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  • #386086
    sossi
    Participant

    Im having a hard time again today, it just seems like the heavy weather has made everything explosive.

    My mom seems furious with me  out of the blue and has called me selfish and ungrateful in a fit of rage over texts that escalated so fast so i switched my phone off. This happens once in a blue moon but when it does, is when i know im seeing the worst of my narcissistic mother and her selfish behaviour. I try not to take it personally but i just needed some support.

    This latest was caused by me complaining about work. Ive been working extremely hard and finding it tough, in property sales with lots of highly demanding and very entitled clients, working late, unable to manage everything i need to get done because im just on my own. Usually i can deal with the demands, the snobbery and the dismissive behaviours without commenting  but i complained this time because these clients seemed to be yuppies in every sense of the word. It was almost a comedy and i thought my mom would be on my side but instead she acted like i was hogging the spotlight or something! She didnt want to hear it and then started complaining about something in her life. This is fairly typical of her, she can´t empathise at all, the best she can do is give an example of her own struggles which often descends into something about her childhood i.e. self pity.

    The other thing that is truly enfuriating is that when she complains back, its about things others would love to have as problems…tired from going golfing, going out for lunch. I could say worse but its too embarrassing. these are her main worries. Meanwhile, for me, i should be grateful and everyone has to work this hard. But she has never seen what i do.

    TO clarify my “whining”. I have 2 jobs, i work physically: cleaning, laundry and mentally and competitively: in property sales..its very hard work and draining.  i end my day at midnight answering emails i cant get to. Every night.People get jealous if you have success, try to make your life hard in this business..its lonely and i go home to my apartment with a demanding and active dog, no partner. I havent had time for a life, the money i make doesnt give me enough to buy a new phone or car, both are way overdue and dont work well. I havent been out to dinner for example in over a year. I cant afford holidays. you get the picture. Its the sacrifice of not having a partner to share the burden of costs of living, the sacrifice of living in a pretty place that has low income for locals and lots of rich foreigners.

    Here is an example of the kind of clients i work with..

    Recently i got a ticket from the police for taking a client who didnt put a seatbelt on (in a very slow area) we were stopped. in 10 years ive never had this and i was so tired from work, it was a saturday, we often work weekends too. She had shown up without her car and a child in a buggy, so i had to take them in my car. She was very casual about that. The client stepped out the car and asked the police if she had to stick around, as i had planned to drop her nearby, apologised then ditched me with the situation!…i paid the fine (a lot for me) and she had said she would pay it back..i then had to chase her for it, freaking out that i had lost that much money and now had something on my record. She seemed really put out to have to pay me back and so i explained i could not afford her mistake…she shot back at me that she was a single mom and was about to spend a lot of money buying a home!!! the arrogance and the entitlement! I stayed calm as i could, polite as i could..she paid and i thanked her in a friendly way, then tried to continue the original plan of finding her a home but our relationship had now been ruined and she was not about to be friendly, after all she is a single mom! and its my fault!! Without a greeting she wrote she wasnt interested in the house she had glowed over before, what about the other? I was so busy i couldnt reply till the next day, so she wrote early in the morning ” never mind i guess you are too busy to have any more business” again i replied politely but got no reply. I realise, its a lost opportunity, i can snap back or let it go…she had half a million to spend but then there is dignity and self respect. I have a fine on my driving licence for her mistake…but she was clearly embarrassed and angry about it, so it seems i have to pay for that!

    I havent told my mom this story..most likely she would not be sympathetic. Lately some old friends have arrived for a 4 month holiday and have been bitching about their daughter who is my age and got her life into a total mess (again). I have to wonder if this has something to do with her self pity. No doubt she felt some stings about me still being poor and struggling as its often competitive for parents with their kids. Both sets of parents complaining about their children and commenting on each other to feel better about it. My mom cant seem to stop sort of presenting the information  about their daughter on a plate to dissect and compare to mine: how the daughter is now pressing them for money and how their life is now stuck supporting her as she has 3 kids under 10 (her choice!). Im tired of it and told her to stop doing it and that she was just pushing buttons to get a rise out of me. She also finds it hard to stop pushing other people´s buttons about all kinds of inflammatory things but she takes her anger out on her family.

