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I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups

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  • #380779
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think i mostly feel sadness!

    i never used to feel so intensly angry at situations..i guess when i was younger i thought things might change and things would happen differently but they didnt. Im not sure why i attract negativity from others but i do. And it just seems to get worse. At work some years ago i used to regularly get abusive comments from clients, some about me being foreign, some sexist, it was a relief in a way when i became, i guess..more unattractive to get that attention. But that was also probably another reason for my ex to leave..so you cant win.

    I think im prone to being bullied because i dont speak up, cant seem to…its like i have a stupid fascination to see where its going, to fall headlong into the pain of rejection from someone. Maybe i create the disasters in my life but i dont seem to have the will to fight back.

    i started to feel some years ago that people are expected to be a little nasty in one way or another: jealous or competitive. That this is healthy. I dont get that. i know i sound stupid. I dont really get jealous….i can see other people´s beauty and i can see the things they have…but my default is to think that they too may have problems. I guess that has kept me going in a lot of ways as my nose gets rubbed in other people´s fortune quite a lot. I know there are people who WANT to make me jealous but it wont work…im not wired like that. Maybe that makes them angry.

    I´m not the typical average person in that i dont have a partner and i dont have kids, so a whole easy way of meeting people is lost to me. On the other hand i think that the way i live is getting more and more common. No kids. No man. Through my 30s i had the thoughts like most women do, that i may be judged for not being partnered up..but once you get past 40 people literally dont notice you anymore and it becomes less of an issue. I guess you could say they conclude you are a loser then. Even women who have been divorced are more desirable but to me i see some women´s desperation to find a man and its a little sad. But i dont really care anymore..i accepted a lot of things i didnt want to accept, i can deal with it. I would only be with someone if they were right for me, after all the experiences and the pain i suffered after, its just really not worth the effort unless the guy is 100% right. My mom constantly says i should meet some old guy so i can be taken care of. She has said that before but luckily she doesnt push too much.

    I thought about leaving the country a lot of times. Just talking to my friend reminded me how HARD it is to make a success of being where i am. He started pointing out the negatives and it just got me down. But i dont see a path outside where i am just now..

    I see what you mean about the anger, keeping me in a tense state of reaction. Ive tried to suppress my true feelings a lot i see. When someone hurts me, i dont react but pretend i didnt hear or that i dont care. But i do. I dont like people being disrespectful but they often are..i just want to get through the day. But being creative, enjoying a moment, these things seem to be slipping from me and that just makes life all about work and nothing else.

    A colleague and I have been planning to start a business away from our work, nothing great…rentals. But we are both sick of the dynamic at our work place. So this is a slow project. This year is hopefully the worst. Only problem for me is that im not too excited about the work…id like to do other things but i just dont have confidence. I have to say that she has also complained a lot about work situations and probably we have sat with the negativity a lot. I felt bad for her too though, its unfair a lot of the things that have happened.

    I STILL think a lot about my ex. I am conscious of his problems and also believe it would not work, and yet…yet. still miss him, still feel that we are compatible in some way.

    i know that being in my workplace has become unhealthy, and my colleague also felt that too for her…we just need to try and get out and maybe things will look better.

    #380780
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “I’m not sure why I attract negativity from others but I do”- there is a lot of negativity here, there and everywhere, so one attracts what is common and abundant because.. there is so much of it.

    “I think I’m prone to being bullied because I don’t speak up”- sometimes that’s the case. At other times you only imagine that you are being bullied: you misinterpret words and actions.

    “people are expected to be a little nasty.. jealous or competitive”- it is true to some cultures more than others.

    “my nose gets rubbed in other people’s fortune quite a lot”- part of the “a lot” is your incorrect interpretation, I believe (based on communicating with you over time).

    “No kids. No man…. people literally don’t notice you anymore and it becomes less of an issue”- maybe because of way greater issues than whether a woman is married and with kids: a global pandemic, coups and autocratic take overs, or the threats of such (such as in the U.S), global warming, increasing droughts, wildfires and storms.

    “My mom constantly says I should meet some old guy so I can be taken care of”- what your mother said in the past didn’t work for your advantage, better not consider more of what she says.

