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I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups

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  • #377906
    sossi
    Participant

    It´s been a long time since ive been on this forum but it helped me last time and i hope it can save me now.

    Im in a lot of emotional pain and its a wound from a long time ago..from a relationship i had with my last boyfriend. I feel stupid to even write these things as i know its common and people say you will get over things but im 44.. im shaking as i write this from the hurt i feel. Im struggling to understand how i got here in life.

    I dated him for about 7 years, it was tempestuous and energetic but also erratic and chaotic. But he was a rock in a foreign land quite literally..i didnt speak the language well and he was fluent and knew his way around, he helped me a lot but also used me. He was 10 years older, difficult, demanding. When we met people they looked a little amused as i guess i looked a lot younger then and i always hated that i constantly felt wrongfooted. I wasn’t innocent but im not a hard person and often when competitive people meet me they seem to stomp all over me, jealous? i dont get why they do. I was crazy about him and had suffered a year or two prior of being so lonely, depressed and with some bad experiences. I felt i needed him to survive and i was very attracted to him.

    But to cut the story short..he left me for another woman, a woman closer to his age, then i got back with him again and then he left me again. You get the picture and i should have.

    The first time he left i was completely distraught, suicidal and suffered immensely (which was when i had the help of tiny buddha, without which i would have probably killed myself because i was suffering so badly).

    i went and confronted the woman who had moved into his house with her young son. I was so upset i wanted her to know who i was and hear my side of the story from what he may have said. We talked fairly reasonably but she was floating and in love, she said i was so pretty, then she said he had been on drugs the whole time he was with me and that everything was better now..she was ´healing´ him (she was a spiritual healer). i told her he was a narcissist and would never change but we parted on good terms and she gave me her number. He was furious with me for going there. Despite all this, i still couldn’t stop missing him and wanted him back..and after a short time later he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend as she ´missed her old home´.

    THIS TIME i accepted defeat as he broke up with me again very plain and simple, and walked away. The reason he said being..i never went out with him to see his friends..i worked too much. Its true that we were sexually compatible but that was about it, his friends spoke another language and i don´t think they thought i was interesting, it was a dynamic crowd. I think i knew he had someone else. I felt pain and sadness but not the same as before. I just tried to move on, tried to accept we were a bad match, tried not to think of myself as the loser, concentrated on work which was problematic in itself.

    But i couldn’t shake dreaming of him. I tried online dating but couldn’t even approach anyone, i looked at the faces and thought “are you going to hurt me?” the furthest i have gotten in i guess 2 years is “hello”. Im scared of the pain and i doubt myself..i feel im attracted to the guys who might hurt me. I mean, i REALLY TRIED to get my head around it, to shake it off and move on but i just feel nothing. I don´t feel flirty and i don’t feel attracted to anyone. Im just numb. This has been im sure, 2 years running.

    There was a new work colleague who showed an interest in me, totally different personality, he was younger than me, new to the country so a bit vunerable, gentle and friendly (but sadly not very interesting to me) i knew he liked me but i couldn’t feel anything towards him. He touched my shoulder and i recoiled, he hugged me and i guarded myself. I consider him a friend but i was trying so hard to see him as more because where i live there are so few opportunities to meet someone. He was looking for work and in a tough situation so i guess i also felt we were not starting on an even level but i just didn’t feel much attraction. He found a girlfriend now and i don’t think ill hear much more from him. During the pandemic we had little contact even though he wanted to meet up i said no. He got angry with me and said i was heading towards depression, that i needed to meet more people but it irritated me. I felt he was being demanding and we just didnt seem to be on the same wavelength.

    No, unfortunately, it seems the only thing that would do was my ex. I have contacted him about 3 times over the past year and even met him once..he was cool about it and had to leave quickly. he told me he had a girlfriend and i said that i expected that, so i asked if he was happy and he said he was trying to make it work but it didn’t sound convincing. He kept a careful distance from me and as we hugged goodbye he said he was sorry for something i didn’t understand so i just said it was ok, earlier he had said that his gf probably wouldn´t like it if we were friends and that she was very jealous. I said if that was the case that he should do something to put her mind at ease, like marry her. He told me i was very kind, that i was “problematic” but had a heart of gold. I felt i could handle the meeting..i told him boldy that i wanted a husband and i wanted to live with someone..ive been alone for more than 12 years really, even though we lived together for some of that time. I cried so much after that, the meeting was so bittersweet, the weather perfect and everything seemed to hum softly, i didnt expect to feel such an electric reaction and i was hurt all over again.

