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I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups

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  • #378534
    sossi
    Participant

    I dont think i know how to get out of this addictive cycle about this man. He is very much part of my memories and experiences where i live and without him my life has become a lot duller, less exciting and more mundane. Its just true.

    I want to move on and meet new people but im so disappointed whenever i try. I dont click in the same way. I do understand, that if he was in fact a narcissist, that his intention was to get me hooked..and it worked.

    My sister and i are really opposites. I think she needs a lot of attention and i dont. She hides her emotions and shares very little of what she feels and i tell my friends and former boyfriends everything. I always entertained myself and my sister seeks out company. My sister is in fact like my mother and they clashed when she was young. But now she is older, she craves that attention from her. Both of them have partners they can manipulate ..men who are willing to do things for them. Ive not learnt that skill and had the opposite experience…

    I know my ex was not mine, i wished he was but he told me many times he didnt want that and felt tied down. Yet, he is with other women who want more too. When i first met him so many years ago i told him i wanted a family and to have someone with me…but he just used me.

    It sounds like you are looking for instances from childhood that could describe the feelings i have but i dont find them. I NEVER hated anyone when i was younger, i dont remember any strong emotions then. My parents were seemingly very caring and met my needs if not my sister´s so i dont remember anything like getting angry i got the wrong christmas present, i was always happy with what i got and didnt need more. Maybe this is in fact the cause, feeling so comfortable with how my parents provided for me that i never needed to look for something else?? I think my sister is still angry at this..she said my relationship with them was unhealthy. There is no sexual or abusive issue, but simply that i got on with them and she did not. My sister gets angry and irritable very quickly..i dont think that is just with us either but we never hear anything from her partner who seems very distant. But i have always been a “smoother”, at home i was the clown.

    #378537
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I want to re-read your posts so far in the morning and try to understand you and your situation better. I will be back to your thread in about 14 hours. Maybe you can answer the following before I return: in your recent post, you wrote that your sister said that your relationship with your parents was unhealthy. Did she explain what she meant by it, specifically, perhaps she gave examples?

    Also, if I may ask another question: can you give me a couple of examples of you having been a “smoother” at home, as a child?

    anita

     

    #378580
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    You asked and stated the following: “Do I have autism, do I have a thyroid problem, am I an alcoholic, am I depressed… a lot of my life has been just so hard for me.. maybe there is a medical reason, autism? .. there are always problems, hardships, mostly jealous people and very few moments where I enjoy myself”-

    – I am not a health-care professional, therefore I will not try to answer your questions regarding medical diagnoses. I hope that you do see health-care professionals in regard to a few of your questions.

    Following re-reading what you shared, it seems to me that you suffer a lot from being jealous of other people while believing that they are jealous of you. I think that as a child, your parents, particularly your mother, favored your sister over you, and you were hurt and jealous of your sister. Yet you now believe that your sister has been jealous of you: “from an early age I learned that if I gained something, others were jealous.. My sister has always been jealous of what I had, she has never come out and said anything about it, but I know if I made more money and had more success, she would not be happy. She in fact is more successful than me”-

    – you think that if you were more successful than your sister, she would have been jealous of you, but as things are, she is more successful than you, and you are jealous of her.

    Continued, regarding your sister: “I think she always felt our parents loved me more. But she never talks about her feelings, there are only clues on few occasions”- she never said that your parents loved you more. What happened, seems to me, is that you are the one who believed that your parents loved her more than they loved you.

    “a few years ago, I achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation… my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions. I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction. I felt completely deflated”-

    – this does not sound like the behavior of a mother who loves and favors you over your sister.

    “My sister and I are really opposites. I think she needs a lot of attention and I don’t”- I think that you are the one who needs attention, starting with desperately needing your mother’s attention, as a child.

    “when I was a teenager my closest friend was very jealous.. I loved horses and she got her parents to buy her one”- you wanted a horse and she got a horse. You were jealous of her for getting a horse.

    About the same friend: “I think I recall her taking a photo of me for an art project where she did my makeup.. I looked at it and the eyes had been scratched out.. I don’t know who did it, but guessed it was her”- you guessed she was so jealous of you that she scratched out your eyes in the photo.

    “My work was not as high powered as hers and she enjoyed telling me all of her successes. If I had something good happen, she was silent”- you imagined, or guessed,  that she was silent because she was jealous of you, but seems to me that you were jealous of her because, like you stated, she did a higher powered work than you did.

    “When competitive people meet me, they seem to stomp all over me, jealous?”- you are competitive and when you meet other people that are more successful than you, you get very jealous.

