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I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups

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  • #381995
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you. Its nice to hear someone say that they believe you.

    The leg situation is going to have to wait till i get further tests, i reckon it means physiotherapy for a while but for now it seems to have calmed down a bit…i have new respect for people living with chronic pain or disability because its the first time i had this situation..it makes you so tired, it makes you feel desperate sometimes too, it affects your mental state.

    As i think ive said before, i struggle to define my mother as purely narcissistic or selfish. As the children, we dont want to believe that our parents can mean to hurt us. although her main behaviour has shown her selfish tendencies there are also times where she has shown to have thoughts that are caring..but just not carried out in the way some other mothers might. I never thought about it when i was younger but in our family we don´t really hug or anything like that. My sister has always been a very difficult person to get a word out of..and so i have more or less had to work these conclusions out by myself.

    I learnt from a young age to rely on my own company, my own strength and my own council. which of course doesnt always work and sometimes feels like i need superhuman strength to get by. When i was younger, my older sister never took responsibility and instead would lash out and get angry, so i took on the “older” role while she seemed to just be resentful.  I reckon that i developed a lack of awareness of myself, a detachedness, so that later on, people trying to get to know me…get a cold response, or at least a very brief , dismissive one. I realise that now but it may be too late to change..how do you get the respect? how do you protect yourself from the reactions of others? ive no idea. I just dont seem to learn.

    Instead of spreading my net wide to have more options of friendships or meeting more than one guy, i chose to be very very loyal to one or two people…it doesnt work out. This has applied to everything including of course, my work, which i should have left at the first signs of negative bias, years ago. They all take for granted that they can abuse what they want. Arrogance seems to be the norm these days.

    Im tired of always being strong, of ignoring comments made to me because im always alone with no one behind me to back me up. Im tired of being kind to disrespectful people who if im honest, were educated to be rude to others.

    If i recognise being a victim, then i want to know a solution. At 44 i need answers becuase i have been patient, i have tried and failed in so many ways. I have high standards for myself…and these are ones i never pass.

     

     

    #381996
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “When I was younger, my older sister..  would lash out and get angry, so I took on the ‘older’ role.. I developed a lack of awareness of myself, a detachedness”- your sister and you were your mother’s co-victims. Your sister was so very angry because she was a victim. When you took the opposite role to your sister’s by being the Not Angry One, you had to detach yourself from your anger. A person cannot detach from just one emotion, the detachment applies to all emotions. Emotional detachment is not complete or perfect, so you did feel emotions- only in a muffled, foggy kind of way.

    “I’m tired of always being strong, of ignoring comments made to me.. I’m tired of being kind to disrespectful people”- to be truly strong you have to undo your detachment, bit by bit, and return your anger and other emotions back to your awareness, feeling them clearly, no longer in a muffled, foggy way.

    “If I recognise being a victim, then I want to know a solution. At 44 I need answers”-

    My answers for you: (1) Abandon the “I just accepted what was” part of your role, no longer “sitting on the fence on everything, being so amenable and nice”. Bit by bit (there is no way to rush the process because you are 44) attach your awareness to your anger and assert yourself with the people in your life. Assert yourself first in small gentle ways, every day for a week, and post to me a record of each assertion.

    (2) There are different exercises in books, such as in Reclaiming the Inner Child and Homecoming by John Bradshaw, that are aimed at reclaiming emotional awareness and coming home to one’s emotions, using the terms in the title of his books.

    anita

     

    #382163
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for the reference to the book as maybe this is the way to go. As for nr (1) i kind of feel like i continually try to assert myself but don´t get far! And i think that making gentle assertions is something i find hard to do, i think that to others i can come across as quite hard but that is because i go along with everything until i get completely fed up because ive allowed people to push and push for so long..they dont expect a reaction but then they get one and its unexpected so they react badly? i dont know.

    My sister for instance, who i havent spoken to in about a year….these are the kind of “punishments” i receive for standing up for myself. I wrote to her in an angry email as she had left me with missing and torn clothes after her stay and was fairly demanding to us (me and our parents). Her reasoning is that i “dont want to be involved in the life of my niece” which is mean and an excuse, but in fact i just wanted her to stop some behaviours she is used to doing whenever she comes over to stay.

