April 26, 2021 at 3:13 pm #378787
“I wonder if I am addicted to the excitement”- I think so, I noticed it earlier. You shared that you don’t want to take psychiatric medication (anti-depressants, and/ or mood regulators) because such medication make you feel numb/ no excitement at all, but I think that the correct prescription by a competent psychiatrist, will help you a lot with your overthinking, much of it, like you stated in your recent post, is paranoid thinking (“I think I do suffer from paranoia quite a bit”).
anitaApril 28, 2021 at 11:00 am #378863
Some interesting things happened with this April supermoon. guess what? Karma DID pay a visit to the manipulative colleague and his big prize deal that had gazumped a good client of mine came falling down around him. On the one hand, I asked for it and it happened, On the other hand, I was still angry because once again, we would have to explain another turn of events to my client and I worried about losing their trust. This is the hard-nosed business that perhaps I knew would fall apart. The greed of my boss to have a bigger result has ended in humble pie for them both. Do I think they will apologise for almost destroying my relationship with a client? that I had to salvage to get a sale for their pockets? of course not, they will brush it under the carpet.
That made me think also about another situation, as since I found out about my ex´s true situation…that made me so upset and angry, the area in which he lives has gone back into a strict lockdown…not where i live… just his town. Another karmic event. perhaps not quite as aggressive as i had wished in my head but certainly a huge inconvenience for him and probably her as they likely can´t see each other for a while. I didnt have to lift a finger, no drama and no revenge, karma did it for me.
I hate to say it but these kind of things have happened to me before, when people have REALLY made me angry, something always happens around them and i don´t have to do anything. It makes me feel better of course like there is some justice in the world.
I think i said before that since it finished with my ex my life became very plain and boring. I work and work and there is no real other life. I never went out for dinner again, never went to parties, never travelled anywhere..i dont have money for these things. I dont want to blame myself for this and i dont feel sorry for myself. I just think ive had a very hard time, ive had to swallow my pride and ive had to be very humble, i accepted this is a kind of fate…if a guy was meant to come along and sweep me off my feet he would, it hasnt happened. I just get on with things, i dont try and trip anyone up, be rude and demeaning or steal from others…I just try to find moments every day. But life is not like it used to be when i had big plans, big dreams and a big future.
So if my mind struggles with this i forgive myself. If people laugh at me on the street because i look different, its on them. If my colleagues want to know what i am up to and are being nosy, maybe they should be kinder. If my ex wanted friendship he would have given it by now. I understand all of this. In my head maybe i dream up other things because the plain truth isn´t so pretty.
Ive always had a good imagination and have managed to entertain myself through worse times than this pandemic. I always think of myself as strong, stronger than some people around me who have never had to struggle with anything language, culture and people who would rather not deal with you. But perhaps now back to work….i have felt very much like the family member at work is trying to make me leave by making everything difficult for me (which is a high probability not delusion) and by undermining me and not sharing information or asking my opinion. Lets face it, most people would find this awful.
Not to mention the news i had from my ex.
So lately, i felt a sense of panic, today i was trying to stay calm before going to work and my heart was hammering, because im scared of not having enough money, worry…which is my default setting and depression because of my lack of love in my life and lack of knowing what this is all going towards. Yes, maybe im addicted to the excitement of something, anything happening that can take that heavy burden off my shoulders.
I know its a lot of introspection for most people to deal with. Im very dark and intense to deal with. I reckon most people have a dip in their mood, then just look for positives to come out of the hole, but im the kind of person who really wants to look around before i come out to understand it. Its always been this way for me.
I always thought it was better i was going through the waves of the emotions and exploring the dark corners before emerging stronger and calmer again..this could take a day or two…but these latest developments really have pushed my stability.
I fear stepping out of my job into the unknown (self employment or something else), i fear letting go of my ex and what i knew towards someone new (taking a leap of faith AGAIN). Its kind of what someone said to me fairly recently, he felt i was so afraid of everything. But saying that doesn’t heal you it makes you feel isolated.April 28, 2021 at 12:54 pm #378867
I don’t think that the area where your ex and his girlfriend live was placed under lockdown because the two of them wronged you and you are therefore angry at them, but because the number of Covid cases in that area went up.