    When a fellow real estate agent got to sell your former boyfriend properties and moved in with him, you were very jealous: “The anger I feel is something otherworldly… intense rage… I could have walked over to her office and thrown a brick through the window, I picture dragging her by her hair.. I felt so violent toward her”- this is jealousy, very strong jealousy, ever since you were a child.

    You wrote to me: “It sounds like you are looking for instances from childhood that could describe the feelings I have, but I don’t find them. I NEVER hatred anyone when I was  younger. I don’t remember any strong emotions then. My parents were seemingly very caring and met my needs if not my sister’s, so I don’t remember anything like getting angry… I was happy with what I got and didn’t need more… I think my sister is still angry at this”-

    – I don’t know if your sister is angry, maybe she is. I don’t know if she believes that your parents loved you more, I don’t know anything about her. But I do know some things about you because I read your words. You wrote that you don’t remember feeling any strong emotions as a child, but all children naturally feel strong emotions, so you must have felt strong emotions as well. You wrote that don’t remember getting angry, but you surely did get angry, all children do.

    Looking at what you shared in your thread, at 44, it seems clear to me that your childhood intense experience of hurt, anger and jealously carried with you since then to this very day.

    anita

    #378584
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  My friends are in a similar situation to me…one was cheated on in maybe a worse way, both have kids. Meeting guys is near impossible, there are no guys around here you would want to date. Or, they are not interested because there are lots of younger women.

    With my ex it is strange. It should be a closed door. But i feel in my bones its not. Ive said before there is some kind of connection, once before i suddenly had a strong urge to see him and was missing him…and then his car drove past me. Things like that have happened before. Yesterday feeling strongly i wanted my colleague to get rid of the house….and in the afternoon she informed me he had sold it.

    I wanted to start saying that my sister didnt take from me but in fact she has. One reason i fell out with her (now more than 6 months i think) is because while she stayed with us…longer than expected due to Covid….she had borrowed some clothes and then returned them…one was torn, I dont think anything was washed, another she took with her and left me with 3x plastic bags full of clothes she had bought at a charity shop and told me to ” give them back to charity or choose what you want”. Alongside this she had hardly paid for anything during her 3 month stay, my parents paid most times but other times it was me…when she gets home she always says she and her partner are making good money and taking trips etc.

    I am a single income, not well off individual. But she arrogantly thinks our parents will just take care of me and dismisses any criticism. I feel this is repressed anger from her childhood. She felt i got more than her, things and especially love.

    Growing up my sister was remote, not involved and sullen. Into adulthood my parents complained they hadnt heard from her, i certainly never heard from her…then in the last few years…she has a partner and a child, they have a business and things are tough but getting successful. Since having her daughter she now wants more contact with our parents..but its the same again, it has to be on her terms. My parents tell me sometimes they dont get to see the grandchild but its withheld like a pawn. My sister is craving the love she feels is missing. I sometimes feel my mother is unfeeling but i also see, my sister feels its never fair, or enough. She has had the same feelings about friends of hers, when she falls out she can be vicious about them.

    I noticed the last time she was visiting, that she was determined to have the last word..certainly authoritative about her child. It has to be about her. Ironically enough, its very similar to our mother. Who mostly gets her way at home and is angry if she doesnt. My sister is turning out to be the same. They are both able to be very charming but also have a terrible temper.

    In a way my ex´s behaviour was similar. Self centered behaviour, entitlement and a temper if they don´t get their voice heard. One of the last things he said when we were splitting up was that he didn´t want to end up like my parents…but i always felt he was like my mother, which means he hates himself! Maybe growing up with all this made his behaviour normal to me.

    I know and knew he wasn´t mine.

    He didnt want that. When we discussed a commitment he just avoided it. and yet he was very jealous. In the early days he went away on holiday without me, it was a guys trip he had planned for a while. I know he missed me terribly and when he came back he had brought me a ring. It was like an engagement ring and i wore it but he refused to call it that.  He said no, “its a promise ring” and i would get angry with him. He even told his old neighbours and various other people he knew that we were getting married, but not to his close friends or family. It was teasing something that i really wanted at the time. The ring was burning a hole in my hand..i wanted to be proud to wear it but..i felt ashamed for my need to get married when it was clear he couldnt offer it. And i felt ashamed for being weak because i loved him.

    Eventually we had an argument where i thrust it back at him and in an angry reaction he threw it away…god knows what he was thinking my reaction would be to all this teasing.