    Then there is a girl at work who ive always had a love-hate relationship with. I like her humor and we were always able to get on one on one but at the same time she turns jeckell and hyde and seems to bully me at any opportunity she gets in front of others or clients. Its been years of this. I thought it was because of my role which used to be more office-based but now i see her being very friendly with the young girl who has taken that role over. So if it is just a jealous pettiness how do you deal with it? She has a relentlessness that has driven other people out of the company screaming. My solution was to leave my former role and become a sales person which means i dont need to be in the office as much…but at our meetings she picks on random things that are in my control, just as she used to point out mistakes in my work from my old role. All i can do is just stay away from the team as much as possible which i now do! On the few days i must be in the office, she seems to come in and wants to be friendly but i feel there´s a weird edge to it…im just not playing ball anymore.

    I dont need to point out the difficulty with my mother either. Like my sister, if she doesnt get what she wants she will shut everything down and my father is under her thumb.

    So, im surrounded by childish, jealous and demanding women and all the men i know which is very few, are submissive, passive or dismissive.

    Fun world.

    Ive always used humor to deal with the difficulties and because that always worked its just an escape hatch. I like watching stand up and if i didnt have a mind like this i feel id probably go nuts or lash out, which of course wont help anything.

    I like to escape sometimes into fantasy in that way, coming up with sketches, in different artistic ways. I make up song lyrics, come up with satires and comic ideas in my head…its a way i can laugh at it all and basically amuse myself and sometimes my friends or family. Im not saying i stop everyone to listen to me, but i just sometimes comment on things i cant resist to say something about. My parents find my ideas funny and encourage me, my friends too, im not sure what my sister thinks..i think she feels competitive for attention so its hard as she doesnt have the same ideas but can laugh at them. My ex boyfriend seemed to hate my comedic side and usually told me to stop acting crazy. It was the one thing i really didnt like about him, he took himself very seriously when sometimes it was comical, for me, humor is essential.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #382166
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    You are welcome.

    “I go along with everything until I get completely fed up”- in between going along with the first or second thing and going along with everything- STOP and assert yourself.

    “They don’t expect a reaction but then they get one and its unexpected so they react badly?”- get them to expect a reaction from you on a regular basis, for as long as a reaction is called for.

    “she turns Jekyll and Hyde and seems to bully me at any opportunity she gets in front of others or clients”- react gently but clearly.

    “My solution was to leave my former role and become a sales person which means I don’t need to be in the office as much”- good solution, “but at our meetings she picks on random things that are in my control”- react clearly and professionally. You can prepare various reactions to possible acts for the next meeting.

    “I’ve always used humor to deal with the difficulties and because that always worked”- keep using it then!

    “I like to escape sometimes into fantasy in that way, coming up with sketches, in different artistic ways. I make up song lyrics, come up with satires and comic ideas in my head”- that’s wonderful, keep doing that.

    “My ex boyfriend seemed to hate my comedic side and usually told me to stop acting crazy”- can you give me a specific example of you having expressed your comedic side which he referred to as “crazy” (I am curious)?

    anita

    #382207
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im supposed to have some vacation time..this should be fun but these days i dont really know what to do with myself, Im so used to just working and have no family of my own, my current friendship circle has become non existent. The only thing that drives me is making money..to feel secure.

    Today i had another issue with work, out of so many. It seems impossible when i cover every angle but somehow im always dumped in the ditches. A colleague didnt make clear some figures and it has put me in a difficult position to my detriment and will also mess with my reputation. It makes me mad. I wont get any help, i asked for it but they cant help and thus i have to fix this myself. It makes me tired because i cant work harder than i do…and the owners obviously always come out looking the best…the most influential colleagues will be protected…and life goes on without you.

    Asserting myself. Yes, i think i have said that ive tried, and yet, people just dont want to take it from me. they will from others. There is respect for them, but somehow ive never found the key to respect. One girl who used to work with us complained to me about respect and i had to laugh at the time, i had already suffered years of abuse by then. ive never had any, no matter how obviously i worked well, how much praise i got from clients, how many hours i put in of extra time or how much money i made for the company…im still treated badly, talked down to at meetings, left out of decisions etc .the only way is to leave and suffer the consequences i guess.

