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  • #389885
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for asking..you probably wish you hadnt.

    Im having a hard time . Feeling guilt is always part of the whole mess. Now i feel totally awful all the time.

    My parents (mainly my dad) reached out to me recently a few times, to drop off some mail, to leave something of mine (as said previously). Mom came along to that visit with a sheepish look on her face but said nothing about her behaviour. Just same as always. Im always stressed by work and am in no mood to have a fight, so drama continues.

    In the meantime i re-read several times what we had said in our texts that caused all this….and stupidly, because my phone was full…i deleted the conversation since….(subconsciously that could be my way of wiping the memory out, of trying to forgive them as i did similar things with my ex´s messages). Now i cant point it out to them!! so i have no proof of how she wrote to me. But actually…that doesnt matter because my father and sister wont support me or stand up for me…so yeah,

    My dad came around again to check on me the other day as they fully expected me to come for christmas and my mom sent a text message asking if i wanted to come over and do some baking which i didnt respond to….im really struggling with these feelings that i just dont want to feel.being the scapegoat and this denial on their part that anything bad happened.

    My dad has been “in between” but blandly and blankly staring at me as though i should make amends and as though he honestly doesnt know why im acting up..He said ” did you see the text your mom sent you yesterday?” and all i could think was, why was he here managing things for her? pretending that nothing happened. How about Sorry? I honestly think my dad is brainwashed. It was sadly pitiful the way he said its up to me if i want to come over to see them and that i needed “more time”.

    If you understand…these feelings, behaviours and reactions, dont come out of nowhere but have built up over years and years of low level bullying and abuse. I cant get through to him and he refuses to stand up for me. He said they “wished me well” and loved me and that they were there for me if i needed but it was devoid of any emotion whatsoever.. like a handkerchief waving you off. It seemed to me, if i had a gun wound, there was my dad, standing over me saying it was a shame. If i need their help meaning money, there will be a bigger price to pay. That i felt nothing as he said these things to me is perhaps even more shocking as i realised….this has been going on and on for so long. No one cares in fact. Just be good and come for dinner.

    I really believe that my mom´s understanding is that i should take her nasty messages and just keep going. Irrespective of my difficulties in my work and personal life while she can turn and cry dramatically to her husband that everyone is being so unfair to her. Is it really ok for someone to say to me in capital letters, that im a horrible person but that they still love me?

    Following my last visit from my dad over the weekend i felt terrible..but didnt cry, i just felt sick.  I spoke to a friend and she listened but i know, its not something nice or easy to hear. To be honest, culturally i dont think she understood how they could be so cold like that. But there it is, my reality.

    Then the next day i saw my mom had sent an email. The title read “olive branch” and stupidly i felt a little hopeful that it might be salvageable…but reading the first few lines, “your father came home very upset”..(your fault) then skimming further down…i had to stop reading.

    She let out her frustration again: throwing everything at me- im mean to my sister, not supportive of my mom or my father, i was mean about my old school friend (the start of this whole argument- she doesnt care but likes the dramatic news of someone else´s daughter having problems…and i hate gossip) etc etc etc. But that she loved me and hoped to see me at christmas!!! the text is peppered with CAPITAL letters to emphasize her anger. But more stinging is the total disregard to what i have said….”dont send me messages like that”.

    …………

    Im feeling very weak and sick, its hard to wake up and feel so alone. As everything gears up to christmas its the time of year people get flaky, you are the 2nd or 3rd choice if they are not busy, most people around me have children and extended families…i have no 1st choice of my own but im also very introverted and fear the pity and rejection (happens anyway!). And so my mood has been really rollercoasting..one minute i think i can manage this….other times im feeling desperately alone. I know im a strong person but i once again just cant understand why this happens. Why am i dumped on? whether i stand up for myself or not…its actually the same! After months of my sister calling my mom every day it seemed whenever i was there. i asked my dad if they were in touch and he said only once every few weeks! it seems even more proof that jealousy was being stoked by my mom and competition between family. I cant understand why she wouldnt want to foster a loving relationship between sisters? between her and us? its sick and i feel, wrong.

    I hate writing this, ive been literally feeling physically sickened by my life.

    I have a dog that i took on about 2 years now..initially i had seriously wanted to get a dog for years already..then this dog was available and i decided to try. She is very very hard to settle, hard to manage and keep calm. Under the circumstances, it has been the worst match for my own anxiety and stress because she is reactive. And of course i love her and dont want to give up, shes all i have really…but almost ever since i got her, ive thought maybe i should let her go as it has been SO difficult. I dont have a yard but thats not really even it…she needs specialist attention, someone with a large family, plenty of exercise in big fields. I thought hopefully that it could lead to meeting more people but on the contrary…people look warily at me and most of the time their dog either attacks or barks at mine! what are the odds that this would happen right but once again it seems im directed back to being alone. A neighbours dog even hates mine so much that if i jangle my keys it barks. My dog´s barking has become a real issue..but i cant keep her calm. I just feel like giving up.

