Dear Dpk

You shared that you are 31. If I understand correctly, you have a post graduate college degree. You had two relationships during college and in both the women ended the relationships. The second relationship caused you and your family some humiliation.

For five years after the second relationship, you drank and partied, and you experienced an “inferiority complex”, and insecurities about your looks, having greying hair and beard. You also had crushed on many girls, one was a friend of a mutual male friend who was engaged to another man. Even though you knew she was engaged, you expressed your feelings to her, your expression helped by booze.  The crush lasted for a couple of months, after which you couldn’t stand her because she was bossy and dominating.

After six  months of having no contact with this crush, you happened to meet her younger sister through the same male mutual friend. Later on, during a vacation to Goa (the smallest by area state in India, also the richest, located on the southwestern coast of the country, its coastal areas being a tourist destination for local and foreign visitors, enjoying water sports and Goa’s night life), you got closer to the younger sister. After the vacation you started dating her in October 2018.

Her older sister, upon learning of you dating her younger sister, created “a huge ruckus”. Her huge ruckus stressed you out a lot, as well as guilt feelings regarding it being unethical to date the younger sister of a woman you had a crush on earlier. In March or April 2019, you “started going on and off.. asked for breaks, break ups”, were never sure about her, but could not stay away from her either.

Recently, you broke up with her for good, and you are confused, feeling weird, scared: each time you break up with her, you “see all the good things.. value her and miss her”. But when you reconnect with her, you “get stress and bad feelings.. feeling less” for her. You asked: “How do I control this dilemma of thoughts?”

You brought up several issues: (1) what you called an inferiority complex and based on your looks (having grey hair), and on the fact that two girlfriends broke up with you during college, the last causing humiliation to you and your family, (2) insecurity regarding your age and marriage (“I am 31 already and I don’t have clarity about marriage”), (3) the ethical issues of having expressed a crush to an engaged woman and then dating her younger sister, (4) impulsive behavior (ex., expressing a crush) while under the influence of alcohol.

Before I can answer your question, will you elaborate on any or all of these four issues? If you do, please take your time and be as clear as possible.

anita