    I hope that you and your colleague come up with a plan that benefits the two of you. It does sound like your workplace is not a good place to work in.

    anita

    #380796
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your perspective, its quite a problem for me, being mostly alone and trying to interpret what is going on around me. I also do not always follow what people are saying because of the language barrier so sometimes i know i come across as dumb, because i dont always understand. Its frustrating but ive become used to that. So the bullying and negativity are a combination i know fairly well.

    I know other people who simply speak their own language and dont bother to learn but if im honest, ive done really well to get so far and having some knowledge, it is going to be an advantage when the world turns to shit, as it might.

    And with regards to my friend looking for work and a place to call home, i feel a great deal of empathy beause i know how he feels even though he looks a lot like the local people and i dont. He says he has experienced a lot of racism but i know he is also antagonistic sometimes. You need the patience of a saint sometimes. Culturally speaking i think he is a better match for a country like the States. When i first moved here, it was a recession and no one had any money. There were literally no young people and i thought i had come to the end of the line….but…..i found through my patience, that people were kind, gentle, sweet and helpful. I just felt gratitude because i had nothing. I think im talking about older generations mainly though. I think the younger generation here is impatient, greedy and does not have time to understand other cultures. There´s a difference. And there are new visitors too, impatient, demanding….its sad sometimes but that is what an increasingly succesful economy attracts, no one has time to stop.

    We now have a lot of wealthy older foreign people from all over …expensive cars and more increasingly younger couples who want to live a cleaner life by the sea. That is the marketing speak though. There is another side and that is the people who are searching for answers or running away from something. The ocean is a great attraction for the lost.

    What im trying to understand in myself is why i am struggling through this life when, like my friend i could just say “this isnt working, im going”. I know its not as simple maybe, i have elderly parents i have to think of  who are vunerable here but its more the fact that im already older, tired of living in different countries. It would have probably all fallen into place if i had met the right guy i think as most women fall into a routine that way. Being alone is very hard, i have to be very strong all the time.

    Its good to hear your perspective that i am misinterpreting situations as this makes me hopeful that things arent as bad as they seem. But they still seem bad! I dont feel there is much doubt that the family member at work has made my job harder and so forced me to look at other options, he would prefer me to leave. Ive let other people´s issues affect me and its poison for the mind. Also influenced by my colleague, i guess we have come to our own conclusions. When in doubt you refer to your instinct about situations and coincidences rarely exist do they?

    And my ex is long gone. Ive hung on and on with the dream-like imagining that i am special somehow. It seemed preferable, understandably when you consider the lonely reality, to believe that i have some hold on him. I guess i wanted to feel wanted by someone that i was attracted to. But there is no magic there, he is a narcissist who is probably abusing the woman he is with. In fact i think one of the best things i did was to talk to one of the women he left me for (the first time around) because i could then see the delusion in her for myself. I try to remind myself of that. She left him soon after and i must admit, i think i saved her from a lot of pain. But i suffered it. I got back with him and then he left me again for his current girlfriend. he was my drug like nothing i had experienced before. Crazy that this can happen and you think you are so rational as a person but around him i would lose myself.

     

     

    #380802
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “When in doubt you refer to your instinct about situations and coincidences rarely exist do they?”- I don’t believe in destiny (a predetermined course of events in a person’s life, a predetermined future), therefore I don’t believe in coincidences being evidence of a destiny.

    In regard to instinct (how a person feels and behaves in a particular situation without having to think or learn about it)- sometimes instinct is reliable, such as when a person touches a hot stove, feels the burn and removes his hand from the stove (having made the correct evaluation that indeed the stove was hot and therefore dangerous), and  sometimes instinct is not reliable, such as when a person who has a phobia regarding spiders sees a spider, or a picture of spider, feels intense fear, screams and yells (having made the wrong evaluation of an image of the spider being dangerous).

    “And my ex is long gone. I’ve hung on and on with the dream-like imagining that I am special.. I wanted to feel wanted by someone I was attracted to”- your instinct was to hang on to him, or to your idea of him (to what he represented to you). I guess this instinct fits the spider phobia example above in that you made the wrong, overly positive evaluation of your ex and reacted to that wrong evaluation.

