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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #377329
    Jay
    Participant

    I would say yes to all those things with OCD, not to an extreme but I feel uncomfortable with things like odd numbers etc., not a serious issue with those incidences but there is trait there, ruminating in particular I would say.

    I wouldn’t say spying but I would read into things like profile picture change etc., I know that’s a red flag, it was from the get go after the first time she got cold feet with seeing each other, from that point onwards I never felt secure in whatever the relationship was but was happy to go along with it because I was still spending time with her even though it wasn’t right. There was a lack of communication on my part as well as I never wanted to lose what I had at the time no matter how toxic it was from the outset, these are all lessons though, I was just so desperate to keep anything alive I lost all control of what was going in and that in a sense probably contributed to her losing attraction.

    Also apologies I never tag, I add from my phone and for some reason I’ve never got the hang of it lol

    #377333
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 it’s fine i can take the time to read if the message is addressed to me or someone else. So don’t worry about tagging.

     

    I feel once you address the ocd even though it id mild you will find you have more control by letting go of control. Weird but sometimes just letting things be is key.

    I hope you don’t mind but I want to understand you more, when was the first time she experienced cold feet like how soon into your relationship? And did she talk about why?

    Do you think you were desperate to keep it alive because you had been lonely? Rather than her being the one?

     

     

    #377334
    Jay
    Participant

    It was about 2 months in, she had come back from a holiday with her children and she just felt long term it wasn’t going to go anywhere even though she enjoyed my company, anyway I tried to reason for a couple of days and then just left it, about a week later she wanted to meet up and ended up staying with me for a few nights because her kids were away, I knew really I was being used because she had nothing else going on but I was craving her company then, few days after that she felt she hadn’t given it a chance and wanted to carry on dating so of course I went along with it, I knew all the time in my gut it was doomed but I just really liked her around me so I settled for this as shameful as it is, I think it was a combination of both desperation and liking her, I never thought she was the one because I knew early on the balance was off and I was far more into her than me, from my point of view though this was the first person I had felt that way about in a long time, in hindsight I would of loved to have gone this isn’t worth my energy so let’s just leave it, still I have learnt lessons and I’ve improved my life massively whilst this has gone on.

    • This reply was modified 3 days, 14 hours ago by Jay.
    • This reply was modified 3 days, 14 hours ago by Jay.
    #377337
    Sammy
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Wow @Jay2023 Two months in and she was doing that and you let it drag for 18 months? That’s at least a year too long, lessons learned. Don’t shame yourself. Just build your self esteem so no one ever takes advantage. You know givers often have to create boundaries or set limits as the takers don’t have any. Makes me so sad that you’re enduring pain right now. But sometimes we have to learn the hard way.</p>
    This will make you stronger and will lead to a healthier relationship as you’ll learn to also communicate your needs. Thats really important. Making sure you don’t appease others to make things pretend happy. It is better to communicate and face issues so you can avoid prolonging problems like above.

    Have you ever had therapy before? I hope tomorrow you gain a new perspective and let me know how it goes. Rooting for you Jay!

     

    #377338
    Jay
    Participant

    I know it’s crazy how I’ve let it go like it has, like you said in a previous post she knew I was vulnerable and easy to manipulate, for the first 3 weeks I wasn’t really that interested as I couldn’t see myself being someone who could get into a long term relationship with 3 children but I thought we had developed a connection, it really does seem as she felt comfortable with me and knew I was a nice person it was convenient for her to get some company for the time being, what I still can’t understand until this point is why she always came back, she could or easily found someone else and moved on.

    Of course I can take all this into future relationships and to have more respect for myself, normally I’m really good with being firm with people and not being taken for a ride but this particular person I was just soft and let her walk all over me, guess she just had a hold on me, i really believe it was more her of a person than fear of being my own, at times I really believed it could work out.

    No I’ve never spoken to a therapist before, I’m not nervous or anything, i can comfortably talk to people I don’t know well about feelings, I also hope it can benefit me in some way and I’m open to anything that will help with the battle I’m in currently, I’ll be sure to let you know Sammy thank you.

    #377354
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi Sammy, just a quick post to say the call went well, it was an assessment and they are referring me for CBT, not sure how long it will be but I definitely felt better for it so feeling positive about finally getting out of this hole at some point!

    #377357
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 you’re a bigger person than I’ll ever be. It shows if you even contemplated taking on 3 children. I just don’t think I could without having my own first. So right away I’d steer clear. I think it’s also quite selfish of her to have introduced you to her family I.e. kids knowing she was unsure. As a mother instead of having a revolving door of men enter and exit I’d want stability for my children. So I think you’ve avoided bigger problems down the line had you stayed longer.

