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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #377180
    Jay
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks Sammy, not only the next day I didn’t even enjoy it in the moment either! I just didn’t know what to do after learning of that information on Thursday and just didn’t appeal to have a bender over the weekend so have I just chilled and coming to terms with it. The social media I will leave off until I feel like I can go on there without the temptation of seeing something that will disturb me any further, I’m not that active on there so it won’t do me any harm to not have access to it for a while.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I think I have suffered from anxiety beforehand but has just been amplified since going through this on/off relationship for 18 months, last couple of days has probably been the worst its been, I’m sceptical whether a doctor would been able to help me and I really don’t want to take any medication but people close to me are adamant I should speak to someone.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I don’t even feel angry about it to be honest, I want her to be happy and at some point when I feel like I can without harming myself mentally would like to have some sort of friendship although that’s probably a long way off.</p>
    I am gonna get through it in time I know that, how long we will see, thanks for your supportive words, they have been a comfort to read

    #377192
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    Yeah drinking is overrated and I’m glad you haven’t gone down the dark road of using it as a crutch as I did. So thats willpower there.

    I’m the same with drugs but it doesn’t harm to at least talk to a GP. If you do need them in a medical professionals opinion then maybe try them. Have you ever tried therapy? Again not something I could bring myself to do but there’s loads of people who swear by it and have been helped by it.

    I think you genuinely cared and had love for her. It’s really shows because you want her to be happy even if its not with you. I’m very much like you. I want my ex to grow, I want him to learn to love in the way I did and I want him to be happy. Do you know how amazing that quality is in a person? How beautiful and rare it is to care and love unconditionally.

    It’s okay that right now you’re e putting yourself first mentally it’s another step towards self love.

    But based on the genuine feelings you exhibit like me one day when the moment is right,you may not be best of friends with your ex but you will reach a place of harmony one day if the initial connection was real between you both. So if she had care for you too pat the very least she will meet you halfway one day and appreciate the person you are.

    Letting go of hope of being together in a romantic relationship is key because having a pseudo friendship in hope of being with her will just destroy your self esteem further when it doesn’t happen. So only ever offee friendship when you no longer want her as a partner and have done the healing and working on your self.  This is what it took for me, it led me to a place where I accepted my ex as a part of me. I’ll always care about him, I loved him but I’m no longer in love with him. We will never be best friends as there was too much chemistry and history so I can imagine if the circumstances were right, we may end up doing something we both would regret but we share a mutual respect and care enough to check in on one another now and again or if there’s an emergency and when with mutual friends share conversation.

     

    The most important thing I’ve learned from Tim was intentions. So set your intentions right you’ll find happiness.

    Stay away from social media if you can’t handle it. No point adding to your existing pain. And anytime heartbreak is a very hard place to be so I completely understand.

    #377266
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 Hope you had a great Easter! Things with ‘B’ are great, I struggle a little with the whole cultural and large extended family thing, it’s not what I’m used to.

    There’s two sides to it, but in planning our wedding I didn’t realise how many voices there would be to keep happy. When I get flustered I just remind myself who I am going to spend my life waking up next to and when it’s me and her alone I feel incredible.

    We’re still trying to find our forever home. One things for certain it will not be in London!

    I must say Sammy, I think you don’t quite realise how strong and amazing you are. The growth you’ve undertook is far more than most could do in a lifetime also you exude amazing qualities. You’re giving, you’re truthful you are very empathetic and possess an intuitiveness that can help others. You do go the extra mile for people and that shows in your responses to @Jay2023 where you’ve taken time out to make sure he is ok.

     

    I’m really impressed with the way you have dealt with your ex and I do hope that your new boyfriend treats you the way you deserve. I’m glad you worked on achieving happiness in yourself first! Well done mate !! So what’s he like?


    @Jay2023

    Bro! I’m sorry but not surprised to read she’s moved on. Did you manage to salvage any of your Easter?

    Social media can be your best friend or your enemy. Some utilise it to spur them to achieve the happiness they desire. Others can become engrossed in what they don’t gave. So based on how it makes you react, I’d decide if a hiatus will help or hinder.