    #389013
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My anxiety stems from family for sure. They dont show the kind of care you would expect..but its demanded of me in return. My mom sent me a text to come over and see them a day ago..completely ignoring the fact she has been silent for months since her previous messages when i was really slammed with work and stress, telling me im selfish and difficult. She wants of course to dip out of apologising, so will pretend its all on me, im very busy with work etc. I didnt reply because im still so angry about it that i dont know what to do. Ignoring it wont make it go away but she is unlikely to offer up reason, im expecting a fight and more stress.

    Its clear my parents want a clean slate before christmas, totally expecting me to be game for all their usual behaviour.

    But now i feel different. Both my mother and sister are not reaching out, they both want me to do it all. They are the ones with partners and support to go through difficult things like when they are mad at other people, but im alone. Does that mean i have to take every authoritative word they say? Does it mean i have to chase after them even though they throw poison darts at me? Or is it literally the fact that i am the youngest child and expected to fall in line? My sister is so disappointing…as an older sister she was never there and i accepted it, i even filled in her place and she was just always resentful and jealous. Its finally made me angry, and finally made me complain that she is selfish, now expecting for her child (an extension of herself) more and more of the attention she could never be bothered to give in return.

    My parents came and rang my door to “demand” a reply from me. My mother looked sulky and handed me something of mine that had been at their house, an item of clothing. This is a routine she does when she is annoyed. of clearing things out of her house that belong to me. Its a therapy of sorts, I understand that now, many years later…getting even small items handed back to me like its a big problem for them to have them there, reminding them of me. I always find it an offensive thing to do, its a rejection of course.. My parents didnt speak up about their feelings either but pretended to talk about other things. Have i contacted my sister? no, putting the emphasis of blame and guilt back on me and putting themselves in control again. More irritation and anger.

    I denied getting her message on my phone….because i dont want a confrontation today, im really not feeling well and i have a lot to do. It was a coward thing to do i know, as she wanted to be able to explode at me and get her reward while having my dad to support and help her do it. I just dont want to deal with them. Afterwards i felt angry and very sad..sad because i really dont want to see them.

    When you are being chased by sadness and miserable behaviour its hard to focus on happiness. Having family problems is really at the core of who you are as a person. When you have an imbalance there it affects everything else. Im looking at a lifetime of feeling even more lonely than i was before but im contemplating just simply not being around them anymore. because i need to time out, i need to heal. They have spare keys of mine. First intended as helpful i now feel its intrusive. Ive relied on them in the past when ive locked myself out by accident…they act over worried as though im going to kill myself but never say a thing, just imply it. When i dont answer the phone..its a drama, we were worried! Its control though. Thats the reality. Its a way of keeping tabs on me and having power over me.

    #388918
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  Ive been still very busy working…but having to also take a mental break from these conversations and thoughts that are very hard to deal with and relatively new realisations. Im not sure if it is this that also makes me very tired all the time. I feel like everything just totally drains me. I also feel anxiety a lot and have difficulty in relaxing anyway.  it has been a demanding time like i dont remember previously, people pulling and pushing to get what they want. So, instead of taking a break and enjoying life a bit…im spending hours on small tasks (like how to work some App or similar), emails and getting frustrated and irritated (noisy neighbours, competitive colleagues). I guess that is what getting older is! But when i get home there is no break from it.

    In the back of my head i have a “must do” list of personal items i just can´t get around to…i should get myself online and meet someone (that has been a lost priority for a few months now), i should find activites and make new friends (dont know where to look for that), I feel i have to get presents for my family for christmas but its a hollow experience as im not talking to them. My niece is going to be 4years old and i wanted to get her something at least but have no idea what she likes. She will grow up thinking im the strange auntie..my sister seems distant and has not reached out at all to me for over a year. She is the older sister but honestly, i dont know if she even cares. I told her before that it was hard being around our parents and mom´s mean behaviour and she apologised to me which came as a surprise at the time (why are YOU sorry?). Then i realised, she felt she had dumped me with that problem and face to face she felt guilty but at a distance she feels ok. She can tell our parents anything at a distance, and have control of the situation too. She doesnt like to hear my difficulties..so she just goes mute. great huh?

