Dear sossi:

You asked and stated the following: “Do I have autism, do I have a thyroid problem, am I an alcoholic, am I depressed… a lot of my life has been just so hard for me.. maybe there is a medical reason, autism? .. there are always problems, hardships, mostly jealous people and very few moments where I enjoy myself”-

– I am not a health-care professional, therefore I will not try to answer your questions regarding medical diagnoses. I hope that you do see health-care professionals in regard to a few of your questions.

Following re-reading what you shared, it seems to me that you suffer a lot from being jealous of other people while believing that they are jealous of you. I think that as a child, your parents, particularly your mother, favored your sister over you, and you were hurt and jealous of your sister. Yet you now believe that your sister has been jealous of you: “from an early age I learned that if I gained something, others were jealous.. My sister has always been jealous of what I had, she has never come out and said anything about it, but I know if I made more money and had more success, she would not be happy. She in fact is more successful than me”-

– you think that if you were more successful than your sister, she would have been jealous of you, but as things are, she is more successful than you, and you are jealous of her.

Continued, regarding your sister: “I think she always felt our parents loved me more. But she never talks about her feelings, there are only clues on few occasions”- she never said that your parents loved you more. What happened, seems to me, is that you are the one who believed that your parents loved her more than they loved you.

“a few years ago, I achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation… my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions. I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction. I felt completely deflated”-

– this does not sound like the behavior of a mother who loves and favors you over your sister.

“My sister and I are really opposites. I think she needs a lot of attention and I don’t”- I think that you are the one who needs attention, starting with desperately needing your mother’s attention, as a child.

“when I was a teenager my closest friend was very jealous.. I loved horses and she got her parents to buy her one”- you wanted a horse and she got a horse. You were jealous of her for getting a horse.

About the same friend: “I think I recall her taking a photo of me for an art project where she did my makeup.. I looked at it and the eyes had been scratched out.. I don’t know who did it, but guessed it was her”- you guessed she was so jealous of you that she scratched out your eyes in the photo.

“My work was not as high powered as hers and she enjoyed telling me all of her successes. If I had something good happen, she was silent”- you imagined, or guessed,  that she was silent because she was jealous of you, but seems to me that you were jealous of her because, like you stated, she did a higher powered work than you did.

“When competitive people meet me, they seem to stomp all over me, jealous?”- you are competitive and when you meet other people that are more successful than you, you get very jealous.

When a fellow real estate agent got to sell your former boyfriend properties and moved in with him, you were very jealous: “The anger I feel is something otherworldly… intense rage… I could have walked over to her office and thrown a brick through the window, I picture dragging her by her hair.. I felt so violent toward her”- this is jealousy, very strong jealousy, ever since you were a child.

You wrote to me: “It sounds like you are looking for instances from childhood that could describe the feelings I have, but I don’t find them. I NEVER hatred anyone when I was  younger. I don’t remember any strong emotions then. My parents were seemingly very caring and met my needs if not my sister’s, so I don’t remember anything like getting angry… I was happy with what I got and didn’t need more… I think my sister is still angry at this”-

– I don’t know if your sister is angry, maybe she is. I don’t know if she believes that your parents loved you more, I don’t know anything about her. But I do know some things about you because I read your words. You wrote that you don’t remember feeling any strong emotions as a child, but all children naturally feel strong emotions, so you must have felt strong emotions as well. You wrote that don’t remember getting angry, but you surely did get angry, all children do.

Looking at what you shared in your thread, at 44, it seems clear to me that your childhood intense experience of hurt, anger and jealously carried with you since then to this very day.

anita