Yeah, I might have to start doing that (writing my thoughts down) because today, my head was messing with my work, and that risk I cannot take.

I tend to drink more either when I am alone or when I trust my company. I generally don’t trust my company and so I don’t go overboard. I will be drunk and look sober to people. The time I mentioned during college when I used to be drunk regularly in the evenings. Nobody ever knew I was. when there were more than 500 people in my hostel and most people knew me.

About my insecurity with people- I might seem haughty now….read on

Since I started school late so I was always studying with my juniors and also everyone at home (relatives and my parents) tell me I am a middle-aged kid. I think I know the reason….it suddenly hit me

When I was a kid, my sister in her overprotective nature often told everyone to not play with me in case anybody pushed me so I used to stay alone. If in case I was already playing, she will keep me in her team and then get me out so that I can sit on the sides. So, I spent most of my childhood alone, crying to my mother who then used to give me puzzles to solve. Because of that, I love solving things, anything untangled which people want to cut with scissors, I can open with my fingers and hahah maybe because of that people tell me I don’t leave an issue till it is solved while my family members like to brush them aside and take care of them only if they are bothering them but I can’t take a lot of negativity or stress. I sort it out asap so that I can be cool about things later.

During parties, I would sit in one corner and observe people and it used to be my personal game to predict what they would do next.

Obviously, all these things make you weird in other kid’s eyes and so I used to be an outcast even in school. My body developed later than others. I studied in a girls-only Convent and girls were cruel then, I see the same people now and feel life changed them so much. Anyways, so I stayed alone till 6th grade. Then slowly I started making friends, people like me. Hahaha, it feels weird to say this but we became the cool gang by the time we graduated high school. The nerds were the cool ones, hahaha.

Then for my senior secondary, I moved to a co-ed school and again I was the outcast. I have always been seen as a good student so wherever I go, the teachers like me so obviously the kids don’t.

I received a lot of attention from the other gender when I always felt I wasn’t that good looking- my mum used to tell me that, since she is very pretty-fair and with excellent features-men of my age also compliment her all the time. So she used to tell me that since you are not that pretty so study well so that you can excel in your career. The complications of my life started here. The guilt of liking people when everyone keeps telling you that this isn’t the age to like people. Anyways I have sorted those emotions long back now. I had difficulty befriending girls here as there was already demarcation made- girls who love make-up, girls who are into sports, girls who dance, girls who are more homely, girls who in a relationship, girls who only study, there I was madly in love with Robert Downey Jr., studying too, cooking too, dancing too, and also liked by the teachers. I had no group. I was the first bencher not by choice but because I had no other place to sit. Everyone else had a partner.

College, I was involved with the social work society of our college and various NGOs. I had no time to sit with my classmates, I studied my subject (philosophy+Psychology) on my own and so no friends again.

Whatever few friends I made, were not close to me because I didn’t like to go out that much. Not with everyone, there are very few people I feel comfortable with. It is less about judgement and more about that I don’t trust people that much. They love to gossip and I have a story they might like to tell everyone about.

I generally don’t believe in meeting someone for a date and then understanding if there is a spark. For me, the spark is from the moment you meet or it isn’t. So the long-distance relationships were not something I planned.  And the plan was to move in the same city as him (I was getting many colleges there) but my sister kept telling my parents that if I move to that city, it would be because of him so I should be stopped. I was also scared that if I move into the same city as him and he breaks my heart, the city might haunt me for life.

A few years later, I have understood few things. There are things way more important than all material in this world, it is people. And I have a lot of old friends in that city, we are not in touch but If I meet them, well, we can recreate a bond. Anyways, it didn’t happen. I had to move to another city and unfortunately, even my college placement was in a company that compelled me to stay in this city.

I am trying to write again. I am actually stuck in the middle of a novel for a long time. I don’t know how to write further from there. Will try reading advice from other writers.