    “he is a narcissist”- that’s your most current evaluation of your ex. He may fit the diagnosis or not, you might be making an overly negative evaluation of him, I don’t know. But he definitely does not fit the overly positive evaluation you had of him when you hung on to him for so long. Do you agree?

    anita

    #380858
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My frustration over this obsessing about my ex is that i understand both the good and bad about him. I feel i almost have the full picture of him, apart from his true thoughts, which he basically seems to hide from everyone. I am aware i got involved with someone who was destabilizing to my mental state, that was already in a fragile state when i met him. I felt that he had a tough time going through his younger years, some bad experiences. From what he has told me of his past relationships i think he learned he could use women but he is also blindsided by them and a little frightened of them…he struggled to understand emotions. This is why i think he fits the profile of a Narcissist. I think he would talk to his friends about not understanding women he was with and they would give their leveled opinion..of course, some of those men were also just as childlike when it came to relationships. But others i met knew exactly what problems he had and just accepted it. Sometimes i felt he was bullied by his friends as they discovered he was easy to manipulate.  it drove me nuts that some random woman he had just met would find she could influence him, or that suddenly he had bought something expensive like a house or a car because it was a good idea at the time. As a friend he was good entertainment i think.

    ….there is the bad side i experienced, the mood swings he had, the temper, impatience and frustration he had. He  told me about his frustrations with previous girlfriends..but not with much detail, one was anorexic, so was another, one slept too much he said, the other made him jealous with the way she dressed and that seemed to really hurt him, that she might be flirting with someone else. He asked me if i was cheating on him many times but not in an angry way, just in a very insecure way. He expected me to work for him for free, being his side kick in most of his business. It was sometimes exhausting as he had a lot of energy. He told me one ex girlfriend was annoying because she slept all the time, i could understand. I think these girls threw themself into everything, im more reserved and perhaps stubborn…i wouldnt do everything he wanted, i didnt have image issues and i didnt take drugs. But mentally i felt i gave a lot to him…which is why the damage was all there.

    On the good side, he was creative and energetic and clever, he was innovative and always had new ideas, he was attractive to me in every way and we were compatible in most ways except for one…that i didnt need to socialise so much and he really did. When were just at home i was very happy, i never felt as good with other boyfriends. He would help me with my own ideas and encouraged me to do things although he would also quickly get frustrated with me. When i say he had a lot of energy, i mean he needed stimulation all the time, ideas, sex, travel, friends, business and fun etc..I found the pace pretty hard to keep up..i think others did too. But this counteracted my natural depressive nature and i preferred it to my natural state. he had some few quiet moments too. He always said jokingly that his ex girlfriend always liked it when he was sick, because then he was calmer and wouldn´t be running off somewhere…thats why i understand it was not just me. He was also the kind of guy that would call up and say that he had broken his surfboard or his car or part of him. Just carelessly. That was hard to deal with, that he was so energetically erratic, but in return for the other good stuff i accepted that about him.

    In some ways i wondered if in fact we were mirroring each other. If in fact we were too similar to work out.

    #380866
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    If don’t think that it is possible for you to not have an adequate picture of “his true thoughts”, and yet, to have “the full picture of him”.

    It could be said in regard to a baby who doesn’t yet have words to form thoughts, that you have a full picture of the baby even though you don’t know of his thoughts, but a grown man who has thoughts but keeps most of them hidden (“his true thoughts, which he basically seems to hide from everyone”)- makes seeing a full picture of him impossible.

    You shared about him that “he needed stimulation all the time, ideas, sex, travel, friends, business and fun”, that he was innovative, creative, clever, energetic, erratic; childlike when it comes to women, afraid of women, easily influenced by women, blindsided by women, uses women (ex.: wanted you to work for his business for free); easily manipulated by his friends,  bullied by his friends, has mood swings, a temper, impatient and frustrated, insecure.

    It looks like he is financially successful and that his financial success is a big attraction to the women in his life, and that his financial success has a lot to do with him being creative, clever, innovative, and very energetic- always on the go. Other than that, I have no picture of him at all.

    anita

    #381023
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    What i mean by the full picture is the outward behaviour and actions, an assessment of that. Whereas his thoughts are something i could never know for sure. He didn´t “confide” in me as such but small truths leaked out over time as though he had already told me about them….for instance about his drug use. I suppose he didnt tell me at first because then i would surely leave. Again, this fits the narrative of a Narcissist, as it seems to describe them as people who go from one to another person but can´t bear to be alone and are frightened of being alone.