    Ive suppressed the need to contact him so many times because now i know its no good, the last time i did i threw and broke my phone angry at myself, i just missed him so much. Where i live, there just arent many people who have some things in common, he has known me the longest, sometimes i just want to talk to him about stuff, to hear his opinion on things we were passionate about. Everything around him was energizing, he had the ability to lift me up many times, i helped in his work renovations..and art. it was in some ways a dream but there were dark sides to it.

    He called me back a few days later and i stared at the phone in disbelief, it rang again but i was afraid to speak to him. I called him back and he was lighthearted and flirtatious. by this change I figured he had left his latest girlfriend and felt guarded, but after another call he told me he was still with her. He said he was selling his (new) place and i felt that signalled his pattern of move, change, new woman, new car. Finally i asked him who she was and that is what started this whole flood of pain again. I had avoided it for so long but now he revealed, she worked in my line of work and suddenly a lot of mysteries fell into place.

    The anger i feel is something otherworldly. Here is a woman who i remember meeting at his house. We both work in real estate and she was the one who sold a house to him when i was his girlfriend. obviously they stayed in touch as i remember he told me that he had signed a special deal to work with her and i was insulted and wanted to know why, but he never told me. This was BEFORE the other woman came along even! So she was working on him from some years ago. To get his business and then get in bed with him. It all seems so sordid, i never thought that i would be living in a soap opera. I remember meeting her, looking at her eyes steadily sizing me up, smiling with certainty and speaking authoritatively, so now i know why a lot of other things happened. At the time he broke up with me last, he had already moved into an apartment in the city (totally different to the house). As i walked around his glamourous new place i looked at the details, I read the signals, he was breezy, his new place but he never said i would be there with him. i wondered why he would show me the details of his new house with things meant for another woman? did he enjoy that?

    In my business work is competitive, money for me is always tight and he had a few properties for sale. I avoided them but my colleague asked if she could list them, she had visited his house when i was there, i said ok and she went ahead and contacted him then but since then i have been haunted by it. I spoke to my ex a few times purely about the listings, to help my colleagues, he was stubborn on price…he found it amusing i think and played it cool. It seemed he didnt want to list some properties with us and i didn’t understand why, he couldn’t tell me and kept putting me off. NOW i know why, she was blocking it. She would probably explode if my agency sold the house she had put her sign on to mark her territory. Imagine how i feel, she took food out of my mouth as well as the obvious man stealing. It´s almost worse than the original crime, what did i do to her? if you can believe it,  i remember we talked about me being unhappy at work and said i should apply at her business, to work under her!! How would that have panned out? An unconscious knowing stopped me from ever applying at her agency, something about her selling him the house made me uncomfortable. She seemed to be very comfortable.

    Of course, i then couldnt stop myself looking her up online, and finally i saw some evidence today..she is more his age, has two grown boys and they look very happy and well suited to each other but to be honest its a bit like the other woman who did the same thing, posting loving photos of them together..so happy and in love. She must feel victorious in how she did it.

    But the sadness and loss i feel is just amplified by her “closing a deal”.(Could be a bestseller story im sure)

    i feel sick to my stomach that ive been driven over like that. My ex had a business partner he worked with and they had sought me out of the blue to give me a sale….i always wondered why they were being so kind and now i know. They felt bad about how he did me wrong and how she had muscled into their business deal.

    Im sorry this is so long but this morning i felt like i just wanted to stop it all. My work is hard, im trying to hold down several jobs and i feel like im spinning around in a mess with no one to help me. Im really lucky that i have parents living nearby to help but its just that my life is so miserable. At night i just work or sit online. Recently i had health problems that i feel i shouldn’t have at my age, in my back so im in constant pain. I’m tired. I just wish so much that something would go right for me but it just won’t no matter how hard i try, or how i try to be carefree..it just refuses to work for me. Someone is always enviously eyeing whatever i have and taking it away…its a repeat pattern.

