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Horrible dilema in relationship and marriage

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
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  • #377584
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I have been in couple of relationship during my college. Under grad and post grad. Both of them have dumped me for some reason. I faced some humiliation along with my family with my second relationship. For the next 5 years , I have only been drinking partying enjoying . But I was having inferiority complex, insecurities about my looks and greying hair and beard. I used to easily get crush on many girls. Once I got a crush on a mutual friend’s friend. She was engaged but I still had the crush and expressed it. Cuz I was so weak and I easily got crush. I expressed my feelings(I used to booze a lot so that triggered my expressions even more) and used to tell her to just listen to my feelings etc etc. But soon in a couple of months, I realised it was nothing. And infact I couldn’t stand her, I felt her presence annoying cuz she was kind of bossy and dominating. I couldn’t stand her or the mutual friends thru whom I got to know her. Like I said, in couple of months I realised it was nothing that I had. Stopped all contact. 6 months down the line, I happened to meet the mutual friend, as he came to my home (a shared apartment where 3 of us guys used to live). He stayed here and eventually he made is meet this girl again. For a friendly get together. And this time with her younger sister. Initially i hesitated to meet, but as it was for a booze party, I went to meet. We all met. I met her younger sister. And from there, somehow we started planning for a vacation to goa , and thought I didn’t want to go, I ended up going. And In, goa, I got really close with the younger sister. After the vacation we started dating. The elder one, whom I initially had crush on, got to know all these and created a huge ruckus. Initially I had all the feelings on the younger sister. But as days passed, as I was seeing all these ruckus the elder one is creating, the stress somewhere started piling up. Also the thought that it is not so ethical to date a friend’s sister , that too after having crush elder sister , the friend, first. And the thought that all my friends also would habe similar impression one that made a mistake, all these started haunting. We started dating in 2018 Oct. And in 2019 March or April, I started going on and off. I asked for breaks, break ups. I never could get sure into her, nor could I go away from her. It is that way till until recently I broke up with her for good. But it feels weird and so scary that I am doing this. I am not able to understand my thoughts. When i breakup with her, I see all the good things, I imagine and visualise good things, I value her and miss her. But when I start talking to her back, o get the stress and bad feelings about the bad part associated with, I get feeling less etc. This cycle has been going on. And I am so scared now cuz I am 31 already and I don’t have clarity about marriage. How do I control this dilemma of thoughts ?

    #377593
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dpk

    You shared that you are 31. If I understand correctly, you have a post graduate college degree. You had two relationships during college and in both the women ended the relationships. The second relationship caused you and your family some humiliation.

    For five years after the second relationship, you drank and partied, and you experienced an “inferiority complex”, and insecurities about your looks, having greying hair and beard. You also had crushed on many girls, one was a friend of a mutual male friend who was engaged to another man. Even though you knew she was engaged, you expressed your feelings to her, your expression helped by booze.  The crush lasted for a couple of months, after which you couldn’t stand her because she was bossy and dominating.

    After six  months of having no contact with this crush, you happened to meet her younger sister through the same male mutual friend. Later on, during a vacation to Goa (the smallest by area state in India, also the richest, located on the southwestern coast of the country, its coastal areas being a tourist destination for local and foreign visitors, enjoying water sports and Goa’s night life), you got closer to the younger sister. After the vacation you started dating her in October 2018.

    Her older sister, upon learning of you dating her younger sister, created “a huge ruckus”. Her huge ruckus stressed you out a lot, as well as guilt feelings regarding it being unethical to date the younger sister of a woman you had a crush on earlier. In March or April 2019, you “started going on and off.. asked for breaks, break ups”, were never sure about her, but could not stay away from her either.

    Recently, you broke up with her for good, and you are confused, feeling weird, scared: each time you break up with her, you “see all the good things.. value her and miss her”. But when you reconnect with her, you “get stress and bad feelings.. feeling less” for her. You asked: “How do I control this dilemma of thoughts?”

    You brought up several issues: (1) what you called an inferiority complex and based on your looks (having grey hair), and on the fact that two girlfriends broke up with you during college, the last causing humiliation to you and your family, (2) insecurity regarding your age and marriage (“I am 31 already and I don’t have clarity about marriage”), (3) the ethical issues of having expressed a crush to an engaged woman and then dating her younger sister, (4) impulsive behavior (ex., expressing a crush) while under the influence of alcohol.

    Before I can answer your question, will you elaborate on any or all of these four issues? If you do, please take your time and be as clear as possible.

    anita

    #377693
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kpd:

    I re-read your original post and I think that you carry a lot of pain in you, particularly feelings of shame and guilt. Having experienced lots of shame and guilt myself, for many years, I  know how painful and exhausting it is to live with these tormenting emotions, day after day, night after night, year after year. It is depressing, like always having heavy, grey clouds above, hardly ever seeing the blue sky, or enjoying the sun.

    You shared that you were dumped by two girlfriends, humiliated by the second, and disturbed by the ruckus created by the older sister of the most recent girlfriend. It seems to me that you are embarrassed for having had crushes easily, and for how you expressed your feelings to the girls you had crushes on, usually under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol helps numb shame and guilt, and fear- unfortunately, not for long.

    I think that the reason you were so haunted by the ruckus the older sister created was that you were already haunted and tormented by shame and guilt, and her ruckus added to your torment. The torment became too much to endure, so you broke up with your recent girlfriend again and again, in efforts to get rid of your torment: “seeing all these ruckus the elder is creating, the stress somewhere started piling up… all these started haunting… I asked for breaks, for break ups”.

    “I am not able to understand my thoughts… when I start talking to her back, I get the stress and bad feelings”- these bad feelings, shame and guilt, sadness, and disappointment and fear, will continue to hover over you like heavy grey clouds until you disperse those heavy clouds and uncover the big blue sky. I did it. I can see the blue sky, not perfectly, but I can see it more regularly than during a rare moment here and there.

    If what I wrote here means something to you, please let me know.

    anita

     

    #377716
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Kpd,

    I started going on and off. I asked for breaks, break ups. I never could get sure into her, nor could I go away from her.

    When i breakup with her, I see all the good things, I imagine and visualise good things, I value her and miss her. But when I start talking to her back, o get the stress and bad feelings about the bad part associated with, I get feeling less etc.

    So when you’re close, something bothers you and you want to get away, and when you’re away, you miss her and want to get close again.

    Can you explain a little about what bothers you when you’re close? What is the bad part, that causes you stress and bad feelings?

     

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