It’s not only the two people you are angry with who are living in that area, but a lot of people you don’t know, some of them are good people. If you think of karma as justice, then it wouldn’t be justice to punish all those other people, including good people, for what was done to you by just two people (your ex and his girlfriend), would it?
You wrote that lately you felt “a sense of panic”, because you are scared of not having enough money, and you feel depressed because of lack of love in your life. “maybe I’m addicted to the excitement, anything happening that can take that heavy burden off my shoulders”, you wrote-
– when I was depressed what I wanted was to no longer be be depressed, but what you want is more than to not be depressed; you want to be really happy, excited, joyful. Do I understand correctly?
“I’m very dark and intense to deal with.. exploring the dark corners before emerging stronger and calmer again”- if you would like to, when you have the time, please expand on this, I would like to understand better.
anitaApril 29, 2021 at 2:59 pm #378946
Hi Anita, I tried to write again and then kept running out of time.
Everytime i write something down i seem to write about things from a different angle, its not consistent in mood or subject and i think its because my life seems to be in turmoil all the time lately.
Right now its evening so i feel slightly safer, better, calmer. But today was another tricky day for work and that seems to be a rollercoaster for me at the moment of resentment, anger and just…suffering. What can i say, i want to leave so much but i can´t, its a bad time, it was never a good time! And in leaving, i will have lost everything ive worked for over the past 7 years..its just awful and unfair but thats life when you work for other people.
Today, the family member mostly avoided me and whenever i saw him he was slightly menacing/ proprietorial. He kind of mocked my inability to follow the conversation in their language and said something then switched to english saying “isn´t that right Sossi?”. I somehow stayed calm all day, replied without any malice to his questions and was almost laughing to myself at how i could hold it all in, how did i manage not to rip his stupid head off? But no doubt he felt some kind of resentment himself, judging by his behaviour. I know it hurt his ego badly to lose the big prize sale he thought would impress everyone. But it was a fruitless day for me and i need a chance to make some income this month so im very worried.
By the end of the day, i felt really deflated from the lack of anything concrete for me and meanwhile our phones were pinging with news of his getting 2 new sales agreed, lucky for him.
Right at the END of the day when we had all gone home, he sent a public message to me asking with a fairly demanding tone about a property. I wont go into detail but it was particularly aggressive i thought because the owner is very ill in hospital and i am fond of her AND he knows this. So i replied as calmly as i could that it was not the time to ask….i could see that he had intended to call me out in front of all the others instead of asking me directly, which i would do…and instead came across as callous and greedy.And i know its because he felt victorious after a good day so was probably high on adrenalin.
A little bit later he hastily wrote a kind of failed catch of the ball, “i just wanted to know the status etc”. But i know it has not come across very well and possibly infuriated him even more because he can’t seem to get past me or rile me in any way.
The tone of the text has left me feeling sick, furious and crying from frustration that this nasty person is given so much success by my stupid boss. I know she is scared to face us and just doesnt want to hear about it. This particular client is another longstanding customer of mine who has been loyal to our company, my boss knew them before me, thats more than 7 years ago.
This has really kind of eclipsed my feelings about my ex today. It seems im surrounded by everything negative, it feels like they are trying to destroy me.
Maybe now it seems more apparent…that thinking about my ex is a kind of escape at the moment when i dont feel strong. I didnt see it that way when his news hurt me but now i do. I know that with previous times having good news or really bad news…i want to talk to him. Now that feeling is also taboo. So i just feel trapped and frustrated.
I know that i have to speak to my boss about this, AGAIN. But can predict the outcome will be denial and defence of her family.
My colleague told me early this morning she had decided definitely to leave..we have both suffered from the way things are now at the office.
SO….it seems to be, that what i originally wrote for has morphed into something else. For both situations i just want to go and get away from them physically and mentally. Im trying to leave work sensibly, with a plan in place, working with my friend. But the harrassment is hard to take. As for my ex, he seems to show up physically or mentally at times when i feel im getting better..
I think back to how things were before i got to this country. It wasnt so much easier with work, i spent some time unemployed and that was just as frightening. Ive always had a hard time with work and so i get very anxious with this kind of situation.
From depression to joy? I don´t really know what to say. Im not used to excited joy, last time i may have felt that way would have been around my ex…and then never again. years ago.
