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sossi

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  • #379474
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    What you wrote here, i think is probably the core of it…which i sort of realised when i looked back on the relationship with my ex and then compared it to the relationship with my mother.

    “Why am I attracted to witty and entertaining people only to find them mocking me and making fun that turns into hurtful cruelty?”- you were born to a witty and entertaining woman who mocked you and made fun of you and was cruel to you. Next, you see her in other people, often assuming that they mock you and make fun of you when really, they don’t.

    But how do you move away from that negative yet attracting pattern? I get so tied up in my thinking. For instance, when i first went through the breakup with my ex..i poured over so many explanations and landed on the conclusion he was a narcissist. Because he fit the description well.

    But with time and age, i was seeing other sides to the story as well, and then am not so sure of my diagnosis again. For instance, if he was such a narcissist why would he visibly seem regretful and say sorry to me..even if it was no grovelling apology. Someone with a lack of empathy would not even notice that anything was wrong. Is my mother a narcissist too? she has also shown she is sorry or once or twice apologised even though that was very rare. or are they both bipolar? Ive believed there is mental illness in my family, undiagnosed because people feel shame and want to hide it. Ive faced my problems without hiding anything because mine has been much more disruptive and to the surface but the rest seem to ignore and shove things under the rug. Sometimes i feel people would rather not know and switch on a movie, pretend its not happening.

    I feel a bit better now its weekend. More drama today but im tired out by it. My boss did something yesterday publically in a meeting that left me so angry…i avoided writing a serious email to her today…i was feeling so awful as it was about discrimination.. i felt powerless and belittled. But somehow ive made it through without cracking.  Another time.

    #379283
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I feel like the last months I’ve been like a person on a bumper car ride at the fair…I crash into one thing and then another and another. I turn around and someone hits me in the side and the back. It feels physical and maybe manifested as the back pain. It hasn’t ended but with each crash I tense up more and more. Every day brings a new problem, every day I feel im hanging on..barely able to stay sane or even wanting to continue like this.

    I met a client who has gone through divorce recently, she is struggling with money and has also sustained a back injury or pain…this is not really a coincidence is it, the same things. My colleague was also inconsolable about arguments she had with the boss, the difficulty the abusive pressurising. There is nothing more to say except leave. My neck became so stiff from the stress of keeping in anger, of trying so hard to keep it together.

    If I could let go of the injustice and anger with other people’s behaviour, maybe I could deal with it. My ex I´m sure is fine with his decisions. He will say he just moved on and because no one questions the actions of a man (sorry its true) he will get away with the cruel details of how he did it. As a man he will feel guilt but also won’t spend long feeling that way. My boss will say she “had to make a decision” on the future of the company and that is why I have been bullied and sabotaged in my work. Fake concern with colleagues and then being “broken down” in public at our meetings.

    I just want people to be held accountable for their behaviour, as I sure have in my life. Instead it seems I am being beaten down by all of the evil side of people. Today I just feel so angry. I have felt like that most days that I have to interact with them.

    Ironically my parents have been supportive and now I feel bad that I would complain about them…its all bitterness building up in me due to all the horrible things that have happened. They are not so aware how hard it has been for me.

    Wow, another awful day.

     

     

     

     

     

    #379239
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think my lumbar pain has been localised on one side …this has been something that flared up last winter..i really think it was me doing too much lifting of heavy things by myself. Its hard to avoid computer work for hours on end, but i try to get up and move around..In fact i just had to change my job to accomodate this problem. I used to sit in the office 5 days a week glued to the desk and i knew i couldnt do it anymore, not mentally (with my combative and non communicative management) and not physically because of this..its like it made the decision for me! Im now a sales agent, so i can do most of my work from home but have much less income security on commission. It seems like a nuts decision in this market but i just couldnt do it anymore.

    im also worried because when i was a teenager i had a serious traffic accident and my hip/s was fractured (i dont know for sure but not enough for surgery they said) I was about 16 and was under concussion, couldnt remember the accident. After this i remember i had back problems (shoulder and neck pain) years after, at different times in my life..i never really put it all together. I have only a file of papers that described my injuries generally but i may have to call up a hospital if i want to find out exactly what they were.

    Regardless of that, many YEARS later, i now have a lower back problem that when it flares up…my hip joints and lower back are just awful, its hard to describe but its like a burning aching like fire and no position seemed to ease it. Its calmed down today a bit more so that has only been 2 intense days thankfully. I had been visiting a chiropracter but it was not improving…just a day or two after visiting them, i would have back ache again but nothing major. I stopped going because although he helped alignment of the spine it was really expensive and then i had experienced a lapse when i couldnt walk for a week…i decided to stop and just recover at home.

    This time, i think i overdid my exercise routine, doing some leg lifts (only incremental movements) which means the hip joints are stretched. I dont really know which specialist to see anymore. A friend said see an osteopath maybe worth a try or back to the chiro.

    On the subject of my mother, i think i have a hard time crystalizing and clearly viewing what the problems are. At times we bond well in certain ways but in many others she had a lack of understanding, empathy and seemingly would turn any event back to focus on her own life and problems. You could start talking about something that was bothering you …and find yourself once again, going over her childhood issues with this friend she used to know, or something about that person or family member etc.

    I feel guilt in saying these things too. My parents have done a LOT for me, they´ve had to because for some reason everything has been difficult for me. No one hit me and at times theyve been very supportive saying they can always help. As an older woman now, i have doubts sometimes about my mothers honest intentions and behaviours. Can it be a strange jealousy of her own daughters? This competiveness and need to control that reveals itself in fights where she suddenly asserts, “this is MY home, MY car, MY etc”.

    Its age old to me now, im used to it. But i know that my mother puts on a best behaviour around non-family members…which to her includes friends, boyfriends/partners of some years. I think my sister has knowingly and understandingly kept her partner from interacting too much…because of this problem. But in a funny twist, i feel my sister is developing a similar know it all behaviour…

    For my parents, i dont know what their issue is with “other” people. But im sure its that they cant control us if we are with someone else. They have a need to be the authority.

