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sossi

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  • #387831
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita and TeaK,

    Thank you for your feedback and insights. Im still having a hard time to isolate who is responsible for what. For instance, to say that your parents shaped everything to do with your interactions as we went to school, there were people there too. But my parents had full control of us from a young age. All i know is that ive always had this terrible low self esteem when it comes to demanding my share or my right or something, i kind of crumble, i dont even have that will to stand up for myself and perhaps thats because i was never given that kind of confidence at home.

    On the other hand i have enormous inner strength that i dont know how to describe. I thought it was shaped by my previous experiences (in particular with the ex) but it was perhaps there already from when i was much younger, if im totally honest i dont think there are many interactions in my life that have been easy. I get to a point where i trust the person im with and then they throw a curve ball and i feel intensely betrayed. It happens with every person, i cant seem to understand or make the right boundaries to protect myself. Im very distrustful at the start, then trust too much. Its perhaps understandable that i often feel much better alone, exhausted from trying to read people´s intentions. Are they being kind or are they being sarcastic? Why do parties for instance leave me feeling really depressed..going over everything in my head. Some would deduct that my problems are a result of some form of autism but it just never occurred to me that it could simply be the result of emotional bullying from a young age, blocking the enjoyment part.

    I only started to link the two things because of my ex´s weird behaviour and over dramatic reactions. The push and pull of the erratic behaviour,  there could be weeks of very sweet and loving behaviour, next, telling you that youre the worst at this or just complete rage out of nowhere and its over. It led me to a lot of deep thinking, confusion over where it was coming from, was it really my fault etc. He played on my weaknesses and things i had told him in confidence, he tried to pick me apart in other ways but that inner strength i had didnt get him far. Where i live is a smaller community than i am used to, i believe there was plenty of gossip about us and my parents knew acquaintances of him who “warned them” about him. But my mother really liked him. Of course, because he was more fun, exciting. they blew hot and cold about him as they do with my sister´s partner also. Approve and disapprove, good and bad, the same push and pull behaviour that leaves you frustrated because you cant win.

    #387594
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks again for sorting through these thoughts and feelings. Lately im feeling really rough about it and like you say, it becomes physical, this hurt, its damaging. Unfortunately my workplace colleagues are the source right now and there is something every time i have contact with them.

    Im becoming aware…that my time is running out on a personal level if i dont look for a partner for instance, if i dont take action about meeting friends, my mind will just switch off and lose interest. But with experiences like mine, its such a minefield. I just feel like men are out to get you, like other women eventually all turn jealous and  everything just goes sour. I want healthy relationships but it seems like im asking for the moon.

    I understand too that most people chose to suffer in order to have something in life. I stayed with my ex much longer than i should because i didnt want to lose the physical contact, i didnt want to lose the fun stuff, the benefit of being with him..i suffered the regular mental abuse and some physical..his strange moments of anger, i suffered crying regularly. That doesnt happen anymore. The good side is that i dont need to compromise what i do, i get to choose, no longer being bored to death doing what he wanted, no longer being told i was bad at something or suffering the misery of other women flirting openly in front of me and him chiding me for complaining about it. And the bad side meaning..i havent been on a holiday in about 3 or 4 years because i needed his help to finance that, Never going out for dinner, less fun and more work. The most annoying thing to me about being single is that i seem to attract a lot of comments from people i dont know…neighbours and just random people commenting about my life that i notice when i go out alone.

    I worry that if i try to meet someone, i dont have really all that much to offer..no amazing social circle of happy people, no kids and no fun career. Same goes for making friends. I meet people id like to be friends with and they dont seem that interested to do anything with me. So in the end, i just return to what is safe and comfortable and less traumatic..

    Someone asked me today what i dreamed of doing and i just couldnt think of it. I have feelings about what i like..im driven, hardworking , i like to make money…but passions? i feel a bit lost in the money making process…

     

     

     

    #387546
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So you think that everything i do and all the experiences i have now are basically stemming from the difficult relationship with my mother? I see the point. Maybe..its hard to correlate for me but i can see what you mean.