    Maybe he was so afraid of commitment himself that he was going through the motions to see how it felt…i just dont know. His father had left his mother when he was 15 and i know it affected him very much because life changed, probably a lot. I think his father was a cheater and a charmer too. I think he struggled to get his attention.

    I felt equally commitment-phobic about marriage. My previous relationship had gone downhill after a “romantic” proposal and i felt a dreaded sense of responsibility washing over me. I didnt expect to feel such revulsion to it and realised that i couldnt just get by on feeling “comfortable” when i didnt love him. I couldn´t even wear the ring, somehow it felt like a sentence and felt really uncomfortable. I felt owned. I was never the girl who would dream of her wedding, not at all.

    But with this guy…i still was not into weddings but i wanted a commitment with him..he knew it but just couldn´t do it.

    There were many times he asked me if i was seeing someone else….just like my sister it seems, the love i gave him just was never enough to satisfy his insecurities. Maybe i was too cool in showing it..and im more reserved publicly…i think he wanted to see adoration to show his friends, to show off…but ive no doubt at all they saw that.  He didnt, so he kept looking for others to show him what was lacking from me.

    As i write this i know, im still right there. Nothing seems to budge this feeling of connection. I feel like i need to sleep with someone just for the sake of it. I don´t want to.

     

     

    #378585
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I will be able to read and reply to your recent post (and anything you may add to it) in a few hours, and maybe in as long as in 16 hours from now.

    anita

    #378615
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    i wrote several times and it seems something does not want me to as it wont save!

    Every day since this i have seen something to remind me of the situation.  i had a phone call from a client asking about his house which has now sold and is removed from our website…my number is not associated anywhere with this property so i don´t know how she was calling me. She said she was surprised it had sold quickly..i said it hadnt as we had it for sale for months, i asked if i could send her details or at least have her name, she refused and said goodbye. Its coincidental that i receive a call a day after it was removed and i got suspicious thinking what if this woman was trying to find out how i feel about it? Since then i have noticed that perhaps her agency IS checking what mine has and going after the same properties. Maybe all this was just about money as it often is in my area. Can it be a coincidence, i dont really believe in those anymore.

    My workplace this week has been the worst. This bullying manipulating is so toxic and its coming from the top down, because of greed. My colleague is going into surgery this weekend, they have made her life hell this week and i cant stomach it. Me, they just don´t consider at all..im a nothing. They have absolutely no respect for anyone. This is clearly survival mode at its worst.

    Betrayal seems to be the theme of April 2021.

    Speaking of people stealing or taking from me:

    In my work, i in fact sold one of the most expensive properties we have ever sold, about 3 years ago. It was a long process, involving immense patience and i was teased all the way ” id rather you work with them than me!” etc. In the end, i made a great sale, the clients wanted to work with me although they were surrounded by other agents but i had gone out of my way to help them because i genuinely liked them. When the day came for the money, my boss told me “unfortunately” she had to give a larger share to another person who was involved in a minor way..which meant i got less than i was owed. It stung, as its clearly unfair…but in this place there´s nothing i can do about it. However, this memory has sat with me ever since and its a problem. If i sell another big property, will they steal from me again with some excuse? That day i have to say i lost my trust in my boss and saw them for who they are.

    I also have had a number of times when i felt my job security was threatened by a new colleague who seemed to think they could walk in and take over..teasing and bullying, manipulating. And now we have this family member, manipulating the boss to his will and reading all our correspondence so he can benefit from our hard work. I live with the knowledge that i could work hard on something and someone will say i can´t get paid, because they want to take from me.

    Leave? well, id have to start again from scratch with no savings. No one has sympathy for my situation, its hard times at the moment and people are unemployed, there is always a reason not to pay me or to pay me less. Other companies are at least as bad from what i hear but it feels more and more like i have to leave because the family member wants me to and makes life difficult for me.

    My relationship with my sister has always been tenuous. We got on fine but i knew it was only because i was amenable. Whenever she has come to stay she never pays for much..and leaves that to the parents or me. Now she also has a child but the ritual has continued and no one said anything, i brought it up with my parents and they know but have not confronted her. Last time she came, she borrowed clothes because it was a long time, i got them back with one torn, the other not washed and some things she just takes with her. She left me (hahaha like the nursery rhyme) 3x bags full of charity clothes dumped in my office that she had bought while she was here and said i could take them or bring them back to the charity shop. This is what i fell out with her over. This casual entitlement and selfishness. I was fed up with her behaviour and my parents say nothing. I told her i dont make much money and in fact, she is doing quite well with her partner.