    I think its good that she has a child to care about as i think that may have changed perspectives for her but for me, sadly there is a coldness. Seeing as she has been on the phone with our mom every other day, without thinking to ask me how im doing, i can only conclude that i am competition for her. She doesnt hear what mom is like after their conversations, dissecting everything. Mom and i used to agree however, my sister would never ask how you were doing at these times…only talking about herself.

    So, whats new in the world..i dont understand my family! great. I guess im just coming to terms with my personality and what shaped it. Im still angry with my parents and also my sister, for their lack of care and for the times i filled in the blanks with humour to hide the sadness.

    Im trying to turn this around to focus on people as you say, who do deserve attention and kindness..to not continue the same ill behaviour.

     

     

     

     

     

    #388266
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita and TeaK,

    I feel like im holding a whole lot in..most of the time. Basically its lonely to deal with all this and accept, my life is not going to be like others. I know that most women my age are dealing with family issues of their own, kids and husbands and so on, but because of all this ive been through, i havent got a relationship as in the end, when it comes to commitment, your partner has to like what he is marrying into, mine didnt. But it wasnt just that, my social anxiety and the interpretation of human behaviours that i read negatively, made me depressed and unhappy to go out, something my ex needed to be happy. Could i ask him to sympathise more? to allow me to be a quieter person? No, it seems not. Effectively, in my experience..men just leave and find someone more happy and upbeat, more capable to manage life, there´s always another quickly found. So much for love if they find them so fast. For me to reach the point of another person wanting or thinking to commit…was enormous effort and right timing etc. So to lose the connection was devastating, world imploding, as it was effectively the only one i had. Every time my relationships have broken down, i have lost everything i built…my home, friends, work and social status, this last relationship was the only one where i did not move country afterwards.

    I guess ive protected myself from these feelings for these years following that. I didnt think i had to make the choice to stay away from my parents but i see i should have instead of seeking any comfort there which was a bad choice. My mother´s negative interpretations colour my own.

    People talk about social anxiety like its a badge you can put on your jacket at a festival to show everyone you are cool. Same as depression. Some people who claim they are these things only want attention! but truly dont know what it is.  No one who has this would smile.

    I mean, i can physically go places..i can talk to clients, talk to strangers…ive built that up over years like a shield, but there is a limit to my ability to connect with people, a kind of self preservation that kicks in…thats enough talk now, all about business and then run away, i avoid personal questions and feel assaulted when people find out everything about my age, where i am from and then walk off. This keeps me at a distance from others along with my certainty of their behaviours reading as “they dont like me”. Of course the longer this goes on the more they in turn will think ” she doesnt like me” which turns to negative behaviours toward me….I get it but cant work it out.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #388228
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita and TeaK,

    Thank you for your insights, i have been busy and then got sick so i was not in the right frame of mind to respond until now as it takes a lot out of me to write these things. I feel that basically with 2 separate opinions from you both, its fairly conclusive that i have a narcissistic mother since the experiences fit. Sadly also realising the big mental issues with my father. Sometimes i just keep asking myself..how did it get here? I was the person who never had a problem with family earlier in life, things were ok. And my folks were succesful in their life. Us kids just saw they were distant with family and also friends, rarely if ever did they have people over, we had difficulty in having friends over as my mom didnt seem to like it, it created a tension of putting on a show so i associated socializing with that, having to look perfect, having a perfect experience. I realise my sister never even tried to talk to me about it…she just distanced herself (saved herself), as she does now. Now, im facing having a solo christmas…and worried about what to do to not get depressed and feel awful, where do i meet people like me?!!.

    I know my parents would prefer to sweep over this episode and pretend everything is fine. I had my birthday recently and my father did in fact come over with a gift..we talked about nothing personal but then he started to say “your mother thinks you are mad at her and not talking to her” …and i felt irritated again, What am i supposed to say this time!? why is my dad pretending he doesnt know? He said he heard that i got angry at her because she was talking about the friends´daughter when i was wanting to complain about work. My mother´s mode is to switch to someone elses situation that she thinks is a really sad but it makes me mad because that means she is denying my feelings, which is unfair. While at the same time gloating over someone else´s pain, also mean!!  She is the one who left angry messages in capitals on my phone and would not stop.

    Im still angry, i still feel upset and i dont want to put up with this anymore. This happened at the beginning of September, she has not apologised but wants it to blow over, forgotten. My sister sent my an e-birthday card with an unpersonal message from her family, i only found it today as it was in the junkmail. No doubt both of them are coming up with conclusions that suit their narrative. Its lazy and sad. Its my family. I fully intend to send my niece a christmas present but this involves forward planning and a lot of cost for post…anyway, my relationship with her has been ruined, what can i do about that, shes almost 4 and her mother is still her whole world..the circle continues.