    In relation to those moments when “im feeling successful and confident….people feel its unfair somehow”..i know very well how that felt (being very happy or feeling accomplished) and then to see the look on someone´s face and immediately feel guilty and that it would be better if they feel happy or confusion, why arent they happy for me?, to feel a sense that somehow my fortune was damaging to others. The thing is this….i also see what my father´s behaviour created because he would be the first to bend over backwards to make my mother feel better, at the expense of us or anyone else around them.

    The damage done is in how i react.

    Its definitely a question whether its possible to break the pattern. For example again today my head is hurting and my brow knotted and im obsessing from being overwhelmed at work by the irritating behaviour of my colleagues. Ive come home angry and frustrated again. Here are some individual things that happened that i can pin point were triggering, does it seem a lot for just one day??!:

    – (when the new admin took over my role i remember her asking me about whether we could put music on while we worked. I replied it was okay as long as it did not interfere with client interaction and other people´s work, i meant…using your sensitivity to the situation….since then, she puts music on all the day, on her computer in the background. Ive noticed if she is annoyed with others interaction, she turns up the volume. )

    Today i came in and i put some music on as i was alone, but not loud, she came straight in, turned on her computer and put some music on just that bit louder…

    – A:I mentioned before that one colleague was hired by the family member (who now has a powerful & controlling position in the company) this guy is his best friend! the guy always seemd friendly but after today also now appears creepy. Today he cornered me where i could not get away, i was getting something and i felt like he was looking down my top while talking very close to me…..enough said. Unfortunately we now have 2 guys working in the office with the feeling they have control over us because one is a family member…my boss does nothing, she is a woman.

    -B: i had an appointment booked with a client (visible to my colleagues), 30min before i was due to leave another colleague came and said she had to see the same place and wanted to take the keys…to cut a long story short she didnt go in the end, but the conversation and re-planning was distracting and i remembered my friend says that she feels some of our colleagues say and do things to sabotage the situation….it certainly seemed that way, since her “appointment” surprisingly did not go ahead and she has done the same thing to me often before.

    – This same colleague had been hanging around all day, we each have a day to be at the office and it gets busy very quickly because its a small office and we now have a lot more staff…hanging around just trying to pick up information or bickering with each other. So these two colleagues…A&B were chatting about something..i was trying to ignore this and continue to work…but B then sat down opposite me with her computer and then A sat down and they continued talking …right at my desk!!! By now it was afternoon, i was already irritated from being unable to concentrate and i said to them to please sit on the other side of the office where there is space because this desk was for clients…they seemed to agree…and then turned to each other and continued talking! i stared at them and they ignored me. I then asked them again to move and had to wave a hand in their faces, at which point B, who has known me for years..did her usual “ok ill move” slowly as though it was not her fault. Mr A though, which is an apt name for him, decided i needed to hear one more thing from him about some saying in his language …to which end i had to hear a long drawn out explanation that made no sense…he just wanted to stomp his foot metaphorically, to pee on his patch, etc. Even though he should show some respect to someone who has worked many years more than him in the job..it makes me mad. Im just sick of this childish behaviour. Which has become worse since men joined the company i have to say.

    There was more but this gives an idea of what an average day at the office is like…i must admit i felt a bit sorry for the admin person as i used to have her job and you have to hear ALL the dramas.

     

     

    #387390
    sossi
    Participant

    Im worried about where life is taking me. these things that happen on a day by day basis..it doesnt get better even when people try to help. Today i got some good work news and it was a boost for a bit, i did well lately, or at least i tried. But its a hollow kind of victory. I think ive achieved what i wanted to in this job and this place. I wanted some respect, i wanted people to notice my ability and i wanted to be recognized for the hard work i put in….its apparent but not obvious to me that i achieved that. recently i was invited to meet with a lawyer because i have a lot of work with them….it has taken years for them to acknowledge me, damn, i got a smile. I walked out that office feeling like i had made it, im sure it sounds ridiculous. Ive been here for 11 years,  respect is hard won, especially as a foreigner. I kept my head down.