    I feel he´s laughing at me. I sent him several angry texts and said i never want to see or hear from him again. just hours earlier we talked easily and he probably thinks how could be so slow to understand who it was even though it was there in my mind. As if its fair to cheat on someone and to steal hope from them. he said he had bumped into my dad and was surprised he was so nice to him. I want to cry at how humiliated i am that my parents have to be so nice and civil. I know he´s a terrible person. And i still am attracted to him? i still wish i was with him instead? i dont understand.

    i blocked him but i know it will never go away. This is now my life. And if i see her, i honestly dont think i could stop myself. She has stolen more than my relationship and i hate her for it.

    I don´t know how to get through this. Or what to do with the pain. I´ve been crying this morning and when i do i can´t go out because my eyes are swollen. I just seem to be so FULL of hurt and pain. It seems i can´t ever be enough for other people. Ive been bullied at work by more extrovert sales type personalities for my quieter and more responsible personality, i think i come across to people as an endless victim and eventually they walk away. But im also told off for acting like one. How is that, when i just go about my own work? I CANT seem to defend myself from their expectations or the pain they cause. My boyfriend was always annoyed that i didnt want to go out, he wanted drama.

    I just want to write and write about it.. I´m exhausted all the time by my emotions, or either just from worry or from anguish. Do i have autism, do i have a thyroid problem, am i an alcoholic, am i depressed? all this is constant and i don´t know what it is to just be and live. I have one good friend holding me up but i know its a problem. I guess i´ll never meet anyone who can accept me and like me as i am. When i was younger i didn’t think anything was wrong with me but im not enough.

     

     

     

     

    #377930
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    You shared that at 44, you still feel a lot of emotional pain following a 7-year relationship with your last boyfriend, a man 10 years older than you, a fellow real-estate agent. Before you met him, you “suffered a year or two prior of being so lonely, depressed and with some bad experiences”. When you met him, you felt very attracted to him, feeling that you “needed him to survive”, and “everything around him was energizing”. He was at first your rock in a foreign country, speaking the language and knowing his way around.

    He left you for the first time for another woman some time ago, and you shared about it here, under a different account, or an account that is now deleted (?): “I was completely distraught, suicidal and suffered immensely (which was when I had the help of tiny buddha, without which I would have probably killed myself..)”.

    Since he left you for the last time, two years ago,  you tried online dating, but were afraid to be hurt again. You “don’t feel flirty.. don’t feel attracted to anyone.. just numb”. A new, younger work colleague who showed interest in you touched your shoulder, and you recoiled.

    You met your ex 3 times in the last year for a short time on each occasion,  and felt “an electrical reaction and .. hurt all over again”. You’ve been upset for a while in regard to his current girlfriend, also a real-estate agent, who you believe stole your then boyfriend and real-estate business from you: “She has stolen more than my relationship and I hate her for it”. Today, you looked her up online and found out that she is closer to his age, has two grown sons, and in photos, the two of them look “very happy and well suited for each other”.

    “I still am attracted to him? I still wish I was with him instead.. I don’t understand”- I am guessing that you still see in him the solution to your problems, still imagining that he can make a big, positive difference in your life, still hoping for him to be your rock.

    You work several jobs, your back is in constant pain, you are tired, you recently sent your ex a few angry messages and blocked him, and you feel the following: “Someone is always enviously eyeing whatever I have an taking it away.. it’s a repeat pattern”-

    – if you want to, can you tell me how that pattern started, the first experience you had in your early life, when someone was envious of you and took what you had away from you?

    “It seems I can’t ever be enough for other people… I’ll never meet anyone who can accept me and like me as I am”-

    again, only if you want to, can you tell me the first time in your early life that you felt not enough for other people, feeling that no one accepted and liked you?

    anita

    #377977
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It was you who helped me last time, im very grateful that this was here to help as i didnt know where to turn.

    My ex is not a realtor himself but his current girlfriend is. He has several properties and when they met, it seems she listed them. We were still together at that time and i am also in realestate, so i was hurt and confused as to why he did that. He told me at the time that he had gotten a special deal with her, that i couldn´t list them. It´s all very sordid.

    I think from an early age i learned that, if i had gained something, others were jealous and that always made me feel bad. I really didn´t like it if someone was left out so i remember early on, saying self depreciating things. My sister has always been jealous of what i had, she has never come out and said anything about it but i know if i made more money and had more success she would not be happy. She in fact is more successful than me.