    So i guess it comes back to failures again, this suits very well…these failures in my life mean they will stay the authority. They have more money than me, a successful relationship, children. I have not. Somehow i feel if suddenly it changed and i met some guy and we had more than them…it would bother them, they would shrink in size maybe. Its sad isnt it, to think you have a sinking feeling of introducing your family…because your mother might end up sulking and/or crying in the bedroom because its not her spotlight?

    My parents have only met 2 of my ex boyfriends parents…including this last ex. other times they have ever met “other family” there has been what feels like nuclear fallout from what i hear about it afterwards. My former ex partner´s parents were very different to us socially and my mom really felt instant dislike ….which she still reminds me of to this day, 15 years later. She also had a big problem with my sister´s ex father in law, they seemed to get on at first and then there was an incident at her wedding which was unforgiveable that i never saw. They also instantly dont like my sisters current inlaws because they are living marginally closer to my sister and their grandchild. I think all of this is about control. They feel enormous jealousy.

    So with this backdrop in my mind, when my parents met my ex´s parents i was really nervous…to my surprise they seemed OK with each other, no insults thrown by way of the wrong thing said or anything…just..ok. My mom did something really weird though. They were sitting around a table and talking and she suddenly, like a young girl, got up and sat on my dad´s knee as she talked to them and laughed girlishly. As i was there, i thought it was highly bizarre behaviour. No one reacted like anything weird had happened but she had never done that before.

    Bearing that in mind, his parents did well just to take it all in their stride. I liked them very much as well. Since nothing horrible happened i thought it was like a miracle.

     

    #379170
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, Thank you for the tip for back pain, im fairly sure i overextended due to doing some leg exercise a bit too much. Big mistake as i have been suffering the consequences. I really feel like an old woman with this back problem…of all the things but im too young for that. I did go to the hospital had a check up and they think its facet joint pain..their solution was to give me an injection of steroids to see if that alleviated the pain, then they would know for sure…im not keen to do that though.

    Well, about bullying..my ex had a grown son, and when he met my mom he told his dad that she wasn´t very kind to me. I think what he was referring to was the teasing that my mom liked to do. For example it was usual that when i had a boyfriend over and i was making something in the kitchen my mom would tease me and the boyfriend (as it happened with more than one boyfriend) would join in. In this instance i had made dinner for his family (i was extremely stressed because it was not typical for me to cook for so many people) and likely my mom was teasing again. This would be seen as a sort of bonding experience for them at my expense. It seemed innocent to me but looking back i can see that maybe there was something else there.

    Since i was with my ex for some years he would hear me complain about my mom´s unreasonable behaviour whenever she was acting up and would also see it for himself time to time and i think he concluded that she was a difficult person. but i know he also liked her as they were similarly sharp and could bounce off each other. Since we had broken up, i had called him once out of desperation as my sister and parents had caused a rift and i couldnt handle their behaviour..i felt i was going to have to just leave them behind. It was typical for my sister to visit, build up a tension between her and my mother, cause a fight and then take her flight home and forget about us for a while..leaving me with the pieces. The only person i felt i could talk to was him, since he knew me a long time and my family problems.

    I feel im rambling on and can´t structure my thoughts at the moment.

    About feeling upbeat- im so used to my downward looking depressive nature but would like to be more hopeful. I think the influence of my mom has always been depressive. I have a friend who said she didnt think she had ever been depressed. She can get angry and upset but she doesnt ever seem to stay in a low mood. I have times lately where i just want to stay in bed all day.

     

     

     

    #379145
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think it was a largely carefree childhood but i certainly noticed the similarities between my ex and my mom. Ive met lots of people who blame things that have happened to them on their parents, their upbringing and things that happened out of their control. I think i feel my childhood was great because ive heard stories from other people i knew and they were so much worse.

    But i have still got a mother who is pretty unsatisfied with what she has, and in my eyes she has had it fairly good. Certainly compared to her daughters, as my sister and i have both struggled with money. My sister is now doing better as she has a partner and they have been able to build up their own business..but its not been as fortunate as i think my parents had it. Part of the boomer generation stereotype, they sometimes dont understand why its so hard for us. But circumstances have changed.

    My mom has gotten somewhat worse in her self-righteousness with older age. My father is obsessive with her, totally focussed on her well-being. But this makes her grouchy and irritable. She says hes driving her nuts. He has always been like this though in later life without work, his focus is now just her. Ive always thought that was creepy and weird. They are always together, which sounds nice but i wouldn’t want it like that. I know my mom would like to do her own thing sometimes but she also plays the victim, and gets him to do most things for her. So the complaining is just part of a game really.

    My ex said when he left me that he didn’t want to end up like them, but neither did i. He seemed to resent my dad´s straight laced approach to life, more of a salary man than my ex who was an entrepreneur. I know my dad didnt really like his loose concept of right and wrong, certainly in regards to me. My ex always got on very well with my mom but he was able to charm most women, but he didnt like her bullying way with me.

    Listening to myself im already bored with how dull my life sounds. I know what it looks like to others. I wish i had a fantastic social life and felt upbeat all the time and had a bunch of kids and looked and felt “normal”. But i know i dont look and feel normal.

    Today my back and hips have been killing me and this chronic pain is something ive never experienced before in my life. It makes me depressed and tearful. The pain is dull like period pain but strong and constant in my hip joints and lower back. Sometimes i feel sick. Sometimes the pain ive felt from missing my ex has been similar to this. So this feels like a punishment of some kind, for not being brave, or moving on or something. I know im sounding irrational and i have to be patient, i think i overdid some exercises and its set something off i dont know what…but its scary to think this could get worse..i suddenly understand how people became hooked on painkillers ..Im not taking anything, ill try to improve with exercise.