    I dont like where i am now…feeling completely alone, feeling frustrated and beaten by life. The only positive in that is, i have nothing to lose really..i could start over completely but its hard, being alone.

    I dont like feeling so hypersensitive. this means that any teasing from people is like bullying…i feel so alien to the others..i dont understand the nuances in conversations, i just will never fit in. Im the only one who is not fluent in the common language. I just want to quit. Its so exhausting trying to keep up. And YET. I make money, im succesful, so they shouldnt be so jealous maybe?

    I wish i had a relationship with someone, to create something else in my life. But my practical side pulls me back. All of my experiences have been filled with difficulties. I think due to my social anxiety and the above issues. At my age, will i suddenly meet someone who is happy with who i am? who can accept the negatives? It seems far from me.

    The idea of “blaming” my state of being on my family doesnt sit well with me at all, since i always believed you could not blame others for your own mistakes or your situation. I always hated it when people said ” well, my childhood…” So here i am blaming myself for being lonely and lost in what to do. But ive struggled all my life. It would be nice to sit back and say, this is why my life has been so hard when others just cant understand it…ive always disappointed people. I could join the whatever is wrong with you club, and commiserate with other people..would that really help?

    I know there are other people out there like me but maybe im much worse than i thought. I just dont know. Its very sad. Im really worried about the holidays. I know i need a mental break from this but travel is an issue right now.

     

    #387831
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita and TeaK,

    Thank you for your feedback and insights. Im still having a hard time to isolate who is responsible for what. For instance, to say that your parents shaped everything to do with your interactions as we went to school, there were people there too. But my parents had full control of us from a young age. All i know is that ive always had this terrible low self esteem when it comes to demanding my share or my right or something, i kind of crumble, i dont even have that will to stand up for myself and perhaps thats because i was never given that kind of confidence at home.

    On the other hand i have enormous inner strength that i dont know how to describe. I thought it was shaped by my previous experiences (in particular with the ex) but it was perhaps there already from when i was much younger, if im totally honest i dont think there are many interactions in my life that have been easy. I get to a point where i trust the person im with and then they throw a curve ball and i feel intensely betrayed. It happens with every person, i cant seem to understand or make the right boundaries to protect myself. Im very distrustful at the start, then trust too much. Its perhaps understandable that i often feel much better alone, exhausted from trying to read people´s intentions. Are they being kind or are they being sarcastic? Why do parties for instance leave me feeling really depressed..going over everything in my head. Some would deduct that my problems are a result of some form of autism but it just never occurred to me that it could simply be the result of emotional bullying from a young age, blocking the enjoyment part.

    I only started to link the two things because of my ex´s weird behaviour and over dramatic reactions. The push and pull of the erratic behaviour,  there could be weeks of very sweet and loving behaviour, next, telling you that youre the worst at this or just complete rage out of nowhere and its over. It led me to a lot of deep thinking, confusion over where it was coming from, was it really my fault etc. He played on my weaknesses and things i had told him in confidence, he tried to pick me apart in other ways but that inner strength i had didnt get him far. Where i live is a smaller community than i am used to, i believe there was plenty of gossip about us and my parents knew acquaintances of him who “warned them” about him. But my mother really liked him. Of course, because he was more fun, exciting. they blew hot and cold about him as they do with my sister´s partner also. Approve and disapprove, good and bad, the same push and pull behaviour that leaves you frustrated because you cant win.

    #387594
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks again for sorting through these thoughts and feelings. Lately im feeling really rough about it and like you say, it becomes physical, this hurt, its damaging. Unfortunately my workplace colleagues are the source right now and there is something every time i have contact with them.

    Im becoming aware…that my time is running out on a personal level if i dont look for a partner for instance, if i dont take action about meeting friends, my mind will just switch off and lose interest. But with experiences like mine, its such a minefield. I just feel like men are out to get you, like other women eventually all turn jealous and  everything just goes sour. I want healthy relationships but it seems like im asking for the moon.

    I understand too that most people chose to suffer in order to have something in life. I stayed with my ex much longer than i should because i didnt want to lose the physical contact, i didnt want to lose the fun stuff, the benefit of being with him..i suffered the regular mental abuse and some physical..his strange moments of anger, i suffered crying regularly. That doesnt happen anymore. The good side is that i dont need to compromise what i do, i get to choose, no longer being bored to death doing what he wanted, no longer being told i was bad at something or suffering the misery of other women flirting openly in front of me and him chiding me for complaining about it. And the bad side meaning..i havent been on a holiday in about 3 or 4 years because i needed his help to finance that, Never going out for dinner, less fun and more work. The most annoying thing to me about being single is that i seem to attract a lot of comments from people i dont know…neighbours and just random people commenting about my life that i notice when i go out alone.