    I think she always felt our parents loved me more. But she never talks about her feelings, there are only clues on few occasions, spiteful stabs at my mom or me when there is an argument. When she had a birthday and was newly single she came over with her old best friend from highschool, i brought my ex and was in a really happy state, i felt i was shining. She was really unhappy at that time. Her friend turned to her and said “uh, nothings changed here i see”. I realised it was a stab at myself and felt bad.

    When i was a teenager my closest friend was very jealous.I loved horses and she got her parents to buy her one. A boyfriend i got was seemingly the one she wanted. She developed anorexia and one day in her bedroom she cried and said it was because of me and then couldnt explain why. but of course i felt so bad and ashamed. I think i recall her taking a photo of me for an art project where she did my makeup. I had a photo in my art book, i looked at it and the eyes had been scratched out…i don´t know who did it but guessed it was her. in our 20s i lived with her a short while to start working and met a roommate of hers, she told me that his sister in law had wanted her to get with him. My work was not as high powered as hers and she enjoyed telling me all of her successes, if i had something good happen she was silent. I eventually blocked her out of my life because i realised whenever i saw her, she made me feel bad.

    Its hard to really want someone to like you. And to not be enough for others. I was with that guy several years, he proposed but it was not a fit, his family really didnt like me that much. They all had high powered jobs. She was right.

    When i was a kid i remember looking at my sister´s friendships and being envious of that, they seemed so cool but they were older and i think that is normal. When i got with my last ex boyfriend i think i looked up to him in that way. Both of them made friends easily, they were popular. I was shy and self conscious. When i made friends, they seemed to focus a lot on my looks in the beginning.

    What is also interesting is that only a few years ago, i achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation..my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions.  I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction. I felt completely deflated.

    I will say that i am “aware” of when i am feeling successful and confident and beautiful, when it feels like it is radiating out of me…and i feel that is dangerous, because bad things happen, i attract unhappy comments, unhappy people who feel its unfair somehow.

     

     

    #377985
    sossi
    Participant

    last night was tough for me…i felt i was hanging on by a thread. I just read what i wrote back and realise some of it is hard to follow. I´m just writing for the sake of getting rid of these powerful emotions. And its so sad to read because i feel i will never have the love, attention and support that others have. I know my parents are worried about me and my friend who knows the story. I worry that i will never be happy.

    I feel he stole something from me that can´t be fixed. I realise that a lot of my life has been just so hard for me to deal with and that is when i think maybe there is a medical reason, autism?..there are always problems, hardships, mostly jealous people and very few moments where i enjoy myself.

    Friendships seem to be bonded mainly on difficulties and injustices done, not by postives like sharing a hobby or interest and i stopped trying to find new friends a long time ago because it made me sad not finding any.

    Is this my fault? How can i change? Should i move? How can i stop letting people hurt me? Why am i attracted to witty and entertaining people only to find them mocking me and making fun that turns into hurtful cruelty? Is the only solution to drop them and then be alone? That is what i am now, just alone.

    #377987
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I need to be away from the computer for a while and may not have time to attentively read your recent two posts (and anything you may add to it), and reply for a while. It may be in as long as 20 hours from now before I return to your thread. I hope other members reply to you before I return.

    anita

    #378049
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “I’m just writing for the sake of getting rid of these powerful emotions”- for as long as expressing your emotions here brings you some relief, please post again anytime!

    I understand you being upset about this man listing his real estate properties with another real-estate agent while you were his girlfriend at the time and a real-estate agent. I imagine that would upset anyone in that situation position.

    You wrote that you dated him for about seven years, and that those seven years were “tempestuous.. erratic and chaotic”. (Tempestuous means “stormy.. characterized by violent emotions or actions”, an online definition). When he left you the first time, you were “completely distraught, suicidal and suffered immensely”. Later on you got back together and that’s when this other woman, a real-estate agent, came along, listing his properties and moving in with him. You then “went and confronted the woman who had moved into his house with her young son.. so upset”. Most recently, a few hours after you and the man “talked easily”, you sent him “several angry texts and said I never want to see or hear from him again”.

    You shared that from an early age, you learned that if you gained/ accomplished something important, people got jealous and took away from you whatever it was that you gained. If you were happy, and people were able to see that you were happy, they got jealous and took away your happiness. Because of this pattern, you’d sometimes say self deprecating things so that people will not be jealous of you and take away your happiness. “When I am feeling successful and confident and beautiful, when it feels like it is radiating out of me.. that is dangerous, because bad things happen, I attract unhappy comments, unhappy people who feel it’s unfair somehow”.