    I remember he asked me in the beginning if i was a very jealous person and that it was good i wasnt…but i think he was insincere..he in fact WANTED me to have a tantrum about other women so he could feel more loved, more wanted. When i met him for the last time and he told me his current girlfriend was very jealous and would not want him to be friends with me. Was he bragging? or was it honest. Because i feel he would always flirt and there is no reason for him to change.

    There is something else. I have a strong feeling that he keeps check on what i am doing..this is a feeling i have always had around him but i have no proof apart from the things he said to me. I never had the same feeling with other boyfriends. i dont think its because he wants to get back to me but rather, he wants me to stay alone. As we talk of coincidence, i recently listed a house and was talking to the owner, she told me that another agent had tried to list it after i went (in order to have it exclusively) and that the woman had been very aggressive so the owner didnt go for it….ive very little doubt, this was his current girlfriend and i wonder how that just happened to be. You may say this is delusional but things keep coming up and i am not looking for them..if anything, im trying to get on with my life.

    I feel this sense of people trying to bait me lately. As i mentioned for example, at work with this male family member. Today i asked a question to my team on social media and time passed, i got no reply. usually when others ask something a reply comes in 2 mins. Even my boss noticed and made a comment which is rare, after which two of them jumped and replied immediately like they had been bitten…..it was another humiliation from people i have personally helped A LOT but ive come to expect nothing but the worst. I feel they are making this example to the newer staff to show how i should be treated and its working, the young girl doing my old job is now similarly dismissive and follows suit…its ugly and i feel it could even be classed as racism at the very least developing a bullying culture. But i can´t do much to change that. It makes me depressed and sad that this is the example for a successful business life. The family member never helps me when i ask, pretends he doesnt know information etc. And at group meetings he is very fake, polite and helpful but at the same time makes a point of demeaning my influence…no doubt he is afraid of my influence on the boss because he wants total control. I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about it. The problem is that this behaviour only makes me shut the door on empathy for them…so how does that improve the business?

    As you can see, i just run around in circles with these two things..but i think that this helps..i feel less of an attraction to the man i once really adored. it was an unfair relationship and i was treated badly. And it also is about my relationships with people..why the negatives all the time and why do i seem to get so many jealous people in my life? its really no wonder i feel the way i do.

    #381077
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “why do I seem to get so many jealous people in my life?”, you asked. The belief that people are jealous of you in a core belief: something you believed in from an early age. Maybe this belief, when it comes to your current life circumstances, is partly true. Maybe it is not true at all. If you want to put together a  sort of an essay for the title:  so many jealous people in my life, past and present, please do, I would like to read it!

    anita

    #381178
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Today. I started writing another brick of text and it sounded too complaining. I can’t seem to stop..Im overtired. I don’t have a break from work much at all.

    More bad experiences at work, more feeling hopeless and like I might just collapse.

    Is this as good as it gets for me? Is there a light at the end when you work this hard? Or am I just being stupid staying here? Maybe im just too smart to be here and ive been underachieving or maybe this is all I can get.

    Jealousy as a core belief. Yes probably I got it from my mother, who had reasoned that people were jealous when I felt self conscious of people staring at me on the street….which has affected me a lot when I was younger. She concluded it was because I was attractive. I could never be certain of that, so my mind would dissect the information and look at all possible other explanations.

    I think I mentioned I thought she fit a narcissist profile, that I gathered this opinion over the last 4 or 5 years, and that this was probably why I put up with my ex’s behaviour as he was similar to her in behaviour.  Loving, building up and then tearing down and insulting. So in a way, analyising my ex has led to other realisations.

    In the last few years I also came to see some awful jealous behaviour in her regarding what little successes I had. The main one being apartments I renovated that she refused to even visit until it was done, then looked unhappy when she finally came. And for some reason I would always want her opinion when I should know better. It seems she also has a need to be more knowledgable than me on subjects I have more experience in..my work mainly. These toxic exchanges are so common to me really that I don’t even think of it. But I know this is part of the problems I have. My mothers relationship with my father is also toxic. He never contradicts, he is subservient and feeds her need to bully.

    Im unsure of my own opinions, I have trouble making decisions..these are things they say are as a result of this kind of relationship where you are made to doubt yourself.