    I worry that if i try to meet someone, i dont have really all that much to offer..no amazing social circle of happy people, no kids and no fun career. Same goes for making friends. I meet people id like to be friends with and they dont seem that interested to do anything with me. So in the end, i just return to what is safe and comfortable and less traumatic..

    Someone asked me today what i dreamed of doing and i just couldnt think of it. I have feelings about what i like..im driven, hardworking , i like to make money…but passions? i feel a bit lost in the money making process…

     

     

     

    #387546
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So you think that everything i do and all the experiences i have now are basically stemming from the difficult relationship with my mother? I see the point. Maybe..its hard to correlate for me but i can see what you mean.

    In relation to those moments when “im feeling successful and confident….people feel its unfair somehow”..i know very well how that felt (being very happy or feeling accomplished) and then to see the look on someone´s face and immediately feel guilty and that it would be better if they feel happy or confusion, why arent they happy for me?, to feel a sense that somehow my fortune was damaging to others. The thing is this….i also see what my father´s behaviour created because he would be the first to bend over backwards to make my mother feel better, at the expense of us or anyone else around them.

    The damage done is in how i react.

    Its definitely a question whether its possible to break the pattern. For example again today my head is hurting and my brow knotted and im obsessing from being overwhelmed at work by the irritating behaviour of my colleagues. Ive come home angry and frustrated again. Here are some individual things that happened that i can pin point were triggering, does it seem a lot for just one day??!:

    – (when the new admin took over my role i remember her asking me about whether we could put music on while we worked. I replied it was okay as long as it did not interfere with client interaction and other people´s work, i meant…using your sensitivity to the situation….since then, she puts music on all the day, on her computer in the background. Ive noticed if she is annoyed with others interaction, she turns up the volume. )

    Today i came in and i put some music on as i was alone, but not loud, she came straight in, turned on her computer and put some music on just that bit louder…

    – A:I mentioned before that one colleague was hired by the family member (who now has a powerful & controlling position in the company) this guy is his best friend! the guy always seemd friendly but after today also now appears creepy. Today he cornered me where i could not get away, i was getting something and i felt like he was looking down my top while talking very close to me…..enough said. Unfortunately we now have 2 guys working in the office with the feeling they have control over us because one is a family member…my boss does nothing, she is a woman.

    -B: i had an appointment booked with a client (visible to my colleagues), 30min before i was due to leave another colleague came and said she had to see the same place and wanted to take the keys…to cut a long story short she didnt go in the end, but the conversation and re-planning was distracting and i remembered my friend says that she feels some of our colleagues say and do things to sabotage the situation….it certainly seemed that way, since her “appointment” surprisingly did not go ahead and she has done the same thing to me often before.

    – This same colleague had been hanging around all day, we each have a day to be at the office and it gets busy very quickly because its a small office and we now have a lot more staff…hanging around just trying to pick up information or bickering with each other. So these two colleagues…A&B were chatting about something..i was trying to ignore this and continue to work…but B then sat down opposite me with her computer and then A sat down and they continued talking …right at my desk!!! By now it was afternoon, i was already irritated from being unable to concentrate and i said to them to please sit on the other side of the office where there is space because this desk was for clients…they seemed to agree…and then turned to each other and continued talking! i stared at them and they ignored me. I then asked them again to move and had to wave a hand in their faces, at which point B, who has known me for years..did her usual “ok ill move” slowly as though it was not her fault. Mr A though, which is an apt name for him, decided i needed to hear one more thing from him about some saying in his language …to which end i had to hear a long drawn out explanation that made no sense…he just wanted to stomp his foot metaphorically, to pee on his patch, etc. Even though he should show some respect to someone who has worked many years more than him in the job..it makes me mad. Im just sick of this childish behaviour. Which has become worse since men joined the company i have to say.

    There was more but this gives an idea of what an average day at the office is like…i must admit i felt a bit sorry for the admin person as i used to have her job and you have to hear ALL the dramas.

