Ex is seeing someone new but won't close the door for us

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This topic has 25 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 23, 2021 at 2:24 pm #381906

bren
Participant

My ex broke up with me in the beginning of May. After a really difficult year and no communication he felt like there was no hope. After we broke up I told him I wanted continue seeing each other to either work on relationship or work on friendship to get back into relationship. I saw him at least twice/week. It started to dwindle off and I gave him a lot of space. During this time I did some soul searching and realized I had a lot going in that way preventing me from being the best partner. It wasn’t my personality that sucked or didn’t match his personality, it was stress/depression/anxiety/thyroid issue over the past 2 years. I reached out to him because I thought it would make a difference. He had already started to see someone new, to try to move on from his feelings he still had from me. For some reason I don’t care that he started to see someone new, I feel fully focused on just us, even though there is no “us”. After realizing what was going on inside of me I found a new confidence and positivity that made me feel like he and I had a potential future because I could fix the feelings i’ve been having. I reached out to him to essentially “squash my confidence” aka tell me we had no chance in hell and to just block me after because I had no idea why I felt this way in my heart. He ended up saying the exact opposite during the phone call when I asked for his honest feeling/opinion: the changes I was making could make a difference-yes, he could see us reconnecting in the future and falling back in love-yes, we do have a possible shot in hell- yes, if I am able to get back to the girl he first dated (who I am currently making moves towards personality wise no honeymoon phase)- he could see us together because we had a lot of fun. Said it wasn’t that easy to just say no, saying no was a way for me to back off (which I have a difficult time doing). The next day I asked him what I thought was an easy question for him to close the door on us and say he wanted to just move forward with what he had going on, “would you be willing to step back from your situation to allow time for us to spend together?”, he couldn’t answer it, said he had a lot to think about. I gave him the weekend and reached out to him after having my first therapy session which left me feeling pretty bad and for some reason inside I felt like I needed him. The answer he gave me was “I don’t think I can do that”. Its making it difficult me to just forget about him when he says these things. He won’t block me like I asked when I reached out for him to “squash my confidence”, he said he will just ignore me. I don’t know what to do. I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference. How long is too long to hold out?

June 23, 2021 at 4:11 pm #381909

Anonymous
Guest

Dear bren:

He told you one thing, soon after, he “ended up saying the exact opposite”, later he said he “had a lot to think about”, and yet later, he said “I don’t think I can do that”, all the while, he “is seeing someone new”.

You wrote: “I don’t know what to do. I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference. How long is too long to hold out?”-

My input: whatever he says at this point, including what I italicized above- doesn’t matter. As much as some of what he says sounds and feels good and ignites your hope- what he says at this time is not reliable.

My advice: make the changes for yourself that you want to make, build yourself back up, but put aside the motivation to show him anything, and to get back with him. You say that he “won’t close the door for (you and him)”- consider the door already closed, and what he tells you- muffled sounds from the other side of the closed door.

What do you think about my advice?

anita

June 23, 2021 at 4:26 pm #381910

bren
Participant

It’s hard advice. Hard to accept he would move on so fast to suppress his feelings for me. Hard to accept that we didn’t communicate the past year which really led to the downfall. Hard to let him go. Difficult to shake the feeling in my heart. I just don’t understand why he won’t say no. I don’t understand why he can’t give me definite answers. He is helping me move this weekend (as far as I know) so I guess I will just ask him to give me those “no’s” so I can remove that feeling from my heart.

June 23, 2021 at 4:59 pm #381911

Anonymous
Guest

Dear bren:

I understand that this is very hard for you. When you see him this weekend, instead of asking him for a No- calmly (best you can), ask him instead to tell you about his new relationship. It may be hard for you to process what he says when he says it, because you’ll probably be too emotional, so try to just remember what he says and when you are alone process it (I’ll try to help you with that, if you want). He may not tell you the truth, and likely not the whole truth, but what he says can still help understand his state of mind.

