Dear Teak

Thank you once again for replying to my thoughts.

You said:

“That’s great, I am happy for you! Just keep trying out new things, things that are fun and that you enjoy. Keep stretching yourself and your limits, every day a little bit. It doesn’t have to be some big accomplishment, but small things.

Even that is an achievement, Felix. You haven’t been posting for 18 days, you’re sort of exercising your willpower not to post. It’s like flexing a muscle  And it makes you feel good and calm… it’s a good strategy, I believe.”

= Thanks ! it’s due to your suggestion that i need to feel some achievement to have a better self esteem, and yeah i also believe tracking how many days i havent posted on instagram is a good strategy.

You said:

” This is just a suggestion, you can use your own words of course. If you feel like trying it, let me know how it went…”

= Before i try this suggestion, i just found myself into a new “problem”….. so after i draw the cartoon…. well the cartoon that i draw is actually an anime girl. I decided to post it on my instagram “close friend” stories, so in instagram close friend stories i can select how many people who can view it. I didnt think much before posting that time, i feel like i’m proud of my achievment and at least i wanna show it to some people (i didnt twice if i could feel regret later on). The close friend list are 5 people, in which 3 is my male close friend and 2 girls. The 2 girls are the girl that told me not to wait, and the other one is my potential new crush. My 3 male close friends replied to my stories and their replies are all positive. Now regarding the 2 girls, the next day i text the girl who’s “my potential new crush” stating that the drama (we used to talk about this drama a month ago) just released a new episode of the new season…. then idk why she replied me so cold, different than how we text before. Then after a few conversation we stopped chatting…. i dont mind if i lose a new potential crush, as i havent had any much feelings for her…. i just wanna try if she’s compatible with me or not. Then i started thinking again, could it be because of me drawing an anime girl….

I’m worried that she might view me as a freak, like i know some people tease people who likes anime. And this time i’m drawing anime…. and i’m at the age of an adult… maybe she thinks that i’m still acting like a child. But about this girl, i dont really mind, the real problem is the girl who told me not to wait. Tbh i never expect this girl (the girl who told me not to wait) to reply, and i also didnt text her anything…. i just wanna show her that i can draw now…. but i think it end up backfiring me after i knew that the girl who’s my potential new crush acted that way…. like i’m worried she might think that im a weirdo now, as we havent been texting for 9 months since the separation….. i remember she viewed me as a boy who’s cool and she thinks highly of me, but she could be thinking that im a weirdo now. Im worried, even though we dont text anymore… i dont want her to think me who is her former crush as a weirdo.

I believe this isnt related to self esteem is it, because im confident enough to show my drawings? It’s just that i feel it was wrong for me to show it to them as im regretting my decision again. Or do u think im overthinking regarding this situation?

But i’ve decided not to post anything again on my instagram stories after this issue, even on close friend list…. like i cant even handle it anymore….

Few days ago when i didnt post anything i feel so calm, and then i get distracted into posting again…. like i shouldnt have done it… and now i’m back to square one in healing myself.