    If im really honest, the truth will hurt people´s feelings…because in my opinion these are people who feel really they are beneath me…they think because of my nationality, that i have more and that i have access to more. They are wrong. But nepotism and favouritism and manipulation are part of the corruption game that will hurt the economy. This is a problem for their country i see that will keep them down. I realised also how the beginnings of racism start just in small cultural differences..small levels of racism happen to me almost on a daily basis. Ive kept quiet about this for many years…. Shaking things off are not always that easy when you are living in another culture, you think you can handle it and im told not to get upset by it..but i guess you could compare my experience to what others of a different race feel in their own country, or just simply being physically different. Ive enough material to write plenty about that but i know its not in fashion right now.

    Therefore the comedy.

    My ex simply didnt like any of my witty comments, nothing “crazy” as he called it…but something rather more “clever” as that would probably bother him. In my opinion, he was very very clever..but not confident..someone who probably suffered a lot as a young man. A bright and funny and pretty woman would probably be too much for him, frightening maybe. Far easier for him to control someone who was insecure in some way and that fed his need for security. I dont doubt that his current girlfriend is suffering in some way and suppressing it, hoping she can manage it, so that she can keep him.

     

    #382210
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I will be back to you in a few hours.

    anita

    #382218
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I read your recent post. Can you remind me simply and clearly (when you have the time to do so) why are you in the country where you currently live, what is keeping you there?

    anita

    #382266
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When i first moved here, i tried everything to get a job back in my home country…i was unsuccessful, times were tough back then too and i just didnt seem to have what people wanted. Finding work has always been really hard for me (why!) so it has become a fear of a lack of security.

    I also honestly can´t say i feel strongly enough about moving somewhere else at my age now…i would not know where to go.

    Interestingly many people would LOVE to live where i do, i know because i sell property and this is a dream for them- from the US, UK etc.

    I do like the nature, sometimes the free space and time that i have, i can keep my own company quite well. Ive also been able to buy my own place which i would NEVER have been able to do otherwise. but i miss some city things sometimes, more involvement and awareness of what is going on in life and more interesting people, guys who i might connect with better, women who might be more like me.

     

    My problems are not created by my environment i think but more to do with human nature, relationships and some abuse ive suffered. I think that probably it was made worse because i dont know how to stand up for myself, how to protect myself, when to back off and leave things alone.. Friends say “forget this and that” and i can´t. Im irritated by bad behaviours in personal and business behaviours.

     

    #382274
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “My problems are not created by my environment I think, but more to do with human nature, relationships and some abuse I’ve suffered. I think that probably it was made worse because I don’t know how to stand up for myself..  Friends say ‘forget this and that’ and I can´t. I’m irritated by bad behaviours in personal and business behaviours”-

    – You are unsatisfied with “human nature”. Because (1) human nature is the same everywhere in the world, (2) you own a home where you live, something that you are satisfied with!, (3) you like some other aspects of the place, like Nature, distinguished from human nature, (4) you “can´t say (you) feel strongly enough about moving somewhere else”- I can see why you want to stay where you live.

    Because the only human nature that is possible for you to change to some extent is your own: (1) learn and practice standing up for yourself and protecting yourself from abuse, (2) have no contact or minimal contact with certain people, and be selective as to what kinds of interactions you choose to have with various people: strictly professional with one,  friendly but superficial (no intimate conversations) with another,  friendly and deeper in this or that area with yet another, etc., (3) there is a way to train the mind, once irritated, to calm down quicker than before, it is referred to as returning to base line. Some people get irritated and remain irritated for a long, long time. Other people get irritated and soon after, they are no longer irritated. You can train your brain to make it possible for you to belong to the second group of people.

    anita

    #382696
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    Sorry ive been really busy and also trying to respond in a fair way.

    I have had a holiday…but it has not really been time out from my daily life because my jobs (plural) demand attention that can´t be left behind. So we will call it a “rest”! therefore ive been fairly busy every day.