     

    I think no offense to you in this instance she came back to breadcrumb so she had you available when she needed you at times she was bored, lonely and horny. Most women only sleep with a guy they are unsure about to get their needs met. This is why I asked did you ever buy her things because she could have also been using you for gifts. GOLD DIGGERS exist. A self respecting woman would never go there. Eventually the guilt must have got to her.

    I really am sad to say I don’t think she came back to you because she cared because at no time have you indicated she supported you. Also she couldn’t have been fighting for some love because when a woman is in love she is all in. Like I said earlier takers don’t know their limits. They will use you without a thought for how their actions impact the other. When you come across an emotionally unstable person this is what happens.

    I’m so happy with the movement you’re making, CBT is all about your capacity to change and believing you can alter the negative thought processes. It is something I did with the support of my bestie who has a masters in psychology. It does work. As long as you’re willing to put effort and change then I think you will make it a success and get out of that hole. Jay surround yourself with people who love you and will support you during this time and your progress will be incredible.

    I hope you are starting to see the glimmer now. Baby steps toward a better you. How’s your sm hiatus going? Any slipping? Might help to just block her.

    #377358
    Jay
    Participant

    As I say at first I was not on bored with that but as I grew to like her and she stated she wanted a family unit at some point I knew that was a sacrifice I would need to make, as I don’t have children I actually warmed to the idea of becoming part of her family and would of welcomed them into mine, only danger of that is it can be taken away and you are left picking up the pieces so I was reluctant to do so at times.

    She always offered to pay her own way, she works hard for the life she lives I will say that but me being me I always offered to pay and did buy gifts, not with the objective of trying to buy her love but just because I wanted to treat her and I’m able to do so, so no that’s one thing I will say she definitely isn’t a gold digger. I did have doubts on long term because of my career and what I could provide but she always insisted that didn’t matter and wasn’t about money. I also agree with the introduction to her children, she doesn’t have much free time I guess only every other weekend so there was no choice in order to spend time together, 2 weeks before the breakup in September I actually went there for dinner with all of them around the table, that really annoyed me because there was no need to do that if she knew things were not right, I read into it and thought it was positive.

    I’ve definitely been given breadcrumbs, even in the last messages exchanged when I was being desperate she said she doesn’t know how she will feel in the future and may be drawn back together, probably cowardice tbh rather than being firm and saying its over for good and you should move on.

    It was unbalanced on the support front, she would say I’m capable of so much more and have potential but when I lost my job it felt like everytime we spoke I was made to feel I should be doing more to get one rather than being sympathetic. It wasn’t an urgent issue money wise to get one, in fact I took first temp job just to help with my mental health to get back into a routine. I always knew she didn’t love me, it never got deep enough, in my opinion I don’t think she is capable of giving too much love because of the life she leads.

    I think I’m really gonna benefit from CBT, this is the big problem for me at the moment, once I can channel the obsessive thoughts and behaviour patterns I’ll be on the right track to getting over this. I’m still going strong on the SM black out, the longer it goes the easier it is as I tell myself I will have to start all over from day one, I won’t bother blocking I just dont need SM full stop at the moment, it’s quite refreshing to not go through the news feed everyday, the longer I go with this and not be exposed the to anything to do with her it will fade and be less painful.

    I think the combination of the medication and therapy to map out all the issues will be the foundation I need to rebuild myself into a better, stronger person and will be better equipped for finding future happiness.

    #377359
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    I know it was a picture but often social media is a lie, don’t let your head get wrapped up in the trail of thoughts she’s now x,y,z without you, whilst you’re drowning. You may be drowning right now but at least you’re confronting your issues whilst she’s masking hers with another guy. She’s bound to run into problems sooner or later. Everyone who is emotionally unstable does! She clearly is.

    Instead praise yourself for trying to get to the root of your issues and being a better version for yourself. Us men hardly ever change, the one’s who undertake this task are the ones that always end up successful. So good on you bro!

    Thailand sounds like a shout. You planning a single trip or taking some mates?

    Don’t worry about the whole exchange thing that Sammy is getting at. I don’t think you were looking at the usual scenario men get caught up in – gifts for sex. You’re too kind for your own good. I think you saw a person you genuinely cared about and wanted to treat. No indication you wanted to buy her love or affections, like she was a commodity. There’s very few genuine people who spoil and do that these days, she was lucky. Another reason why it’s her loss.
    (Sammy, I now how the song gold digger running through my head!! Ahaha)

    It appears she had a high flying career herself? So I doubt the gold digger notion too. However if she has a great career and suspected you wouldn’t match it then I can see a reason for why she may have dropped you.

    Bit cruel of her to have a family dinner and then drop the doubts bomb. In hindsight I’m sure you’re aware of how profoundly incompatible and how far removed this was from a healthy loving relationship.