    However, i am not the one in control of the work i do. Ive certainly outgrown it but because of the difficulty to make money i am unable to move on. isnt that Fd up?. One of my clients told me recently, his granddaughter made x amount of money..its something like 4x what i make..she is about 10 years younger. Nothing i can do about it, just that i was always in the wrong place, the wrong time.

    “If those interactions are a Lose for you- quit interacting with them.” i dont know what a win looks like! My interactions are with people who are struggling like me. If i suddenly did well guess what would happen….id be alone. Im alone now but id be even more alone. Something is clearly wrong with me, something unfixable that makes me an outcast. i feel that.

    Today i felt so sick with work stress..i took my dog to go walk somewhere but she is highly strung unfortunately and its hard to manage her..i went to a calm area hoping it would be quiet but this year its still full of tourists..its october!! when i let my dog off she shot off and i spent about 45min getting her back. Everyone else´s dog was close by them, easygoing…no problem. laid back…my dog was hunting birds at top speed and running all over the place like a crazy thing..its just so typical that this is the dog i ended up with. All i wanted was to relax a bit but instead i got even more stressed out trying to wait for her to calm down to catch her. Its not fair but i am just trapped in this life. I dont attract friendly people thats for sure..no one wants to know me, they feel sorry for me, they think im a loser.  I dont need to question this, i hear their comments as they pass me. I guess thats because im not with a man..that would be safer and more comfortable right? A single woman is a threat, a woman with a dog or cat is just sad. so here i am now, ive reached the middle of the lifecycle and my conclusion of humanity is that people are judgemental and mean and frightened. Who is going to challenge that i wonder? is someone interesting finally going to walk past and give me a reason to hope there is more to this.

    #387293
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yesterday i accidentally locked myself out and had to call my dad to use their spare key to get back in, luckily they were not out and he could help as i had just stepped out to pick something up from a friend. Ive done this by accident before, it happens when of course i´m distracted and stressed, doing too many things at once. My dad was not impressed but not surprised. He doesnt shout, its just a kind of “we know you are flaky” kind of disapproval. He then said they should spend less time with me…if you recall i have had no contact with my parents for about a month, since my mom had a tantrum and got mad at me. She was maybe feeling left out or bored or who knows. And i was complaining a lot about my work which was very intense this year. I have trouble managing workload as i tend to lean in and don´t ever quit. But this year it was a lot, mental and physical. But my mom doesnt understand…i cant just quit my job as she says and “do something else” when i have nowhere to go. I dont make a lot extra each month to support that.

    After my dad let me in and i got on with the many appointments but afterwards i felt really sad and lonely..abandoned. Just like my ex, just like some friends i have had. They prefer to make me feel bad it seems. After all you dont expect getting older, that your own family will turn out like this, especially when you are patient with their moments..but my parents, they have each other. I have noone. I felt ashamed of their behaviour. Angry. depressed and totally lost.

    I feel like im just this natural victim, the person that others hit.. even my own parents! its sometimes hard to believe this.

    My sister has not reached out at all but likely is that she also feels hurt and somehow its all my fault.

    Its enfuriating that other people can get away with this ugly behaviour and blame it all on me. I feel there is just no love left there and thats shocking. But its also as though, all those years..i overlooked behaviours that were perhaps more malicious and that i ignored that because to see the truth would have been really awful. Could that really be the case? my sister resents me and so does my mom? are they really that cold?

    I thought about what i can do in future to avoid calling them for help..ill get a keysafe. Living alone, its not uncommon i imagine, to get locked out. It never happens to my parents because they have each others key.

    My life is completely absorbed by work. My hours are insane. But you might say i do this to myself. I want to get everything done, if i left it to regular hours, i swear that half my clients would go unanswered. Ive asked that we get help with this but its not happening. I see that the girl who took my old role (permanently in the office) has all new equipment..whereas i had to make do with saving money, she has immediately been given a lot more. Again, i feel a victim. And i work more now..to cover up the fact that there is no “life” to enjoy. if only i can make that bit more money, ill be OK.