    I know my sister thinks because i live near our parents that, they will take care of things for me and to a certain extent if im in trouble that would be true. But i am responsible for myself and have worked hard. I have not had a holiday like she gets every time she comes over, in years and years. And she makes us pay.

    This is her mental hangover from childhood. Feeling that she was loved less and telling everyone around her it is like that. When i would speak to her, she would never ask how i was but talk endlessly about what she was doing and what she wanted. If i said i was having a hard time, she would shut down and i wouldnt hear from her..I once stayed over with her, we were drinking a lot and i started crying about an ex, saying how i felt so terrible i didnt want to go on (yes, i always got depressed after a breakup). She took my to a psychologist she knew and that woman said basically that i should not drink and that i should feel bad that i had upset my sister. I knew after that, i could never count on her for comfort or to confide in..its not that she doesnt have sympathy i think, she just can´t be there for anyone else. I felt really lonely after that but had to find something within myself to comfort the lack of support.

    She now uses her child to manipulate my parents. Since she became a mother she has wanted a lot of contact with them, frequent calls to talk about what she is doing, its normal to feel a craving to connect when you become a mother. However, my parents complained lately… they never see the grandchild or the partner, just her talking about herself. I dont think they understand her need for attention from them stems from long ago. Having children is kind of an extension of yourself..so every praise and every moment is reflected back on her, i think she has really enjoyed that.

    She never had less than me as a child, she had as much attention as me, she chose to go out more with friends and always argued with our mom. She can be very angry when criticised and will not be told anything. I am not like her, i was the joker of the family and diffused situations with jokes and humor. I was easier to get one with and I got on with our parents, its just that. I feel sad that she is so resentful no matter how much she is given.  But she has had much more success in life; with partners and with work. On many occasions clothes disappear if i left them with her. When she stayed over with her child, her partner had to stay behind to work but planned to visit…in that instance of excitement i saw her true feelings ” we have to rent a place that is at least as good as my sister´s” she demanded of him and he seemed to sigh a bit, i said ” how about anywhere for a start!” but it was clear this was a competition of sorts.

    If this is success in life then why am i so weak? I thought loving people was enough but its really not, you need to manipulate people to get your way it seems, you need to get rid of the competition.  i never learned how and because of that i have struggled all of my life.

    When i met my ex he sort of became my world. I loved everything about his life. It was what i wanted too. He was however, much older..already experienced in many things and he had grown up in the place i was just getting to grips with. It was hard for me and here he was, apparently with everything. I wanted to be there and be the right one but once the physical attraction was over, he criticised the way i worked, how i cooked, my lack of sociability, my family, my friends and that i didnt care for him. I wanted so much to be right but i was just never enough.

    I know he loved me…sadly the only thing i know. We broke up several times but our attractions stayed..our mental connection was still there. I just wasnt the mother, or the housewife or the mediator or any of those things he thought he wanted.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #378630
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    You expressed, as I understand it, that you feel a connection with your ex, a connection that might be fated, coincidences happen that indicate some divine plan for the two of you to be together. You then shared about your sister, a bit about your parents, then back to your ex and the turbulent relationship you had with him. Next, you talked a bit about your ex’s parents and his childhood. You referred to yourself as being “commitment- phobic about marriage”, and you shared about a previous relationship that went downhill after he romantically  proposed to you and you felt “a dreaded sense of responsibility.. such revulsion.. it felt like a sentence.. I felt owned”.

    You then went back to your recent ex, saying that you were still “not into weddings”, that you “wanted a commitment with him”,  but he couldn’t commit to you. You wondered if you were “too cool in showing” your love for him, and because of that, he “kept looking for others to show him” the love you did not show him.  You shared that every day, there is something that reminds you  of him, suggesting again, in my understanding,  that coincidences that happen suggest that the two  of you are meant to  be together: “Can it be a coincidence, I don’t really believe in those anymore”.

    You then shared about your work week and work place: “This bullying manipulating is so toxic and it’s coming from the top down because of greed… Betrayal seems to be the theme of April 2021”. You gave an example of a person “stealing or taking” from you: three years ago, after you made a sale, your boss betrayed you, telling you after the hard work that you did, that she had to give a larger share of the profit to another person who was involved in the sale in a minor way. You are now afraid that the same will happen again, “will they steal from me again with some excuse?… I could work hard on something and someone will say I can’t get paid, because they want to take from me… there is always a reason not to pay me or to pay me less”.

    You then shared about a “teasing and bullying, manipulating” new colleague and another person, “this family member” doing the same, then back to your sister, you shared that your relationship with her was always tenuous, that when she visits she “never pays for much”, leaving the paying to your parents or you, even though she and her partner (and child) have way more money than you do. She borrowed clothes from you and returned them torn, that she is selfish and feels entitled and that you are fed up with her behavior.