     

     

    #379064
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Nothing has turned a corner yet, im feeling either tired or angry most of the time, the anger keeps me going without which i just fall back into depression.  I realise that i can never get away from thoughts of my ex, he is part of the wallpaper in there. And at work things just continue to shoot bullets so they ricochet around the room. I feel like im watching a desperate struggle for power from this family member, its a bit insane.

    My colleague had a fight with him the other day and he started playing victim …its plain by the actions that he is just greedy, he wants all the money, all the power and is highly controlling. im tired of the games.

    Ive avoided contact as much as possible but it will be hard to do.

    I don´t miss my childhood, i miss my adulthood! i wonder so much why im so bad at this. I have not had success in any area of my life. Ive needed financial support from my family without which i would just drown. Ive worked so hard to build something up but somehow im paid just enough to live. Its hopeless.

    I guess it means that i can´t take care of myself…at all. Even if i try. For most women i know, they get married and then some of the weight and responsibility is shared, life is easier if you are in a partnership for sure, financially but also emotionally. But im also aware, if not just from my failed attempts, that sometimes the stress is just not worth it and there is no guarantee that your other half will want to take care of you in the same way. That was my situation in at least 3 relationships, so maybe i came across as too independent.

    My childhood was more carefree yes. I had a lot of freedom and i was in a secure home. No physical abuse. But my mother was depressive and certainly in my teens i remember spending hours sorting out her problems with her. I think i believed in my early teens that i could fix these things. She must have felt very alone herself but is also a very complicated and demanding person. My dad travelled a lot so effectively we were raised without him around much. My sister was also out most of the time, avoiding the family and sulky when she was at home. I felt like she didnt like being around and judging by little comments later in her life, that would be correct. I also took my councelling hat to school with me and when people needed to talk i found it interesting to learn about how they thought about things, trying to iron out the problems and find a solution. My mind is always searching to understand the intentions of other people.

    My ex reminded me of my mother a lot. They were very similar in character…easygoing and playful and then able to be sharply unfair or unkind, both Air signs.

     

    #378946
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I tried to write again and then kept running out of time.

    Everytime i write something down i seem to write about things from a different angle, its not consistent in mood or subject and i think its because my life seems to be in turmoil all the time lately.

    Right now its evening so i feel slightly safer, better, calmer. But today was another tricky day for work and that seems to be a rollercoaster for me at the moment of resentment, anger and just…suffering. What can i say, i want to leave so much but i can´t, its a bad time, it was never a good time! And in leaving, i will have lost everything ive worked for over the past 7 years..its just awful and unfair but thats life when you work for other people.

    Today, the family member mostly avoided me and whenever i saw him he was slightly menacing/ proprietorial. He kind of mocked my inability to follow the conversation in their language and said something then switched to english saying  “isn´t that right Sossi?”. I somehow stayed calm all day, replied without any malice to his questions and was almost laughing to myself at how i could hold it all in, how did i manage not to rip his stupid head off? But no doubt he felt some kind of resentment himself, judging by his behaviour. I know it hurt his ego badly to lose the big prize sale he thought would impress everyone. But it was a fruitless day for me and i need a chance to make some income this month so im very worried.

    By the end of the day, i felt really deflated from the lack of anything concrete for me and meanwhile our phones were pinging with news of his getting 2 new sales agreed, lucky for him.

    Right at the END of the day when we had all gone home, he sent a public message to me asking with a fairly demanding tone about a property. I wont go into detail but it was particularly aggressive i thought because the owner is very ill in hospital and i am fond of her AND he knows this. So i replied as calmly as i could that it was not the time to ask….i could see that he had intended to call me out in front of all the others instead of asking me directly, which i would do…and instead came across as callous and greedy.And i know its because he felt victorious after a good day so was probably high on adrenalin.

    A little bit later he hastily wrote a kind of failed catch of the ball, “i just wanted to know the status etc”. But i know it has not come across very well and possibly infuriated him even more because he can’t seem to get past me or rile me in any way.

    The tone of the text has left me feeling sick, furious and crying from frustration that this nasty person is given so much success by my stupid boss. I know she is scared to face us and just doesnt want to hear about it. This particular client is another longstanding customer of mine who has been loyal to our company, my boss knew them before me, thats more than 7 years ago.

    This has really kind of eclipsed my feelings about my ex today. It seems im surrounded by everything negative, it feels like they are trying to destroy me.

    Maybe now it seems more apparent…that thinking about my ex is a kind of escape at the moment when i dont feel strong. I didnt see it that way when his news hurt me but now i do. I know that with previous times having good news or really bad news…i want to talk to him. Now that feeling is also taboo. So i just feel trapped and frustrated.

    I know that i have to speak to my boss about this, AGAIN. But can predict the outcome will be denial and defence of her family.

    My colleague told me early this morning she had decided definitely to leave..we have both suffered from the way things are now at the office.

     

    SO….it seems to be, that what i originally wrote for has morphed into something else. For both situations i just want to go and get away from them physically and mentally. Im trying to leave work sensibly, with a plan in place, working with my friend. But the harrassment is hard to take. As for my ex, he seems to show up physically or mentally at times when i feel im getting better..

    I think back to how things were before i got to this country. It wasnt so much easier with work, i spent some time unemployed and that was just as frightening. Ive always had a hard time with work and so i get very anxious with this kind of situation.

    From depression to joy? I don´t really know what to say. Im not used to excited joy, last time i may have felt that way would have been around my ex…and then never again. years ago.

    Dark and intense – well, when i was younger i think i was introverted, shy, creative and sometimes funny. Humor was my way of diffusing situations, it worked with my parents whenever they were intense as my mom can be. I was soft and i think, kind and naive. I dont feel i was aware of myself but other kids were aware of themselves and others. I know that other kids may have wished they had a different situation or life (my sister too) but i didnt have that feeling, i just accepted what was and felt it was enough. When i look back, i feel that is kind of zen, that i grounded myself strongly in my own sense, and that has helped me later in life when i am dealing with crap alone. My time alone is important to me, and is my kind of meditation which helps me to deal with the outside world. I learnt how to comfort myself.