    You gave a few examples of this pattern above, one example: when your sister had a birthday and you were there at the occasion with your ex, you wrote this: “I was in a really happy state, I felt I was shining”, she noticed your happiness and took it away. Another example: a few years ago, you “achieved something amazing”, your first home renovation, but your mother did not want to come see it, and when she finally did, she “seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions”.

    “I realise that a lot of my life has been just so hard.. maybe there is a medical reason, autism?.. there are always problems, hardships, mostly jealous people and very few moments where I enjoy myself. Friendships seem to be bonded mainly on difficulties and injustices done, not by positives like sharing a hobby or interest.. Is this my fault? How can I change? Should I move? How can I stop letting people hurt me? Why am I attracted to witty and entertaining people only to find them mocking me and making fun that turns into hurtful cruelty? is the only solution to drop them and then be alone? That is what I am now, just alone”.

    You asked many questions and I will be glad to take time with you, trying to answer these questions together. It will take some time of back and forth communication. I will start by the following exploration:

    Would you say that it is true or partly true that you suffer from the following: (1) a long-term pattern of unstable and chaotic relationships, alternating between seeing the man as wonderful and then, seeing him as terrible, (2) intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions, rapidly shifting between different emotional states, (3) disturbed sense of identity/ self image, from thinking of yourself as very worthy and capable to thinking of yourself as very unworthy and incapable, (4) impulsive behavior, (5) chronic feelings of emptiness?

    Another question, if I may: you wrote that your ex was “difficult, demanding”, and later, that your work colleague was “being demanding”- can you elaborate on how the two were demanding?

    anita

    #378196
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think im in a negative spiral. Probably starting with that whole pattern from childhood….being the loser so that others can win. Finding that im happier seeing someone else smile than worrying about my own loss, misfortune or wishes. I dont know how to fix that because i said, i expect disasters where they are not. This may be a learned behaviour. But i find it really hard to believe that i have ended up so messed up and alone when i see and hear about people around me who seem to be much worse…but attract someone.

    From your questions:

    (1.) This was the first relationship that was so chaotic. earlier relationships were much softer, with no extremes.

    (2.) I don´t believe i suffer from mood swings…but i know i suffer/suffered from depression. I had a nervous breakdown some years before, while i was in another relationship. It was due to a pressurized job where i felt i was overloaded.  I was crying so much one night and couldnt stop. It was a shock to the system to be unable to function. My partner was supportive but we ended up growing apart as i became depressed after and i felt a lot of failure that it didnt work out as i had no plan b. Change is not something easy for me but i left my home, my relationship, my job and the country i had lived in for some years…my parents had to support me and it was during the crisis years.

    My general mood has always been more subdued than upbeat…more calm than happy. I was shy as a child and teenager. I studied art. I notice that for some people i come across depressed. But to me depression is something way worse.

    ..my last partner, who im writing about, did seem to have moments of anger. He would seem to get mad about something and nothing and could be vicious in what he said. He seemed to get mad in the kitchen and in the car..i dont know why. When i cried he seemed to get angrier and the first time that happened i was shocked. Usually if you love someone, you don´t want to see them in pain ..he wasn´t like that…the arguments would usually escalate. He threatened to leave me on the highway, he threatened to call the police. He called me names and asked me to leave ( i was living with him).

    Over the last 3 years my work has increasingly become more and more stressful. Its a small company and a family member was brought in. This guy is now to the point where he appears to have almost total control, even over the boss, i am told she planned to eventually hand the company to him but she is not that old. Its horrible to watch and he is demeaning to those older colleagues who have worked there longer and with more experience. I understand… i should just leave…but again, im afraid to leave what i know and i feel like im always forced out, why should i go? But I feel stuck and angry about decisions they make and that makes me feel rage. So yeah, that could count as a mood changer.

    Only just today they have stolen a sale from a colleague which will affect one of my best clients…this means my reputation is affected. These take years to build trust and minutes to destroy. But he will make a lot of money and simply says its good for the company and he will look good. The boss argued against me and is completely blind. I think i HAVE to leave.

    I keep telling myself karma will do something to them but nothing happens, i am the one who is punished more and more. He appears to enjoy demeaning me, as i dont speak the language perfectly..he enjoys showing me expensive things he has bought as though id be impressed, and shows off at our meetings about things he has sold…its really obnoxious. I am told by others that he and his wife do not have a great reputation.