    I wish i knew how to turn this “fate” around, this victimization? or mentality that i have grown into. I think ive always lived in a dreamlike state..thinking this was preferable to being totally present and entertained by what is around me..i dont live like that. Ive got what i think is a fairly creative and free mind. I dont get a rise out of making jokes of other people because i immediately think of the consequences, i dont wait for life to provide me with the input i need because i can make it up myself.  Generally speaking, i can entertain myself or at least keep busy. I see that generally, most people are the kind that need input all the time, and when they dont, they just switch off, nothing going on inside. Somewhere out there are people like me, i just never found many of them. crushed under the weight of the importance of others.

    I feel like im just angry and frustrated at this situation..with my family, with feeling that life has gotten the better of me. I cant seem to think of what to do, to get out of the work i dont enjoy…to make a living for myself and be more in control of my income…sounds stupid. I just maybe am scared to try. But no surprise, since when i try, ive been knocked down so much.

    Ive not been watching the tarot readings as much as i used to..mainly because none of what they say runs true anymore..mr right isnt coming, something is not going to magically happen when im working with no time free. Ive not made big money, it disappears just as fast and im realising now..i cant work any harder and i dont seem to be able to work smarter. I just feel i wish someone could help but maybe thats just not possible.

     

     

    #387059
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im still just totally exhausted, to the point where i become really wired and cant relax. Lucky me i can still sleep. The work i have at the moment is intense and demands a lot but i dont seem to get anywhere.. it feels im shooting laser beams on Mars and others are staring with their mouth open and a cigarette hanging from their lips. I can say ive done my best with this year but its definitely trying to kill me.

    And when you are really struggling, as a single person, at a time like this you need support. Luckily i have some friends around if i need them but family are still not talking to me and i have no idea why? except that my mom told me I am selfish, which came out of the blue. If i complain to her when im worn out because i have two jobs she says im lucky because i live alone and dont have to check decisions with someone else…my attention is drawn to my poor sister (making a lot of money with a family) or the family friend but my tough situation is never validated with her. And if something is wrong why would they not SAY SO!?. Sometimes i wonder what they expect is going to happen,  will i get over their comments and come crawling back to them so that they dont have to apologise at all? just forget it? or explode from how miserable they are. Am i being unfair? I keep wondering what it was that i did. or if they are actually sick? am i? I certainly can´t read minds but i can feel damaged by their actions.

    I have clients  in my working life who demand and yell at me, everyone gets what they wants but are very angry about it all the way through (from stress)….recently one actually apologised and i was a little surprised, we dont get apologies very often.

    I just feel angry at the way im treated and yet i have no idea how to fix it. Things dont seem to improve but just drag out, on and on.

    Should i reach out to my parents, to my sister?

     

     

     

    #386752
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  I dont understand life, i dont get it. Im older now, i should have the opportunity to give support and guidance to younger people because ive made it. like my parents (except not like them) just to have the opportunity to say, here is what is going to happen! I think i always thought, if i just work harder, if i just put more effort in it will pay off. If im just nice and patient and believe that everything good happens to all of us and sometimes there are bad times, if i try harder, if i just try to squeeze myself into a certain personality maybe the guy wont leave, maybe the boss will treat me with respect, maybe the colleague wont be jealous. My dad raised me to not rock the boat, to keep my head down…it doesnt work, the jerks are out there laughing always.

    Lately, ive put so many hours in that i cant do more…its like the wolves are circling and salivating, its crazy right now. Im not the kind of person to react my emotions but im suffering for it..people just being abusive.

    For example: Im overrun with multiple clients, on top of that we are expected to bring in listings for new properties but there is no time, also to manage the sales process which can be over months. One client ive been helping has been SO much work that i honestly think my brain is being picked so that they can start their own business…at the same time i cant say that for sure but they wont make a decision, they want certainty in THEIR decision from me and i cant give it. Its stupid. Ive spent almost a month working with him, he brings a friend along and she scrutinizes everything i say, they ask me questions about my life, she was even leaning over my shoulder to see what i was texting on my phone during a visit, non of her business!!