    I see how for other people that is not the case. They look for outside stimulus to keep themselves happy, they are always looking for a solution to their loneliness, even in a relationship. I guess i can be thankful i have this.

    At the moment i have found it very hard to focus though, all these things wearing me down. But the feelings i felt very strongly about my ex are slowly subsiding and going away. I think, i hope, that with the beginning of May there will be a better view on the horizon.

     

     

    #378863
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Some interesting things happened with this April supermoon. guess what? Karma DID pay a visit to the manipulative colleague and his big prize deal that had gazumped a good client of mine came falling down around him. On the one hand, I asked for it and it happened, On the other hand, I was still angry because once again, we would have to explain another turn of events to my client and I worried about losing their trust. This is the hard-nosed business that perhaps I knew would fall apart. The greed of my boss to have a bigger result has ended in humble pie for them both. Do I think they will apologise for almost destroying my relationship with a client? that I had to salvage to get a sale for their pockets? of course not, they will brush it under the carpet.

    That made me think also about another situation, as since I found out about my ex´s true situation…that made me so upset and angry, the area in which he lives has gone back into a strict lockdown…not where i live… just his town. Another karmic event. perhaps not quite as aggressive as i had wished in my head but certainly a huge inconvenience for him and probably her as they likely can´t see each other for a while. I didnt have to lift a finger, no drama and no revenge, karma did it for me.

    I hate to say it but these kind of things have happened to me before, when people have REALLY made me angry, something always happens around them and i don´t have to do anything. It makes me feel better of course like there is some justice in the world.

    I think i said before that since it finished with my ex my life became very plain and boring. I work and work and there is no real other life. I never went out for dinner again, never went to parties, never travelled anywhere..i dont have money for these things. I dont want to blame myself for this and i dont feel sorry for myself. I just think ive had a very hard time, ive had to swallow my pride and ive had to be very humble, i accepted this is a kind of fate…if a guy was meant to come along and sweep me off my feet he would, it hasnt happened. I just get on with things, i dont try and trip anyone up, be rude and demeaning or steal from others…I just try to find moments every day. But life is not like it used to be when i had big plans, big dreams and a big future.

    So if my mind struggles with this i forgive myself. If people laugh at me on the street because i look different, its on them. If my colleagues want to know what i am up to  and are being nosy, maybe they should be kinder. If my ex wanted friendship he would have given it by now. I understand all of this. In my head maybe i dream up other things because the plain truth isn´t so pretty.

    Ive always had a good imagination and have managed to entertain myself through worse times than this pandemic. I always think of myself as strong, stronger than some people around me who have never had to struggle with anything language, culture and people who would rather not deal with you. But perhaps now back to work….i have felt very much like the family member at work is trying to make me leave by making everything difficult for me (which is a high probability not delusion) and by undermining me and not sharing information or asking my opinion. Lets face it, most people would find this awful.

    Not to mention the news i had from my ex.

    So lately, i felt a sense of panic, today i was trying to stay calm before going to work and my heart was hammering, because im scared of not having enough money, worry…which is my default setting and depression because of my lack of love in my life and lack of knowing what this is all going towards. Yes, maybe im addicted to the excitement of something, anything happening that can take that heavy burden off my shoulders.

    I know its a lot of introspection for most people to deal with. Im very dark and intense to deal with. I reckon most people have a dip in their mood, then just look for positives to come out of the hole, but im the kind of person who really wants to look around before i come out to understand it. Its always been this way for me.

    I always thought it was better i was going through the waves of the emotions and exploring the dark corners before emerging stronger and calmer again..this could take a day or two…but these latest developments really have pushed my stability.

    I fear stepping out of my job into the unknown (self employment or something else), i fear letting go of my ex and what i knew towards someone new (taking a leap of faith AGAIN). Its kind of what someone said to me fairly recently, he felt i was so afraid of everything. But saying that doesn’t heal you it makes you feel isolated.

     

    #378783
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think i do suffer from paranoia quite a bit. But its a lack of confidence and also living alone that can make you that way.

    I think im exaggerating saying “predators” but that is how it feels lately as a result of my experiences:My ex taking advantage of my lack of knowledge, abusing me & My employer taking advantage of my lack of options, abusing me. The latest thing being this family member getting his way with the company, abusing his position to make money..its so frustrating, i dream of karma doing its thing…but i have no power down on earth, im frustrated that after all these years..im no further.

    Ive learnt to be careful what i say to friends but sometimes i find it hard to hold back. I share too much and felt betrayed by one person at work. but i understand also that it comes down to money, to survival. This stupid power play.

    Sometimes women are crueler to each other to get things they want. This woman coming after my boyfriend for instance when she knew he was attached. He is more to blame i know but i know for sure, she didnt mind. In this culture or perhaps even in this age…people want what they want and dont think about consequences as much as i do. A former colleague of mine shared that a friend of hers was having an affair with a married man, i felt disgusted, she said something along the lines of “why not? life is short”. Are we to think of ourselves as winners and losers? I can´t bring myself to do that…in my mind would be the suffering of their hidden partner.

    To say i feel im the centre of attention, yes maybe but in a negative way like you said. I dont always feel that way. But i dont know how to ignore these experiences…they are just there.

    I think sometimes, there is no mystery..im just lonely, bored and i think of my ex because my life is empty. If i had to only believe that i would not want to go on.

    Other times i feel there is some spark there, we connected. We were on a wavelength that meant i could think of him and the phone would ring. But now he is out of my life. Its gone. And since then, the people i have met, havent made me feel the same way. Its a simple and as sad as that.