    (3.) To a certain extent that is true. I have mostly feelings of failure, that im struggling so much in life. Ive taught myself a lot of the skills i have but dont find i get support or guidance. But ive had moments of feeling im better than others. I feel sometimes i have to believe that i am a god like figure to get past the injustices and hardships i have had. Some of the people i work with have little experience of the world and can come across to me very arrogant, because they are comfortable in their home and their place. I always feel i can learn from others but i dont think thats the case for some people.

    (4) Im not sure i have any impulsive behaviours….im trying hard not to drink but thats about it.

    (5) yes, i generally feel that way….i used to study art, it would involve keeping journals and drawing or painting….i havent been able to pick any of that back up in years. Ive done other things like knitting, renovations, taking photographs…but i cant seem to get started on projects it takes a mindset that i feel i dont have time for anymore.

    My ex was demanding in that he expected from me, that i would also function as his assistant in his work..i did it because i loved him but he really abused it. At first when i was living with him it was like we were working towards the same goal but later i came to see i was serving a purpose for him. That he had no intentions of settling down with me and sharing.

    I think in work i was referring to another colleague who was and is incredibly difficult to work with. She is highly demanding and basically needs a secretary to abuse. Ive told the boss to get her one and stop bothering me but they wont. Both her and this other guy are basically awful to deal with. When i say abuse, i mean; putting you down in front of clients, teasing in meetings and pointing out mistakes that lead back to you, calling persistently and then saying she has to go and hanging up, complaining in front of the boss if you told her to do something, so that the boss turns round and says `from now on we´ll do it the way she wants´, on occasion she would throw things at me or say some swear word to me…etc. She has had arguments with everyone in the company and i have a very weak boss. Ive recently changed my role so im not dealing so much directly with her but she still asks for stuff.

    BUT somehow i also get on with her because she can be funny, we know each other quite well and can share a joke, she is able to be empathetic and kind…  i find it sad because i like her but she wont change…..same type of thing with the boyfriend right?

    I started really getting into star signs some years ago ironically from the woman he first cheated with (spirtual healer and tarot reader) i started reading tarot and got totally obsessed with it, just reading my sign. My colleague is Libra like my mother and they are very similar in character, we get on really well until we dont then theres a big fallout. The boyfriend is Gemini and is certainly two-faced and has the energy of 7 people, always changing where he lives and who he is with. I am a Scorpio. I cant help being attracted to these energies but they are destructive.

     

     

     

     

    #378197
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I will need to read and reply to you in the morning, in about 13 hours from now. If your previous thread or threads are still in record here (under a different account & screen name), please locate it for me so that I can read our previous communication. If you can’t locate it, or if it’s deleted- that’s okay.

    As far as being on a negative spiral, when you submitted the above 15 minutes ago, tell me more about it, will you: more about how you feel, anything that’s on your mind and heart. Expressing yourself in itself helped you before and can help you, so please do that.

    anita

    #378239
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    On the negative spiral. Well. There are 3 lines of serious issues:

    I started writing another book about my endless problems and wiped it, its too much. I have been working on this for about 3 hours. My nemesis at work, the family member is almost exactly like the character Pete in MadMen. So if you know that, you know im dealing with a snake. And he has the boss in his pocket by using emotional manipulation. She feels very responsible for her family and they benefit directly from the company doing well. I have worked there for 7 years and when he walked in 3 years ago i knew i had to find something else. But i cant find a better situation. My ideal would be to start my own company and i am trying to organise this with a friend but it all seems very uncertain and shaky. The atmosphere at this company is toxic.

    The toxicity has most certainly led to my health problems. I took time off feeling exasperated with my unmoving boss (who used to be really open to ideas before he came) and was suffering anxiety and started feeling depression. Then all of a sudden my back gave out and i couldnt walk. I was almost happy, in fact i was but my back is a chronic pain problem..im not that old.

    Throughout all this, at the back of my mind all day every day is my ex. Like a warm little light, i warm my hands on the memory of how i felt with him near me. When i feel bad, or good, when i win….i miss telling him and him being there. Of course i have tried to find someone new and just lose interest. Everywhere i go im reminded of him as though it was yesterday but i believe he broke up with me in 2019, sometime in spring maybe…ive forgotten when.