    Another is an owner of a house, i am responsible for their contract which i fought hard to get but they are very arrogant, i warned my colleagues to be quick with feedback, seeing what kind of people they were and unfortunately one agent upset them so much that they called me and yelled down the phone that not only my colleague but I was unprofessional and that i had ALSO not been working well with them and they had had enough. They spoke to our manager who i was not able to warn in time because she would not answer her phone. After they finished yelling at everyone…i got a call some days later, much calmer and subdued asking to work with us again, but ONLY with me.  In other words, i now have to be available to take clients of my colleagues. This means i will still be the punching bag and my colleagues now dont want to send clients there in case i get paid something.

    So, my small wins.

    My gratitude today…if that is all there is for me in the world, was that an associate we work with a lot, “sort of” stood up for me today when i was chewed out by the latest angry, arrogant and greedy client who was “unhappy with the service”, he was furious almost out of nowhere…and i smell an unjustified complaint in order not to pay us..People are real slimebags that way.  Im supposed to be on holiday now but that doesnt matter.

    We were standing with the client and he was complaining. The associate said to me not to leave just yet then said to me in her language (which the client cant understand) that he was an A** and that she had so many difficulties with him, that it was almost over and repeated i was NOT to worry about what he was saying. Maybe she could tell i was worked half to death and couldnt take more. He stood to the side of us and i could tell he realised she was on my side. On the other hand, when speaking to him she didnt defend me, she just said the issues were not a problem. To me she said basically she had enough of him too and not to worry about it.

    When people are kind like this its such a shock.

    What is interesting about this person is that many years ago, i had made an amazing sale, possibly the highest our agency has made in the last 6 years, and just as the contracts were signed and everything was certain and i of course worked my ass off as everyone sulked and looked jealous..my boss decided to give this associate a bit more money, which meant i had to receive less.  This was local politics or whatever, this woman asked and my boss agreed. I never forgot that, after that point my view of my boss changed, at that point i knew, i was part of the hamster wheel not a wonderful colleague.

    Today, as i felt weak and defeated and grateful this woman had said these things, all i could think about was, that this was a payout for that previous damage…..

    But yeah, small handouts of sympathy…do they lead to happy ever after? or just cover the wounds.

    Speaking of laughing jerks..while i wrote this, some of my esteemed colleagues were on whatsapp making veiled comments about my friends´success. It was obvious they were jealous and making little stabs at her, she reacted..not too strongly but made it known their comments were weird…its this kind of lack of support, lack of team and mean little comments that we both hate. The others are much more typical sales people…like men in a lockerroom (one is a woman). This by the way was way after working hours. Our boss´reaction? to say that we can expect adverse people in our environment and to keep believing in ourselves. While thats really a nice thought…if you SEE and HEAR bullying in your office, how would you deal with it? i think i would deal with it directly.

     

     

    #386612
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    What you are saying in the previous message..i can see you are bored by my story. I certainly dont blame you. Who the hell am i and what is the incentive to help someone like me.

    #386591
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Today im running on adrenalin for sure.

    Ive worked since i woke up and was on the phone non stop until it burned hot and lost battery. My email account was full and rejecting emails…I had to use a second account. Basically my computer or phone can´t keep up the pace. One client was on the phone 2 hours so lunch had to wait. Most of our clients dont have much else to do with their time, they are bored…so they pester us with demands and if we dont respond quickly they lose it.

    Im sort of hanging on. I dont know how. Because i cant believe that this is how life is supposed to be, working till your head spins (another colleague said on the phone to me today) we are overworked then it can go completely dead…so everyone says its great its so busy..but its really unhealthy! If i was boss, i would try to find a way in which we can share the income. When i used to run the office, i kept trying to promote a team basis of support but when it came down to it, that was just me helping everyone else. The girl who does my old job now, leaves at 6 on the dot. I think maybe people think im a fool but i would prefer to work in a happy atmosphere, making less, than an aggressive environment making more. Goes to show im not a true salesman.

    I feel somehow that im still in the middle of this weird cosmic energy but coming out the other side..I just dont want it to ever happen again. You know the feeling, like you are running through a tunnel of people hitting you either side. Its too much. Ive no idea if i did something in a former life, born under a dark star or just plain unlucky but these things tend to follow me more than most i think.