    When i was a bit younger i dont think i imagined this life AT ALL for myself. I really thought i would be with someone and perhaps have a family, that i would have a career instead of what i see as “jobs”.

    I wonder sometimes if it is a plague because i see other people struggling too.

    God knows how people meet these days but i feel i am so far off the radar its not relevant..basically i understand that, im too old at 44. I know this because some years back i felt some attention on me and now i dont at all. Guys avoid me if anything so i feel ive got some disease!. Im not unattractive but there is just the simple fact that guys want younger women. Maybe they expect you to do all the work and make all the moves.

    Ive had zero contact with my work team apart from my friend, nothing at all but i feel great anxiety about time ticking by….anxiety about returning to work that i really bothering me. I feel like ive not actually had a break because ive worked throughout on my other job..and that has hung on my mind…it hasnt really been a break at all.

     

    #382707
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I am sorry that you didn’t enjoy your holiday break.. that “hasn’t really been a break at all”.

    Regarding your anxiety about getting older, guys not paying attention to you anymore because you are older (44)- keep in mind that lots of young women don’t get the attention they crave, for various reasons, and lots of young women who do get attention- get attention from the wrong guys, and suffer from it. I think that we forget, as older women looking back- how life wasn’t that great when we were young!

    At 44 and older, there are many women who meet decent men and get into loving relationships, for some- it happens for the first time in their lives. It is possible for you too. How possible (what are the chances), I don’t know. But if you are clear about what you want/ what kind of man you are interested in, you are more likely to find the one decent man that will make a significant positive change in your life, as you will make in his.

    anita

    #382754
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Holidays are kind of strange for me…i dont know what to do. Im really a workaholic because spare time is not something i have enjoyed in years.even when with the bf i ended up working for him too.

    I guess yes, you can see it that way about younger relationships. while i had sad moments, breakups and difficulties, it was nothing like it has been now. I had no difficulty in meeting people because i fit in more easily. I feel very much that me not having kids has made me an outcast, I guess thats a separate issue! I had no desire to be a mother…and struggled with this for many years, its sometimes unfair that you feel your own body (feelings) is defying you, making life harder for you. I feel certain that if i had a child, i would be more accepted in the culture i live in now. Children are in fact, the glue for many relationships that otherwise would not be or for some, it brings people closer together…i missed out that part.

    Some people get angry when things dont work out, dust themselves off and find another partner (my sister), others cry for a bit and then try meeting people again, and again (my friend). After this last relationship…i felt a block like an actual wall when i tried to make contact with another person,..it seems the fear was so bad that I didnt even want to say “hello” expecting that 2- 5 years down the line i would end up back on my own again.  So i didnt want to even try the first step.

    Ive realised slowly that there are other issues that sit underneath trying to make a relationship work as it is really more about how you want to live your life and it seems i must be really different to other people in what drives me. But getting to the answers has been really difficult for me, i cant seem to find definition to what i want and who i am. Im just resigned to the fact that im much more messed up than i ever thought!

    I think the lack of clarity leads and manifests into physical problems too. Over years now, i feel generally very tired all the time, i rarely feel energy. My mind is the big wheel and my body limps along behind. Now that i have developed some problems in my back and leg…i feel very much how my mental state has affected my body. Living alone, there is no one nagging me to get anything done or to stop obsessing…i just do what i do with no mirror. There are some benefits to have a partner to keep you in check. As long as they genuinely care of course.

     

     

     

     

    #382764
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    I will read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #382785
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    “I can’t seem to find definition to what I want and who I am. I’m just resigned to the fact that I’m much more messed up than I ever thought! I think the lack of clarity leads and manifests into physical problems too… I feel generally very tired all the time.. My mind is the big wheel and my body limps along behind.. obsessing”-

    – Obsessing is very tiring. The big wheel is currently located in your brain where it keeps turning and turning thoughts that exhaust you. There is a way to bring that big wheel down from your brain to the rest of your body (arms, legs, torso), and there, the big wheel will can gently turn your muscles into postures and gentle movements (gentle yoga, Tai Chi), and while your focus is on your arms, legs and torso, your brain will get the rest/ holiday that it so desperately needs.

    anita

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