Dark and intense – well, when i was younger i think i was introverted, shy, creative and sometimes funny. Humor was my way of diffusing situations, it worked with my parents whenever they were intense as my mom can be. I was soft and i think, kind and naive. I dont feel i was aware of myself but other kids were aware of themselves and others. I know that other kids may have wished they had a different situation or life (my sister too) but i didnt have that feeling, i just accepted what was and felt it was enough. When i look back, i feel that is kind of zen, that i grounded myself strongly in my own sense, and that has helped me later in life when i am dealing with crap alone. My time alone is important to me, and is my kind of meditation which helps me to deal with the outside world. I learnt how to comfort myself.
I see how for other people that is not the case. They look for outside stimulus to keep themselves happy, they are always looking for a solution to their loneliness, even in a relationship. I guess i can be thankful i have this.
At the moment i have found it very hard to focus though, all these things wearing me down. But the feelings i felt very strongly about my ex are slowly subsiding and going away. I think, i hope, that with the beginning of May there will be a better view on the horizon.April 29, 2021 at 3:52 pm #378948
I read just a bit of your recent post, and it’s good to read that an hour ago, evening your time, you felt safer, better, calmer. I hope you still do and that you have a restful night. I will read the rest of your post and reply in about 15 hours from now.
anitaApril 30, 2021 at 10:14 am #378979
I wish your life was way easier than it is, how wonderful it would be if you had a calm working environment!
You shared about your childhood: “other kids may have wished they had a different situation or life (my sister too) but I didn’t have that feeling, I just accepted what was and I felt it was enough.. kind of zen”- well, that Zen has been lost to you for quite some time. I am guessing you miss your childhood very much, wishing you could go back and re-live it (?)
anitaMay 2, 2021 at 9:44 am #379064
Nothing has turned a corner yet, im feeling either tired or angry most of the time, the anger keeps me going without which i just fall back into depression. I realise that i can never get away from thoughts of my ex, he is part of the wallpaper in there. And at work things just continue to shoot bullets so they ricochet around the room. I feel like im watching a desperate struggle for power from this family member, its a bit insane.
My colleague had a fight with him the other day and he started playing victim …its plain by the actions that he is just greedy, he wants all the money, all the power and is highly controlling. im tired of the games.
Ive avoided contact as much as possible but it will be hard to do.
I don´t miss my childhood, i miss my adulthood! i wonder so much why im so bad at this. I have not had success in any area of my life. Ive needed financial support from my family without which i would just drown. Ive worked so hard to build something up but somehow im paid just enough to live. Its hopeless.
I guess it means that i can´t take care of myself…at all. Even if i try. For most women i know, they get married and then some of the weight and responsibility is shared, life is easier if you are in a partnership for sure, financially but also emotionally. But im also aware, if not just from my failed attempts, that sometimes the stress is just not worth it and there is no guarantee that your other half will want to take care of you in the same way. That was my situation in at least 3 relationships, so maybe i came across as too independent.
My childhood was more carefree yes. I had a lot of freedom and i was in a secure home. No physical abuse. But my mother was depressive and certainly in my teens i remember spending hours sorting out her problems with her. I think i believed in my early teens that i could fix these things. She must have felt very alone herself but is also a very complicated and demanding person. My dad travelled a lot so effectively we were raised without him around much. My sister was also out most of the time, avoiding the family and sulky when she was at home. I felt like she didnt like being around and judging by little comments later in her life, that would be correct. I also took my councelling hat to school with me and when people needed to talk i found it interesting to learn about how they thought about things, trying to iron out the problems and find a solution. My mind is always searching to understand the intentions of other people.
My ex reminded me of my mother a lot. They were very similar in character…easygoing and playful and then able to be sharply unfair or unkind, both Air signs.May 2, 2021 at 11:09 am #379070
“My childhood was more care free… I remember spending hours sorting out (mother’s) problems with her… She.. is also a very complicated and demanding person… able to sharply (be) unfair or unkind”-
– this does not sound like a care-free childhood at all, where you were treated from time to time unfairly or unkindly by a demanding mother. Was it?
anitaMay 3, 2021 at 4:16 pm #379145
I think it was a largely carefree childhood but i certainly noticed the similarities between my ex and my mom. Ive met lots of people who blame things that have happened to them on their parents, their upbringing and things that happened out of their control. I think i feel my childhood was great because ive heard stories from other people i knew and they were so much worse.