     

    #386550
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, The idea sounds great. But in the greater scheme of things, i get no relief or results from being outgoing. My mother told me she walked out of two jobs for her pride..she had a husband by then so i guess she thought she could afford to stick her finger up in those days. If i did that today there would be no immediate sense of revenge and victory but more a sense of panic.

    Hope there are other people out there who feel the same as sometimes i think im the only one working this hard and having such a hard time. I honestly today felt like really there must be something karmic about the amount of crap coming my  way. While my most fortunate colleague gets another sale, i am struggling to get anywhere and with angry clients left and right. Its unreal.

    And when things get SO unreal, i start to think that someone is sabotaging me in my work. Is that probable? Im just feeling very anxious about being watched and manipulated as things come up so regularly it cant be coincidence. But if that is true, what is their problem with me? am i being punished for some racial reason, some nationalistic reason? Im really tired right now, worked through the whole weekend like the last two..this is really getting to me.

     

     

     

     

     

    #386432
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im rewriting a lot again. I dont want to complain so much, i want to learn to be better.

    The trouble with what matters: of course it matters. We ALL want our family to be a cohesive unit. None of us set out to have relatives who wont talk. My ex used to tell me about a feud he had with his sister, she had taken her part of the inheritance and the others sold their part to her (their fathers house) on the premise she would not sell it, but she did. My ex had not seen or spoken to her in years. These things cut so deep.

    My parents have always been close to me and yet, at the same time, my mother IS a narcissist. She does manipulate and make problems for us. She is currently not talking to me for an unknown reason. Its hurtful, its cruel and a mother should take the high road but my mom was never much like others..my sister and her did not get on when younger. Now, at a huge distance from each other, they message every day but in person, there are always sparks.

    I would love to be able to tell everyone to F off, but that would not be very mature. There´s long term damage at this point in your life, you can do that when you are young. Everything in my life has been absolutely reverse of what is normal!

     

    #386410
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I know what you are saying…ive looked for other jobs but they seem to be similar, . I seriously looked at another company about 6 months ago but it was just too much of a risk at the time to make the move. I just wasnt sure id make any money because of Covid.

    But i know have to leave this job because my boss doesnt respect anything i do and honestly seems either jealous or angry with me for i dont know what.

    Ive already been on sick leave before this and that was when i applied for the other job. The main problem for me is the language barrier, i can get by but im not as fluent as people demand..truth is, others will attest, when you live in a foreign country, they will never find your language good enough, its a matter of pride to find some fault. There is another foreign language i speak fluently but im still not accepted there either! However everyone thinks they can speak english, even when they cant.

    Ive had previous experience of workplace bullying by my boss, so now of course i assume its all me, my fault. I think back then it started because i never objected but tried to do everything. i always said no problem, my workload increased and increased..eventually i was struggling, i asked for help and my boss told me no, repeatedly. i suffered a mental breakdown and was on sick leave for almost a year..my boss suffered a stroke and i think its likely he blamed me, he probably thought i would make a lawsuit but i was too sick for a long time. We had been going through a huge double audit, i was given a lot of extra work, unpaid, because he had fired an assistant we had. It was unfair on me but no one cared, i was part of a machine and i was a young woman. I emerged from the smoke with shattered self esteem and no chance to go further, i was given a job in a quiet corner out of harms way, people looked at me strangely and kept away. At the time i knew that part of my road to success was over. The job i was given was unfulfilling and eventually i quit when i couldnt stand any more, unfortunately it was right in the downturn of the economy and i ended up spending 2 years on employment benefits applying and never finding anything. I developed an anxiety about not having a job, understandably. I stayed in a depression but was lucky enough to find free therapy where i lived.

    As a result of my past experiences, giving up my job is a scary prospect because i never got the self esteem back, i feel people dont really want me or respect me. When i have complained to my parents that i cant keep going on they are anxious that i dont quit more than anything else. So then i feel guilty and just keep going.