    You shared that as a child, you were “the joker of the family and diffused situations with jokes and humor”. You then shared about your recent ex who became your world, and who criticized the following: “the way I worked, how I cooked, my lack  of sociability, my family, my friends, and that I didn’t care for him.. I was just never enough.. I know he loved me”.

    anita

     

    #378662
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I dont know what happened but the last 3 posts i made were repeating because it did not seem to save since your post of 11:54pm 22 April. Now i see them all apppearing so it sounds very repetitive.

    Your thoughts that i was in fact the jealous one growing up don´t ring true to me at all. I can only tell you what i felt but of course, without the other people you would never get a full picture.

    I told you my examples with my sister because you asked.  She is very self involved by example of her behaviour i think. Yes i think i would like her life. So perhaps i am jealous of her. But that makes it even more galling that she should feel resentment at me. I have nothing to be jealous of. Yes she said that she found my relationship with my parents was unhealthy, i think she meant at one time i spent a lot of time with them….but she lives in a different world. Its not the same where i am and its easy to judge looking in. A lot of my foreign friends left…because they couldnt find work they liked or meet guys..its that simple. Because of my family being here i had more support and now i can´t afford to move because income is low where i am.

    The workplace issues seem to have come up in my writing because obviously they are a big part of my life…that is being torn to shreds by a manipulative person, this family member who is taking over the business. It hurts…i am processing the feelings that i have to just walk away, accept defeat and have nothing to show for the many hours of extra work i put in early on when the business was small, the ideas i had were not even considered, i am a nothing to them and colleagues have agreed this is the case. The family member joined us just as the business turned and became successful.

    I know, this generation says ” you were stupid to offer extra from yourself…you are the loser” but i dont believe that. I believe that karma will come for those who hurt and deliberately betray others for their own gain. I have to believe this to not just give up altogether.

    Am i jealous of other people now? SURE! i wish i had money, job security,  i wish i had someone who loved me, i wish i had autonomy and that people respected me, i wish that i could go out and not feel like people are constantly out to get me. I have no idea what its like to feel secure in my life…to build a family with someone is just way beyond me. I wouldnt trust them now…it just wont be as lovely and as innocent as some women´s experience of love.

    I didnt feel that way when i was a kid and when i was young. But what lasts is that i mostly got burned by people i trusted or loved. Even walking on the street sometimes people will start laughing as i approach them so that i go to look in the mirror what is wrong…there is never anything there. I must have a funny looking expression or something. But i was always told by my mother and by other women i knew, friends and strangers, that people were jealous of the way i looked…guys have always said i looked good in the past…its all i can go on.Maybe they were lying?

    Im not bragging because if anything, id say beautiful women are the most unhappy because so much is put on them. You are expected to be MORE humble, MORE kind etc. You get kicked harder if you do anything people dont like. And certainly, in a foreign country i feel that i am targeted a lot because women here are very jealous and possessive. They don´t like foreign women at all. men think you are good for one thing. And that has certainly been the case for me. Ive been treated as an object by at least one boyfriend. And no guy has ever approached me here to ask me out….only my ex.. the only one.

    I feel its a taboo. To say that. People think you are lucky. They don´t know that you are walking around with pills in your pocket to make you feel you have a way out if it gets too bad…i did that years ago, when i first arrived here. I thought, if anything hurt too much, id have a way out and it made me feel better. I know i looked much prettier then but i was really starving thin too because i was suffering…guys like that model look, my ex did, they have no idea and dont care if you are ill.

    Trying to turn my way of thinking around seems like an impossible task. Im here in my misery and thats it. I can´t change that people dont want to talk to me offhand. I cant change that i am still shy and dont go out enough. I cant change what happened to me. I thought i could start by not thinking constantly about my ex but as i said….he was the only guy to notice me and make the effort to know me and i really mean that. How can i believe that other guys may have noticed me but been too scared to approach me? What if they just didnt notice me? What if i am just too messed up for anyone to like me and stay?

     

     

     

     

     

    #378677
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    You shared that when you were a child and a young woman, you were not jealous of anyone, but now you are jealous: “Am I jealous of other people now? SURE! I wish I had money, job security, I wish I had someone who loved me, I wish I had autonomy and that people respected me”-

    – I wish those things for you too.

    “I wish that I could go out and not feel like people are constantly out to get me”- I understand that your workplace is very competitive and that co-workers may be bulling you, being unfair to you. I think that it is unlikely that people everywhere “are constantly out to get (you)”.