    How are you feeling? I think like I said in my first post to you, asking for help as a male is a step in the right direction. Especially with toxic masculinity so rife. If that means involving your doctor then do it for yourself, forget the ego, the notion of it makes you weak. If you aim to seek the help you need there’s no doubt you’ll move on from this heartbreak.

    I agree with Sammy, there’s a certain peace you achieve being civil or mature with an ex. It was part of my healing process too. We are not friends either not because I worry about the circumstances leading to sex, oh no, my first ex betrayed me enough to never want to go there but because we genuinely grew apart and other than my best friend she cheated on with we have nothing in common. God forbid if ‘B’ and I split I know it would be impossible to be friends at first and I do agree if there is a certain amount of chemistry then being best friends will be impossible. But the type of person ‘B’ is and how she changed my life, I’d hate to lose her forever so I’d work damn hard to get to that space at least.

     

    If you really feel your ex was a great influence, you grew and change for the better because of her support etc then aim for being a part of each other’s life one day but accept what you wanted is never going to happen. Then if you ever to reconnect it will be with the right intentions. You care but want nothing more. Not a ruse to win her back.

    #377267
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi All, was actually in the process of giving you an update, the last 4 days have been nothing short of hell, the anxiety has been the worst I’ve experienced and not slept well at all. Saying that I dragged myself up to go to work today as I don’t want to fall into a deep hole of depression.

    I’ve decided the social media withdrawl is going to be permanent for the time being, just seeing that picture felt like a set back from the healing and I’m not strong enough to see any of it so I would just not be exposed to it. I’ve been in touch with the doctors and going ahead with speaking to someone and trying some medication, I just feel I need some help because how I’ve felt has been unbearable and my family and close friend think I need to so we will see how that goes.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I felt like I was getting on top of the situation but that’s clearly not the case, I really don’t want this to be something that affects my happiness for too long and don’t want it to consume me, with the whole thing being amicable and friends thought, thats a long way off and not something I even want to comprehend at the moment, I really need to steer myself on a better path, I’ll get there guys, I still believe.</p>

    #377269
    Danny
    Participant

    Ah @Jay2023 mate you seem to be in the thick of it. Seriously though well done for speaking to your doctor. I hope this step helps take edge off your anxiety, so you can get better clarity.

    Maybe I missed it amongst the posts but what did you see on social media? Was it her new partner? If it was,  whatever you do don’t let your mind drive you into comparison. Dont let yourself be convinced you’re not enough. You are more than enough. Keep repeating that.

     

    One week bro, hold on then with more restrictions lifted you can get a haircut to uplift you, hang out etc start planning your escape. Where do you want to go on holiday mate?

    You hold on to that belief even when it’s slipping that you will be happy. You will when the times right find better and be better. Don’t let go of that! But let go of all the other crap pulling you backwards.

    #377271
    Jay
    Participant

    Yeah it was a picture Danny, looked very cosy, I don’t know the ins and outs and really don’t want to, I’m not gonna lie I was keeping tabs now and again but after how that affected me I don’t want any exposure at all.

    I never thought it would come to going to a doctor for help and believe me I’m not ashamed in the slightest if it will help, I’m a little disappointed because I’ve had several opportunities previous to leave everything and probably avoid it but who knows I may uncover more issues that will help me going forward. I really just want to be over the obsessive thinking of someone who doesn’t feel the same, it’s a waste of energy.

    I’ve always wanted to go to Asia, Thailand or somewhere like that so end of the year if I can I will be arranging that. I do keep telling myself everything will work out for the better even if its hard to see at the moment, I’ve got some nice new clothes to wear and I’m looking pretty trim so yeah when I can in the right frame of mind to enjoy socialising my time will come lol and hopefully have a great summer!

    Thank you though once again mate, you and Sammy really are fantastic people with hearts of gold to interact regularly and show concern to someone who is clearly having a hard time, it really does mean a lot!