For the purpose of understanding his state of mind, you can- if you want to- post for me what he told you at different times before and since the breakup- but only what he said (best you remember it), not your interpretations of what he said, and not your feelings about it. You can add necessary details for context, like what he was referring to when he said this or that.

I will be away from the computer for as long as 13 hours from now.

anita

June 23, 2021 at 8:05 pm #381912

bren
Participant

When I asked for the “no’s” I told him I was going to record it so I can listen back when my heart got hopeful. I recorded the last couple conversations. I am trying to not listen to them. I have started therapy and I am trying to make progress with myself. I am trying to convince myself I am holding onto hope, not reality. It’s difficult for feelings to change.

June 24, 2021 at 1:52 am #381918
Tee
Participant
Dear bren,

when you asked him:

“would you be willing to step back from your situation to allow time for us to spend together?”

did you mean if he would be willing to stop seeing the other woman? And to that, his answer was “I don’t think I can do that”?

If so, he doesn’t really want to risk breaking up with his new girlfriend for a hope of possibly having a better relationship with you in the future. It seems to me he is the type of person who can’t be alone, he needs someone. That’s why he doesn’t want to say No to you either, in case things don’t work out with his new girlfriend. I think that’s the mystery of his being reluctant to say either a clear Yes or No to you. Would you agree with that?
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Tee.
June 24, 2021 at 4:38 am #381921

bren
Participant

I guess that could be it. He did tell me he moved on fast to ignore the good feelings he had towards me. It seems to me she jumped on the opportunity. I told he it’s a yes or no answer. He felt like it was open ended. I just need straight forward answers because it leaves hope still there.

June 24, 2021 at 4:52 am #381922

bren
Participant

He also said what if we get back together and I work on these things I have going on and then stop and it goes back to the way it was. I get it that he is apprehensive. My therapist said maybe he would be willing to do a therapy session because the changes I am making are going to be life long. I never want to feel the way I felt ever again now that I know I can control it.

June 24, 2021 at 8:11 am #381928

Anonymous
Guest

Dear bren:

“I just don’t understand why he won’t say no. I don’t understand why he can’t give me definite answers… I told he it’s a yes or no answer… I just need straight forward answers because it leaves hope still there”-

– He already told you no: he said, “no chance in hell”, and then he told you yes: he said, “yes, we do have a possible shot in hell”. If he again says no, it is not likely to be a definite answer for you, because you might think: he said no today, but he may say yes tomorrow.

You shared that he broke up with you after “a really difficult year and no communication”, and “he felt like there was no hope”. During that whole year (and the year before it), you suffered from “stress/ depression/ anxiety/ thyroid issues”.

Following re-reading your posts this morning, it occurred to me that you are still suffering from stress and anxiety, (and maybe from the same thyroid issues), based on your thinking being all over the place. “I have started therapy”, you wrote- this is a good beginning. Reads to me that you should be under the care of a medical doctor and a psychotherapist. The answers you are looking for, better not ask your ex for answers, better ask yourself for the answers within the context of psychotherapy.

Also, you wrote that you are going to move this weekend- I hope that you will be moving to a place where you can experience safety and stability, a sameness from one day to the next.

anita

June 24, 2021 at 8:24 am #381929

Tee
Participant

Dear bren,

I did some soul searching and realized I had a lot going in that way preventing me from being the best partner. It wasn’t my personality that sucked or didn’t match his personality, it was stress/depression/anxiety/thyroid issue over the past 2 years.

I never want to feel the way I felt ever again now that I know I can control it. My therapist said … the changes I am making are going to be life long.

It seems you’ve come to some realizations of how you were contributing to problems in your relationship, and you’ve decided to work on yourself and attend therapy. That’s a great decision and a great plan. You’re working on some deep issues, which will lead to life-long changes, and you becoming a happier, more fulfilled and more authentic person.

What kind of spoils the plan is that you seem to tie your determination to work on yourself with his willingness to get together with you. You’re enmeshed with him, and in this enmeshment you seem conflicted because one part of you is eager to improve and get back together with him:

After realizing what was going on inside of me I found a new confidence and positivity that made me feel like he and I had a potential future because I could fix the feelings i’ve been having.