     

     

    #387390
    sossi
    Participant

    Im worried about where life is taking me. these things that happen on a day by day basis..it doesnt get better even when people try to help. Today i got some good work news and it was a boost for a bit, i did well lately, or at least i tried. But its a hollow kind of victory. I think ive achieved what i wanted to in this job and this place. I wanted some respect, i wanted people to notice my ability and i wanted to be recognized for the hard work i put in….its apparent but not obvious to me that i achieved that. recently i was invited to meet with a lawyer because i have a lot of work with them….it has taken years for them to acknowledge me, damn, i got a smile. I walked out that office feeling like i had made it, im sure it sounds ridiculous. Ive been here for 11 years,  respect is hard won, especially as a foreigner. I kept my head down.

    However, i am not the one in control of the work i do. Ive certainly outgrown it but because of the difficulty to make money i am unable to move on. isnt that Fd up?. One of my clients told me recently, his granddaughter made x amount of money..its something like 4x what i make..she is about 10 years younger. Nothing i can do about it, just that i was always in the wrong place, the wrong time.

    “If those interactions are a Lose for you- quit interacting with them.” i dont know what a win looks like! My interactions are with people who are struggling like me. If i suddenly did well guess what would happen….id be alone. Im alone now but id be even more alone. Something is clearly wrong with me, something unfixable that makes me an outcast. i feel that.

    Today i felt so sick with work stress..i took my dog to go walk somewhere but she is highly strung unfortunately and its hard to manage her..i went to a calm area hoping it would be quiet but this year its still full of tourists..its october!! when i let my dog off she shot off and i spent about 45min getting her back. Everyone else´s dog was close by them, easygoing…no problem. laid back…my dog was hunting birds at top speed and running all over the place like a crazy thing..its just so typical that this is the dog i ended up with. All i wanted was to relax a bit but instead i got even more stressed out trying to wait for her to calm down to catch her. Its not fair but i am just trapped in this life. I dont attract friendly people thats for sure..no one wants to know me, they feel sorry for me, they think im a loser.  I dont need to question this, i hear their comments as they pass me. I guess thats because im not with a man..that would be safer and more comfortable right? A single woman is a threat, a woman with a dog or cat is just sad. so here i am now, ive reached the middle of the lifecycle and my conclusion of humanity is that people are judgemental and mean and frightened. Who is going to challenge that i wonder? is someone interesting finally going to walk past and give me a reason to hope there is more to this.

    #387293
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yesterday i accidentally locked myself out and had to call my dad to use their spare key to get back in, luckily they were not out and he could help as i had just stepped out to pick something up from a friend. Ive done this by accident before, it happens when of course i´m distracted and stressed, doing too many things at once. My dad was not impressed but not surprised. He doesnt shout, its just a kind of “we know you are flaky” kind of disapproval. He then said they should spend less time with me…if you recall i have had no contact with my parents for about a month, since my mom had a tantrum and got mad at me. She was maybe feeling left out or bored or who knows. And i was complaining a lot about my work which was very intense this year. I have trouble managing workload as i tend to lean in and don´t ever quit. But this year it was a lot, mental and physical. But my mom doesnt understand…i cant just quit my job as she says and “do something else” when i have nowhere to go. I dont make a lot extra each month to support that.

    After my dad let me in and i got on with the many appointments but afterwards i felt really sad and lonely..abandoned. Just like my ex, just like some friends i have had. They prefer to make me feel bad it seems. After all you dont expect getting older, that your own family will turn out like this, especially when you are patient with their moments..but my parents, they have each other. I have noone. I felt ashamed of their behaviour. Angry. depressed and totally lost.

    I feel like im just this natural victim, the person that others hit.. even my own parents! its sometimes hard to believe this.

    My sister has not reached out at all but likely is that she also feels hurt and somehow its all my fault.

    Its enfuriating that other people can get away with this ugly behaviour and blame it all on me. I feel there is just no love left there and thats shocking. But its also as though, all those years..i overlooked behaviours that were perhaps more malicious and that i ignored that because to see the truth would have been really awful. Could that really be the case? my sister resents me and so does my mom? are they really that cold?

    I thought about what i can do in future to avoid calling them for help..ill get a keysafe. Living alone, its not uncommon i imagine, to get locked out. It never happens to my parents because they have each others key.

    My life is completely absorbed by work. My hours are insane. But you might say i do this to myself. I want to get everything done, if i left it to regular hours, i swear that half my clients would go unanswered. Ive asked that we get help with this but its not happening. I see that the girl who took my old role (permanently in the office) has all new equipment..whereas i had to make do with saving money, she has immediately been given a lot more. Again, i feel a victim. And i work more now..to cover up the fact that there is no “life” to enjoy. if only i can make that bit more money, ill be OK.