    #377274
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    Oh no 🙁 I feel partly responsible, I thought it was a friend who informed you but instead it turns out a picture on SM has been your undoing. I’m so sorry, I feel I encouraged you to not actively avoid her or actively seek her on social media but it turns out it’s hurt you and maybe a blanket ban or complete NC with her would have been more suitable. The only other thing I can say is even though it deeply sucks right now, I don’t think it can get any worse. She’s moved on, how that transpires is not your concern. However it has cemented at least you and her were not meant to be. In the long run finding this out now will help.

     

    I’m so happy to read you contacted your GP. Jay just stop and look…you are doing things actively to move on. If you were still caught up in the fantasy of it all you’d be stationary. You’re moving it may be snails pace but you are moving. This will lead you to your rightful destination. I think you should dream about Asia and who knows you may find a wonderful Asian and even better adventure. Only you can limit yourself.

    I don’t know about Danny but this thread helped me when I was very low and it would be selfish to leave when I’m in a good place. I want to offer hope, I’ll help as much as I can.

     

    You know Jay there are wonderful women out there with hearts of golds, who would dote on you and really support you. Maybe as you mentioned the obsessive thinking and attraction for whats not good for you is a deeper issue it might be worthwhile exploring.

     

    Also you mentioned to Danny you’re looking pretty trim,  is that from a lack of eating though? Heartbreak does two things…comfort eating and piling on the pounds or losing ton of weight! However I’m happy to read you’re treating yourself to some retail therapy! You doing so much better than you give yourself credit. Be kinder to yourself!

    #377275
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Danny

    Thanks for all the love! My new bf is very generous which is hard to accept at times it’s what I wanted with my ex but I didn’t think it was actually possible. He is very funny, driven, but most of all he’s expressive. He doesn’t shy away from being who is and owning it, he can deal with my multitude of emotions and not make me feel like I have to be someone else either. He is also annoying always pranking, thinks he’s the next Michael Buble! I think I like him lol

    With ‘B’ don’t let the external I.e. in extended family or cultural differences between you escalate into something it doesn’t need to be. Look internally you and her as a unit are wonderful for each other, just work on that and the rest will fall into place. You can’t have everything so learning to compromise is key! When’s the big day? Have you chosen which neck of woods you’ll settle?

    #377276
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi Sammy, please don’t apologise, I’ve was looking before you even said anything and even before the hook up in January, I’m limited to what I can see but intelligent enough to work stuff out, anyway I’ve well and truly burned my fingers doing it because of how’s if made me feel but I would rather know because curiosity would eat away at me, I know it hinders the whole healing process when your seeing up to date pictures and even the name in text which is why I haven’t been getting any better but I feel I’ve learnt my lesson now.

    I did feel anxious about contacting my gp but after the weekend I felt I really didn’t have a choice in the matter so we will see how that goes, I do feel a bit of weight off my shoulders for doing it because it is positive and my mum and sister are really pleased as they think it will help me find light at the end of the tunnel. All I want to do now is drop this attachment and move on, the last 18 months if I’m honest has been very detrimental to my well being but also taught me a lot.

    I really do hope at some point I can find someone who can return the love and support I can provide and experience a whole different relationship, your words give me the belief I will find it.

    The trim look is a combination of both I guess lol, I am eating everyday although not as much as I used to but the job I do now I’m averaging 12k steps in walking so that is helping me and thank you I know I’m doing well considering the circumstances, I just want to keep building and eventually get the place where I want to be.

    #377314
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    What’s the famous saying “curiosity killed the cat” there’s no winning is there? It’s done now so no need to fret over an action you can’t retrieve.

    It might help to write out what you’ve learned about yourself and the good you’ll implement….what is it that you think is the take away? It can help strengthen our resolve to keep it moving forward.

    That’s impressive to fit in 12k walks. It will keep you both body and mind healthy. I found during the initial stages running was healing. I would say these chants “im enough, I’m deserve better” and with every pounding of the pavement hear it almost vibrate through my body. It really helped. Its almost a process of rewiring your brain to create better responses and with consistency works.

    How are you feeling today? Do you have any plans for the upcoming weeks 5 more days until one step closer to normal!!

