It’s weird that there are lots of people trying to free themselves from their parents, someone else, even from a culture or its norms. There are some people trying to be free. But I’ve always been free from the culture, from my family, from the people. There was nothing holding me back from anything other than me, my appearance, or my own fears. I’ve added appearance cause I was overly insecure about it during my teenage years and it got me away from people a lot. I felt like someone who cannot be loved by anybody. I needed someone, a boyfriend maybe.

My point is, while there are those people trying to get free, I’m here trying to get less free. I guess I’ve never wanted to feel free, feeling free or being alone with your own decisions made me feel more lost than ever. I would be freer if he left me. But that would also make me suffocate in some aspects.

Also, I remember some friends being guided or even dragged to hair saloons for waxing private parts like armpits and pubic areas. But being fed up with my sisters’ behavior in the past, which is not letting my mom wax her unwanted hair during the first phase of being a teenager, my mom didn’t try to wax or drag me to any saloon or something. I guess she asked to pluck my eyebrows once and since I reacted a bit bad because I was hurt, she didn’t try again. And I was left alone with my unwanted hair. I don’t know you’re familiar with this but in some Asian/mid-east cultures, shaving with a razor is not acceptable that much. It’s said to increase the unwanted hair and worsen the areas. But I was unable to wax it myself, too shy to ask for a saloon to do it or ask my mom to drag me to a saloon, I’ve shaved. And I’ve continued doing it, again and again, thinking that I’ve done a terrible mistake and now there’s no turning back, I cannot show my pubic area or armpits to anyone.

And then someday, while we were getting dressed for the gym class in primary school, a girl from a conservative family asked about my armpits. Then she reacted to the fact that I’ve shaved them. She warned me to never do it again or it would make it terrible. I remember feeling envious with a bit of rage towards her. I was angry because she didn’t have to make this terrible mistake since her mother helped her wax or use an epilator even if it was painful and I had to live with this terrible mistake. She got everything under control with her mom being a guide to her even though she was overly conservative. I thought I won’t be able to get married in the future, cause my terrible mistake should never be seen by anyone. I’d have to spend my life alone, and I was even kind of okay with this. I remember accepting this fact as it is.

Those feelings existed till I understand that it was okay to shave, have some problems with your body. And I was relieved with a pinch of self-pity. The feeling of relief didn’t last much, but the self-pity part got bigger in time.