    I used to be a journalist for a brief time, it paid awful so in the end i had to find a salary job that i am doing now. It was exciting because it was demanding but it burned my out a lot…i wonder if i am addicted to the excitement. Now, i notice my brain just won´t quite light up…im not inspired by life much and  am too tired to do more. My ex used to inspire me and make me want to be more creative.

    As i said, yesterday i went through some emotions..my free time is taken up with this baggage. I think today ive been exhausted because of that. I dont want to live like this anymore. Who wants to be struggling to let emotions out and then fighting to keep them in? Is it his fault or did i somehow do it to myself?

    Ultimately..i want to find someone new attractive, i want to be confident enough for someone to like me for myself. But i dont think i believe it. I went through a phase once some years ago thinking that all my boyfriends left me for a blonde. And its true! And then, the other day my mom came out and said ” your ex always said he wanted to be with a blonde” and i thought, why is she telling me that…isnt that hurtful? I didnt bring the subject up, she came out with it and i wondered why. I assumed that my parents had seen him lately..and it could have been my dad´s encounter that i talked about. I feel they know about him since me but its a smallish place so they are likely to see people from time to time.

    His girlfriend is blonde but it is dyed blonde. Another former ex who i loved very much, married a blonde women the moment he was free after our relationship ended…another guy i had a crush on married a blonde. something about that haircolour makes men want to marry them!

     

    #378726
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    I dont dress provocatively or sloppily or anything crazy. Today i was actually wearing something similar to the woman who was reacting…leggings, a t shirt. It just happens a lot to me. There is no mistaking people´s actions and all you can do is ignore it but its hard to ignore when it happens so often. When you are alone and live alone, i think you are vunerable to this..if i was preoccupied with my partner, children etc, i wouldnt care if someone pointed and laughed at my hair, nose or whatever….but it is emphasised because when i step out the house i am always alone and humans are predators.

    I know you are probably thinking, this person is suffering from schizophrenia. But i am always questioning what has happened to me, only for it to be confirmed later.

    When i was out with my ex i noticed people would really stare at us. Strange women would come sidling up to him trying to get his attention…i always thought it was insane how outrageous some people were. I think i was so happy around him that they wanted some of it to rub off on them…literally. He emitted a warm friendly energy and people gravitated towards him. Ive never met someone so magnetic like that. But the downside was…there were always older women hanging around like lost schoolgirls. They would come looking for him at his work, stop him in the street…and their eyes would not leave his face as he held my hand. He would introduce me and they would coldly smile and then return to stare at him…it was insane. So i was always aware that people were after him.

    For some reason today i have been struggling a lot today. I am exhausted. I feel like im on the edge of collapse, like my mind will burn out. im fighting to not obsess about all this but it wont go away. I cant focus properly on anything..i feel its defeating me. I had one moment today when my heart was beating really hard and i had to sit down and take deep breaths. I´m worse during the day, the evening i seem better, but i wake up in the morning and it starts again.

    When my ex first cheated on me i  at least got something positive from the woman he was with then.. at the time i became obsessed to know what she was like, i wanted to know what he was attracted to and of course, she was living my old life. I thought perhaps she was more, better somehow..it was irrational.  I looked her up online, trying to find clues of what he liked. She did tarot readings and i started watching my sign. Now years later im hooked on it.

    Now, when im fighting the negative feelings, suffering by what my mind picks up on, i watch tarot readings and usually something delivers a message that finally makes me more peaceful. This works better for me than listening to music, which i find makes me feel too much and i get depressed. I have a need to rationalize everything until its no longer there. I need to hear what people think.

    Today i watched a reading (i dont pay for them, they are just what appear online) that was exactly the things i have said to you, it really was accurate. And her overall message was, “this is hurting you but he´s not thinking of you, move on”

    ..i felt briefly, yes, i can let go …but i know the next day i can flip back the other way strongly and be under the impression that he misses me secretly, that he will realise he got the wrong woman..that he is in denial or any other combination…its sad and stupid i know. This is why i can´t figure out how to get rid of this.

    One more positive thing after listening to that reading was (although its also negative) that i was starting to feel like actually, i could feel sorry for the woman who has him now. After my early feelings of rage and anger that were frightening me, its welcome to not care so much. There is no doubt in my mind, he is flirting with other women still and maybe even sleeping with someone…he already said she was jealous, so she will have terrible fights with him and doubt herself. He will refuse things she wants to do. Maybe he will pick on some insecurity. I saw her photo and i can imagine that she may be vunerable, no matter what she projects. He has that talent. That is how it was with me and i dont believe that will change.

    The tarot reader also said ” this person doesn’t pick strong women, he is looking for weakness in people to exploit”. that’s possibly true. But if you met him you would be fooled too. Im a contradiction because while i write this i know, if he said it was a terrible mistake and was convincing…i´d probably go back. Its an addictive attraction.

    Ive had moments before where i just believe. This is it. This is all you are getting in life.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #378686
    sossi
    Participant

    Q1: Strangers do make fun of me sometimes. It feels like it is fairly often to me but i am perhaps more sensitive than others to even think about it. My mom used to say its because i was good looking, other people have seconded this later and guys definitely told me that. So i started to feel (because it is usually women) that they were jealous of the way i looked. But the comments of course are varied…yesterday a woman stepped out of her apartment building on the phone and started laughing loudly saying “oh! you should see the scene out here today!” i mean, i was the only person there and what am i supposed to think. Its rude and clearly meant to make me feel bad although she doesnt know i understand her language.  Sometimes my neighbours talk about me when im out on my balcony. But when i was younger and prettier i used to get a LOT of negativity from other women i didnt know. As i said, the women here are very jealous, there is a distinct difference to how im treated as a woman to for instance a man because ive observed it. This partly creates my isolation. You feel unliked and unwelcome.