    So the latest messages are in CAPS and says im the most ungrateful person she has ever met! there are more messages but i switched my phone off because its abuse.

    I was supposed to go out with friends but they didnt call. I just feel like i cant deal with everything. I have so many problems with so many people…my personal life is nothing. how did my life get like this? Im never nasty back but people are more and more demanding and selfish. Far from me being the cause…im trying to find solutions but the ungrateful attitude isnt me at all, its really untrue.

    Her last message is that i should look up narcissism and empathy, its really evil and nasty…from my mother! Im endlessly patient dealing with this, ive had a lifetime of experience with my parents. Her a narcissist, him a psychopath (in my opinion) and yes, possibly it causes the same in me but ive not had as much success as them. I think when i was a young woman i tried to sympathise, to understand, to fix..my mother but i couldnt, and they would turn on me regularly, my dad supporting my mom. I learned that no one had my back, i learned to cry, i learned to drink. i learned to feel nothing at all.

    When your own family turns on you, where do you go?

     

    #386090
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I am glad you posted again, if nothing else, venting can help you let go of some steam.

    I have a comment on this one sentence in the beginning of your original post: “My mom seems furious with me  out of the blue and has called me selfish and ungrateful in a fit of rage“-

    – If was a mom, I am sure that I would feel anger at my child (of minor age or adult) from time to time, but I would never express that anger as a “furious.. fit of rage“, because I’d know that as a mother I had an unbelievable vast amount of power over my child.. and if my child (of any age) was indeed guilty for some terrible wrongdoing worthy of a fit or rage.. then I must have done a terrible job and a terrible disservice to my child, and therefore I shouldn’t wrong my child even MORE with another fit or rage!

    anita

    #386276
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Like you say, sometimes i need to vent when things are dramatic or just too much. I dont know what it is..do i complain too much, if i do, how do i handle the difficulties. I had a really tough August.  Other people have partners to talk to, people to confide in, i dont have anyone. I think my home situation is also harder because my dog is a really difficult situation, she needs 4x walks a day and constant entertainment or she goes crazy and chews everything..on top of my day job and side job its almost too much i have to try and stay on top of it all. Ive torn myself apart thinking of giving her up, she´s all i have. It just feels too hard.

    Ive no idea what my mother has issues with out of the blue..i really dont…i even thought that maybe this is the beginning of dementia. A client of mine has been dealing with his wife in that situation and told me she gets very aggressive and accusatory. But it just hurts all the same, all the accusations, it reminded me of my ex…who did something very similar on a regular basis. I used to cry a lot, i dont cry at all now. Call it a safeguard not having anyone. But i saw the comparisons then between the two people, now im frightened to meet anyone new, what if they are like them? What if i can only be attracted to someone that cruel? I can´t wish hell on my mother, but i believe in karma taking its toll, i believe it will for those who cause pain.

    Meanwhile and unfortunately i have a father who is very weak and will not stand up to my mother. When any conflict arose he would take her side, no matter what. We talked about therapy some years ago when she had a serious depression about her health and he did nothing. He wont go against her wishes, its a very twisted relationship and impossible to change.

    My older sister, with who i have a strained relationship.. is at a safe distance in the states with her family of 3 and she keeps a very close eye on my mom, calling every day with messages. She continues to tell our parents that she wants to buy a house where we live (a second home). And has repeatedly pushed for over 10 years for money to get this.  She had a chance to move over where we are but instead met her partner, had a kid, opened a business and they are doing well. But she always wants a lot more and i think she worked out that at a distance, she can manipulate better. I always thought we had a good relationship, but since she had a child, she changed a lot and now she is overbearing to the point of obnoxious, correcting me on things in conversation, being competitive etc.

    We fell out last year because she always abuses us when she stays, never has money (despite saying she is doing great) and always borrows clothes then leaves them in a mess when she goes. I think its meant to be some signal of her feelings from the past, she never talks about her feelings but i dont care anymore, its disrespectful. Now she doesnt speak to me but still tells our parents she plans to buy something here. Im not sure why she would want to be near except for the idea she might have control of any inheritance (which wont be much). i reached a limit with her behaviour, especially since she is now a mom.  I was always the one in the family, to smooth things, to take the high road. But now im waiting for her better nature ( for over a year).  To be honest..i feel my sister always resented me, she is the older child but has always felt the grass was greener for someone/anyone else, she has had a nice life.