    You asked about impulsive behaviour before and i forgot about one, the first time he cheated on me…which must be from 2017, i started watching tarot readings online obsessively..this was because his new girlfriend was a tarot reader and i wanted to know what it was about. I already kind of believed in starsigns but since that time i really watch a lot of these. It helps with the pain of not knowing and yet of course, it also makes you hopeful.

     

     

    #378255
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi;

    Sorry, I am back much later to your thread than I stated yesterday.

    Clearly, you are intensely emotionally attached to the man we are discussing. You wrote in regard to him, in your original post: “Everything around him was energizing, he had the ability to lift me up many times”-

    – I think that you are hooked on that energizing, up (elation) feeling that you sometimes experienced with him. During those times, certain chemical in your brain were produced, released, sent through your blood to your glands, your glands produced powerful hormones, and all in all, an emotional experience of energy and elation was created.

    You crave and miss that up/ elation ever since because you usually feel down/ depressed and subdued (“I suffer/ suffered from depression… My general mood has always been more subdued than upbeat”). You crave and miss the energized feeling ever since because you usually feel exhausted (“I’m exhausted all the time by my emotions, or either just from worry or from anguish”).

    In your most recent post, you wrote in regard to the man: “at the back of my mind all day every day is my ex. Like a warm little light, I warm my hands  on the memory of how I felt with him near me. When I feel bad, or good, when I win.. I miss telling him and him being there… Everywhere I go, I’m reminded of him as though it was yesterday, but I believe he broke up with me in 2019, sometime in the spring maybe.. I’ve forgotten when”-

    – you miss the warm feeling that you experienced with him sometimes because it usually feels cold inside you. You miss the little light you sometimes felt with him, because it usually feels dark inside of you, doesn’t it?

    Just like certain chemicals in your brain produced the emotional experience of energy, elation, warmth and light sometimes, some of the time when you were with this man, other chemicals produce the exhaustion, depression, coldness and darkness that you feel most of the time.

    I think that you suffered for too long, and that seeing a medical doctor for the purpose of being prescribed psychiatric medications so to ease your suffering is a good idea, at this point. What do you think?

    anita

    #378290
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I´m not so comfortable with the idea of medications, when i took them previously i was on (at first) 20mg of an anti depressant. Not a very high level i think. I just felt really nothing for a long time. It numbed the edges of acute pain and everything went very flat, no highs or lows.

    The acute reaction i had this time was much shorter than previous times. I feel the hurt, pain, i feel suicidal and desperate, i cry and then it evens off into nothing.  i feel fairly numb and flat even without taking meds. Im worried that taking meds will make me “disappear” into a fog. And once you are on them…doctors want you to stay on them at least a year.

    The betrayal i felt this time. i dont know. I still held some hope he was interested in me. And i was conflicted by it because i knew it was wrong but its hard to erase. When he confirmed he was still seeing someone and then told me where she worked i just felt blindsided. Another type of betrayal. And the sting of suddenly being aware that all this time she was probably keeping an eye on me and my work…its creepy. It felt like she had personally attacked me, like it was nothing to do with him.

    I want to know how to deal with the intense rage i felt….it seems to me i could have walked over to her office and thrown a brick through the window, i pictured dragging her by her hair…i felt so violent towards her. But luckily it has lasted only about 24hrs. I must admit, the work situation has kept me preoccupied anyway.

    I go through phases of hating him and focusing on new things and work, to going through phases of fantasy, missing him and thinking he misses me. That is a problem, letting go. It is also because of the way he was on the phone before. He was flirtacious, asking if i was with somebody…he always asked that. He mentioned a guy at my work who i dont remember telling him about. He seems jealous. But that is quite possible…if he is that kind of person who wants to have all the girls…and keep them, its possible he is happy that i am alone and missing him. When we were together there really was a kind of electrical field of communication, a heightened sense of being on each others´mind, i would think of him and he would call etc. When these kind of things happen its very hard to forget it.

    I want to know how to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Find peace.

    Within the last few days since this happened, a lot of other things have gone wrong…i feel sometimes like i am being pushed over the edge of a cliff constantly. Im tired of seeing other people´s success when i know i have worked hard or harder than they have. Its like i feel my happiness and success is just an impossible dream.

     

     

    #378295
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    It’s clear to me that you are suffering and that you have been suffering for a long time. The first priority I see in your situation is to significantly lower your suffering, so that you do “find a light at the end of the tunnel. Find peace”.