    Q2: I dont really know if men notice me here because no one approaches me. at my work ive worked with a few different guys and they may have found me pretty initially but after that usually there is some tension. Something about men finding you attractive brings out major sexism in the workplace. Men stare from a distance and may comment with each other and laugh but thats about it. As i said, you feel very isolated when it seems people talk about you but never say hi. I dont look like the women here, they are latin and i am more germanic looking, so i will always look like a tourist to them. The tourists of course are not here to see more people like them, the guys are interested in those other women, not me.

    Q3: I think im messed up by my negative experiences that have made me insecure and worried no one can love me. If someone is attracted to my outside they don´t seem to like who i actually am. The arguments start when i won´t go out more because i am quieter and introverted. I often dread meeting the family because with two previous boyfriends they were a whole lot of work. Not with my ex. If i look for a pattern with boyfriends im not sure what it is they dont like.  Maybe i lack the mothering nature. I look at other people and see that often it is the children born within 2-3 years that are part of that bond. I realised i didnt want any and felt nothing for the idea of being a mother.. but i also had an abortion. Another taboo subject. I didnt think it would affect me but it does now. At the time i was with my ex and unemployed, i really panicked. I didnt like the physical feeling, i felt very uncomfortable and i was terrified of that loss of control, the weight of the responsibility. And then his reaction: he was elated, celebrating it but i remembered he had previously told me he left the mother of his one child because he was jealous of the attention she gave the baby

    …i panicked and thought, “i dont want to be a single mother, broke and struggling” i could hardly take care of myself and knew the years ahead would be tough. The whole process was awful..long and drawn out, i suffered physically a lot. He was quiet and i think we should have talked more but life got in the way.

    I think my insecurities about interactions with other people are also to blame as boyfriends cant help me or cant relate to my problems. And they turn into issues for them as well. My way of coping with problems is to retreat into myself because of this..ive always felt i had to be self reliant and i gain strength when i am alone as opposed to being surrounded by friends. I know that is not the case for others. Maybe i feel like i am fighting a war and i have to be stronger, so i am more tense…prepared for a fight all the time.

    #378662
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I dont know what happened but the last 3 posts i made were repeating because it did not seem to save since your post of 11:54pm 22 April. Now i see them all apppearing so it sounds very repetitive.

    Your thoughts that i was in fact the jealous one growing up don´t ring true to me at all. I can only tell you what i felt but of course, without the other people you would never get a full picture.

    I told you my examples with my sister because you asked.  She is very self involved by example of her behaviour i think. Yes i think i would like her life. So perhaps i am jealous of her. But that makes it even more galling that she should feel resentment at me. I have nothing to be jealous of. Yes she said that she found my relationship with my parents was unhealthy, i think she meant at one time i spent a lot of time with them….but she lives in a different world. Its not the same where i am and its easy to judge looking in. A lot of my foreign friends left…because they couldnt find work they liked or meet guys..its that simple. Because of my family being here i had more support and now i can´t afford to move because income is low where i am.

    The workplace issues seem to have come up in my writing because obviously they are a big part of my life…that is being torn to shreds by a manipulative person, this family member who is taking over the business. It hurts…i am processing the feelings that i have to just walk away, accept defeat and have nothing to show for the many hours of extra work i put in early on when the business was small, the ideas i had were not even considered, i am a nothing to them and colleagues have agreed this is the case. The family member joined us just as the business turned and became successful.

    I know, this generation says ” you were stupid to offer extra from yourself…you are the loser” but i dont believe that. I believe that karma will come for those who hurt and deliberately betray others for their own gain. I have to believe this to not just give up altogether.

    Am i jealous of other people now? SURE! i wish i had money, job security,  i wish i had someone who loved me, i wish i had autonomy and that people respected me, i wish that i could go out and not feel like people are constantly out to get me. I have no idea what its like to feel secure in my life…to build a family with someone is just way beyond me. I wouldnt trust them now…it just wont be as lovely and as innocent as some women´s experience of love.

    I didnt feel that way when i was a kid and when i was young. But what lasts is that i mostly got burned by people i trusted or loved. Even walking on the street sometimes people will start laughing as i approach them so that i go to look in the mirror what is wrong…there is never anything there. I must have a funny looking expression or something. But i was always told by my mother and by other women i knew, friends and strangers, that people were jealous of the way i looked…guys have always said i looked good in the past…its all i can go on.Maybe they were lying?

    Im not bragging because if anything, id say beautiful women are the most unhappy because so much is put on them. You are expected to be MORE humble, MORE kind etc. You get kicked harder if you do anything people dont like. And certainly, in a foreign country i feel that i am targeted a lot because women here are very jealous and possessive. They don´t like foreign women at all. men think you are good for one thing. And that has certainly been the case for me. Ive been treated as an object by at least one boyfriend. And no guy has ever approached me here to ask me out….only my ex.. the only one.

    I feel its a taboo. To say that. People think you are lucky. They don´t know that you are walking around with pills in your pocket to make you feel you have a way out if it gets too bad…i did that years ago, when i first arrived here. I thought, if anything hurt too much, id have a way out and it made me feel better. I know i looked much prettier then but i was really starving thin too because i was suffering…guys like that model look, my ex did, they have no idea and dont care if you are ill.

    Trying to turn my way of thinking around seems like an impossible task. Im here in my misery and thats it. I can´t change that people dont want to talk to me offhand. I cant change that i am still shy and dont go out enough. I cant change what happened to me. I thought i could start by not thinking constantly about my ex but as i said….he was the only guy to notice me and make the effort to know me and i really mean that. How can i believe that other guys may have noticed me but been too scared to approach me? What if they just didnt notice me? What if i am just too messed up for anyone to like me and stay?

     

     

     

     

     

    #378615
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    i wrote several times and it seems something does not want me to as it wont save!