But i have still got a mother who is pretty unsatisfied with what she has, and in my eyes she has had it fairly good. Certainly compared to her daughters, as my sister and i have both struggled with money. My sister is now doing better as she has a partner and they have been able to build up their own business..but its not been as fortunate as i think my parents had it. Part of the boomer generation stereotype, they sometimes dont understand why its so hard for us. But circumstances have changed.
My mom has gotten somewhat worse in her self-righteousness with older age. My father is obsessive with her, totally focussed on her well-being. But this makes her grouchy and irritable. She says hes driving her nuts. He has always been like this though in later life without work, his focus is now just her. Ive always thought that was creepy and weird. They are always together, which sounds nice but i wouldn’t want it like that. I know my mom would like to do her own thing sometimes but she also plays the victim, and gets him to do most things for her. So the complaining is just part of a game really.
My ex said when he left me that he didn’t want to end up like them, but neither did i. He seemed to resent my dad´s straight laced approach to life, more of a salary man than my ex who was an entrepreneur. I know my dad didnt really like his loose concept of right and wrong, certainly in regards to me. My ex always got on very well with my mom but he was able to charm most women, but he didnt like her bullying way with me.
Listening to myself im already bored with how dull my life sounds. I know what it looks like to others. I wish i had a fantastic social life and felt upbeat all the time and had a bunch of kids and looked and felt “normal”. But i know i dont look and feel normal.
Today my back and hips have been killing me and this chronic pain is something ive never experienced before in my life. It makes me depressed and tearful. The pain is dull like period pain but strong and constant in my hip joints and lower back. Sometimes i feel sick. Sometimes the pain ive felt from missing my ex has been similar to this. So this feels like a punishment of some kind, for not being brave, or moving on or something. I know im sounding irrational and i have to be patient, i think i overdid some exercises and its set something off i dont know what…but its scary to think this could get worse..i suddenly understand how people became hooked on painkillers ..Im not taking anything, ill try to improve with exercise.May 3, 2021 at 5:11 pm #379148
About the strong and constant pain in your hip joints and lower back- besides going to a doctor for X-rays to start with, try to stretch very slowly (see online for gentle lower back and hip stretching position). As you slowly begin a stretch, pay attention: if your pain increases, stop the stretch. Here is a non-stretch position that does wonders for a lot of people with significant lower back pain: lie flat on the floor with your legs up 45 degrees against the wall for about 20 minutes.
“I feel my childhood was great because I’ve heard stories from other people I knew and they were so much worse”- some people who would hear your childhood story will think that you had it much worse than them. Other people’s childhoods are of no relevance to your experience of your childhood and how it affects you now.
“My ex.. didn’t like her bullying way with me”- your mother bullied you. I didn’t know that. How?
“How dull my life sounds”- your life doesn’t sound dull to me.
“I wish I .. felt upbeat all the time”- you mean you wish you were a fantasy character in a fictional story, one who is upbeat (full of hope, happiness, and good feelings) all the time?
anitaMay 4, 2021 at 3:10 am #379170
Hi Anita, Thank you for the tip for back pain, im fairly sure i overextended due to doing some leg exercise a bit too much. Big mistake as i have been suffering the consequences. I really feel like an old woman with this back problem…of all the things but im too young for that. I did go to the hospital had a check up and they think its facet joint pain..their solution was to give me an injection of steroids to see if that alleviated the pain, then they would know for sure…im not keen to do that though.
Well, about bullying..my ex had a grown son, and when he met my mom he told his dad that she wasn´t very kind to me. I think what he was referring to was the teasing that my mom liked to do. For example it was usual that when i had a boyfriend over and i was making something in the kitchen my mom would tease me and the boyfriend (as it happened with more than one boyfriend) would join in. In this instance i had made dinner for his family (i was extremely stressed because it was not typical for me to cook for so many people) and likely my mom was teasing again. This would be seen as a sort of bonding experience for them at my expense. It seemed innocent to me but looking back i can see that maybe there was something else there.