    I just feel so bitter and angry. All of these assholes giving me grief when i have always been there for them! my own family and also friends. There is something i have to change. Im tired of hearing that its the moon, or that people are just funny…NO! some people are just plain awful.. and think that you are never going to say anything or change. Im tired of people taking me for granted.

     

     

    #386277
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    sometimes I need to vent when things are dramatic or just too much. I don’t know what it is.. do I complain too much“- vent anytime, sossi. You are not complaining too much: you didn’t post/ complain for a long, long time..

    my dog is a really difficult situation, she needs 4x walks a day and constant entertainment or she goes crazy and chews everything“- it’s a shame that on top of having a difficult mother and a difficult sister.. and a weak father who doesn’t make life easier for you-  you also have a difficult dog who goes crazy and chews on everything!

    I am sorry, sossi: I wish life was easier for you! I wish you got a break, or took a break from difficult people. Please do vent anytime you want to!

    anita

    #386406
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Another really awful day today, again, out of the blue. Why is this happening?

    we had an office zoom meeting in the morning..it was hard to get motivated for it as its the end of summer so we are really feeling it, people have been so demanding this year. The young girl who replaced me in my old job has been working less than 6 months, she has been leading our weekly office meetings (when i did it i was interrupted, disagreed with and talked down to! by colleagues AND boss) but this girl is more street and local and she gets less stress than i did. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting she started to ask what to do about giving clients to….me (name) as though i was not right there? because, she explained, she thought some clients talk really fast (in her native language)..and maybe they would not want to work with me….there was a silence. She seemed to suggest i couldn´t handle the enquiries because of the language barrier (im not greatly fluent sometimes i struggle and as for help) but it came across as really racist to me. She is young and full of confidence, perhaps she thought she could single me out, being the only foreigner and everyone would agree with her authority? My boss as usual said nothing but looked sulky.By the way, we have to be able to speak english too..i hardly hear her speak it, she doesnt say much…so i guess she is not that fluent but wouldnt you know it, no one cares about that.

    I found myself, yet again, after 7 years experience, defending my position and my work, which is proven with receipts. The large majority of our clients speak other languages and communicate in English but this is an issue of national pride that has always been a nerve. I laughed and said then we should then count the clients whose language i can speak as mine (i speak 3 languages more or less fluently) Once again it was ME who had to stand up and defend herself for standing out physically and culturally.

    Later after the meeting i asked why this issue was raised and she said it was her idea and then got passive aggressive saying i took it the wrong way. Then she apologised. Two colleagues came to my defense and the rest stared blankly and said nothing. The whole time during our meeting i also received an irate call from a client 2x and this lost me a listing because a colleague had been sloppy.

    I was so angry and upset that i couldnt even see my screen straight, i had to keep working through my frustration and anger.

     

    Throughout this summer i have worked SO hard that sometimes i cry at the end of the day, i wish i was joking. I have developed chronic back and arm pains from desk work, when i have a minute, i take my dog for the walks she needs so often or i eat at my computer while working.

    I have no one to help, i just have to do it.

    How do i get out of this black hole? I cant work this hard for ever because i know it would kill me, i already feel suicidal from this pace, from the miserable feelings i have. I feel trapped because i literally cant seem to make enough although i have 2 jobs. Younger generations are so much smarter, they know more…i just feel tired and beaten. We are getting a new colleague we are told, i saw her, she is very young so will have plenty of energy..instead of help and support, we are threatened with losing our jobs.

    I dont know what to do…i need someone to recognize that what happened was wrong! i feel everyone looks the other way.

    #386407
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    Disrespected again at work, working so hard and under so much stress that you suffer from chronic pain, feeling trapped in a black hole, “tired and beaten”…

    How do I get out of this black hole? I cant work this hard for ever because i know it would kill me“- find a way to quit this job as soon as possible. Your distress there has been going on for too long, and it is costing you your health. Please find a way!