    Try in future not to let physical intimacy blind you. Think objectively. Although you were warming to the idea of a mixed or integrated family unit , I think because you desperately wanted to be with her you’d be able to also uphold that responsibility for the children. But the realities of such a situation are completely different.
    The support front was already lacking for you when you lost your job. This is a red flag.

    Imagine adding responsibility and inevitable friction with kids arising, you would have been left on the sidelines always and felt unsupported and worn yourself out!

    I think you’re doing all the right things. You’re proactive approach will serve you well. I hope CBT is a success for you. I hope you are starting to realise this is no longer about her but you. You have the power within yourself to attain that future happiness you desire. Better choices, better outcomes.


    @Sammy1

    Your new man sounds great, I’m very happy for you. Hopefully you can settle on the Michael Buble front! Slow and steady and I’m sure you will have a good chance of making a great partnership!

    Thank you for the advice on ‘B’ is nice to be reminded about the bigger picture. Me and her starting a new life together. I can’t reveal the date of the civil ceremony, yes I’m slightly superstitious but its looking likely we will get all of the events done this summer as long as Boris doesn’t have other ideas. Wedding planning is a nightmare though. I think I’m looking forward to it all being done so I can enjoy her to myself. Cotswold is where we are hoping to settle!

    #377360
    Jay
    Participant

    Thanks Danny mate, your spot on, I know its no longer my problem and I need to focus on myself, I have no doubt she will follow the same cycle and I do tell myself she will struggle to find someone to treat her the way I did. Seeing the picture was painful but a wake up call to see this and in sense speeding up the moving on process, thanks for recognition on the steps I’ve been taking, I am actually proud of myself after shelving the idea for a long time.

    I would preferably like to go to Thailand with a friend but I’m open to going on my own, think it would do the world of good to meet new people and experience some independence and have my own adventure so we will see towards the end of the year what the situation is and makes plans from there.

    She doesn’t have much of career just a regular retail job, I will say though she does work when she can and is not shy on that front, i know she was envious of my mum though as she is a kept house wife who doesn’t need to work and runs the home, it was just a personal insecurity as I was in a dead end job with no ambition to do better when we first met and since then I have changed attitude and now I have a well paid job that I enjoy.

    I did consider all the points you made about the family side of things, it would have been a massive challenge to make that work but I was prepared to do that if we could have been happy together, now I’m in the mindset of all the opportunities I will have without having to commit to that which is why once I get over this I will be grateful it happened.

    Good luck with the wedding planning and hope it comes to a conclusion sooner rather later! Cotswolds sounds great, will always remind me of This Country!

    #377398
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Danny and @Jay2023

    Lol I wasn’t insinuating it was that type of exchange! Jay comes across as too caring and giving to give something to a woman as an expectation for something in return! Whereas you Danny have a track record…I’m joking you’ve grown so much and I’m very proud!

     

    Sorry ” Eighteen years, eighteen years
    She got one of your kids, got you for eighteen years….now I ain’t saying she’s a golddigger ” catchy tune! Lol not going to judge her like Danny rightly said it’s not about her it’s about you JAY!

    She definitely breadcrumbed and probably still wanted you as an option if it went south with another guy!

     

    Jay you sound like a different person already from the beginning of Easter weekend when you found out. You sound determined and positive. I know this doesn’t stay linear but you can look back at the thread and see the good days are coming.

     

    It’s great you’re not getting too caught up in the past. Focusing on the present and future with your holiday plans and goals. Really huge steps so be proud. How are you today?

     

    Danny , women plan their fairytale wedding from the day they’re born lol so try and enjoy the moments of being engaged too and the events to follow! Hopefully you have your whole life to be a married couple. So enjoy these magical days!

     

     

    #377400
    Jay
    Participant

    Morning Sammy, hope your good! The positivity has faded a bit today, this could be the medication taking effect as you feel worse before you feel the benefits but I am soldiering through. Also it’s the weekend, the worst part of the week for me, unable to stop any manifesting thoughts of what she is up to not matter how hard I try, I just want them to disappear! Of course I know I’m still in early phases and grieving will take as long it takes and I won’t act on it, I really had the urge to look on fb earlier but resisted, it’s been a week and I don’t want to fall down, doesn’t help that I haven’t got much going on myself, I’m going to pop into my friends after work but will only be for a short while, I’m not drinking for a bit until the tablets have kicked in.

    Thanks I’m glad your noticing the changes through the posts, I myself at the moment am happy I’m making these steps and doing what I can but at this point I’m still feeling not much progress in how I feel, I know it’s all about time, I’m really keen to speak to the therapist as when I had the assessment and explained the root cause of why I was feeling like I am it helped immensely, I gave a brief breakdown from start to finish of the timeline of how it has played out and even when I was explaining this, it is making me realise how bad it is and the way I’ve been treated and how it is going to be better for me when I finally move past it. The goals are there and it’s a daily focus to hit as many as I can by the end of the year, Rome wasn’t built in a day!