Hard to accept he would move on so fast to suppress his feelings for me. Hard to accept that we didn’t communicate the past year which really led to the downfall. Hard to let him go. Difficult to shake the feeling in my heart.

But another part wants him to shut the door on you:

I reached out to him to essentially “squash my confidence” aka tell me we had no chance in hell and to just block me after because I had no idea why I felt this way in my heart.

I just don’t understand why he won’t say no.

I just need straight forward answers because it leaves hope still there.

I am trying to convince myself I am holding onto hope, not reality.

How would it be different for you if he would give you a definite No? If he would shut the door on you completely? What would change for you?

June 24, 2021 at 9:21 am #381932

bren
Participant

I guess this is mainly because all my issues that I never acknowledged affected my personality. He felt that our personalities didn’t mesh. I finally realized I haven’t been myself in awhile. I guess I would like him to shut the door because if he doesn’t partially feel the same way or feel like there is a way to make it better then I need to hear that and give up hope. If I didn’t have these issues going on I would have said fine, done, do what you want. The definite no would tell me to just give up all hope.

June 24, 2021 at 9:24 am #381933

bren
Participant

He said there could be a shot in hell. He didn’t say no to any possible future or reconnection. I am making these changes for myself. I am getting help, I am making changes in my life that I have realized are hindering me and my happiness but theres still that stupid feeling in my heart that things could come back together.

June 24, 2021 at 9:54 am #381935
Tee
Participant
Dear bren,

I am making these changes for myself. I am getting help, I am making changes in my life that I have realized are hindering me and my happiness

That’s great. If you work on yourself and heal your emotional wounds, it will benefit first and foremost you. You’ll be capable of a better and healthier relationship – whether it’s with him or someone else.

but theres still that stupid feeling in my heart that things could come back together.

So a part of you is still hoping, and another part says it’s stupid to hope – probably to protect yourself from hurt.

The definite no would tell me to just give up all hope.

Because if you give up hope, you wouldn’t be hurt, is that right? It’s easier not to hope, than to hope and be rejected….

You said earlier:

I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference.

I want to show him… how I’ve changed, how I’ve grown? It’s like you want him to be proud of you. You said you don’t even care that he’s seeing someone new:

For some reason I don’t care that he started to see someone new, I feel fully focused on just us, even though there is no “us”.

What if this situation with him reminds you of a dynamic between you and one of your parents, whom you wanted to impress and make him/her proud of you?
- This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Tee.
June 24, 2021 at 9:58 am #381937

Anonymous
Guest

Dear bren:

“The definite no would tell me to just give up all hope…that stupid feeling in my heart that things could come back together”- a hopeful woman’s heart will hear a tiny bit of a Yes in a big, definite No. There is a saying: the heart wants what the heart wants, meaning, it doesn’t listen to reason, it keeps wanting what it wants.

What about this man do you want so much?

anita

June 24, 2021 at 11:10 am #381939

bren
Participant

ugh. Just so complicated. I spent the past year stressing over how to get myself together to be a good financial companion, because this matter most to me. I was more worried about the future than I was about the present relationship. I had shit going on that kept me from acting like myself, which I didn’t realize until a couple weeks ago. I gave him too much space when things were bothering him. We both had a bad year. I acknowledged it more than he did. I didn’t want to blame everything on it but you can’t really plan for a pandemic or the issues we both faced during it.

I always imagined him in my future, but I knew we weren’t at a point for marriage or anything. And because he won’t just say no makes it hard to give up. I am going to need to talk to my therapist about it. I just thought when I reached out for those “no’s”, told him I would record it and have him block me, that he would want to do that.

He felt we were too different, I think the past 2 years stress/anxiety/depression caused me to turn in. We fell in love with what made us different. I guess I’m just getting mixed signals and I need him to just say “Hey, I broke up with you because I don’t want a future with you”, then I will say okay then no matter what changes or efforts that are put in, you don’t want this.
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