Since i was with my ex for some years he would hear me complain about my mom´s unreasonable behaviour whenever she was acting up and would also see it for himself time to time and i think he concluded that she was a difficult person. but i know he also liked her as they were similarly sharp and could bounce off each other. Since we had broken up, i had called him once out of desperation as my sister and parents had caused a rift and i couldnt handle their behaviour..i felt i was going to have to just leave them behind. It was typical for my sister to visit, build up a tension between her and my mother, cause a fight and then take her flight home and forget about us for a while..leaving me with the pieces. The only person i felt i could talk to was him, since he knew me a long time and my family problems.
I feel im rambling on and can´t structure my thoughts at the moment.
About feeling upbeat- im so used to my downward looking depressive nature but would like to be more hopeful. I think the influence of my mom has always been depressive. I have a friend who said she didnt think she had ever been depressed. She can get angry and upset but she doesnt ever seem to stay in a low mood. I have times lately where i just want to stay in bed all day.May 4, 2021 at 8:23 am #379178
“I did go to the hospital had a check up and they think it’s facet joint pain”-
– lumbar means relating to the lower part of the back, lumbar pain therefore means lower back pain. A joint is a point where two bones connect. Between and behind each two spinal column bones (vertebrae), except in the neck, there are two small joints called facet joints. Facet joints are encased with facet joint capsules, which contain fluid that protects and lubricates the joints.
in spine health. com, it reads that a lumbar facet joint disorder most commonly cause lower back pain which is characterized by a localized ache with some degree of stiffness. This pain is usually worse in the morning or after periods of inactivity.
As I understand it, if one facet joint in a pair is affected, you will feel pain on one side of your lower back. If the two facet joints of the pair are affected, you will feel pain on both sides of your lower back. If more than one pair of facet joints is affected, and/or if nerve cells are compressed or irritated, pain will travel to other areas of the body.
If nerve cells are compressed or irritated within the affected pair of facet joints, a shooting pain called sciatica can travel and radiate into the buttocks, thigh, leg and/ or foot. If nerve cells are irritated near the affected facet joints, a dull pain (referred pain) will travel away from the affected facet joints to the buttocks, hips and/or knees.
I suffered too from lower back pain that was worse in the morning and got better after a period of activity. What helped me a whole lot was a lower back exercise that I do every morning, which is to move the pelvis forward twenty times, then in circular motions to the right ten times, then to the left ten times, and back to straight forward ten times.
When my lower back was in pain, I did this exercise more slowly and gently, and only a few times forward, to the right and left. If you try it, start very slowly, pay attention and stop immediately the moment you feel your pain increasing.
It also helps me to to not remain stationary, sitting down for too long, and instead, get up and move around from time to time. Also, I used to over-exercise and hurt myself. I learned that moderation in time and exertion of physical exercise prevents injuries and works very well in the long run. Stretching and that posture with the legs up against the wall that I mentioned, also helped me a lot.
About your mother, you described her as “a very complicated and demanding person”. Growing up, your sister hated being around your mother and avoided her best she could (“My sister was also out most of the time, avoiding the family and sulky when she was at home.. didn’t like being around”), while you stayed home with your mother, spending hours as a teen “sorting out her problems with her”, believing you “could fix these things”. Your mother has been in the habit of bonding with your boyfriends by teasing you in their presence, “sort of bonding experience for them at my expense”, you wrote.
So, your mother repaid the hours you spent trying to help her sort out her problems by bonding with your boyfriends at the time against you, making belittling comments about you to the boyfriends, in your presence. Do you have examples of what she said, her tone of voice, facial expressions or other behaviors when teasing you in the company of ex-boyfriends/ other people?
anitaMay 5, 2021 at 2:48 pm #379239
I think my lumbar pain has been localised on one side …this has been something that flared up last winter..i really think it was me doing too much lifting of heavy things by myself. Its hard to avoid computer work for hours on end, but i try to get up and move around..In fact i just had to change my job to accomodate this problem. I used to sit in the office 5 days a week glued to the desk and i knew i couldnt do it anymore, not mentally (with my combative and non communicative management) and not physically because of this..its like it made the decision for me! Im now a sales agent, so i can do most of my work from home but have much less income security on commission. It seems like a nuts decision in this market but i just couldnt do it anymore.
im also worried because when i was a teenager i had a serious traffic accident and my hip/s was fractured (i dont know for sure but not enough for surgery they said) I was about 16 and was under concussion, couldnt remember the accident. After this i remember i had back problems (shoulder and neck pain) years after, at different times in my life..i never really put it all together. I have only a file of papers that described my injuries generally but i may have to call up a hospital if i want to find out exactly what they were.