    Honestly you and Danny have been fantastic taking the time to post, it’s been a real comfort, I feel like this thread is an important support bubble for me at the moment so thank you so much

    #377402
    Sammy
    Participant

    Sure @Jay2023 we’re here, may get busy with my house move but will do my best to reply.

    That’s okay if it’s faded,no emotion stays at 100 that’s the same for sadness. It will not stay forever. Life will keep you moving one way or another. On days when you feel less confident or hopeful of change just try and survive that wave.

    I’m really sorry I can’t help with how to deal with the effects of medication, I have no experience. I know @Tim1 and @Shelbyville took something for their anxiety/depression. I recall Shelby saying it takes the edge off enough to cope but you still feel all the emotions. You don’t go numb. Can you mix alcohol and these types of medications? Be careful last thing you need on top is a trip to A&E for interaction or overdose!

    A thing that my bestie taught me was when that train of thought comes, each time it enters your mind. Say WHOOSH aloud. Adding onomatopoeia stops it in its track. Sounds stupid but do it long enough with some form of action, it distracts you immediately. Then give yourself the hard truths.

    Relationships built on one individual desperately trying to craft themselves into a person they think the other would love are not good, or healthy, or sustainable. Relationships are about truth, about loving and respecting each other for who and where you are right now.

    Where are you right now? Alone so you need to love yourself.

    Whereas if you just constantly focus on what is she doing, is she thinking of me like I’m thinking of her, your thoughts will spiral. Most often or not you will not even cross her mind! So don’t destroy yourself with rumination.
    It’s the smaller steps that add to the bigger progress. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself.

    You’re doing great. Even if your weekend is empty in the sense you have no where to go. Tim once said having some form of niche hobby to look forward to at times of stress can help a lot. He enjoyed Lego.  Is there anything you enjoy doing? Any hobby that can involve some form of creative and manual work that will allow you to focus on the task at hand. Some people enjoy woodwork. Some people enjoy working on an old car. Is there a project you can embark on during your process of healing that can be the physical culmination of your work?

    Also it’s very important as you heal and grow that you surround yourself with positive, encouraging people. If you feel like some of your crowd or friends are not supportive and just expect you to carry on then that’s the last thing you need. You need good people at times like this. So be wary of the influences of your inner circle. Be wary of those who may have encouraged to stay in a toxic situation too!  When I had my break up initially I pushed away the people who were good for my soul, who were honest and wanted the best for me. Instead I sought out those who were just saying what I wanted to hear who in the end delayed my healing.

    The process of becoming a better adjusted person is developing the emotional tools and intelligence to know whats good for your soul. Once you start feeding the soul good, you will in turn feel much better!

    #377404
    Jay
    Participant

    For the first week it’s advised not to drink alcohol as it delays the effects, if I’m honest I said to myself I’m not really enjoying participating in that at the moment so I’ve decided to take a break from it until I feel want to rather than doing it for the sake of it, I’m not even going to go to the pub next week when they open the gardens! I will be OK my friends online play over the weekend so I can chill with them, that’s my safe haven for now and a place I’m comfortable at the moment, I’m going to be down whatever I do so I might as well do it in the comfort of my own home. I just don’t feel like I’ve got energy to do anything, I might force myself in the home gym we have, even if it’s for 20 minutes just to get some endorphins released.

    I’m well aware she will not be given me any thought, especially if she’s in the fresh phase of dating someone else. I was hoping because I’ve got rid of SM I’m not reminded of her image and it will help fade it out but today the thoughts seem stronger, I’ll peservere of course and when I feel better and start socialising and doing activities again it will get easier. I’ll be sure to try out that technique to see if helps!

    Most of my friends are great and understanding but as this been affecting me for a long time, I don’t like to be around them at the moment because I’m not my self and don’t like bringing the atmosphere down with my mood.

    I know this will pass and I’ll stay strong, I’ve done everything I can this week to improve my situation so just have ride out the storm.

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 16 hours ago by Jay.
    • This reply was modified 1 day, 16 hours ago by Jay.
    • This reply was modified 1 day, 16 hours ago by Jay.
    #377408
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    The brain is used to going to the established pathways. You literally need to create a new pattern. She won’t leave your mind until you decide to stop thinking of her. She’s there’s for that very reason because of dwelling.

    Hit your home gym, endorphins are powerful for lifting the mood. Are you spiritual at all? Books, podcasts and meditating may also help.

    Going out to the pub and enjoying a coke or soft drink instead can be just as rewarding it’s the being in company that’s important and not confining yourself indoors. I think everything feels bigger than it actually is, if your friends are good ones they’ll never tire or think you’re bringing down the mood. So don’t feed yourself that narrative you’re Eeyore!

     

    Do you feel you have full closure?

     

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