    I wish i knew how to turn this “fate” around, this victimization? or mentality that i have grown into. I think ive always lived in a dreamlike state..thinking this was preferable to being totally present and entertained by what is around me..i dont live like that. Ive got what i think is a fairly creative and free mind. I dont get a rise out of making jokes of other people because i immediately think of the consequences, i dont wait for life to provide me with the input i need because i can make it up myself.  Generally speaking, i can entertain myself or at least keep busy. I see that generally, most people are the kind that need input all the time, and when they dont, they just switch off, nothing going on inside. Somewhere out there are people like me, i just never found many of them. crushed under the weight of the importance of others.

    I feel like im just angry and frustrated at this situation..with my family, with feeling that life has gotten the better of me. I cant seem to think of what to do, to get out of the work i dont enjoy…to make a living for myself and be more in control of my income…sounds stupid. I just maybe am scared to try. But no surprise, since when i try, ive been knocked down so much.

    Ive not been watching the tarot readings as much as i used to..mainly because none of what they say runs true anymore..mr right isnt coming, something is not going to magically happen when im working with no time free. Ive not made big money, it disappears just as fast and im realising now..i cant work any harder and i dont seem to be able to work smarter. I just feel i wish someone could help but maybe thats just not possible.

     

     

    #387059
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im still just totally exhausted, to the point where i become really wired and cant relax. Lucky me i can still sleep. The work i have at the moment is intense and demands a lot but i dont seem to get anywhere.. it feels im shooting laser beams on Mars and others are staring with their mouth open and a cigarette hanging from their lips. I can say ive done my best with this year but its definitely trying to kill me.

    And when you are really struggling, as a single person, at a time like this you need support. Luckily i have some friends around if i need them but family are still not talking to me and i have no idea why? except that my mom told me I am selfish, which came out of the blue. If i complain to her when im worn out because i have two jobs she says im lucky because i live alone and dont have to check decisions with someone else…my attention is drawn to my poor sister (making a lot of money with a family) or the family friend but my tough situation is never validated with her. And if something is wrong why would they not SAY SO!?. Sometimes i wonder what they expect is going to happen,  will i get over their comments and come crawling back to them so that they dont have to apologise at all? just forget it? or explode from how miserable they are. Am i being unfair? I keep wondering what it was that i did. or if they are actually sick? am i? I certainly can´t read minds but i can feel damaged by their actions.

    I have clients  in my working life who demand and yell at me, everyone gets what they wants but are very angry about it all the way through (from stress)….recently one actually apologised and i was a little surprised, we dont get apologies very often.

    I just feel angry at the way im treated and yet i have no idea how to fix it. Things dont seem to improve but just drag out, on and on.

    Should i reach out to my parents, to my sister?

     

     

     

    #386752
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  I dont understand life, i dont get it. Im older now, i should have the opportunity to give support and guidance to younger people because ive made it. like my parents (except not like them) just to have the opportunity to say, here is what is going to happen! I think i always thought, if i just work harder, if i just put more effort in it will pay off. If im just nice and patient and believe that everything good happens to all of us and sometimes there are bad times, if i try harder, if i just try to squeeze myself into a certain personality maybe the guy wont leave, maybe the boss will treat me with respect, maybe the colleague wont be jealous. My dad raised me to not rock the boat, to keep my head down…it doesnt work, the jerks are out there laughing always.

    Lately, ive put so many hours in that i cant do more…its like the wolves are circling and salivating, its crazy right now. Im not the kind of person to react my emotions but im suffering for it..people just being abusive.

    For example: Im overrun with multiple clients, on top of that we are expected to bring in listings for new properties but there is no time, also to manage the sales process which can be over months. One client ive been helping has been SO much work that i honestly think my brain is being picked so that they can start their own business…at the same time i cant say that for sure but they wont make a decision, they want certainty in THEIR decision from me and i cant give it. Its stupid. Ive spent almost a month working with him, he brings a friend along and she scrutinizes everything i say, they ask me questions about my life, she was even leaning over my shoulder to see what i was texting on my phone during a visit, non of her business!!

    Another is an owner of a house, i am responsible for their contract which i fought hard to get but they are very arrogant, i warned my colleagues to be quick with feedback, seeing what kind of people they were and unfortunately one agent upset them so much that they called me and yelled down the phone that not only my colleague but I was unprofessional and that i had ALSO not been working well with them and they had had enough. They spoke to our manager who i was not able to warn in time because she would not answer her phone. After they finished yelling at everyone…i got a call some days later, much calmer and subdued asking to work with us again, but ONLY with me.  In other words, i now have to be available to take clients of my colleagues. This means i will still be the punching bag and my colleagues now dont want to send clients there in case i get paid something.