    “Even walking on the street sometimes people will start laughing as I approach them so that I go to look in the mirror what is wrong…there is never anything there. I must have a funny looking expression or something”- Question #1: do you mean that when you walk on the street, stranger make fun at you (sometimes, often.. or always)?

    “in a foreign country I feel that I am targeted a lot because women here are very jealous and possessive… no guy has ever approached me here to ask me out….only my ex.. the only one… he was the only guy to notice me”- Question #2: you say that you do not have money, or job security, and that men do not notice you- so what are women jealous of you for?

    “What if I am just too messed up for anyone to like me and stay?”-Question #3: how are you “too messed up”?

    I am trying to understand, this is why  I am asking you questions.

    anita

    #378686
    sossi
    Participant

    Q1: Strangers do make fun of me sometimes. It feels like it is fairly often to me but i am perhaps more sensitive than others to even think about it. My mom used to say its because i was good looking, other people have seconded this later and guys definitely told me that. So i started to feel (because it is usually women) that they were jealous of the way i looked. But the comments of course are varied…yesterday a woman stepped out of her apartment building on the phone and started laughing loudly saying “oh! you should see the scene out here today!” i mean, i was the only person there and what am i supposed to think. Its rude and clearly meant to make me feel bad although she doesnt know i understand her language.  Sometimes my neighbours talk about me when im out on my balcony. But when i was younger and prettier i used to get a LOT of negativity from other women i didnt know. As i said, the women here are very jealous, there is a distinct difference to how im treated as a woman to for instance a man because ive observed it. This partly creates my isolation. You feel unliked and unwelcome.

    Q2: I dont really know if men notice me here because no one approaches me. at my work ive worked with a few different guys and they may have found me pretty initially but after that usually there is some tension. Something about men finding you attractive brings out major sexism in the workplace. Men stare from a distance and may comment with each other and laugh but thats about it. As i said, you feel very isolated when it seems people talk about you but never say hi. I dont look like the women here, they are latin and i am more germanic looking, so i will always look like a tourist to them. The tourists of course are not here to see more people like them, the guys are interested in those other women, not me.

    Q3: I think im messed up by my negative experiences that have made me insecure and worried no one can love me. If someone is attracted to my outside they don´t seem to like who i actually am. The arguments start when i won´t go out more because i am quieter and introverted. I often dread meeting the family because with two previous boyfriends they were a whole lot of work. Not with my ex. If i look for a pattern with boyfriends im not sure what it is they dont like.  Maybe i lack the mothering nature. I look at other people and see that often it is the children born within 2-3 years that are part of that bond. I realised i didnt want any and felt nothing for the idea of being a mother.. but i also had an abortion. Another taboo subject. I didnt think it would affect me but it does now. At the time i was with my ex and unemployed, i really panicked. I didnt like the physical feeling, i felt very uncomfortable and i was terrified of that loss of control, the weight of the responsibility. And then his reaction: he was elated, celebrating it but i remembered he had previously told me he left the mother of his one child because he was jealous of the attention she gave the baby

    …i panicked and thought, “i dont want to be a single mother, broke and struggling” i could hardly take care of myself and knew the years ahead would be tough. The whole process was awful..long and drawn out, i suffered physically a lot. He was quiet and i think we should have talked more but life got in the way.

    I think my insecurities about interactions with other people are also to blame as boyfriends cant help me or cant relate to my problems. And they turn into issues for them as well. My way of coping with problems is to retreat into myself because of this..ive always felt i had to be self reliant and i gain strength when i am alone as opposed to being surrounded by friends. I know that is not the case for others. Maybe i feel like i am fighting a war and i have to be stronger, so i am more tense…prepared for a fight all the time.

    #378700
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    You shared that while unemployed and in a relationship with the man we are discussing, you got pregnant. He was “elated, celebrating it”, but you panicked: “I really panicked. I didn’t like the physical feeling. I felt very uncomfortable, and I was terrified of that loss of control, the weight of the responsibility”, imagining that the man will not stay with you and you will become “a single mother, broke and struggling”. You then got an abortion, a “whole process (that) was awful.. long and drawn out, I suffered physically a lot”-

    – I am sorry to read about this suffering that you shared about today.

    To a lighter matter, perhaps, you gave an example of being made fun of on the street: “yesterday a woman stepped out of her apartment building on the phone and started laughing loudly saying ‘oh! you should see the scene out here today!'”. Because you were the only person on the street at that time, you figured she was referring to you being a scene. You also shard: “the women here, they are Latin and I am more Germanic looking”.