Regardless of that, many YEARS later, i now have a lower back problem that when it flares up…my hip joints and lower back are just awful, its hard to describe but its like a burning aching like fire and no position seemed to ease it. Its calmed down today a bit more so that has only been 2 intense days thankfully. I had been visiting a chiropracter but it was not improving…just a day or two after visiting them, i would have back ache again but nothing major. I stopped going because although he helped alignment of the spine it was really expensive and then i had experienced a lapse when i couldnt walk for a week…i decided to stop and just recover at home.
This time, i think i overdid my exercise routine, doing some leg lifts (only incremental movements) which means the hip joints are stretched. I dont really know which specialist to see anymore. A friend said see an osteopath maybe worth a try or back to the chiro.
On the subject of my mother, i think i have a hard time crystalizing and clearly viewing what the problems are. At times we bond well in certain ways but in many others she had a lack of understanding, empathy and seemingly would turn any event back to focus on her own life and problems. You could start talking about something that was bothering you …and find yourself once again, going over her childhood issues with this friend she used to know, or something about that person or family member etc.
I feel guilt in saying these things too. My parents have done a LOT for me, they´ve had to because for some reason everything has been difficult for me. No one hit me and at times theyve been very supportive saying they can always help. As an older woman now, i have doubts sometimes about my mothers honest intentions and behaviours. Can it be a strange jealousy of her own daughters? This competiveness and need to control that reveals itself in fights where she suddenly asserts, “this is MY home, MY car, MY etc”.
Its age old to me now, im used to it. But i know that my mother puts on a best behaviour around non-family members…which to her includes friends, boyfriends/partners of some years. I think my sister has knowingly and understandingly kept her partner from interacting too much…because of this problem. But in a funny twist, i feel my sister is developing a similar know it all behaviour…
For my parents, i dont know what their issue is with “other” people. But im sure its that they cant control us if we are with someone else. They have a need to be the authority.
So i guess it comes back to failures again, this suits very well…these failures in my life mean they will stay the authority. They have more money than me, a successful relationship, children. I have not. Somehow i feel if suddenly it changed and i met some guy and we had more than them…it would bother them, they would shrink in size maybe. Its sad isnt it, to think you have a sinking feeling of introducing your family…because your mother might end up sulking and/or crying in the bedroom because its not her spotlight?
My parents have only met 2 of my ex boyfriends parents…including this last ex. other times they have ever met “other family” there has been what feels like nuclear fallout from what i hear about it afterwards. My former ex partner´s parents were very different to us socially and my mom really felt instant dislike ….which she still reminds me of to this day, 15 years later. She also had a big problem with my sister´s ex father in law, they seemed to get on at first and then there was an incident at her wedding which was unforgiveable that i never saw. They also instantly dont like my sisters current inlaws because they are living marginally closer to my sister and their grandchild. I think all of this is about control. They feel enormous jealousy.
So with this backdrop in my mind, when my parents met my ex´s parents i was really nervous…to my surprise they seemed OK with each other, no insults thrown by way of the wrong thing said or anything…just..ok. My mom did something really weird though. They were sitting around a table and talking and she suddenly, like a young girl, got up and sat on my dad´s knee as she talked to them and laughed girlishly. As i was there, i thought it was highly bizarre behaviour. No one reacted like anything weird had happened but she had never done that before.
Bearing that in mind, his parents did well just to take it all in their stride. I liked them very much as well. Since nothing horrible happened i thought it was like a miracle.May 5, 2021 at 2:59 pm #379241
I read just a bit of your recent thread and will have to get back to you when I am back to the computer in a few hours.
anitaMay 5, 2021 at 7:40 pm #379251
It sounds like at least in part, you are suffering from strained muscles in your lower back, and from referred pain (pain felt at a site other than where the cause is situated). In addition to X-Rays, I imagine an MRI exam will be helpful.
“Can it be a strange jealousy of her own daughter?.. competitiveness”, you asked regarding your mother. I believe it to be the case because of some of what you shared about her, and because you repeatedly expressed how women are jealous and are competitive with you. I think that your mother really was jealous and competitive and you’ve been projecting her into other women (often inaccurately, I imagine). I will write more about it tomorrow morning, in about 11 hours from now.