    Every day since this i have seen something to remind me of the situation.  i had a phone call from a client asking about his house which has now sold and is removed from our website…my number is not associated anywhere with this property so i don´t know how she was calling me. She said she was surprised it had sold quickly..i said it hadnt as we had it for sale for months, i asked if i could send her details or at least have her name, she refused and said goodbye. Its coincidental that i receive a call a day after it was removed and i got suspicious thinking what if this woman was trying to find out how i feel about it? Since then i have noticed that perhaps her agency IS checking what mine has and going after the same properties. Maybe all this was just about money as it often is in my area. Can it be a coincidence, i dont really believe in those anymore.

    My workplace this week has been the worst. This bullying manipulating is so toxic and its coming from the top down, because of greed. My colleague is going into surgery this weekend, they have made her life hell this week and i cant stomach it. Me, they just don´t consider at all..im a nothing. They have absolutely no respect for anyone. This is clearly survival mode at its worst.

    Betrayal seems to be the theme of April 2021.

    Speaking of people stealing or taking from me:

    In my work, i in fact sold one of the most expensive properties we have ever sold, about 3 years ago. It was a long process, involving immense patience and i was teased all the way ” id rather you work with them than me!” etc. In the end, i made a great sale, the clients wanted to work with me although they were surrounded by other agents but i had gone out of my way to help them because i genuinely liked them. When the day came for the money, my boss told me “unfortunately” she had to give a larger share to another person who was involved in a minor way..which meant i got less than i was owed. It stung, as its clearly unfair…but in this place there´s nothing i can do about it. However, this memory has sat with me ever since and its a problem. If i sell another big property, will they steal from me again with some excuse? That day i have to say i lost my trust in my boss and saw them for who they are.

    I also have had a number of times when i felt my job security was threatened by a new colleague who seemed to think they could walk in and take over..teasing and bullying, manipulating. And now we have this family member, manipulating the boss to his will and reading all our correspondence so he can benefit from our hard work. I live with the knowledge that i could work hard on something and someone will say i can´t get paid, because they want to take from me.

    Leave? well, id have to start again from scratch with no savings. No one has sympathy for my situation, its hard times at the moment and people are unemployed, there is always a reason not to pay me or to pay me less. Other companies are at least as bad from what i hear but it feels more and more like i have to leave because the family member wants me to and makes life difficult for me.

    My relationship with my sister has always been tenuous. We got on fine but i knew it was only because i was amenable. Whenever she has come to stay she never pays for much..and leaves that to the parents or me. Now she also has a child but the ritual has continued and no one said anything, i brought it up with my parents and they know but have not confronted her. Last time she came, she borrowed clothes because it was a long time, i got them back with one torn, the other not washed and some things she just takes with her. She left me (hahaha like the nursery rhyme) 3x bags full of charity clothes dumped in my office that she had bought while she was here and said i could take them or bring them back to the charity shop. This is what i fell out with her over. This casual entitlement and selfishness. I was fed up with her behaviour and my parents say nothing. I told her i dont make much money and in fact, she is doing quite well with her partner.

    I know my sister thinks because i live near our parents that, they will take care of things for me and to a certain extent if im in trouble that would be true. But i am responsible for myself and have worked hard. I have not had a holiday like she gets every time she comes over, in years and years. And she makes us pay.

    This is her mental hangover from childhood. Feeling that she was loved less and telling everyone around her it is like that. When i would speak to her, she would never ask how i was but talk endlessly about what she was doing and what she wanted. If i said i was having a hard time, she would shut down and i wouldnt hear from her..I once stayed over with her, we were drinking a lot and i started crying about an ex, saying how i felt so terrible i didnt want to go on (yes, i always got depressed after a breakup). She took my to a psychologist she knew and that woman said basically that i should not drink and that i should feel bad that i had upset my sister. I knew after that, i could never count on her for comfort or to confide in..its not that she doesnt have sympathy i think, she just can´t be there for anyone else. I felt really lonely after that but had to find something within myself to comfort the lack of support.

    She now uses her child to manipulate my parents. Since she became a mother she has wanted a lot of contact with them, frequent calls to talk about what she is doing, its normal to feel a craving to connect when you become a mother. However, my parents complained lately… they never see the grandchild or the partner, just her talking about herself. I dont think they understand her need for attention from them stems from long ago. Having children is kind of an extension of yourself..so every praise and every moment is reflected back on her, i think she has really enjoyed that.

    She never had less than me as a child, she had as much attention as me, she chose to go out more with friends and always argued with our mom. She can be very angry when criticised and will not be told anything. I am not like her, i was the joker of the family and diffused situations with jokes and humor. I was easier to get one with and I got on with our parents, its just that. I feel sad that she is so resentful no matter how much she is given.  But she has had much more success in life; with partners and with work. On many occasions clothes disappear if i left them with her. When she stayed over with her child, her partner had to stay behind to work but planned to visit…in that instance of excitement i saw her true feelings ” we have to rent a place that is at least as good as my sister´s” she demanded of him and he seemed to sigh a bit, i said ” how about anywhere for a start!” but it was clear this was a competition of sorts.

    If this is success in life then why am i so weak? I thought loving people was enough but its really not, you need to manipulate people to get your way it seems, you need to get rid of the competition.  i never learned how and because of that i have struggled all of my life.

    When i met my ex he sort of became my world. I loved everything about his life. It was what i wanted too. He was however, much older..already experienced in many things and he had grown up in the place i was just getting to grips with. It was hard for me and here he was, apparently with everything. I wanted to be there and be the right one but once the physical attraction was over, he criticised the way i worked, how i cooked, my lack of sociability, my family, my friends and that i didnt care for him. I wanted so much to be right but i was just never enough.

    I know he loved me…sadly the only thing i know. We broke up several times but our attractions stayed..our mental connection was still there. I just wasnt the mother, or the housewife or the mediator or any of those things he thought he wanted.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #378584
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  My friends are in a similar situation to me…one was cheated on in maybe a worse way, both have kids. Meeting guys is near impossible, there are no guys around here you would want to date. Or, they are not interested because there are lots of younger women.