    Maybe jealous is really not the only word but I use that because I feel it describes other people’s behaviour..there is envy, spitefulness as well.

    im tired of sitting on the fence on everything, being so amenable and nice, letting others take advantage and being so unhappy about it all.

     

     

    #381180
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I will reply further in about 11 hours from now, but for now, if you are able: can you give me an example of the “Loving, building up and then tearing down and insulting”, describing each part: (1) loving & building up, (2) tearing down & insulting (pick an example with the worst tearing down & insulting that you can think of,  if you will).

    anita

    #381193
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I re-read a lot of what you shared on this thread since April, wanting to understand better. In the following I will include quotes from you (when italicized- it is my addition).

    What I learned today is that your mother has been indeed extremely self-centered: her focus has been on herself, on what she felt and what she needed, going about meeting her emotional needs at the expense of her own daughters, her husband and others. When others had something she wanted, jealous/ envious- she went about taking it for herself.

    You grew up spending most of your time with your mother (“My dad travelled a lot so effectively we were raised without him around much. My sister was also out most of the time”). Your mother was focused on herself, and your father- when he was home- was focused on your mother (“My father is obsessive with her, totally focused on her”, still).

    Your sister reacted to your mother’s extreme self-centeredness/ selfishness by arguing and avoiding her (“My sister gets angry and irritable very quickly… always argued with our mom… avoiding the family and sulky when she was at home”). You reacted opposite to your sister (“I am not like her”): your sister argued- you did not, she was angry- you joked, she rejected her home life and avoided it- you accepted your home life and stayed in (“I have always been a ‘smoother’, at home I was the clown.. I was the joker of the family and diffused situations with jokes and humor… I was introverted, shy, creative and sometimes funny. Humor was my way of diffusing situations.. I just accepted what was”).

    “When someone hurts me, I don’t react, but pretend I didnt hear or that I don’t care. But I do. I don’t like people being disrespectful but they often are.. I just want to get through the day”- this was your strategy as a child and still, at 44: “I’m tired of sitting on the fence on everything, being so amenable and nice, letting others take advantage and being so unhappy about it all”, June 7, 2021.

    Someone is always enviously eyeing whatever I have and taking it away…it’s a repeat pattern… I think from an early age I learned that, if I had gained something, others were jealous and that always made me feel bad” -that someone was/is your mother; the others = your mother.

    “My mother was depressive and certainly in my teens I remember spending hours sorting out her problems with her… she had a lack of understanding, empathy and seemingly would turn any event back to focus on her own life and problems. You could start talking about something that was bothering you.. and find yourself once again, going over her childhood issues”- self-centered, focused on herself, overly concerned with her emotions and needs, and not concerned with her daughter’s.

    “when I had a boyfriend over and I was making something in the kitchen my mom would tease me and the boyfriend (as it happened with more than one boyfriend) would join in… This would be seen as a sort of bonding experience for them at my expense”- your mother needed your boyfriends’ attention, so she took it away from you and at your expense.

    “I have doubts sometimes about my mother’s honest intentions and behaviours. Can it be a strange jealousy of her own daughters? This competitiveness and need to control that reveals itself in fights where she suddenly asserts, ‘this is MY home, MY car, MY etc.'”- yes, she has  been jealous of her own daughter, and she is not honest with you (and with others).

    “only a few years ago, I achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation.. my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions. I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction”- too self-centered and selfish to be happy for her daughter’s success. Instead she was jealous and envious.

    “when I am feeling successful and confident and beautiful, when it feels like it is radiating out of me.. I feel that is dangerous, because bad things happen, I attract unhappy comments, unhappy people who feel it’s unfair somehow“- when as a child, a teenager and onward, you felt good and it showed- your mother noticed, wanted what you had and took it away from you. It is your mother who has been the unhappy person who felt it’s unfair that you felt successful, confident and beautiful (“I have still got a mother who is pretty unsatisfied with what she has”).

    “When walking on the street sometimes people will start laughing as I approach them… Strangers do make fun of me.. Yesterday a woman stepped out of her apartment building on the phone and started laughing loudly saying ‘oh! you should see the scene out here today!.. I was the only person there ..The women here are very jealous”- you are projecting your mother’s jealousy, her teasing of you and making fun of you==> to people, strangers, a woman stepping out of her apartment.