    #377315
    Sammy
    Participant

    And @Jay2023 just to add I don’t doubt once you’ve worked on your self esteem you’ll make better choices. Sometimes we think we know what’s good for us until we experience these types of heartbreaks and then realise what we actually need to feel fulfilled. Then comes the realisation that what we needed was in plain sight all along but it was the bad choices that led us in the wrong direction. You’ll realise it for yourself one day . So hold that hope she’s out there because believe me she is. When you find each other the timing everything will fall in place and you’ll forget all the hurt that got you to that moment.

    #377316
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi Sammy, hope your all good. Feel a lot better today thank you, started the tablets yesterday evening and have an appointment to speak to someone tomorrow, I’m going to ask for help on dealing with techniques to deflect the obsessive thoughts, think a placebo effect has kicked in from doing something because the anxiety has lightened and I’ve managed to stay strong on leaving the SM alone, I’ve had urges but I’m determined to avoid it at the moment, I really think that is making a difference.

    I’ve not got any plans this weekend I’m going to chill whilst the tablets kick in and then go from there, I’m just taking each day as it comes, the weekend was a real low point for me and I feel now the only way is up, I’ve got my friends online I can chill with and maybe go out for a drive we’ll see.

    I know my time will come once I’ve got over this healing stage, good things come to those who wait!

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Jay.
    #377321
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. I’m not very informed on medication but does it work overnight? If not, does that mean the placebo effect proves its in our mindset? You think the medication is doing it but really it was you. Does that make sense? That’s a great sign though if it is placebo effect because you’re healing with guidance on tour thoughts can be sped up without having to actively rely on medication.

     

    Are you seeing a therapist? I was wondering if you have OCD in any other aspects of your life that may be leading to relationship ocd?

     

    Don’t beat yourself up if you do slip up in your SM ban , it’s so addictive to gocompletrly cold turkey takes determination and will power of its own.

     

    I’m actually really impressed and proud of you for all these active measures you are taking. It might not seem like it but you’re doing great Jay!

    #377322
    Jay
    Participant

    I definitely suffer from mild OCD, have never been diagnosed because its never been a problem but it has manifested in dealing with this on/off relationship into something unhealthy, something I will mention when I speak to the Councillor tomorrow as ideally I wouldn’t want this to reciprocate in any future relationships.

    The SM obsession has been a big issue for me, it became an addiction even when we was seeing each other due to my insecurity of what was going on between us and it has just snowballed, it’s been 5 days now and that has been the longest period for 18 months I wouldn’t of checked, I’ve identified how important it is maitain avoiding it because it will keep stirring the image fresh in my mind.

    The medication will probably take a couple of weeks to have a positive effect so I think today its just the positivity of taking an action to improve the situation, I spent so long going around in circles in my mind and not getting anywhere and it has been torrid time, I feel a sense of relief that things will should start to improve.

    Thank you for those kind, encouraging words, roll on getting to the light at the end of the tunnel!</p>

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Jay.
    #377327
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 What do you suffer from mild ocd in? Is it in checking stuff, cleaning,  hoarding,  ruminating?

     

    It would be interesting to see if the professional therapist can find a connect. Also you mentioned that you were spying? Can I say that??? On her during your relationship on social media, again this is a massive red flag. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy it means something within that relationship was lacking. First being trust, second being security in yourself and your relationship. A healthy relationship if something feels off the first thing you do is talk to your partner. A healthy partner will be receptive and reassure you. If you still need reassurance after a healthy discussion then that’s a problem within yourself. But if your partner is stonewalling or not concerned it highlights a huge flaw within the relationship.

     

    My ex and I could never have mature constructive conversations, he often swept things under the rug. This escalated into bigger issues within me and in our relationship. Thats why the biggest thing I appreciate in my current partner is his sensitivity,  expressiveness and the ability to just talk it out.

     

    I’m glad your own mind is starting to think more positive. The light is there. Just need to keep searching for that glimmer and before you know it you’ll be flooded with happiness.

     

    Excuse my spelling or errors just multi tasking!

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Sammy.
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