    So, my small wins.

    My gratitude today…if that is all there is for me in the world, was that an associate we work with a lot, “sort of” stood up for me today when i was chewed out by the latest angry, arrogant and greedy client who was “unhappy with the service”, he was furious almost out of nowhere…and i smell an unjustified complaint in order not to pay us..People are real slimebags that way.  Im supposed to be on holiday now but that doesnt matter.

    We were standing with the client and he was complaining. The associate said to me not to leave just yet then said to me in her language (which the client cant understand) that he was an A** and that she had so many difficulties with him, that it was almost over and repeated i was NOT to worry about what he was saying. Maybe she could tell i was worked half to death and couldnt take more. He stood to the side of us and i could tell he realised she was on my side. On the other hand, when speaking to him she didnt defend me, she just said the issues were not a problem. To me she said basically she had enough of him too and not to worry about it.

    When people are kind like this its such a shock.

    What is interesting about this person is that many years ago, i had made an amazing sale, possibly the highest our agency has made in the last 6 years, and just as the contracts were signed and everything was certain and i of course worked my ass off as everyone sulked and looked jealous..my boss decided to give this associate a bit more money, which meant i had to receive less.  This was local politics or whatever, this woman asked and my boss agreed. I never forgot that, after that point my view of my boss changed, at that point i knew, i was part of the hamster wheel not a wonderful colleague.

    Today, as i felt weak and defeated and grateful this woman had said these things, all i could think about was, that this was a payout for that previous damage…..

    But yeah, small handouts of sympathy…do they lead to happy ever after? or just cover the wounds.

    Speaking of laughing jerks..while i wrote this, some of my esteemed colleagues were on whatsapp making veiled comments about my friends´success. It was obvious they were jealous and making little stabs at her, she reacted..not too strongly but made it known their comments were weird…its this kind of lack of support, lack of team and mean little comments that we both hate. The others are much more typical sales people…like men in a lockerroom (one is a woman). This by the way was way after working hours. Our boss´reaction? to say that we can expect adverse people in our environment and to keep believing in ourselves. While thats really a nice thought…if you SEE and HEAR bullying in your office, how would you deal with it? i think i would deal with it directly.

     

     

    #386612
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    What you are saying in the previous message..i can see you are bored by my story. I certainly dont blame you. Who the hell am i and what is the incentive to help someone like me.

    #386591
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Today im running on adrenalin for sure.

    Ive worked since i woke up and was on the phone non stop until it burned hot and lost battery. My email account was full and rejecting emails…I had to use a second account. Basically my computer or phone can´t keep up the pace. One client was on the phone 2 hours so lunch had to wait. Most of our clients dont have much else to do with their time, they are bored…so they pester us with demands and if we dont respond quickly they lose it.

    Im sort of hanging on. I dont know how. Because i cant believe that this is how life is supposed to be, working till your head spins (another colleague said on the phone to me today) we are overworked then it can go completely dead…so everyone says its great its so busy..but its really unhealthy! If i was boss, i would try to find a way in which we can share the income. When i used to run the office, i kept trying to promote a team basis of support but when it came down to it, that was just me helping everyone else. The girl who does my old job now, leaves at 6 on the dot. I think maybe people think im a fool but i would prefer to work in a happy atmosphere, making less, than an aggressive environment making more. Goes to show im not a true salesman.

    I feel somehow that im still in the middle of this weird cosmic energy but coming out the other side..I just dont want it to ever happen again. You know the feeling, like you are running through a tunnel of people hitting you either side. Its too much. Ive no idea if i did something in a former life, born under a dark star or just plain unlucky but these things tend to follow me more than most i think.

     

    #386550
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, The idea sounds great. But in the greater scheme of things, i get no relief or results from being outgoing. My mother told me she walked out of two jobs for her pride..she had a husband by then so i guess she thought she could afford to stick her finger up in those days. If i did that today there would be no immediate sense of revenge and victory but more a sense of panic.

    Hope there are other people out there who feel the same as sometimes i think im the only one working this hard and having such a hard time. I honestly today felt like really there must be something karmic about the amount of crap coming my  way. While my most fortunate colleague gets another sale, i am struggling to get anywhere and with angry clients left and right. Its unreal.

    And when things get SO unreal, i start to think that someone is sabotaging me in my work. Is that probable? Im just feeling very anxious about being watched and manipulated as things come up so regularly it cant be coincidence. But if that is true, what is their problem with me? am i being punished for some racial reason, some nationalistic reason? Im really tired right now, worked through the whole weekend like the last two..this is really getting to me.

     

     

     

     

     

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