    I am trying to figure out why a woman would react the way she did to seeing you, a stranger walking on the street: did you, or do you dress in a way that is unusual, or that attracts a lot of attention?

    anita

    #378726
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    I dont dress provocatively or sloppily or anything crazy. Today i was actually wearing something similar to the woman who was reacting…leggings, a t shirt. It just happens a lot to me. There is no mistaking people´s actions and all you can do is ignore it but its hard to ignore when it happens so often. When you are alone and live alone, i think you are vunerable to this..if i was preoccupied with my partner, children etc, i wouldnt care if someone pointed and laughed at my hair, nose or whatever….but it is emphasised because when i step out the house i am always alone and humans are predators.

    I know you are probably thinking, this person is suffering from schizophrenia. But i am always questioning what has happened to me, only for it to be confirmed later.

    When i was out with my ex i noticed people would really stare at us. Strange women would come sidling up to him trying to get his attention…i always thought it was insane how outrageous some people were. I think i was so happy around him that they wanted some of it to rub off on them…literally. He emitted a warm friendly energy and people gravitated towards him. Ive never met someone so magnetic like that. But the downside was…there were always older women hanging around like lost schoolgirls. They would come looking for him at his work, stop him in the street…and their eyes would not leave his face as he held my hand. He would introduce me and they would coldly smile and then return to stare at him…it was insane. So i was always aware that people were after him.

    For some reason today i have been struggling a lot today. I am exhausted. I feel like im on the edge of collapse, like my mind will burn out. im fighting to not obsess about all this but it wont go away. I cant focus properly on anything..i feel its defeating me. I had one moment today when my heart was beating really hard and i had to sit down and take deep breaths. I´m worse during the day, the evening i seem better, but i wake up in the morning and it starts again.

    When my ex first cheated on me i  at least got something positive from the woman he was with then.. at the time i became obsessed to know what she was like, i wanted to know what he was attracted to and of course, she was living my old life. I thought perhaps she was more, better somehow..it was irrational.  I looked her up online, trying to find clues of what he liked. She did tarot readings and i started watching my sign. Now years later im hooked on it.

    Now, when im fighting the negative feelings, suffering by what my mind picks up on, i watch tarot readings and usually something delivers a message that finally makes me more peaceful. This works better for me than listening to music, which i find makes me feel too much and i get depressed. I have a need to rationalize everything until its no longer there. I need to hear what people think.

    Today i watched a reading (i dont pay for them, they are just what appear online) that was exactly the things i have said to you, it really was accurate. And her overall message was, “this is hurting you but he´s not thinking of you, move on”

    ..i felt briefly, yes, i can let go …but i know the next day i can flip back the other way strongly and be under the impression that he misses me secretly, that he will realise he got the wrong woman..that he is in denial or any other combination…its sad and stupid i know. This is why i can´t figure out how to get rid of this.

    One more positive thing after listening to that reading was (although its also negative) that i was starting to feel like actually, i could feel sorry for the woman who has him now. After my early feelings of rage and anger that were frightening me, its welcome to not care so much. There is no doubt in my mind, he is flirting with other women still and maybe even sleeping with someone…he already said she was jealous, so she will have terrible fights with him and doubt herself. He will refuse things she wants to do. Maybe he will pick on some insecurity. I saw her photo and i can imagine that she may be vunerable, no matter what she projects. He has that talent. That is how it was with me and i dont believe that will change.

    The tarot reader also said ” this person doesn’t pick strong women, he is looking for weakness in people to exploit”. that’s possibly true. But if you met him you would be fooled too. Im a contradiction because while i write this i know, if he said it was a terrible mistake and was convincing…i´d probably go back. Its an addictive attraction.

    Ive had moments before where i just believe. This is it. This is all you are getting in life.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #378734
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I will read and reply to you in about 14 hours from now. Feel free to post before I return, anytime you want to express yourself.

    anita

     

    #378771
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    It is my understanding that you perceive people in your every day life to be predatory (“humans are predators”) when it is probably not the case most of the time.

    I understand that your workplace is competitive and that there really may be some bullying and unfair practices taking place there, but I do not believe that the moment you step  out of your home, you are encountered with predators (“I step out of the house I am always alone and humans are predators”).