    Today was a truly awful day, clients complaining left and right, somehow all involving me in some way but not my fault…and then the meeting as well. its so frustrating when i am doing my best to meet everyone elses needs.  It could be the moon and mercury retrograde for sure. But i just wish whatever it is would stop beating me up as it seems to target me every time.

    If i could, i would leave straight away but i honestly dont know what to do, i dont have any savings..the life here sucks it up fast mainly because i live alone, it costs more. I could try and get a room mate. Other than that the only thing i could do would be to sell my apartment.

    I want, for my colleagues to say something about this treatment. Its not right. I want my boss to realise her double standards. Just before i go, i want to make a really big sale…so that i can show them im good at what i do. I keep trying but it just happens to someone else instead. Im always struggling.

    #386406
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Another really awful day today, again, out of the blue. Why is this happening?

    we had an office zoom meeting in the morning..it was hard to get motivated for it as its the end of summer so we are really feeling it, people have been so demanding this year. The young girl who replaced me in my old job has been working less than 6 months, she has been leading our weekly office meetings (when i did it i was interrupted, disagreed with and talked down to! by colleagues AND boss) but this girl is more street and local and she gets less stress than i did. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting she started to ask what to do about giving clients to….me (name) as though i was not right there? because, she explained, she thought some clients talk really fast (in her native language)..and maybe they would not want to work with me….there was a silence. She seemed to suggest i couldn´t handle the enquiries because of the language barrier (im not greatly fluent sometimes i struggle and as for help) but it came across as really racist to me. She is young and full of confidence, perhaps she thought she could single me out, being the only foreigner and everyone would agree with her authority? My boss as usual said nothing but looked sulky.By the way, we have to be able to speak english too..i hardly hear her speak it, she doesnt say much…so i guess she is not that fluent but wouldnt you know it, no one cares about that.

    I found myself, yet again, after 7 years experience, defending my position and my work, which is proven with receipts. The large majority of our clients speak other languages and communicate in English but this is an issue of national pride that has always been a nerve. I laughed and said then we should then count the clients whose language i can speak as mine (i speak 3 languages more or less fluently) Once again it was ME who had to stand up and defend herself for standing out physically and culturally.

    Later after the meeting i asked why this issue was raised and she said it was her idea and then got passive aggressive saying i took it the wrong way. Then she apologised. Two colleagues came to my defense and the rest stared blankly and said nothing. The whole time during our meeting i also received an irate call from a client 2x and this lost me a listing because a colleague had been sloppy.

    I was so angry and upset that i couldnt even see my screen straight, i had to keep working through my frustration and anger.

     

    Throughout this summer i have worked SO hard that sometimes i cry at the end of the day, i wish i was joking. I have developed chronic back and arm pains from desk work, when i have a minute, i take my dog for the walks she needs so often or i eat at my computer while working.

    I have no one to help, i just have to do it.

    How do i get out of this black hole? I cant work this hard for ever because i know it would kill me, i already feel suicidal from this pace, from the miserable feelings i have. I feel trapped because i literally cant seem to make enough although i have 2 jobs. Younger generations are so much smarter, they know more…i just feel tired and beaten. We are getting a new colleague we are told, i saw her, she is very young so will have plenty of energy..instead of help and support, we are threatened with losing our jobs.

    I dont know what to do…i need someone to recognize that what happened was wrong! i feel everyone looks the other way.

    #386276
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Like you say, sometimes i need to vent when things are dramatic or just too much. I dont know what it is..do i complain too much, if i do, how do i handle the difficulties. I had a really tough August.  Other people have partners to talk to, people to confide in, i dont have anyone. I think my home situation is also harder because my dog is a really difficult situation, she needs 4x walks a day and constant entertainment or she goes crazy and chews everything..on top of my day job and side job its almost too much i have to try and stay on top of it all. Ive torn myself apart thinking of giving her up, she´s all i have. It just feels too hard.