    I am trying to understand your emotional experience: how you feel much of the time. You wrote that when you took a low dosage of an anti-depressant, the medication “numbed the edges of acute pain and everything went very flat, no highs or lows”- meaning that before you took the medication, you felt acute pain, as well as highs and lows.

    You mentioned feeling “hurt, pain.. suicidal and desperate”, and “intense rage”, as well as: “I feel fairly numb and flat even without taking meds”-

    How often and for how long per day/ week do you feel acute pain, hurt and rage, highs and low?

    How often and for how long per day/ week do you feel numb and flat?

    * I will be back to the computer in about 10 hours.

    anita

    #378303
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Things seem to be heavily against me at the moment.. i am trying to adjust to a new role in sales when i am not naturally a sales person and i feel the pressure to make some money because im broke. The mean guy at work had an incredible day yesterday, and has 3 agreed high end sales. But these were only achieved by squashing others in the company as i said before, he seems to make money off the back of single-income women who form the rest of the team.

    While last night i felt calmer writing to you, this morning my mind was in a washing machine cycle of thinking of him, then of the bad situation at work, then him..we have one property of his for sale listed by my colleague and i felt it hanging there, mocking me, with his girlfriend´s company´s sign on it..he never said why all this time, he made a fool of me. Today i thought to myself, “please Colleague, sell it, so i don’t have to see it anymore or hear about him anymore”.

    Guess what? 2 hours later she informed us that he has sold it.

    I should be happy it’s gone. If I do in fact have a telepathic connection with him, then he heard me but its a crazy coincidence. But…. I feel the strong emotions again welling up in my chest and tears threatening to fall… i have to go out and work and look successful and happy but I feel like crawling back into bed.

    In my angry last text to him, I said my colleague could sell his house if she wanted to, but I wanted nothing more to do with him. I explained that at work I was asked about his properties all the time….thinking back and cringing at how, when we were still talking and civil, I had told everyone about another property of his, the house where she met us. where I lived for a while…thinking we might get to sell it. He led me on all that time, said we couldn’t put it online but it was on her website. There was clearly no chance it would have been allowed by her, and he made me look like a failure in my own workplace where I already struggle to get respect.

    I understand well, that when i get news of him, it sends me into this state. But it never stops. And i crave news of him although i really have little knowledge, i only looked him up online a few times, i know others who immediately are following everything their ex does.

    So, before today and this news….id say i feel fairly “flat” or “empty” most of the time. No acute anything. I dont exactly feel numb, as i associate that with the aftermath of feeling intense pain caused by some other person´s actions.

    I KNOW very well, this is a kind of addiction.but ive really tried this time to forget him and move forward. Other guys have not interested me yet after 2 years and ive lost my libido as well. You have to wonder what i did in a former life that led to this. My boss thinks i feel like a victim too much…but she has not walked in my shoes and i find her increasingly arrogant. My friends have had similar experiences to me and feel sympathy but equally see no options where we are.

    #378418
    sossi
    Participant

    I just read again what i wrote and the 2nd paragraph to be clear is about my ex…not about the co worker! I dont seem to be making much sense im so in my head.

    #378485
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “You have to wonder what I did in a former life that led to this. My boss thinks I feel like a victim too much… My friends have had similar experiences to me and feel sympathy but equally see no options where we are”-

    – if you meant to say that your friends see no options in regard to a relationship between you and the man we are discussing, then I agree with them. It is very unlikely that there will be a relationship, at least not a healthy one and not for long.

    Regarding your boss thinking that you feel like a victim too much- I would say that she is partly correct. When you were a child and your sister was so jealous of you, causing you to suffer, and no one protected you/ no one corrected the injustice you suffered- you were truly a victim.

    * It’s not that what you did in a former life led to your experience today, but that what happened to you in your early life, as a child, led to much of what you experience today.

    As an adult, at times you were truly a victim of abusive people at the workplace and otherwise. At other times, you felt like a victim but you were not.

    Back to when you were a child, your sister wanted what was yours, if I remember correctly, and she took what was yours. Fast forward, you feel that this other woman, a real estate agent (who is living with the man we are discussing, and who has listed his properties) took from you what was yours.

    But he wasn’t yours, you know. I mean, you didn’t own him. If you understood that you didn’t really own him, you might not feel like a victim in this regard.

    anita

     

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