    I don’t know what to do…I need someone to recognize that what happened was wrong! I feel everyone looks the other way“- who specifically do you want to recognize and what exactly do you want them to recognize?

    anita

     

    #386410
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I know what you are saying…ive looked for other jobs but they seem to be similar, . I seriously looked at another company about 6 months ago but it was just too much of a risk at the time to make the move. I just wasnt sure id make any money because of Covid.

    But i know have to leave this job because my boss doesnt respect anything i do and honestly seems either jealous or angry with me for i dont know what.

    Ive already been on sick leave before this and that was when i applied for the other job. The main problem for me is the language barrier, i can get by but im not as fluent as people demand..truth is, others will attest, when you live in a foreign country, they will never find your language good enough, its a matter of pride to find some fault. There is another foreign language i speak fluently but im still not accepted there either! However everyone thinks they can speak english, even when they cant.

    Ive had previous experience of workplace bullying by my boss, so now of course i assume its all me, my fault. I think back then it started because i never objected but tried to do everything. i always said no problem, my workload increased and increased..eventually i was struggling, i asked for help and my boss told me no, repeatedly. i suffered a mental breakdown and was on sick leave for almost a year..my boss suffered a stroke and i think its likely he blamed me, he probably thought i would make a lawsuit but i was too sick for a long time. We had been going through a huge double audit, i was given a lot of extra work, unpaid, because he had fired an assistant we had. It was unfair on me but no one cared, i was part of a machine and i was a young woman. I emerged from the smoke with shattered self esteem and no chance to go further, i was given a job in a quiet corner out of harms way, people looked at me strangely and kept away. At the time i knew that part of my road to success was over. The job i was given was unfulfilling and eventually i quit when i couldnt stand any more, unfortunately it was right in the downturn of the economy and i ended up spending 2 years on employment benefits applying and never finding anything. I developed an anxiety about not having a job, understandably. I stayed in a depression but was lucky enough to find free therapy where i lived.

    As a result of my past experiences, giving up my job is a scary prospect because i never got the self esteem back, i feel people dont really want me or respect me. When i have complained to my parents that i cant keep going on they are anxious that i dont quit more than anything else. So then i feel guilty and just keep going.

    Today was a truly awful day, clients complaining left and right, somehow all involving me in some way but not my fault…and then the meeting as well. its so frustrating when i am doing my best to meet everyone elses needs.  It could be the moon and mercury retrograde for sure. But i just wish whatever it is would stop beating me up as it seems to target me every time.

    If i could, i would leave straight away but i honestly dont know what to do, i dont have any savings..the life here sucks it up fast mainly because i live alone, it costs more. I could try and get a room mate. Other than that the only thing i could do would be to sell my apartment.

    I want, for my colleagues to say something about this treatment. Its not right. I want my boss to realise her double standards. Just before i go, i want to make a really big sale…so that i can show them im good at what i do. I keep trying but it just happens to someone else instead. Im always struggling.

    #386411
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    What if you sell your apartment and move out of the country you are in, move somewhere that will be friendly and welcoming to you?

    I want, for my colleagues to say something about this treatment. It’s not right. I want my boss to realise her double standards“- I don’t think that it’s realistic to expect your colleagues to stand up for you, and for your boss to realise she was wrong- because it didn’t happen so far, so..  why that would it happen in the future…

    I have complained to my parents that I cant keep going on they are anxious that I don’t quit more than anything else. So then I feel guilty and just keep going….I want to make a really big sale… sot hat I can show them that I’m good at what I do“- imagine no longer caring what your parents think you should do… and not caring  what your colleagues and manager think about your ability to do a good job…

    What if it doesn’t matter what they think, and all that matters is what’s right for you?

    anita

    #386432
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im rewriting a lot again. I dont want to complain so much, i want to learn to be better.

    The trouble with what matters: of course it matters. We ALL want our family to be a cohesive unit. None of us set out to have relatives who wont talk. My ex used to tell me about a feud he had with his sister, she had taken her part of the inheritance and the others sold their part to her (their fathers house) on the premise she would not sell it, but she did. My ex had not seen or spoken to her in years. These things cut so deep.