    “Why am I attracted to witty and entertaining people only to find them mocking me and making fun that turns into hurtful cruelty?”- you were born to a witty and entertaining woman who mocked you and made fun of you and was cruel to you. Next, you see her in other people, often assuming that they mock you and make fun of you when really, they don’t

    “when my parents met my ex’s parents.. They were sitting around a table and talking and she suddenly, like a young girl, got up and sat on my dad’s knee and she talked to them and laughed girlishly. As I was there, I thought it was highly bizarre behaviour”-that’s your mother as a middle aged/ older woman getting the attention she craves.

    You wrote yesterday: “Jealousy as a core belief. Yes probably I got it from my mother, who had reasoned that people were jealous when I felt self conscious of people staring at me on the street.. She concluded it was because I was attractive”- likely, your mother was jealous of you for being attractive and projected her own jealously into strangers on the street.

    You wrote yesterday about your mother: “I think I mentioned I thought she fit a narcissist profile…  I also came to see some awful jealous behaviour in her regarding what little successes I had… she also has a need to be more knowledgeable than me on subjects I have more experience in… my father.. never contradicts, he is subservient and feeds her need to bully”-

    – Wikipedia on the characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: “Requiring excessive admiration, A sense of entitlement.. Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends), Lacking empathy: unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others, Often being envious of others. .. the person with NPD can be a self-absorbed control freak who passes blame by psychological projection and is intolerant of contradictory views and opinions; is apathetic towards the emotional, mental, and psychological needs of other people; and is indifferent to the negative effects of their behaviors”- it all fits.<sup id=”cite_ref-dsm5_13-2″ class=”reference”></sup>

    “I’m tired of sitting on the fence on everything, being so amenable and nice, letting others take advantage and being so unhappy about it all”- time to change this lifelong strategy.

    anita

    #381249
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    As usual i have written and rewritten about this..its hard as i know this is also a public forum and that i am effectively, an open study. But on the other hand i hope that people read with an open mind of understanding i am human, no matter what they may judge me as being. I feel that i am often judged badly. People have a need to put you in your place, whether above or below them. I have no need for that, but i see a lot of people do and it bothers me.

    I would like to meet people and see them just calm as they are. But in reality, where i am, we attract a lot of frazzled and desperate people looking for a sense of peace (by the sea of course!). Unfortunately even i could tell them its not outside themselves but within. I sound like a guru i know. Im not a hippie type at all but im just accepting of what is..i think maybe that is rare because so many people come here with big ideas.

    I know there is the tendancy to find that someone is to blame in our past childhood. I certainly know that my mom has narcissitic tendencies but is capable of empathy and my father i guess is a control freak (sometimes “accidentally” locking my mother in the house)  with some other unidentified issues (social anxiety, need for approval from my mother, no need for any other contact). My sister has not been around much and not really responsive to any kind of introspection of what may be wrong in the relationship we have so i have had to come to these conclusions alone. It was only after my ex  boyfriend experience..i realised how similar he was to my mothers behaviour, both in negative and positive. I have worried many times that i am like my father, the sufferer.

    I also know, that while my moms behaviour affected us girls directly, she also reacted to her experiences. Her mother died when she was 20, i think that was a lifechanging experience of what options she had for her future.

    I know im probably unpopular in my opinion, having children is the most obvious self love you can show…and also, for the wrong person, the most selfish thing.

    Once you have children you may feel you can do no wrong. I see how women who have children become amazingly arrogant. Some use their motherhood as a tool to get what they want in life, some use it for power. Some use their children to manipulate situations, who hasnt felt that?

    I remember saying to my pregnant sister “dont let it change you” and it did almost immediately…She became other than herself and that person wont come back. Her job is now to raise her daughter but how much of that is for the child and how much is actually for herself or her partners goals? these are kind of taboo subjects right? What happens to womens brains when they have children.

    I also had a childhood friend who had a baby years ago and immediately after, she became very selfrighteous and demeaning towards me which i thought was very basic and wrong..i cut her off after that as it was clear she didnt feel much kindness towards me.

     

     

    #381250
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “I know this is also a public forum.. I am human, no matter what they may judge me as being. I feel that I am often judged badly”-

    (1) Did you feel that I judged you in my last post (which was about your mother being extremely self-centered, and how you and your sister reacted to life with her in different ways), and if so, what was my judgment of you, in your mind?

