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abusive people are hurt people…

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  • #388280
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I didn’t think I had to make the choice to stay away from my parents but I see I should have instead of seeking any comfort there which was a bad choice“-

    – It is a bad choice to stay with and/ or to reach out to people who hurt you, no matter who they are: parents and strangers. Parents don’t have a .. parental right to hurt their children (of minor age and of adult age). There is no such legal or moral right. We children- of any age- are not our parents’ property to do with us as they please, to treat us any which way. We are People, not Property.

    anita

    #388918
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  Ive been still very busy working…but having to also take a mental break from these conversations and thoughts that are very hard to deal with and relatively new realisations. Im not sure if it is this that also makes me very tired all the time. I feel like everything just totally drains me. I also feel anxiety a lot and have difficulty in relaxing anyway.  it has been a demanding time like i dont remember previously, people pulling and pushing to get what they want. So, instead of taking a break and enjoying life a bit…im spending hours on small tasks (like how to work some App or similar), emails and getting frustrated and irritated (noisy neighbours, competitive colleagues). I guess that is what getting older is! But when i get home there is no break from it.

    In the back of my head i have a “must do” list of personal items i just can´t get around to…i should get myself online and meet someone (that has been a lost priority for a few months now), i should find activites and make new friends (dont know where to look for that), I feel i have to get presents for my family for christmas but its a hollow experience as im not talking to them. My niece is going to be 4years old and i wanted to get her something at least but have no idea what she likes. She will grow up thinking im the strange auntie..my sister seems distant and has not reached out at all to me for over a year. She is the older sister but honestly, i dont know if she even cares. I told her before that it was hard being around our parents and mom´s mean behaviour and she apologised to me which came as a surprise at the time (why are YOU sorry?). Then i realised, she felt she had dumped me with that problem and face to face she felt guilty but at a distance she feels ok. She can tell our parents anything at a distance, and have control of the situation too. She doesnt like to hear my difficulties..so she just goes mute. great huh?

    I think its good that she has a child to care about as i think that may have changed perspectives for her but for me, sadly there is a coldness. Seeing as she has been on the phone with our mom every other day, without thinking to ask me how im doing, i can only conclude that i am competition for her. She doesnt hear what mom is like after their conversations, dissecting everything. Mom and i used to agree however, my sister would never ask how you were doing at these times…only talking about herself.

    So, whats new in the world..i dont understand my family! great. I guess im just coming to terms with my personality and what shaped it. Im still angry with my parents and also my sister, for their lack of care and for the times i filled in the blanks with humour to hide the sadness.

    Im trying to turn this around to focus on people as you say, who do deserve attention and kindness..to not continue the same ill behaviour.

     

     

     

     

     

    #388919
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    Good to read from you again, and I get your point about being anxious, irritated, tired and being drained by everything.  A human being needs positive connections with people, otherwise the person gets anxious. A dog is a social animal: with no positive connections with other dogs or with people, the dog gets anxious, irritated, barks a lot and eventually gets drained and depressed. When a healthy dog positively connects with another dog, or with person, its tail wags because its energy is renewed and refreshed, energized by the positive connection. Same with humans, being the social animals that we are. We are not meant to live in either social isolation or in a situation where we experience only neutral and negative social connections. We need positive social connections to calm our anxiety and energize us.

    You are experiencing negative social connections with people you work with and with neighbors (“people pulling and pushing to get what they want… noisy neighbors, competitive colleagues”), and no positive connections with family members (“my sister seems distant and has not reached out at all to me for over a year… I’m still angry with my parents and also my sister, for their lack of care”), no boyfriend in your life, no real friends as far as I know.. so no wonder you are anxious, irritated and drained.

    Trying to find positive social connections with your mother and siblings seems like a lost cause. But there is hope for you to positively connect with new people in your life, people “who do deserve attention and kindness”, like you wrote. You have to find a way to make it happen!

    anita

     

    #389013
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My anxiety stems from family for sure. They dont show the kind of care you would expect..but its demanded of me in return. My mom sent me a text to come over and see them a day ago..completely ignoring the fact she has been silent for months since her previous messages when i was really slammed with work and stress, telling me im selfish and difficult. She wants of course to dip out of apologising, so will pretend its all on me, im very busy with work etc. I didnt reply because im still so angry about it that i dont know what to do. Ignoring it wont make it go away but she is unlikely to offer up reason, im expecting a fight and more stress.

    Its clear my parents want a clean slate before christmas, totally expecting me to be game for all their usual behaviour.

    But now i feel different. Both my mother and sister are not reaching out, they both want me to do it all. They are the ones with partners and support to go through difficult things like when they are mad at other people, but im alone. Does that mean i have to take every authoritative word they say? Does it mean i have to chase after them even though they throw poison darts at me? Or is it literally the fact that i am the youngest child and expected to fall in line? My sister is so disappointing…as an older sister she was never there and i accepted it, i even filled in her place and she was just always resentful and jealous. Its finally made me angry, and finally made me complain that she is selfish, now expecting for her child (an extension of herself) more and more of the attention she could never be bothered to give in return.

    My parents came and rang my door to “demand” a reply from me. My mother looked sulky and handed me something of mine that had been at their house, an item of clothing. This is a routine she does when she is annoyed. of clearing things out of her house that belong to me. Its a therapy of sorts, I understand that now, many years later…getting even small items handed back to me like its a big problem for them to have them there, reminding them of me. I always find it an offensive thing to do, its a rejection of course.. My parents didnt speak up about their feelings either but pretended to talk about other things. Have i contacted my sister? no, putting the emphasis of blame and guilt back on me and putting themselves in control again. More irritation and anger.

    I denied getting her message on my phone….because i dont want a confrontation today, im really not feeling well and i have a lot to do. It was a coward thing to do i know, as she wanted to be able to explode at me and get her reward while having my dad to support and help her do it. I just dont want to deal with them. Afterwards i felt angry and very sad..sad because i really dont want to see them.

    When you are being chased by sadness and miserable behaviour its hard to focus on happiness. Having family problems is really at the core of who you are as a person. When you have an imbalance there it affects everything else. Im looking at a lifetime of feeling even more lonely than i was before but im contemplating just simply not being around them anymore. because i need to time out, i need to heal. They have spare keys of mine. First intended as helpful i now feel its intrusive. Ive relied on them in the past when ive locked myself out by accident…they act over worried as though im going to kill myself but never say a thing, just imply it. When i dont answer the phone..its a drama, we were worried! Its control though. Thats the reality. Its a way of keeping tabs on me and having power over me.

    #389020
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    Both my mother and sister are not reaching out, they both want me to do it all… Does it mean I have to chase after them..?“- NO!

    they throw poison darts at me“- Keep yourself in a safe distance from them, so that their poison darts can’t reach you!

    Or is it literally the fact that I am the youngest child and expected to fall in line?”- see how as adults, we still feel like children when it comes to our families-of-origin, how stuck we tend to be, in our early roles of childhood?

    My parents came and rang my door to ‘demand’ a reply from me. My mother looked sulky and handed me something of mine that had been at their house, an item of clothing. This is a routine she does when she is annoyed. of clearing things out of her house that belong to me…I always find it an offensive thing to do“- yes, it is offensive, and it is a shame that a mother intentionally (with the obedient support of her husband/ your father) offends her own daughter!

    Having family problems is really at the core of who you are as a person… I’m contemplating just simply not being around them anymore“- good idea, sossi: it’s the way to keep yourself safe from being hit by the poison darts you mentioned in the beginning of your post!

    anita

Viewing 5 posts - 46 through 50 (of 50 total)

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