This is really hard for me. I have never been so low, never experienced the dark side as I have over the last week. The emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling of being useless, unwanted, and unloved is unbearable to cope with. During my first psychological evaluation/mental health assessment, I felt exposed, excessively guilty, and numb. I have so many demons inside me. The regrets and pain of neglecting my mother, my brothers, my family, and my relatives. The feeling of not being able to redeem for the “lost” time. The unbearable pain of not being able to mend and rebuilt broken hearts and relationships. Not being able to “heal” my mothers pain.

My therapist says I suffer from strong feelings of abandonment, and will often have a sense of being abandoned, hence trigging the fear that I will abandon and lonely. Even in the company of family members, I experience feelings of loneliness. As a result, I will always feel isolated as if I’m were cut off from the rest of the world. I’m struggling with strong codependency, and emotional deprivation.

I have realized, I have always been broken, ever since a young age. No self-esteem, no personality, just a broken record. I have always “run” away from my problems, not being commited to rectify things and hide every time things get messy.

I’m struggling with living in the past, stuck in the past, stuck with only awful feelings and bad memories. I have managed to program my subconscious mind to only think negative things. To keep nagging about the past, not being able to live in the present.

I have no future. No desire, urge, or motivation to even think about the future. My fears and anxieties are rooted deep in my mind.

Now I have distanced myself from my nieces(the only relationship I haven’t neglected). I’m afraid my depression, my negative thoughts, will “infect” them. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be there for them, to protect them, to be in their good and bad days. I want to shield them from everything that can hurt them- I want them to be happy, and never experience the darkness I’m living in.

I apologize for sharing my negative thoughts and feelings. I wish I could give some positive feedback or positive affirmations. I just feel lost, empty, and have no motivation.