    “I feel that I am targeted a lot because women here are very jealous and possessive… yesterday, a woman stepped out of her apartment building on the phone and started laughing loudly saying ‘oh! you should see the scene out here today!.. (she) meant to make me feel bad.. Sometimes my neighbours talk about me when I’m out on my balcony… When I was out with my ex, I noticed people would really stare at us. Strange women would come sliding up to him trying to get his attention.. I think I was so happy around him, that they wanted some of it to rub off on him”-

    – reads to me that you imagine that you are the center of attention wherever you go, that people, particularly women focus their attention on you, talking about you, feeling jealous of you, especially if they see you happy, and that they purposefully go about trying to take away from you whatever it is that made you happy.

    Wikipedia has an entry on paranoid personality disorder that reads that it is “a mental illness characterized by paranoid delusions, and a pervasive, long-standing suspiciousness and generalized mistrust of others”, that people suffering from this disorder are “hypersensitive, easily insulted, and habitually relate to the world by vigilant scanning of the environment… They think they are in danger and look for signs and threats of that danger.. not appreciating other interpretations or evidence“.

    Here is an example of “other interpretations or evidence”. You described the incident when you were walking on the street and you saw a woman on her phone, saying something about a scene: “you should see the scene out here today!”. Your first, immediate interpretation was that she was referring to you as some kind of an undesirable scene, and that she was trying to hurt you.

    But the first, immediate interpretation we form about what is happening in our environment, is not always the only interpretation or the correct interpretation. In this example, maybe the woman was referring to a scene in a movie she watched, and you misheard some of what she said to mean that she was referring to you. She may have not been talking about you at all. If you listened further to what she was saying on the phone, maybe you would have heard her talking about a movie, and that would have provided you with evidence in favor of a second, different, accurate interpretation.

    anita

    #378783
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think i do suffer from paranoia quite a bit. But its a lack of confidence and also living alone that can make you that way.

    I think im exaggerating saying “predators” but that is how it feels lately as a result of my experiences:My ex taking advantage of my lack of knowledge, abusing me & My employer taking advantage of my lack of options, abusing me. The latest thing being this family member getting his way with the company, abusing his position to make money..its so frustrating, i dream of karma doing its thing…but i have no power down on earth, im frustrated that after all these years..im no further.

    Ive learnt to be careful what i say to friends but sometimes i find it hard to hold back. I share too much and felt betrayed by one person at work. but i understand also that it comes down to money, to survival. This stupid power play.

    Sometimes women are crueler to each other to get things they want. This woman coming after my boyfriend for instance when she knew he was attached. He is more to blame i know but i know for sure, she didnt mind. In this culture or perhaps even in this age…people want what they want and dont think about consequences as much as i do. A former colleague of mine shared that a friend of hers was having an affair with a married man, i felt disgusted, she said something along the lines of “why not? life is short”. Are we to think of ourselves as winners and losers? I can´t bring myself to do that…in my mind would be the suffering of their hidden partner.

    To say i feel im the centre of attention, yes maybe but in a negative way like you said. I dont always feel that way. But i dont know how to ignore these experiences…they are just there.

    I think sometimes, there is no mystery..im just lonely, bored and i think of my ex because my life is empty. If i had to only believe that i would not want to go on.

    Other times i feel there is some spark there, we connected. We were on a wavelength that meant i could think of him and the phone would ring. But now he is out of my life. Its gone. And since then, the people i have met, havent made me feel the same way. Its a simple and as sad as that.

    I used to be a journalist for a brief time, it paid awful so in the end i had to find a salary job that i am doing now. It was exciting because it was demanding but it burned my out a lot…i wonder if i am addicted to the excitement. Now, i notice my brain just won´t quite light up…im not inspired by life much and  am too tired to do more. My ex used to inspire me and make me want to be more creative.

    As i said, yesterday i went through some emotions..my free time is taken up with this baggage. I think today ive been exhausted because of that. I dont want to live like this anymore. Who wants to be struggling to let emotions out and then fighting to keep them in? Is it his fault or did i somehow do it to myself?

    Ultimately..i want to find someone new attractive, i want to be confident enough for someone to like me for myself. But i dont think i believe it. I went through a phase once some years ago thinking that all my boyfriends left me for a blonde. And its true! And then, the other day my mom came out and said ” your ex always said he wanted to be with a blonde” and i thought, why is she telling me that…isnt that hurtful? I didnt bring the subject up, she came out with it and i wondered why. I assumed that my parents had seen him lately..and it could have been my dad´s encounter that i talked about. I feel they know about him since me but its a smallish place so they are likely to see people from time to time.

    His girlfriend is blonde but it is dyed blonde. Another former ex who i loved very much, married a blonde women the moment he was free after our relationship ended…another guy i had a crush on married a blonde. something about that haircolour makes men want to marry them!

     

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