    Ive no idea what my mother has issues with out of the blue..i really dont…i even thought that maybe this is the beginning of dementia. A client of mine has been dealing with his wife in that situation and told me she gets very aggressive and accusatory. But it just hurts all the same, all the accusations, it reminded me of my ex…who did something very similar on a regular basis. I used to cry a lot, i dont cry at all now. Call it a safeguard not having anyone. But i saw the comparisons then between the two people, now im frightened to meet anyone new, what if they are like them? What if i can only be attracted to someone that cruel? I can´t wish hell on my mother, but i believe in karma taking its toll, i believe it will for those who cause pain.

    Meanwhile and unfortunately i have a father who is very weak and will not stand up to my mother. When any conflict arose he would take her side, no matter what. We talked about therapy some years ago when she had a serious depression about her health and he did nothing. He wont go against her wishes, its a very twisted relationship and impossible to change.

    My older sister, with who i have a strained relationship.. is at a safe distance in the states with her family of 3 and she keeps a very close eye on my mom, calling every day with messages. She continues to tell our parents that she wants to buy a house where we live (a second home). And has repeatedly pushed for over 10 years for money to get this.  She had a chance to move over where we are but instead met her partner, had a kid, opened a business and they are doing well. But she always wants a lot more and i think she worked out that at a distance, she can manipulate better. I always thought we had a good relationship, but since she had a child, she changed a lot and now she is overbearing to the point of obnoxious, correcting me on things in conversation, being competitive etc.

    We fell out last year because she always abuses us when she stays, never has money (despite saying she is doing great) and always borrows clothes then leaves them in a mess when she goes. I think its meant to be some signal of her feelings from the past, she never talks about her feelings but i dont care anymore, its disrespectful. Now she doesnt speak to me but still tells our parents she plans to buy something here. Im not sure why she would want to be near except for the idea she might have control of any inheritance (which wont be much). i reached a limit with her behaviour, especially since she is now a mom.  I was always the one in the family, to smooth things, to take the high road. But now im waiting for her better nature ( for over a year).  To be honest..i feel my sister always resented me, she is the older child but has always felt the grass was greener for someone/anyone else, she has had a nice life.

    I just feel so bitter and angry. All of these assholes giving me grief when i have always been there for them! my own family and also friends. There is something i have to change. Im tired of hearing that its the moon, or that people are just funny…NO! some people are just plain awful.. and think that you are never going to say anything or change. Im tired of people taking me for granted.

     

     

    #382754
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Holidays are kind of strange for me…i dont know what to do. Im really a workaholic because spare time is not something i have enjoyed in years.even when with the bf i ended up working for him too.

    I guess yes, you can see it that way about younger relationships. while i had sad moments, breakups and difficulties, it was nothing like it has been now. I had no difficulty in meeting people because i fit in more easily. I feel very much that me not having kids has made me an outcast, I guess thats a separate issue! I had no desire to be a mother…and struggled with this for many years, its sometimes unfair that you feel your own body (feelings) is defying you, making life harder for you. I feel certain that if i had a child, i would be more accepted in the culture i live in now. Children are in fact, the glue for many relationships that otherwise would not be or for some, it brings people closer together…i missed out that part.

    Some people get angry when things dont work out, dust themselves off and find another partner (my sister), others cry for a bit and then try meeting people again, and again (my friend). After this last relationship…i felt a block like an actual wall when i tried to make contact with another person,..it seems the fear was so bad that I didnt even want to say “hello” expecting that 2- 5 years down the line i would end up back on my own again.  So i didnt want to even try the first step.

    Ive realised slowly that there are other issues that sit underneath trying to make a relationship work as it is really more about how you want to live your life and it seems i must be really different to other people in what drives me. But getting to the answers has been really difficult for me, i cant seem to find definition to what i want and who i am. Im just resigned to the fact that im much more messed up than i ever thought!

    I think the lack of clarity leads and manifests into physical problems too. Over years now, i feel generally very tired all the time, i rarely feel energy. My mind is the big wheel and my body limps along behind. Now that i have developed some problems in my back and leg…i feel very much how my mental state has affected my body. Living alone, there is no one nagging me to get anything done or to stop obsessing…i just do what i do with no mirror. There are some benefits to have a partner to keep you in check. As long as they genuinely care of course.

     

     

     

     

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