are you spiritual at all? Books, podcasts and meditating may also help.

Going out to the pub and enjoying a coke or soft drink instead can be just as rewarding it’s the being in company that’s important and not confining yourself indoors. I think everything feels bigger than it actually is, if your friends are good ones they’ll never tire or think you’re bringing down the mood. So don’t feed yourself that narrative you’re Eeyore!

Do you feel you have full closure?