    My parents have always been close to me and yet, at the same time, my mother IS a narcissist. She does manipulate and make problems for us. She is currently not talking to me for an unknown reason. Its hurtful, its cruel and a mother should take the high road but my mom was never much like others..my sister and her did not get on when younger. Now, at a huge distance from each other, they message every day but in person, there are always sparks.

    I would love to be able to tell everyone to F off, but that would not be very mature. There´s long term damage at this point in your life, you can do that when you are young. Everything in my life has been absolutely reverse of what is normal!

     

    #386435
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “my mother IS a narcissist.. I would love to be able to tell everyone to F off, but that would not be very mature”-

    – but sossi, what can possibly be more mature than to tell a narcissist to F off?

    anita

    #386550
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, The idea sounds great. But in the greater scheme of things, i get no relief or results from being outgoing. My mother told me she walked out of two jobs for her pride..she had a husband by then so i guess she thought she could afford to stick her finger up in those days. If i did that today there would be no immediate sense of revenge and victory but more a sense of panic.

    Hope there are other people out there who feel the same as sometimes i think im the only one working this hard and having such a hard time. I honestly today felt like really there must be something karmic about the amount of crap coming my  way. While my most fortunate colleague gets another sale, i am struggling to get anywhere and with angry clients left and right. Its unreal.

    And when things get SO unreal, i start to think that someone is sabotaging me in my work. Is that probable? Im just feeling very anxious about being watched and manipulated as things come up so regularly it cant be coincidence. But if that is true, what is their problem with me? am i being punished for some racial reason, some nationalistic reason? Im really tired right now, worked through the whole weekend like the last two..this is really getting to me.

     

     

     

     

     

    #386554
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I honestly today felt like really there must be something karmic about the amount of crap coming my  way“- what crime have you (in this or.. prior life) committed to bring this supposed bad karma upon yourself.. ?

    anita

    #386591
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Today im running on adrenalin for sure.

    Ive worked since i woke up and was on the phone non stop until it burned hot and lost battery. My email account was full and rejecting emails…I had to use a second account. Basically my computer or phone can´t keep up the pace. One client was on the phone 2 hours so lunch had to wait. Most of our clients dont have much else to do with their time, they are bored…so they pester us with demands and if we dont respond quickly they lose it.

    Im sort of hanging on. I dont know how. Because i cant believe that this is how life is supposed to be, working till your head spins (another colleague said on the phone to me today) we are overworked then it can go completely dead…so everyone says its great its so busy..but its really unhealthy! If i was boss, i would try to find a way in which we can share the income. When i used to run the office, i kept trying to promote a team basis of support but when it came down to it, that was just me helping everyone else. The girl who does my old job now, leaves at 6 on the dot. I think maybe people think im a fool but i would prefer to work in a happy atmosphere, making less, than an aggressive environment making more. Goes to show im not a true salesman.

    I feel somehow that im still in the middle of this weird cosmic energy but coming out the other side..I just dont want it to ever happen again. You know the feeling, like you are running through a tunnel of people hitting you either side. Its too much. Ive no idea if i did something in a former life, born under a dark star or just plain unlucky but these things tend to follow me more than most i think.

     

    #386592
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I can’t believe that this is how life is supposed to be, working till your head spins“- there is a benefit to the head spinning on work issues: having the head still, you get to feel the spinning that was always there, before you ever had a job.

    You know the feeling, like you are running through a tunnel of people hitting you either side. It’s too much“- if you stopped running from others in your current work life.. if you stood still, no longer running, no longer spinning.. something inside you will be running/ spinning, something from long ago, before you had this job and before you lived in this unwelcoming country, I think.

    I’ve no idea if I did something in a former life, born under a dark star or just plain unlucky but these things tend to follow me more than most I think” – born to a figuratively dark set of parents, like we discussed.. indeed, just plain unlucky.. and it expanded from there to your current life-circumstances?

    anita

     

    #386612
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    What you are saying in the previous message..i can see you are bored by my story. I certainly dont blame you. Who the hell am i and what is the incentive to help someone like me.

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