    (2) Do you feel that people reading your thread are judging you, and if so: what is their judgment, in your mind?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #381903
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Ive been preoccupied lately with work and my health, which has not been good – the back pain turning into sciatica down one leg, now i walk with a limp and my foot is numb..im getting more exams but..it really sometimes feels like punishment. Ive tried to recover but it just gets worse. Work has taken a dive when i lost out to sell something that would have made a huge huge difference…apparently just a matter of 1 or 2 days timing, so unfair right? since then, things have been very weak, worsened by covid threatening to shut everything down.

    I feel now that my attitude has to somehow change..im never going to “get” the result i want, the successes that i work so hard for just won´t materialise…what i used to believe was that karma had my back, things tended to come true as i had predicted but now people seem to be just so arrogant and stubborn around me and things keep going wrong for me. Thats not going to change is it? Do the mean people get to win?

    i feel like im trying too hard in the wrong way and that i have to learn to be different. Its frustrating. In fact, frustration seems to be my main feeling in life! increasingly, anger.

    Ive tried to rely on my senses too much, but they are unreliable…reading tarot and starsign information online hoping that the information will point me in the right direction because trying hard hasnt. Nothing coming good. I still think of my ex but a little less, just sadness in its place. I dont feel motivated to meet new people, i just want it to happen..somehow believing that if i try, it will fail..it should be fate.

    you asked if i felt you judged me…because i felt judged by others. I think i felt you probably judged my mother and her lack of interest to support us, her daughters, by what i have said which of course in reality is one-sided. But it aligned with my opinions built up over the last 15 or so years.

    i said in several ways, that she has jealousy issues..problems relating with women i think mainly. My father is a wall of denial. My sister doesnt want to discuss anything uncomfortable and just seems to display worryingly similar traits now to my mother (she has to be right, is arrogant). I used to get very angry about my dad´s lack of interest to protect his kids when she was unreasonable, he wont do anything to fix it. he allows her to continue behaving like a child. He would say and still would, that we need to appreciate our mother´s point of view…even when it was clear to a teenager or a young adult, that she was behaving selfishly and her temper tantrums were clearly encouraged when he helped her this way. Ive pleaded with him to take her to a councellor as he in particular suffers the constant barrage of her thoughts himself , and sometimes her verbal abuse, but denies himself any solution. They found each other in their 20s no doubt with family issues and so this is deeply cemented.  I guess even though i hate it, i take after him. I think that people outside our family find him to be weak, to be crawling. As i do.

    I think that people reading this will consider me weak too and probably just a victim, a loser in life. I feel i have fought, managing the feelings i have from the experiences i have had and get..on a daily basis. The truth is that i dont know how to deal with them the right way. Ive probably never learnt that. And constantly meeting people who end up being just as abusive and manipulative…ive ended up feeling that the odd one out is me. That i have to be manipulative and mean. I don´t relate to women who walk into a room, see a total stranger and have an instant dislike…but there are many people like that.

     

     

     

    #381905
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi;

    I am sorry to read that your foot is numb and you are walking with a limp as a result of sciatica.

    “you asked if I felt you judged m..  I think I felt you probably judged my mother and her lack of interest to support us, her daughters, by what I have said which of course in reality is one-sided. But it aligned with my opinions built up over the last 15 or so years”-

    -But I trust the one-sided account that you told me about your mother to be true. I don’t need her account/ her side. I believe what you told me and therefore, I believe that she has been extremely self-centered throughout your childhood, and still is.

    “I think that people reading this will consider me weak too and probably just a victim”- you really were a victim of your excessively selfish and self-centered mother. She weakened you. To no longer identify with being a victim and get stronger, you need, I believe, to open your eyes to you having really been a victim, and to see your account of victimhood in childhood, not as one side of two equally valid sides, but as the only one side that is valid in this context. If you don’t take your own side, you will keep on limping, figuratively .. and literally.

    “I’ve tried to rely on my senses too much, but they are unreliable…reading tarot and star sign information online hoping that the information will point me in the right direction because trying hard hasn’t”- give yourself a break, stop trying so hard and take your own side, believe your own story, not a story told by the stars, but a story told by.. you.

    anita

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