    With my ex it is strange. It should be a closed door. But i feel in my bones its not. Ive said before there is some kind of connection, once before i suddenly had a strong urge to see him and was missing him…and then his car drove past me. Things like that have happened before. Yesterday feeling strongly i wanted my colleague to get rid of the house….and in the afternoon she informed me he had sold it.

    I wanted to start saying that my sister didnt take from me but in fact she has. One reason i fell out with her (now more than 6 months i think) is because while she stayed with us…longer than expected due to Covid….she had borrowed some clothes and then returned them…one was torn, I dont think anything was washed, another she took with her and left me with 3x plastic bags full of clothes she had bought at a charity shop and told me to ” give them back to charity or choose what you want”. Alongside this she had hardly paid for anything during her 3 month stay, my parents paid most times but other times it was me…when she gets home she always says she and her partner are making good money and taking trips etc.

    I am a single income, not well off individual. But she arrogantly thinks our parents will just take care of me and dismisses any criticism. I feel this is repressed anger from her childhood. She felt i got more than her, things and especially love.

    Growing up my sister was remote, not involved and sullen. Into adulthood my parents complained they hadnt heard from her, i certainly never heard from her…then in the last few years…she has a partner and a child, they have a business and things are tough but getting successful. Since having her daughter she now wants more contact with our parents..but its the same again, it has to be on her terms. My parents tell me sometimes they dont get to see the grandchild but its withheld like a pawn. My sister is craving the love she feels is missing. I sometimes feel my mother is unfeeling but i also see, my sister feels its never fair, or enough. She has had the same feelings about friends of hers, when she falls out she can be vicious about them.

    I noticed the last time she was visiting, that she was determined to have the last word..certainly authoritative about her child. It has to be about her. Ironically enough, its very similar to our mother. Who mostly gets her way at home and is angry if she doesnt. My sister is turning out to be the same. They are both able to be very charming but also have a terrible temper.

    In a way my ex´s behaviour was similar. Self centered behaviour, entitlement and a temper if they don´t get their voice heard. One of the last things he said when we were splitting up was that he didn´t want to end up like my parents…but i always felt he was like my mother, which means he hates himself! Maybe growing up with all this made his behaviour normal to me.

    I know and knew he wasn´t mine.

    He didnt want that. When we discussed a commitment he just avoided it. and yet he was very jealous. In the early days he went away on holiday without me, it was a guys trip he had planned for a while. I know he missed me terribly and when he came back he had brought me a ring. It was like an engagement ring and i wore it but he refused to call it that.  He said no, “its a promise ring” and i would get angry with him. He even told his old neighbours and various other people he knew that we were getting married, but not to his close friends or family. It was teasing something that i really wanted at the time. The ring was burning a hole in my hand..i wanted to be proud to wear it but..i felt ashamed for my need to get married when it was clear he couldnt offer it. And i felt ashamed for being weak because i loved him.

    Eventually we had an argument where i thrust it back at him and in an angry reaction he threw it away…god knows what he was thinking my reaction would be to all this teasing.

    Maybe he was so afraid of commitment himself that he was going through the motions to see how it felt…i just dont know. His father had left his mother when he was 15 and i know it affected him very much because life changed, probably a lot. I think his father was a cheater and a charmer too. I think he struggled to get his attention.

    I felt equally commitment-phobic about marriage. My previous relationship had gone downhill after a “romantic” proposal and i felt a dreaded sense of responsibility washing over me. I didnt expect to feel such revulsion to it and realised that i couldnt just get by on feeling “comfortable” when i didnt love him. I couldn´t even wear the ring, somehow it felt like a sentence and felt really uncomfortable. I felt owned. I was never the girl who would dream of her wedding, not at all.

    But with this guy…i still was not into weddings but i wanted a commitment with him..he knew it but just couldn´t do it.

    There were many times he asked me if i was seeing someone else….just like my sister it seems, the love i gave him just was never enough to satisfy his insecurities. Maybe i was too cool in showing it..and im more reserved publicly…i think he wanted to see adoration to show his friends, to show off…but ive no doubt at all they saw that.  He didnt, so he kept looking for others to show him what was lacking from me.

    As i write this i know, im still right there. Nothing seems to budge this feeling of connection. I feel like i need to sleep with someone just for the sake of it. I don´t want to.

     

     

    #378534
    sossi
    Participant

    I dont think i know how to get out of this addictive cycle about this man. He is very much part of my memories and experiences where i live and without him my life has become a lot duller, less exciting and more mundane. Its just true.

    I want to move on and meet new people but im so disappointed whenever i try. I dont click in the same way. I do understand, that if he was in fact a narcissist, that his intention was to get me hooked..and it worked.

    My sister and i are really opposites. I think she needs a lot of attention and i dont. She hides her emotions and shares very little of what she feels and i tell my friends and former boyfriends everything. I always entertained myself and my sister seeks out company. My sister is in fact like my mother and they clashed when she was young. But now she is older, she craves that attention from her. Both of them have partners they can manipulate ..men who are willing to do things for them. Ive not learnt that skill and had the opposite experience…

    I know my ex was not mine, i wished he was but he told me many times he didnt want that and felt tied down. Yet, he is with other women who want more too. When i first met him so many years ago i told him i wanted a family and to have someone with me…but he just used me.

    It sounds like you are looking for instances from childhood that could describe the feelings i have but i dont find them. I NEVER hated anyone when i was younger, i dont remember any strong emotions then. My parents were seemingly very caring and met my needs if not my sister´s so i dont remember anything like getting angry i got the wrong christmas present, i was always happy with what i got and didnt need more. Maybe this is in fact the cause, feeling so comfortable with how my parents provided for me that i never needed to look for something else?? I think my sister is still angry at this..she said my relationship with them was unhealthy. There is no sexual or abusive issue, but simply that i got on with them and she did not. My sister gets angry and irritable very quickly..i dont think that is just with us either but we never hear anything from her partner who seems very distant. But i have always been a “smoother”, at home i was the clown.

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